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Upset with my past?


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Posted (edited)

Hello everyone,

I have been dating this girl for close to a year. We've been friends since high school but we ended up falling in love around end of May last year. As usual things were well at first. However, she started going through my social media and noticed that one of my close friends may have once been in love with me. She got upset and pointed out all the "obvious signs and posts" that I missed. Some of these posts included "date" or "love ya" in the pictures of comments and it somewhat did make sense that maybe this friend liked me.I also mentioned that this girl said "Im like a brother to her" so I never thought of this girl liking me and thought that's the whole "friendzone" thing. She still got mad and said "Guys write that on reddit relationships and then find out the best friend like him all along. It doesn't mean ****". It also doesn't help that some of my friends had told me that this friend liked me, but I never thought much of it because they said that about other female friends I had.

Eventually I removed that friend from social media with no explanation and haven't spoke to them since. 5 months has passed and she continues to ask me "how did you not see the obvious signs?". I finally had it and asked why it's still important to her still when the friend was deleted. Her response was these 2 things

- "If that friend was obviously in love with you and you didn't notice it, then it means you never told her no and didn't set standards for your friendship. otherwise she would have stopped loving you and being friends. Why would people stay friends with someone they once loved and know they can't have regardless."

-"You probably didn't like her, but you enjoyed the idea of a girl having feelings for her. So you strung her along as your friend because its nice to get attention"

I have since denied both telling her "Im sorry I didnt see this girls hints" and "If I had known I would have just told them I didn't like them because I dont want to give anyone false hope".

Can you guys tell me what I can do to better this situation? Did I miss obvious signs and how can I make things better for us?

Edited by RJJennings1
Posted (edited)

Yes you may have...but you are also missing that your GF is cray cray...and you should run to the hills.  Me personally wouldn't tolerate such nonsense. She will continue to scan, stalk, inspect, snoop, invade your privacy. This is the beginning of hell for you. In her mind she is right, and you can't ever be trusted...no matter what you say to her. She will twist it around making you the bad guy. TBH you did nothing wrong if you didn't notice your friend's hints....so what. Nothing happened anyway.

Edited by smackie9
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Posted

You can better it by telling her you love her and she is your future.

And if she wants to live in your past, then it's her that needs to make things better for you before you move on. 

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Posted
4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Yes you may have...but you are also missing that your GF is cray cray...and you should run to the hills.  Me personally wouldn't tolerate such nonsense. She will continue to scan, stalk, inspect, snoop, invade your privacy. This is the beginning of hell for you. In her mind she is right, and you can't ever be trusted...no matter what you say to her. She will twist it around making you the bad guy. TBH you did nothing wrong if you didn't notice your friend's hints....so what. Nothing happened anyway.

I get that I didn't notice it, but she thinks that I wont set boundaries if another friend does something similar. How should I address that?

Posted (edited)

Dude you are not listening....it's just an assumption, not fact. But yet she's making it a fact. You see where I am going with this? You can delete all the females off your social media, but she will continue to harass you about nothing, because she's extremely insecure/paranoid. That doesn't go away with words....if anything she needs therapy.

Tell her to cut it out, that what she sees isn't true....and that's the truth. See where that takes you.

Edited by smackie9
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Posted
9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Yes you may have...but you are also missing that your GF is cray cray...and you should run to the hills.  Me personally wouldn't tolerate such nonsense. She will continue to scan, stalk, inspect, snoop, invade your privacy. This is the beginning of hell for you. In her mind she is right, and you can't ever be trusted...no matter what you say to her. She will twist it around making you the bad guy. TBH you did nothing wrong if you didn't notice your friend's hints....so what. Nothing happened anyway.

The best part is the presumption that his girlfriend is right about her suspicions, lol.  What if she is wrong?  That's the problems with jealous people: they are never satisfied and will find trouble every where. Pit of insecurity.  So unattractive.  

How to deal with it? you should dump her.  don't say we didn't warn you.

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Posted

Jealousy is bad bad bad. Before you know it, when in public, she's going to accuse you of hitting on the waitress just because you were just being friendly.

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Posted (edited)

Probabky needs a therapist and CBT to help her conquer her insecurities and pathological jealousy. Or maybe just a bf ok with not having autonomy and walking on eggshells all the time. 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Posted

I think her biggest fear is I will cheat on her. 

Posted
1 hour ago, RJJennings1 said:

Hello everyone,

I have been dating this girl for close to a year. We've been friends since high school but we ended up falling in love around end of May last year. As usual things were well at first. However, she started going through my social media and noticed that one of my close friends may have once been in love with me. She got upset and pointed out all the "obvious signs and posts" that I missed. Some of these posts included "date" or "love ya" in the pictures of comments and it somewhat did make sense that maybe this friend liked me.I also mentioned that this girl said "Im like a brother to her" so I never thought of this girl liking me and thought that's the whole "friendzone" thing. She still got mad and said "Guys write that on reddit relationships and then find out the best friend like him all along. It doesn't mean ****". It also doesn't help that some of my friends had told me that this friend liked me, but I never thought much of it because they said that about other female friends I had.

Eventually I removed that friend from social media with no explanation and haven't spoke to them since. 5 months has passed and she continues to ask me "how did you not see the obvious signs?". I finally had it and asked why it's still important to her still when the friend was deleted. Her response was these 2 things

- "If that friend was obviously in love with you and you didn't notice it, then it means you never told her no and didn't set standards for your friendship. otherwise she would have stopped loving you and being friends. Why would people stay friends with someone they once loved and know they can't have regardless."

-"You probably didn't like her, but you enjoyed the idea of a girl having feelings for her. So you strung her along as your friend because its nice to get attention"

I have since denied both telling her "Im sorry I didnt see this girls hints" and "If I had known I would have just told them I didn't like them because I dont want to give anyone false hope".

Can you guys tell me what I can do to better this situation? Did I miss obvious signs and how can I make things better for us?

You can start by telling her that your past is none of her business. I have been in relationships like this when I was younger. I tolerated it then, but I'm all grown up now and won't stand for a bit of it. And your 'sorry' response is awful. Who cares if you didn't see the hints? It was before you even got together right? You have nothing to apologize for. It's great that you love each other, but you need to lay down the law IMMEDIATELY or her behavior will escalate. Be strong, be honest, and communicate. Your girl sounds insecure and annoying though. Good luck. 

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Posted
2 hours ago, RJJennings1 said:

I think her biggest fear is I will cheat on her. 

That's instability right there. She can never ever trust you.

Posted

RJ, this isn't the kind of thing it's wise to press forward with.   The fact that she went through your old social media with a fine toothed comb looking for problems should be a dealbreaker.

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Posted (edited)

Dude, your gf is showing signs of pathological insecurity. The other folks above hit the point. She's imagining that this girl was in love with you. There is no clear evidence of such. I've had women say much stronger stuff than this alleged lost interest said on your social media ... only to learn that no, they were saying that as good friends. So you don't  want to accept her interpretation. No--do not accept it.

Two, why is she obsessing about your social media? And going back in time? ... Again, serious insecurity. Now she's got you on the defensive, apologizing, feeling inadequate when you haven't done anything.  We don't get to you and boundaries. That's like someone saying to me ... I saw you you left work 5 minutes early one day three years ago. Why should I believe you will follow through on your word? Can you see the absurdity here? 

But based on the above, you sound like you accept this nuttiness from your gf. So here's the bad news. Dude, she will keep raising issues ... Why didn't your mother laugh at that joke that I told? She must hate me. Guarantee that a next step will be accusing your friends or family of disliking her, of being cold to her. Own up to: if you've introduced her to friends or family, I guarantee you she's already done that.

Oh ... and it's likely to be true ... in fact, some of your friends and family will look at her strange, because they will notice what you are not--that there's something off about this woman. They will notice the insecurity and distance that you aren't. And you're going to have to lie and say, "oh, no, they really like." See how crazy this gets?!!!

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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Posted

What’s to say she isn’t projecting her own guilt on to you as insecurities.... Wouldn't be the first time I’ve seen that. 
 

Either way tho , she sounds like she needs time alone. Her behaviour is prime to “push you away” and when that happens,  she will want to reel you in even more. All hell ensues 

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Posted

Your girlfriend's obsession with this one small, meaningless thing that happened in the past is just bizarre.  She is being very controlling and it's not a good sign for this relationship.  You didn't even do anything.... someone else had feelings for you.  You didn't have feelings for them back.  Yet she is somehow looking for ways to attack you over it and make a huge issue out of it.  She is irrational and immature.  Do you really want to be with a person like that?

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Posted

@smackie9 is right. She's cray cray. Walk away. Now. 

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Posted

The way I see it you did nothing wrong. So what if you didn't notice she was interested? Can happen and you have nothing to apologize about.

That said, your girlfriend is feeling insecure. She's projecting her insecurities on that woman, probably because she doesn't know how else to talk about it. Based from what you wrote she has two fears:

1) that you are stringing her along and don't actually like her that much.

2) That you will leave her and cheat on her as soon as you meet someone new. 

This is due to low self-esteem, and there is not much you can do to change it. Apologizing or changing your behavior to make her happy will only make it worse. Something you could try though is sit her down and really ask her why she feels this way. Like really get to the bottom of it. And reassure her about the things she feels insecure about. Maybe also tell her how her behavior is hurting you and try to find ways she can communicate her insecurities in a less agressive manner.

Posted
8 hours ago, Mrin said:

@smackie9 is right. She's cray cray. Walk away. Now. 

IMO there's remedy for CRAY CRAY...........it's like the gift that keeps on giving. 

Posted
20 hours ago, RJJennings1 said:

I think her biggest fear is I will cheat on her. 

So? Nobody wants their partner to cheat. That doesn't give her permission to continue to needle you about this. 

If she's so convinced you are the kind of guy who will betray her, she needs to find a different boyfriend. I would personally be quite insulted that she thinks you are capable of that sort of behaviour. 

Think about what this says about her true level of respect for you. 

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Posted

I never understood this, like, reverse jealousy. "Some one you don't care about likes you! How could you do this to me?!" like, WHAT? 

It's one thing to bring up issues with your personal behaviour, but to try to appoint responsibility to you for someone else's, we will say, "perceived" feelings/actions is totally asinine. You've don't nothing wrong and you need to assert that with her. I can't express how detrimental you are being to your own case by apologizing. You're assuming responsibility for everyone's feelings but YOUR OWN. The facebook chick has nothing to do with anything. Even if you guys did flirt, have sex, date for 20 years, whatever. It doesn't matter. 

You could flip it on her and demonstrate jealousy towards someone totally arbitrary and see how she reacts. When she does you can say that's how she makes you feel. In my experience turning the tables with toxic behaviour usually goes either really well or really bad but both give you a pretty clear idea of what and who you're dealing with. 

Posted

I was like this with my first 'proper' boyfriend, back when I was 17...I blush with embarrassment now to think how badly I behaved.  I'm 51 now so that was in the days before social media, email (thank goodness).  However I did give my poor boyfriend the third degree about his previous girlfriend and was so pathetically jealous of her, and worried he still had feelings for her (she broke up with him).  

I was very insecure and had very low self-esteem and even though he did reassure me constantly,  I still didn't feel better or stop it.  I ended the relationship in the end (for other reasons) and didn't have another until I'd grown up considerably and realised the only good place for the past was the past. 

It's not your job to help her with this, she needs to help herself.  

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Posted
12 minutes ago, Mittens said:

I was like this with my first 'proper' boyfriend, back when I was 17...I blush with embarrassment now to think how badly I behaved.  I'm 51 now so that was in the days before social media, email (thank goodness).  However I did give my poor boyfriend the third degree about his previous girlfriend and was so pathetically jealous of her, and worried he still had feelings for her (she broke up with him).  

I was very insecure and had very low self-esteem and even though he did reassure me constantly,  I still didn't feel better or stop it.  I ended the relationship in the end (for other reasons) and didn't have another until I'd grown up considerably and realised the only good place for the past was the past. 

It's not your job to help her with this, she needs to help herself.  

Jealous and CLINGY people are a GREAT DEAL to endure.  It becomes quite taxing IMO and creates undo tension from seemingly NOTHING.  She seems like a creator of DRAMA and not the good kind.  Above, I meant to say that there is NO remedy for being CRAY CRAY and it just seems to get worse with the passing of TIME. 

Posted (edited)

So I just re read your entire thread. I put myself in your partners shoes. 

I’m gonna play Devils advocate here and stick something else into the equation. The complete opposite of my last post. Because either situation is plausible and I actually want you to sit and be honest with yourself. You don’t have to tell any of us . 

Now we all know you only ever get one side of the story from people who post. 

the part which stood out to me 

On 6/5/2020 at 7:40 PM, RJJennings1 said:

t also doesn't help that some of my friends had told me that this friend liked me, but I never thought much of it because they said that about other female friends I had.
 

Notice the plural in “female friends” ..It’s an ego boost wheneve you hear anything like that , that  someone probably likes you, sounds like you heard it a lot. How many female friends have you got? 

You say you didn’t have any clue they liked you. What I think happened is that you did have a clue. And they just weren’t good enough for you or didn’t meet up to your standards, you knew the flirted with you , so you ran with the attention and it never went further. 
I wouldn’t be surprised if that , and your confidence was enough to make her paranoid all on its own. I know you’re confident. I can tell by the way you wrote your post. So I can see how your partner would think almost the same thing. 
 

Now , say she is crazy and feels paranoid. Was she ever cheated on? Can you truthfully say that you give her absolutely nothing to be paranoid about at all? Ever. Not one time? I think if you look hard enough , you’ll find something. 
 

Just putting this out there cos I don’t think it’s fair to call someone crazy that none of us really know from just a post. She’s entire complex human being. 
There’s always 2 sides to a story , and although the post comes across as well written and concerned I can’t shake a niggling feeling that you must have given her cause for concern at some point. 
I don’t doubt you want to sort it out. Cos there is nothing worse than feeling that way. And that goes for both parties- you and her. 
Not saying it’s gospel. Just food for thought fro  all angles and this one isn’t designed for you, it’s designed to make you look at yourself  

 

Edited by Fox Sake
Posted (edited)
18 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:


I wouldn’t be surprised if that , and your confidence was enough to make her paranoid all on its own. I know you’re confident. I can tell by the way you wrote your post.
 

Uh ... no way is the OP confident.

A confident guy would have looked at this woman and said, "I don't owe you any explanation for my lack of interest in someone who may or may not have been interested in me in the past."

And if she continued, a confident person would have politely shown her the door and as soon as that door shut behind her, he would have inhaled a deep sigh of relief.  OP needs to be a lot more confident. 

Edited by Lotsgoingon
Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Uh ... no way is the OP confident.

A confident guy would have looked at this woman and said, "I don't owe you any explanation for my lack of interest in someone who may or may not have been interested in me in the past."

And if she continued, a confident person would have politely shown her the door and as soon as that door shut behind her, he would have inhaled deep sigh of relief.  OP needs to be a lot more confident. If he's on the defensive about this invented nothing, what happens when he makes a genuine mistake right now? Death penalty?

I think you maybe missed my point. 
they’ve been together a year,  so that takes that part out of the equation,  as far as I’m concerned. They’re already emotionally invested. 
 

Secondly , confidence doesn’t mean wisdom and emotional Maturity.. that only comes with age. I would be very surprised if either of these two were over 25. 
 

Lastly, Nothing wrong with reflecting back on himself instead of pointing fingers at others. I’m sure almost everyone here can relate from one side of the fence or another. 
not saying he shouldn’t t leave. Just encouraging some self reflection. 
 

Edited by Fox Sake
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