Dating an insecure man

[angelfire138]

Hi all,

Been awhile since I posted! I'm having an issue that I'm hoping to get some input on.

I met a guy earlier this year, we hit it off. And then started dating before the pandemic hit. He asked me to be his girlfriend about a month in, and we started a relationship. I am 35 and he is 30.

Things were going just fine...except he's slowly showing he's very, very insecure. He had admitted it to me early on, but I thought, I used to suffer from crippling insecurities in the past, so we'll understand each other. I know he had a tough childhood where his parents abused and neglected him. I've also had parents who were never emotionally there for me, so I thought I could relate somewhat to what he was going through. He definitely struggles with a poor self-image.

Throughout the last couple months, he's been accusing me on and off of not loving him, even saying sometimes that I hate him, especially when he's drunk. I don't understand why, I've done nothing to make him believe that. 

Tonight, we were having a couple drinks and I thought everything was going just fine. We were talking about getting engaged and married. Then all of a sudden, he blew up at me and stormed out of my place. Saying how my best friend was a jerk and why would I hang out with someone like her (granted, she wasn't the nicest or most polite to him, because she's like that) and how I never stood up to her (I did, and that's why she stopped saying anything about the relationship). Then he accused me of wanting to leave him because he smoked once, even though he knew smoking is a dealbreaker for me, because I have asthma. I also never said I wanted to leave him, just let him know I wasn't happy that he smoked. Lastly, he started saying that I was watching a reality show to check out hot topless guys. And then he stormed off on me, saying he was going to stay with a friend for the night. Blowing up my phone about how he doesn't deserve love and he knew that nobody would ever love him. I could do nothing but sit there and try to console and reassure him.

I'm sitting here by myself now, utterly baffled as to what just happened. Im on the verge of breaking up with him, but a small part of me still wants to help him. And I do love him.

Has anyone ever dated someone so insecure? How did it work out? 

Thanks in advance! Let me know if there's anything I need to clarify.

[ShyViolet]

I don't think he's insecure, he actually sounds a bit mentally unbalanced.  You haven't been with this guy long at all, only a few months.  He's already starting to show a very dark, unhealthy side.  You can't "help" him.  You can't change him or fix him.  You need to protect yourself by removing yourself from this crazy guy and this situation.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, angelfire138 said:

Has anyone ever dated someone so insecure? How did it work out? 

Yes, and it didn't work out. 

It drained the life out of me and I couldn't do it anymore. That's not what a good relationship looks like. The fact that you're already talking about engagement is also  concerning, considering you two are still just getting to know each other. 

This man is showing you he's not only insecure, but he's also controlling (he's trying to cut you off from your best friend) rude, and not emotionally stable. You can't fix this; he needs the sort of help you cannot provide. Consoling him is enabling his toxic behaviour. 

I'm sorry. It's not healthy and if you are wise, you will move on from him. 

[Miss Spider]

I agree with everyone else..: this seems to go beyond what I think of when I think ‘insecure’. It’s abusive behavior. Not trying to dx anyone. but last couple days i read about BPD  and I’m just saying...

Edited June 5, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[contel3]

33 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I agree with everyone else..: this seems to go beyond what I think of when I think ‘insecure’. It’s abusive behavior. Not trying to dx anyone. but last couple days i read about BPD  and I’m just saying...

Yeah I thought the same thing, doesn't sound like insecurity more like BPD or another type of attachment disorder. He probably believes everyone hates him and he's projecting on you.

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, angelfire138 said:

Blowing up my phone about how he doesn't deserve love and he knew that nobody would ever love him. I could do nothing but sit there and try to console and reassure him.

I'm sitting here by myself now, utterly baffled as to what just happened. Im on the verge of breaking up with him, but a small part of me still wants to help him. And I do love him.

Has anyone ever dated someone so insecure? How did it work out? 

I agree that it sounds like BPD, and probably a fairly severe case if he's going off like that for no real reason. I was married to a high-functioning BPD, so the patterns are familiar.

The essence of BPD is an emptiness in the core sense of self, or the lack of belief in one's own worthiness. If they could just realize that and ask for reassurance it wouldn't be so bad... but unfortunately it manifests in bizarre behaviors, and mostly within their intimate relationships. This feeling of worthlessness is so painful that they develop rigid defense mechanisms to psychologically distance from the awareness they need. Projection of their feelings onto the intimate partner is a favorite. Even though they're victims of something awful and suffer terribly themselves, it's extremely difficult to be in a relationship with them. It will wear you down 'til there's nothing left. And you can't fix them, you can't love them out of it.

It's hard to break up with someone whose deepest fear is that of being rejected, not being lovable. Ultimately it comes down to a question of whether to give your life over to their illness, or to save yourself. I'm sorry for you both. It's tough.

Edited June 5, 2020 by salparadise

[smackie9]

As you breakup tell him in future, if he ever wants a sustainable relationship, he needs to get professional help. Walk away as fast as you can.

[Emilie Jolie]

9 hours ago, angelfire138 said:

but a small part of me still wants to help him

Not a good foundation to a lasting, healthy relationship of equals. You can't help him, he needs to help himself. And look at his alcohol consumption.

[Fox Sake]

There’s  so many very very clever people on here! Great answers 

Edited June 5, 2020 by Fox Sake

[Calmandfocused]

He’s not insecure, he’s controlling. 
 

And yes he’s showing clear signs of being abusive. 
 

At the moment he’s grooming you into position. There is a clear message here: “do as I do/ say, think how I think,  or this is how I will treat you” You will comply to avoid these outburst and you will lose yourself (and your friends)  in the process.  

I promise you that even if you do let yourself be completely controlled by him these episodes will continue. 
 

Welcome to the madness. 
 

Stop making excuses for him. See his behaviour for what it is. And get yourself familiar with gaslighting. 
 

Get out now. 

Edited June 5, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[poppyfields]

12 hours ago, angelfire138 said:

Hi all,

Been awhile since I posted! I'm having an issue that I'm hoping to get some input on.

I met a guy earlier this year, we hit it off. And then started dating before the pandemic hit. He asked me to be his girlfriend about a month in, and we started a relationship. I am 35 and he is 30.

Things were going just fine...except he's slowly showing he's very, very insecure. He had admitted it to me early on, but I thought, I used to suffer from crippling insecurities in the past, so we'll understand each other. I know he had a tough childhood where his parents abused and neglected him. I've also had parents who were never emotionally there for me, so I thought I could relate somewhat to what he was going through. He definitely struggles with a poor self-image.

Throughout the last couple months, he's been accusing me on and off of not loving him, even saying sometimes that I hate him, especially when he's drunk. I don't understand why, I've done nothing to make him believe that. 

Tonight, we were having a couple drinks and I thought everything was going just fine. We were talking about getting engaged and married. Then all of a sudden, he blew up at me and stormed out of my place. Saying how my best friend was a jerk and why would I hang out with someone like her (granted, she wasn't the nicest or most polite to him, because she's like that) and how I never stood up to her (I did, and that's why she stopped saying anything about the relationship). Then he accused me of wanting to leave him because he smoked once, even though he knew smoking is a dealbreaker for me, because I have asthma. I also never said I wanted to leave him, just let him know I wasn't happy that he smoked. Lastly, he started saying that I was watching a reality show to check out hot topless guys. And then he stormed off on me, saying he was going to stay with a friend for the night. Blowing up my phone about how he doesn't deserve love and he knew that nobody would ever love him. I could do nothing but sit there and try to console and reassure him.

I'm sitting here by myself now, utterly baffled as to what just happened. Im on the verge of breaking up with him, but a small part of me still wants to help him. And I do love him.

Has anyone ever dated someone so insecure? How did it work out? 

Thanks in advance! Let me know if there's anything I need to clarify.

This is mental/emotional abuse.  Which in time typically escalates to physical abuse. 

You up for that? Didn't think so.

It makes sense there is an attraction, like attracts like. 

But when that likeness comes from a place of neglect, past abuse, anxieties, distrust and insecurities, your heading down a very dark, toxic and dangerous path.

I don't know you, but perhaps on some level, that excites you?  Draws you to him?  The power he holds over you?

Some women find that exciting, typically women from abusive homes and/or emotionally unavailable parents. 

No one can make the decision for you, just be aware of what you're heading into, and take care of you!  

 

Edited June 5, 2020 by poppyfields

[ThorntonMelon]

He's not insecure. He's far more than that.

While only you can decide what you will tolerate, it will take years off your life to manage his moods if you stay. 

[Malin889]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

He’s not insecure, he’s controlling. 
 

And yes he’s showing clear signs of being abusive. 
 

At the moment he’s grooming you into position. There is a clear message here: “do as I do/ say, think how I think,  or this is how I will treat you” You will comply to avoid these outburst and you will lose yourself (and your friends)  in the process.  

I promise you that even if you do let yourself be completely controlled by him these episodes will continue. 
 

Welcome to the madness. 
 

Stop making excuses for him. See his behaviour for what it is. And get yourself familiar with gaslighting. 
 

Get out now. 

Agree 1000% with this. It's abusive behavior, and it's good that you are witnessing it now, since you are not too attached, you can get out before being too scared. Definitely block his number so he can't "blow up" your phone after you break up with him, which he will. And always remember this, it's from a famous quote, "You want a Partner, not a Project."

[CaliforniaGirl]

Honestly, I don't think this is going to get better. It will only get worse. He wants to isolate you in order to prove your love. He's trying to separate you from your friend, for example.

I would definitely not be getting engaged to this man. He has stuff to work out and even if he says he's working on it, it's pretty obvious that he either isn't, or he just isn't getting better. He may cry and beg and even say he'll see a therapist but don't fall for it. He'll only do that long enough to reel you back in.

 

[deepthinking]

Age 30. This cannot be the first time his past has erupted.   Seems he can't hold his drink.   You have just glimpsed your future.  Dramatics!!

[Malin889]

6 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I would definitely not be getting engaged to this man. He has stuff to work out and even if he says he's working on it, it's pretty obvious that he either isn't, or he just isn't getting better. He may cry and beg and even say he'll see a therapist but don't fall for it. He'll only do that long enough to reel you back in.

Also, anytime anyone talks about the future, i.e., getting engaged, so soon, it's a huge red flag. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, Malin889 said:

Also, anytime anyone talks about the future, i.e., getting engaged, so soon, it's a huge red flag. 

With a few rare exceptions, I agree with this.

Any time I've had the "big talk" so soon or hints about engagement rings, it's been pretty much "I'd better lock her down before I crack and she sees what she's committing to." (Sorry to put it that way.)

Again, there are exceptions. I've heard of people who got married after a couple of months of dating, to put things at their most surprising. But in general, if he can't wait...you need to wonder why.

[Malin889]

3 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Any time I've had the "big talk" so soon or hints about engagement rings, it's been pretty much "I'd better lock her down before I crack and she sees what she's committing to." (Sorry to put it that way.)

LOL. 

[kendahke]

19 hours ago, angelfire138 said:

especially when he's drunk.

19 hours ago, angelfire138 said:

Tonight, we were having a couple drinks

Does he drink a lot? Do you both drink a lot? Is he like this when he's not drinking?

He sounds to me like he's self medicating with the alcohol and that he's got more severe psychological issues than you appreciate or are prepared to handle. This is going to become a tsunami if you don't figure out a way to short circuit him when he starts amping himself up. The answer isn't you not watching shows you want to watch or dumping your best friend--perhaps the reason why he reacted the way he did about he is because she can see through him and he doesn't like that. 

He's not a healthy choice for you as long as he refuses to not seek psychological treatment for his issues. He needs a therapist more than he needs a girlfriend right now.

 

[Ami1uwant]

Having emotions or deep feelings come out after drinking is not Bipolar.

there are things there...yes...does he need counseling...yes.

many relationships have a problem with a best friend issue.

 

have you talked to him when sober about what he thinks love is?

 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

This is insane. 

He doesn't want to mary you, he wants to own you. This man has serious mental issues and there is nothing you can do to help him. Have you ever been in a healthy relationship? because if you had you would never accept this type of treatment from a boyfriend. 

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, wow I am liking ALL your posts!  I hope you will start posting more often. 

[miranda561]

On 6/5/2020 at 6:12 AM, angelfire138 said:

Hi all,

Been awhile since I posted! I'm having an issue that I'm hoping to get some input on.

I met a guy earlier this year, we hit it off. And then started dating before the pandemic hit. He asked me to be his girlfriend about a month in, and we started a relationship. I am 35 and he is 30.

Things were going just fine...except he's slowly showing he's very, very insecure. He had admitted it to me early on, but I thought, I used to suffer from crippling insecurities in the past, so we'll understand each other. I know he had a tough childhood where his parents abused and neglected him. I've also had parents who were never emotionally there for me, so I thought I could relate somewhat to what he was going through. He definitely struggles with a poor self-image.

Throughout the last couple months, he's been accusing me on and off of not loving him, even saying sometimes that I hate him, especially when he's drunk. I don't understand why, I've done nothing to make him believe that. 

Tonight, we were having a couple drinks and I thought everything was going just fine. We were talking about getting engaged and married. Then all of a sudden, he blew up at me and stormed out of my place. Saying how my best friend was a jerk and why would I hang out with someone like her (granted, she wasn't the nicest or most polite to him, because she's like that) and how I never stood up to her (I did, and that's why she stopped saying anything about the relationship). Then he accused me of wanting to leave him because he smoked once, even though he knew smoking is a dealbreaker for me, because I have asthma. I also never said I wanted to leave him, just let him know I wasn't happy that he smoked. Lastly, he started saying that I was watching a reality show to check out hot topless guys. And then he stormed off on me, saying he was going to stay with a friend for the night. Blowing up my phone about how he doesn't deserve love and he knew that nobody would ever love him. I could do nothing but sit there and try to console and reassure him.

I'm sitting here by myself now, utterly baffled as to what just happened. Im on the verge of breaking up with him, but a small part of me still wants to help him. And I do love him.

Has anyone ever dated someone so insecure? How did it work out? 

Thanks in advance! Let me know if there's anything I need to 

Personally i think  a month in being official is quite  soon as it is.

The way hes behaving and having tantrums at his ripe old age of 30 isnt normal. 

I wouldn't  stick around if i was you. Its one thing if it was years..but you dont even know each other that well.