GoOrioles Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Hey all, I'm a 22 year old guy, and I am on a break with my girlfriend of 3 years. We've had a fantastic relationship until now, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I do not have a driver liscense, but that's a whole seperate issue. She is in her second year as a teacher, but has a rough, rough, class, and is constantly tiered from it. We spend almost all our time together, although we do not live together. In the past month and a half, she hasn't been afectionate towards me, including no sex. It has been very difficult for me, and she knows that. She swears that she is still as attracted to me as she was when we first started going out, so I hope she is telling the truth. This is the reason for our break. It was her idea, as she thinks not seeing me will help her realize what is causing the problem. We're not looking for other people at all, and we both still definately love one another. She hasnt given me any time length on the break though. She still wants to talk to me every day, just not see me. Like shes on a vacation. What do you all think, what should/do i do? I really, really, don't want to lose her! Please give me your honest opinions, thanks.
Beausene Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 All you can do is respect her need to be on her own for a while. If you don't, she'll end up resenting you. Many people go through times like these. Myself included, and my boyfriend, who is on his "time" right now. It isn't necessarily a negative thing. She'll most likely realise how important you are in her life, and appreciate you more, and you the same. Sometimes when we're in a situation, like a long relationship, we lose touch with everything else, without realising it. Then, when we do, we need a "time out". It's a natural thing for some people. She obviously has a lot of stuff on her mind, and needs to sort it out. It's a hard thing to do, and it's easier when you can devote yourself to...well yourself only. I know you feel helpless, and it's hard not knowing the future. All you can do is respect her, and be supportive when she needs you. Good luck.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 In the past month and a half, she hasn't been afectionate towards me, including no sex. I really, really, don't want to lose her! For all intents and purposes, you already have. No amount of 'break' will change the fact that emotionally speaking, your relationship is over. I'm guessing this 'break' is less about reconciliation and more about the long slow breakup. You are pretty much stuck if you want to keep her in your life on her terms. She is setting the pace she is comfortable with, and this arrangement works 100% for her. If you try to change it, or push her in any way, or do ANYTHING to see your own needs met - she will request more 'space' and the 'break' will take even longer. If you want to see some real results, tell her that you can't handle having your heart ripped out and being reduced to a 'phone buddy' - and then break up with her, and ask her not to contact you in any way, shape or form. She wants to see what its like to lose you, and decide whether or not to hold on? Then yank it out from under her and show her what her life will be like without you. Then, and only then will she be forced to really think about what it is she wants and what the loss of it does to her. You have a choice: slow death or sudden death. Which is the lesser of two evils for you? If you stick around, the relationship dies long and slow. If you hand her a firm 'breakup' in exchange for her 'break' and send her into hard 'no contact' oblivion - then its the sudden death (but with the added bonus of her being forced to really think about what it is she is doing). Both will be painful, but its apparent that she has given you no real happy choices in the matter.
helena abadi Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 right on, Lucrezia, as per usual. i agree with yanking the rug out hard from underneath them. sudden death is the lesser of two evils, and being the yanker, rather than the yankee, does give you some measure of strength in the situation where too often, if you are the potential dumpee, or if you have just been dumped, you feel weakened, you have too little control and your dignity is being torn to shreds, as well as your heart. the potential dumpee feels the dumper has the power. take it back with all your might. it is sending a crystal clear message that you have your own terms, and are not letting the dumper dictate all. sudden death does force the other person's hand. it is calling their bluff. there are no guarantees they will return, but YOU are creating the empty space where either it can be eventually rekindled, or healing and moving on can begin. and that is a powerful thing to do for youself.
Buggles Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 you need to give her space girls like that trust me i am one ask her if she will give you a chance and say if you want space i will give it to you and dont worry about the sex there is no reason y she wont give it to you in the future and there are two important words "I understand" i hope that is ok for you
Author GoOrioles Posted October 10, 2005 Author Posted October 10, 2005 First, I'd like to thank you all for your help so far. It's been nice to see everyones perspective on this. We talked some last night, and whether or not I should have, I told her how I thought the break was a bad idea, and that we should work on it together. She stood her ground and said she thinks she needs to work on it herself. She has constantly reassured me that she still loves me, and still wants to spend her life with me. We also agreed that we would go through with seeing one another once a week, while on this break. There are also no other guys at all in the picture, and we promised on that end. The last thing we did, my idea, was that if the break is still going in a month, that we would end the break, and work on it together. Are these good ideas? Please continue with your advice, as I really, really, appreciate it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 The last thing we did, my idea, was that if the break is still going in a month, that we would end the break, and work on it together. You need to be fully prepared for what will happen, if after a month she still needs that 'break'. You may want to add in there, that if she is still needing a break after a month then you will need to discuss breaking up.
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