BogueBanks Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 I’m a 32 year old divorcée. I started dating my ex husband my freshman year of college and we were together until two years ago . I never really experienced dating . I’m finding out I’m super jealous After just 2-3 dates I’ll find myself falling for someone way too quickly and not wanting them to date anyone else . And then I obsess over it. Like if they aren’t texting back quickly I’m thinking “ great , they’re on a date with someone else .” Obviously at that point in the game we aren’t near exclusivity and we are both free to casually date . I get really preoccupied with it during this stage of dating when I should be having fun . Then there’s anxiety over when to become exclusive . Tips on how not to fall so quickly ? And not get anxious or jealous in these early phases of dating ? I’m
chillii Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 (edited) l've never , understood any of this stuff all over the forum l'd never had bothered with a woman messing with other people too and the sort of person l'd go for would feel exactly the same. lf your not so exited all you can think about is each other then your wasting your time anyway, there just isn't even enough there in the first place. Never had this so called talk thing in my life either not before married or since , that's a given believe me if your truly into each other . Edited June 6, 2020 by chillii 3 1
manfrombelow Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 6 hours ago, BogueBanks said: I’m a 32 year old divorcée. I started dating my ex husband my freshman year of college and we were together until two years ago . I never really experienced dating . I’m finding out I’m super jealous After just 2-3 dates I’ll find myself falling for someone way too quickly and not wanting them to date anyone else . And then I obsess over it. Like if they aren’t texting back quickly I’m thinking “ great , they’re on a date with someone else .” Obviously at that point in the game we aren’t near exclusivity and we are both free to casually date . I get really preoccupied with it during this stage of dating when I should be having fun . Then there’s anxiety over when to become exclusive . Tips on how not to fall so quickly ? And not get anxious or jealous in these early phases of dating ? I’m This applies to both sexes: Never put all eggs into one bracket. When you go out hunting, erm, I mean dating, make sure you date MULTIPLE people at once, so your mind won't get ONEITIS (look it up) at any particular person. 4 1 1
manfrombelow Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 One more advice for you OP, I would get turned off a lot if I'm dating a needy woman. I'd not dump her the same way women dump needy guys of course but I'd only keep her around as a FB, if you know what I mean. 1 1 1
Miss Spider Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 There are plenty of people who do not like multi-dating and want to be exclusive off the bat. Just date guys who feel the same way as you do and make sure you're both on the same page. I sense a little insecurity/desperation in you, which could have to do with being a divorcee recently back on the dating field. Why does your mind jump to them being with someone else if you don't get a response? Maybe they had to go to the bathroom and forgot. Maybe they haven't looked yet. Maybe they are taking their time to decide on a response. Also, if you are finding multiple you are "falling for" after a date or two, it's unlikely you are properly vetting them. Most of our feelings for someone at the beginning is just idealism anyway. It takes time to really get to know someone and if they're right for you. 3 1
Calmandfocused Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 You’re in preoccupation with a fantasy which is causing you to obsess about these men from the get go. You’re building them up in your head to be “the one” and you’re fantasising about the future. Get a grip on reality, bring your attention back to the here and now and give these men chance to show you who they are. You’re possessiveness early on is quite worrying. These men have not committed to you and are therefore entitled to do as they please. You need to work on this else these men will run away from you once they become aware how needy you are. Focus on building your independence and valuing yourself which will also help you keep this behaviour at bay. 2
chillii Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, manfrombelow said: This applies to both sexes: Never put all eggs into one bracket. When you go out hunting, erm, I mean dating, make sure you date MULTIPLE people at once, so your mind won't get ONEITIS (look it up) at any particular person. So tell us , how's this zero picker date anyone and everyone strategy been workin for ya , have you actually ever had a long term relationship /marriage, age ? Edited June 6, 2020 by chillii
Gaeta Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 I have learn late in life the art of 'letting go' and it has been a gift to my life. So you go on 2-3 dates and the guy starts losing interest then what? They have brought nothing to your life yet, they have 0 value, you've made 0 investment in them, and if they disappear suddenly absolutely nothing in your life will change, right? so let it go. When you meet a new guy tell yourself if it works it does, if it doesn't then someone better will cross my path. You are jealous because you give those men value when they have none. You are also jealous because unconciously you think you can 'change' or 'control' how they feel about you. You cannot. The guy wants to date other women, let him....move on to next. Dating is a number game. Eventually you will come across a man that wants to spend his time with you as much as you want to spend time with him. It will unfold naturally and with no efforts. You will not have to 'control' it. If you feel you need to control it, you're not with the right person. Give these dates 3 dates, no more. Let those 3 dates breath, let it unfold naturally to see their true nature. 2 1 1
chillii Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 Can't say as l ever had that happen , they always wanted to marry me - God knows why haha. 1
poppyfields Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, chillii said: So tell us , how's this zero picker date anyone and everyone strategy been workin for ya , have you actually ever had a long term relationship /marriage, age ? I hear ya chilli, I'm with you, one at a time, which happens only when it's obvious there is a strong mutual attraction which we both can feel, pretty much from the get go. Hasn't happened very often and till it did, I just go on dates with different guys until I found that. I don't multi date/juggle several guys simultaneously. And I've never had "the talk" either in any of my LTR, the closest to that was with my current bf, after around 2-3 months, I asked if we could be exclusive and he looked at me as if I had two heads and said "I thought we already were"! Lol However, there are people who do enjoy multi dating, I question if they're actually seeking a LTR with one person, many are not which is okay! To each his own as they say. I get the sense that manfrombelow is one such person, so the advice he and others like him give will come from having that mindframe. Which may be the wrong advice if the OP is seeking a long term committed relationship with one person - multi dating, never keep your eggs in one basket, don't develop "oneitus" is the antithesis of that imo. Some people think having "oneitus" is a bad thing, well imo it's not, not when there is a strong mutual attraction and connection, and you WANT to focus on one person, and vice versa. That's how it works imho. To the OP, it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about dating and perhaps other things. General anxiety will cause that, overthinking, obsessive irrational thoughts. Somehow you need to learn to manage that, maybe with the help of a professional? Or on your own by getting lots of exercise (increases endorphins and serotonin) which affect your mood, meditation, even eating the right foods can help and no alcohol. Good luck! Edited June 6, 2020 by poppyfields 2
chillii Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 (edited) Yeah from what l've seen with those kind of tips is they're pretty well professional daters and been going round and round for years and years . That's ok if that's all they want l guess but yeah it's not good advice for the op she obviously couldn't handle living like that and it'd be that last thing she needs to be trying to do would be my guess. Edited June 6, 2020 by chillii 1
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 13 hours ago, BogueBanks said: Tips on how not to fall so quickly ? And not get anxious or jealous in these early phases of dating? Better self talk. Remind yourself that it's too early. Hold your heart until they earn your trust & love. Seriously, just keep yourself in check. When you start to think they are the "one" stop. Give yourself a mental shake & in the beginning all you are to do is decide do you want another date. For the 1st month think no farther ahead then the next date. After 2 or 3 months you can think a week ahead. After 6ish months you can start thinking a month ahead. In the meantime look at the new guy's behavior. Does he treat you well? Do his actions match his words? If you aren't getting the words or you only get the words, he's not sincere. 4
Lotsgoingon Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 Start prioritizing your life outside of dating. 3
ShyViolet Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 You never really experienced dating..... that's the problem. You are not used to dating and how it works. You have unrealistic expectations and you are overthinking things. Maybe you need to date for a while and learn the ropes, learn how it works and what the "norms" are. And just stop overthinking things. After 2-3 dates you don't own a person, they can still do whatever they want. 1 1
miranda561 Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 17 hours ago, BogueBanks said: I’m a 32 year old divorcée. I started dating my ex husband my freshman year of college and we were together until two years ago . I never really experienced dating . I’m finding out I’m super jealous After just 2-3 dates I’ll find myself falling for someone way too quickly and not wanting them to date anyone else . And then I obsess over it. Like if they aren’t texting back quickly I’m thinking “ great , they’re on a date with someone else .” Obviously at that point in the game we aren’t near exclusivity and we are both free to casually date . I get really preoccupied with it during this stage of dating when I should be having fun . Then there’s anxiety over when to become exclusive . Tips on how not to fall so quickly ? And not get anxious or jealous in these early phases of dating ? I’m If it happens all the time with every new person you start dating..sounds like you have some codependency issues. I agree with others saying you place far too much value on people who may potentially not see you the exact same way. Its just good to keep a logical frame of mind in these matters. If you can't, i suggest you take a time out and work on those negative behavioural patterns. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 Guys are using OLD now to bang everything in sight.. I am being told its like fish in a barrel...If they don't get what they actually want in terms of LTR, they'll -play along until they wore that out and go on to another...I wouldn't do that, sounds like a ton of aggravation,. but I guess I can see some of the benefit of it...Women do the same thing...maybe not for sex but for company and maybe some free nice dinners and someone to talk to beside their cat or their mother.. I would recommend stating up front that you don't want to be "shopped"...They may lie to you anyway, but at least they know where you stand...If you are going to wind yourself up with jealousy and strife, its not going to be much fun...To be honest though, most mature men that I know don't want to be shopped either, so I don't think it will be that hard to find someone on the same page.. TFY 2
kendahke Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 (edited) On 6/5/2020 at 10:51 PM, BogueBanks said: Tips on how not to fall so quickly ? Stop expecting devotion right off the bat. That's unrealistic. You don't know them well enough to form an attachment that strongly and quickly. What you are falling in love with is your idea of who you think/wish they were (a.k.a. an artificial construct)--and they aren't that. They are themselves. A new relationship isn't your life raft. Edited June 7, 2020 by kendahke 4
balletomane Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 Last year I signed up for OLD for the first time. I'd spent two years in an abusive relationship, and nearly half my twenties had been spent recovering from that. I'd never really dated either. I'd had one boyfriend before my abusive ex, and he'd been a friend before we became a couple. So I was quite nervous and unsure what to expect. I decided to set my expectations low: I wanted to meet interesting people, have some fun conversations, and continue to build up my confidence. I didn't immediately think in terms of finding 'the one'. This approach worked well for me. Treat each date as a nice experience in and of itself, and remind yourself it doesn't have to lead to anything to be worthwhile. Also keep reminding yourself that you don't necessarily want to jump into a long-term relationship with the first person who shows interest in one. You aren't desperately looking to be back in a comfortable 'relationship' box, where literally any interested man will do. You have to be selective for the sake of your future happiness. Jealousy at this very early stage is a sign that you're more invested in the idea of a relationship than in the person, whom you don't yet know.
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2020 Posted June 7, 2020 I married my 1st boyfriend at 20 yo. When I started online dating 20 years later I had 0 dating experience. It was my 17 yo daughter (at the time) that explained to me if a man doesn't call back he's not interested, that tells how naive I was. So because of my lack of experience with dating and lack of experience with men I ended up going through many many dates before finding the one. I was played with and lied to many times untill I started understanding it. It took me 3,5 years of dating before meeting my current boyfriend (4 years together now). Now you'll say no way you'll put yourself through 3 years of bull but I'll tell you, those 3 years of bull have taught me a great deal about life, relationships and men language. I think my current relationship is doing so well because of that 3 years of bull and the experience and wisdom I gained from it. Remember the journey is as important as the destination. All this hardship you will go through will make you wiser, it will teach you about yourself, and at the end it will help you pick the right partner. 2
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