DarrenB Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: what is he, 15? 5 hours ago, abbswhit said: We are both 17 and living with our parents. We’ve seen each other twice through the lockdown (I know we shouldn’t have). He did buy them with his own money, well that’s what he told me as I wondered where he suddenly got the money to buy these things from. 1
Fox Sake Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, abbswhit said: My birthday was about a week ago and my boyfriend said he would get me flowers. We have been dating for a year and two months and I have got him gifts for every occasion (birthday, Christmas, valentines day and random gifts in between). A day or two after my birthday he says he is struggling to afford flowers so I tell him to leave it and that it is fine. His immediate family is on the wealthy side where mine isn’t, however I always save up to get him something special for him. After he told me he was struggling to afford simple flowers he spent £80 on a video game and 2 video game merchandise. Am I wrong for being extremely upset at this? I kept hinting at things I wanted (literally all under £10) and he never took me on. I don’t know how to feel now as it has been getting me down for the past few days Get him to f***! What an arsehole. Sorry. But he is. Claims no money then goes and buys himself a video game for 80 quid and nothing for your birthday?! Not even a redeemable “go down on you” ticket.... No one deserves to be treated like that. Ever. Especially by their partner. I’m shocked and annoyed by his behaviour on your behalf. He clearly doesn’t care and that’s the most annoying thing. ...sometimes you don’t know what you got til it’s gone, and at some point he may very well learn that lesson Edit - I should Have read the whole thread before commentin ....-face palm- OP please disregard some of that information. Edited June 7, 2020 by Fox Sake
kendahke Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, abbswhit said: Am I wrong for being extremely upset at this? feelings are neither right nor wrong--they just are. It's the action you put to the feelings that enters into things being right or wrong. What you've found out is that gifts for your birthday aren't on your boyfriend's radar. Video games are. What you chose to spend and give him is on you, unless you were giving to get, and that's a dangerous game to play if you're not prepared to be left empty handed. In the future, I'd suggest closing your wallet when it comes to giving him gifts for special occasions for the time being. Spend that money on yourself instead. He's not checking for your birthday this year. Next year, it might be different, since you said you think he'll make up for it... Edited June 7, 2020 by kendahke
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 If you guys are only 17 it's going to be a while before you can count on him to really consistently put other's needs before his own wants. I don't think this means he's a terrible person. I think it just means he's 17. 1
MK2020 Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 Don’t ever ignore your gut instinct or question your feelings! The problem here is not that he does not have the money, but rather that he did not in any way attempt to make you feel special on your birthday. He could have made you breakfast or cheap ass home made birthday card, some small gesture that shows that he cares... anyway, if that is the only problem maybe let it go and learn not expect gifts from him, but if this is one of many other red flags than move on.
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 (edited) You are both learning about life and relationships. The way I see it he tried to pull a fast one on you meaning he did a bad behavior and watched if you'd make a big deal about it or if he'd get away with it. Apparently you didn't make a big deal about it right? So you've sent the message that it's ok to make promises to you and not keep them. You need to learn to express your disappointment (and joy when he behaves good) to your partner in clear words, no hinting, men aren't good at getting those. John, it hurts me that you skipped my b'day so you could pay yourself some videogames. It make me feel unimportant, you are a very important person to me and I was looking forward to your gesture of love. John will think twice next time before hurting your feelings. You have a role in this relationship and it's to speak up, in a kind way. Couples don't last long by hiding their hurt feelings toward each other, they last long because they communicate. Edited June 7, 2020 by Gaeta 2
poppyfields Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 (edited) He's 17. Do you honestly think 17 year old boys think about things like that -- testing a girl's reaction when he behaves badly? I could be wrong, but I doubt it. At 17, he's clueless. Into video games and hanging with friends. I do agree to talk to him though if you think he's worth it. What Gaeta suggested or similar. He needs to learn how to treat a girl/woman properly. In this case, you. And to remember you're not "one of the guys" who probably wouldn't give a rat's rear end if they received anything for their bday. We teach people how to treat us as the saying goes. He's 17. He has a lot to learn. Edited June 7, 2020 by poppyfields
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 (edited) 21 hours ago, abbswhit said: His immediate family is on the wealthy side where mine isn’t, however I always save up to get him something special for him. That's the problem right there....his family's wealth never taught him to do anything like that. He has no clue about what goes into giving a gift, and how special one can make it. He's always had it handed to him. Girl he's got a lot of life to live and learn about, but he shouldn't be taking up anymore of your time....date other people. When I was a teenager, I had 17 year old guys treat me like a queen...they had np making me feel special. So no excuse about his age...he's just a clueless dumb dumb or he just doesn't give a rat's butt about you. Edited June 7, 2020 by smackie9 1
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 6 hours ago, poppyfields said: He's 17. Do you honestly think 17 year old boys think about things like that -- testing a girl's reaction when he behaves badly? Nah, not a 'test' and it's not a 'game' but he was checking if he could get away with it, just like when I ask my teen to clean her room and she does a little less each time .......she checks how much she can get away with, she doesn't do it to test me or play a game with me, she does it because she is lazy (like many teens) and wants to do as little as possible. After a year dating, which is like 100 years for teens, he felt he could get away with it. 2 1
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: When I was a teenager It's been a long time since you and I were teens and things have changed a great deal since. They like to play adults early nowadays but emotionally mature much later I find.
mortensorchid Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 He sounds like a self centered person. I was with someone years ago who was always crying poverty. He had a very complicated sense of financial priorities I later realized, most of it was self centered and greedy. He only spent on toys that only he played with. He would not go places or drive 20 miles out of his way to go to a sale on things. But when he had to spend on me as his gf for a present or gift giving occasion suddenly he didn't have anything. I'd be wary of this man from here on, especially if he spent on a video game instead.
Noproblem Posted June 8, 2020 Posted June 8, 2020 Leave this cheap selfish insensitive loser. Please do that! Not only he is so callous about you, but also he lies already. Oh I can't afford flowers, who even freaking needs flowers, it's the gesture, the gesture, he literally can grab flowers from the garden with a nice card and you'll be happy with it. Please leave him, he'll spend his eternity disappointing you.
MsJayne Posted June 8, 2020 Posted June 8, 2020 That's just mean. Even a card, even a bunch of flowers he cut from his mum's garden, it's not about the money it's about the thought. Next year, who knows, maybe he'll get really romantic and just ignore your birthday altogether. If you do decide to stick around and tolerate his self-absorption I suggest that on his next birthday you buy yourself something really nice and take your self and some other guy out for dinner. 1
smackie9 Posted June 8, 2020 Posted June 8, 2020 16 hours ago, Gaeta said: It's been a long time since you and I were teens and things have changed a great deal since. They like to play adults early nowadays but emotionally mature much later I find. I don't think it's "maturity". It's the trophy generation where they have everything handed to them and no one loses. You get rewarded for almost anything and practically nothing. It's created self entitlement more than anything. 1 1
Acacia98 Posted June 11, 2020 Posted June 11, 2020 On 6/6/2020 at 10:40 PM, abbswhit said: The thing is he usually gets me things, for my first birthday we were together he got me something on the expensive side and for Christmas he got me a couple of things handmade which I thought was sweet. He is one of those boys that will let you steal his hoodie (as corny as that is). But this is an exception. I know an exception isn’t something major to worry about but it is just making me upset. Is not giving him anything for his birthday and using this as an excuse petty? I guess this is different from the version of events I got from your original post. But I don't think it makes a very big difference when all is said and done. You see, based on your posts, he said he didn't have money to buy you a gift and then he went ahead and bought himself an expensive gift. And apparently he had no problem with you realizing that he prioritized himself over you. To me, it seems like one of three things: 1. He's sending you a passive aggressive message to the effect that you don't get to tell him how to spend his money and when. If he wants to buy you a gift, he'll do it on his own terms. 2. He really is a selfish person by nature. He was previously generous because, when people first fall in love, they go out of the way to make an effort and impress the ones they love. But they can't sustain that effort forever because that's not who they really are. So, as they become comfortable in their relationships, they relax and show their true selves. 3. He is losing interest in you, so he doesn't see the need to bother. In other words, whatever the reasons for his behavior, it's not a good situation. I also sense you're not being completely honest with yourself. If your relationship is generally as good as you imply it is, then you shouldn't be so upset about this one thing that you feel the need to post about it on a forum or to revenge to make things "equal" again. Either you are excessively demanding and have unrealistic expectations, and that's forcing your boyfriend to rebel in an immature way OR your boyfriend is not treating you right and this is just one of many ways in which he has hurt you. Or perhaps both things are true. Whatever the case, I hope you're able to figure out what's best for you. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted June 12, 2020 Posted June 12, 2020 People lean toward selfish and cheap, or thoughtful and generous. I don't think most people deviate much from their natural disposition. I had a teenage boyfriend who was selfish and cheap, and others who were thoughtful and generous. I've always leaned toward thoughtful and generous myself. It doesn't take much money to be thoughtful and generous. I'll never date a selfish, cheap guy again. It insults the heart and soul.
MissBee Posted June 12, 2020 Posted June 12, 2020 He's inconsiderate and selfish. Don't really see any other explanation here. But you should still communicate with him about how it made you feel that he didn't seem to take any time to celebrate you on your birthday. Even if he had no money (but clearly he just prioritized what he wanted to purchase, stuff for himself) he could have made you dinner or did SOMETHING at all to celebrate you. Gifts are in my top 3 love languages, that doesn't mean i only care about expensive lavish gifts or material items, it's that I feel loved when someone thinks of me and takes the time out to do something for me or get me something they think I will like. This is also part of how I show love and can't really fathom not attempting to even do anything at all. I've done as little when I was absolutely broke as to buy a $3 cupcake and some 99 cent candles and made dinner and had a cheap bottle of wine and a movie.
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