Endnote Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 So I finally decided to give OLD a shot. I've been seeing this one girl that I like but honestly a lot of the feelings from my breakup have returned. This current girl and I went on a couple dates and then we hooked up on the third, we ended up hooking up again on the fourth (using protection, of course). It all happened organically, there wasn't any push by me or her, it just happened. She has some potential (yet also some red flags) but despite how long it's been since my breakup (almost 2 years), I've quickly realized that I'm in over my head. I'm still suffering from severe anxiety and some moderate depression. My trust in women has been completely eroded from my previous relationships and it's quickly being projected onto this current dating experience. In addition I've set up a date with another girl who has more that I like about her than this current girl, but ultimately all this has done has exasperated my anxiety and depression. Both of these women want kids and I'm still on the fence at 35. Considering all that's going on in the world I'm even further leaning towards never having kids. My biggest problem is that I just can't see myself getting into a relationship because the pain of my breakups/divorce is still there, and overcoming that has honestly been exhausting, and I've come to realize I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I don't want to hurt these women. I'm already on course to do so by hooking up with this girl. I'm just not sure how to go about it from here. Like I said, while I'm somewhat into this girl, I'm not into getting into an LTR (though that's what I thought I wanted by going into OLD) because I'm starting to see that I'm better off being single and staying away from women in general until I can figure myself out. Any advice? Do I just cut this off immediately? How do I do it with at least some semblence of integrity? Do I mull it over and see if I can maybe attempt to see if this can go anywhere? It's incredibly hard to be honest with this person because considering the circumstances I can tell she's into me and I like that but I'm just suffering trying to figure out what I want and only making matters worse for both of us.
Backinthesaddleagain Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 30 minutes ago, Endnote said: So I finally decided to give OLD a shot. I've been seeing this one girl that I like but honestly a lot of the feelings from my breakup have returned. This current girl and I went on a couple dates and then we hooked up on the third, we ended up hooking up again on the fourth (using protection, of course). It all happened organically, there wasn't any push by me or her, it just happened. She has some potential (yet also some red flags) but despite how long it's been since my breakup (almost 2 years), I've quickly realized that I'm in over my head. I'm still suffering from severe anxiety and some moderate depression. My trust in women has been completely eroded from my previous relationships and it's quickly being projected onto this current dating experience. In addition I've set up a date with another girl who has more that I like about her than this current girl, but ultimately all this has done has exasperated my anxiety and depression. Both of these women want kids and I'm still on the fence at 35. Considering all that's going on in the world I'm even further leaning towards never having kids. My biggest problem is that I just can't see myself getting into a relationship because the pain of my breakups/divorce is still there, and overcoming that has honestly been exhausting, and I've come to realize I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I don't want to hurt these women. I'm already on course to do so by hooking up with this girl. I'm just not sure how to go about it from here. Like I said, while I'm somewhat into this girl, I'm not into getting into an LTR (though that's what I thought I wanted by going into OLD) because I'm starting to see that I'm better off being single and staying away from women in general until I can figure myself out. Any advice? Do I just cut this off immediately? How do I do it with at least some semblence of integrity? Do I mull it over and see if I can maybe attempt to see if this can go anywhere? It's incredibly hard to be honest with this person because considering the circumstances I can tell she's into me and I like that but I'm just suffering trying to figure out what I want and only making matters worse for both of us. What you do is be honest with the new girl from the start about how you are feeling. Let her decide if you are worth the trouble. If not, she is free. If you are worth it, she will stick around while you figure it out- just don't gaslight and all that. That way all the cards are on the table and you are both playing the hand together. No one likes playing poker alone. 2
Emilie Jolie Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) It's a good job you've recognised that about yourself before getting in too deep. You saw each other 4 times. you hooked up a couple of times, it's hardly relationship territory. She may be disappointed but she should be able to handle it; 4 dates isn't a huge emotional investment. In any event, now you know how you feel, not sure there's any other way but to tell her/them straight up you're not in the right head space for a LTR, though she/they probably has a fair instinct it's not going anywhere since you're multidating - they both know that, right? Edited June 4, 2020 by Emilie Jolie
miranda561 Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 2 hours ago, Endnote said: So I finally decided to give OLD a shot. I've been seeing this one girl that I like but honestly a lot of the feelings from my breakup have returned. This current girl and I went on a couple dates and then we hooked up on the third, we ended up hooking up again on the fourth (using protection, of course). It all happened organically, there wasn't any push by me or her, it just happened. She has some potential (yet also some red flags) but despite how long it's been since my breakup (almost 2 years), I've quickly realized that I'm in over my head. I'm still suffering from severe anxiety and some moderate depression. My trust in women has been completely eroded from my previous relationships and it's quickly being projected onto this current dating experience. In addition I've set up a date with another girl who has more that I like about her than this current girl, but ultimately all this has done has exasperated my anxiety and depression. Both of these women want kids and I'm still on the fence at 35. Considering all that's going on in the world I'm even further leaning towards never having kids. My biggest problem is that I just can't see myself getting into a relationship because the pain of my breakups/divorce is still there, and overcoming that has honestly been exhausting, and I've come to realize I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I don't want to hurt these women. I'm already on course to do so by hooking up with this girl. I'm just not sure how to go about it from here. Like I said, while I'm somewhat into this girl, I'm not into getting into an LTR (though that's what I thought I wanted by going into OLD) because I'm starting to see that I'm better off being single and staying away from women in general until I can figure myself out. Any advice? Do I just cut this off immediately? How do I do it with at least some semblence of integrity? Do I mull it over and see if I can maybe attempt to see if this can go anywhere? It's incredibly hard to be honest with this person because considering the circumstances I can tell she's into me and I like that but I'm just suffering trying to figure out what I want and only making matters worse for both of us. I would say try to be content on your own for now. As you don't want to continue in any kind of situations which will further exasperate your depression/ anxiety. Tell both of them you need to be single and on your own for a while. You dont need to go into detail..but if you want to explain that's down to you 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 You don't have to date ... period ... let yourself heal ... really the way you describe your lingering hurt and pain, this isn't a choice. In other words, if you push forward, you'll mess up the relationships anyway because you aren't healed. Work on healing and letting go past pain. Can you say more about what happened in those "bad" previous relationships? Everyone feels bad when they get dumped, but I can't tell if you were dumped unexpectedly or betrayed in some deeper way that left a deep wound. 2
Miss Spider Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) First of all, I hope you are getting help for your depression. That includes keeping human contact (though that is more difficult during theses times) and getting out in the sun. As for this particularly lady, try to be honest with her about how you are feeling. Honesty is truly the best policy. For upcoming dates, be honest and say "I'm not sure I'm ready for anything serious yet, but I'm open to it" I think that as long as it's not hurting you, you should continue to date and meet new people if you'd like. It actually may hasten moving on for you. Maybe it wouldn't have lasted 2 years if you had. You will probably have moments in there of what you're feeling discouraged because your feelings aren't going how you would expect. Keep truckin'. Also...if you are dating women who want kids or seriousship off the bat, it adds pressure. Date women who want the same as you as you. Just date, have fun, see where it goes. Edited June 4, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
OnlyHonesty Posted June 5, 2020 Posted June 5, 2020 You said the sex happened organically, but I really don't see the rush. With a bit of self control, people can just wait until they know each other a little better. The reason why you are worried is because you had sex, and she will think you are ghosting her after the act. I don't care what anyone says, there is no such thing as casual sex, when it has the potential of creating new life. 1
Author Endnote Posted June 5, 2020 Author Posted June 5, 2020 I appreciate all the input. The dating scene is not for me, I honestly thought I should at least give it a shot. But I broke things off with the girl I hooked up with and told the girl I scheduled a date with that I'm not interested in dating right now. The hookup girl and I had a discussion about dating since we met online and she made it clear that because of OLD it wouldn't surprise her if I dated other people. 6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: You don't have to date ... period ... let yourself heal ... really the way you describe your lingering hurt and pain, this isn't a choice. In other words, if you push forward, you'll mess up the relationships anyway because you aren't healed. Work on healing and letting go past pain. Can you say more about what happened in those "bad" previous relationships? Everyone feels bad when they get dumped, but I can't tell if you were dumped unexpectedly or betrayed in some deeper way that left a deep wound. This definitely spoke to me. I honestly should just concentrate on healing, and like you said I don't really have a choice. Maybe there will be a time when I can date again without feeling like I did these past few weeks. You can look up my past story here: Long story short my ex-gf of 7 years left somewhat abruptly and didn't give me much to go off of. In retrospect I'm going to assume she wasn't happy and met someone else, or just left because she wasn't happy. My relationship with her came off the end of an emotionally bitter divorce that ended with my ex-wife's untimely death due to an issue unrelated to our relationship that I discuss in the thread at some point. Honestly my relationship with my recent ex was incredibly fulfilling and while I'm definitely angry with how she ended things, I've struggled to let that relationship go because I put a lot of energy and genuine love into it, and gave her more than maybe I should have ever given anyone. But in the past few months I wanted to make a more calculated attempt at moving on. Boy was that a mistake. 3 hours ago, OnlyHonesty said: You said the sex happened organically, but I really don't see the rush. With a bit of self control, people can just wait until they know each other a little better. The reason why you are worried is because you had sex, and she will think you are ghosting her after the act. I don't care what anyone says, there is no such thing as casual sex, when it has the potential of creating new life. You're absolutely right. It was foolish of me to allow us to have sex without really getting to know each other, and more importantly without me considering how my past is still affecting me, and overall just the consequences of having sex altogether. My ego is definitely involved in this, and while it's not my intention to hurt her by cutting this off, I think I was more worried that this was going to hurt her because I sure wouldn't appreciate someone doing this to me. But it's best that I cut this off now than let it fester and just make things worse. I appreciate your input OnlyHonesty. The girl did say she appreciated my honesty, but that hasn't quelled much of my guilt yet, I'll get over it in a week or so hopefully. I guess I'll finish by saying these girls didn't necessarily start pushing kids from the first conversation, it just came up as we talked. In the distant future, I'm going to do a vast assessment about what I really want when dating and hopefully won't make these mistakes again. Thanks for everything everyone had to say.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 5, 2020 Posted June 5, 2020 Hmmm ... thanks for the additional info, OP. You you needed a lot more info about why your ex left. Reading between the lines here, it seems you went into a silent and helpless mode once your ex pulled away. But you owe it to yourself to get her perspective. Otherwise, I can see why you are having trouble trusting. You really were happy in the relationship, and then she suddenly leaves ... and you have absolutely no idea why (I actually think you do, but more on that below). That lack of knowledge is like a gaping wound ... that leaves you in fear ... You need to go back through that relationship and figure out what the heck happened. You knew this woman for seven years. Dude, then you have within you the reasons why she left. You also have within you (apparently blocked from memory) signs of her dissatisfaction before she announced she was leaving. I'll go further: most likely there were little moments before the breakup when you felt something odd in the relationship, felt her suddenly being cold and uncommunicative ... or like quiet and not all that happy after sex, for example. You've got to be able to create a convincing narrative about why this happened ... and I don't mean tell a story in a blame sense. You need a narrative of what happened in order to have some power and security about going forward. Right now, yeah, dating is totally frightening because the breakup in your mind is completely random, without any notice, any basis, any hints, any real disagreements or differences. Dude, every relationship has cracks and disagreements and differences ... EVERY relationship. It's just that in the better relationships, couple work around those problems. Question: what were some of the cracks, disagreements and differences between you and your ex? EVERY relationship has them.
scooby-philly Posted June 6, 2020 Posted June 6, 2020 18 hours ago, Endnote said: I appreciate all the input. The dating scene is not for me, I honestly thought I should at least give it a shot. But I broke things off with the girl I hooked up with and told the girl I scheduled a date with that I'm not interested in dating right now. The hookup girl and I had a discussion about dating since we met online and she made it clear that because of OLD it wouldn't surprise her if I dated other people. This definitely spoke to me. I honestly should just concentrate on healing, and like you said I don't really have a choice. Maybe there will be a time when I can date again without feeling like I did these past few weeks. You can look up my past story here: Long story short my ex-gf of 7 years left somewhat abruptly and didn't give me much to go off of. In retrospect I'm going to assume she wasn't happy and met someone else, or just left because she wasn't happy. My relationship with her came off the end of an emotionally bitter divorce that ended with my ex-wife's untimely death due to an issue unrelated to our relationship that I discuss in the thread at some point. Honestly my relationship with my recent ex was incredibly fulfilling and while I'm definitely angry with how she ended things, I've struggled to let that relationship go because I put a lot of energy and genuine love into it, and gave her more than maybe I should have ever given anyone. But in the past few months I wanted to make a more calculated attempt at moving on. Boy was that a mistake. You're absolutely right. It was foolish of me to allow us to have sex without really getting to know each other, and more importantly without me considering how my past is still affecting me, and overall just the consequences of having sex altogether. My ego is definitely involved in this, and while it's not my intention to hurt her by cutting this off, I think I was more worried that this was going to hurt her because I sure wouldn't appreciate someone doing this to me. But it's best that I cut this off now than let it fester and just make things worse. I appreciate your input OnlyHonesty. The girl did say she appreciated my honesty, but that hasn't quelled much of my guilt yet, I'll get over it in a week or so hopefully. I guess I'll finish by saying these girls didn't necessarily start pushing kids from the first conversation, it just came up as we talked. In the distant future, I'm going to do a vast assessment about what I really want when dating and hopefully won't make these mistakes again. Thanks for everything everyone had to say. There are plenty of women who do not want kids or will be fine with a happy, loving, prosperous marriage even if it means marrying someone who does not one them. Just be clear and honest with them up front and ask them to do the same (not saying on the first date, lol) (or even on the 4th). But obviously don't go to 4, 6 months and not at least bring it up, unless you meet people via a site or app that lets you select your (and maybe partner's) preferences on children. Just be mindful - if you date a woman 28-38 they may "say" they do not want kids if they get the sense that you don't - if they don't have standards for themselves. That's why being upfront and honest yourself will be important. From what you shared, I think maybe going back to work on your anxiety for a bit and also get comfortable and accept who you are and what you want. There's no shame in not wanting kids. Plenty of men and women today don't want them. It speaks more about your character if you own up to it then lying or sitting on the fence would. And it's okay to have fears about getting hurt again. That's natural. But since it's been 2 years since your last relationship you may want to get some professional therapy to help you really get to the bottom of your fears and anxiety and find healthy ways to reduce, and eventually "control" them. And there's absolutely no shame in therapy. And there's no shame in taking time to work on yourself. More people should! Just hang in there. Last bit of advice - don't put pressure on yourself either. There's nothing wrong with sex outside of a "normal" relationship if both parties are honest and also consenting. Now I'm not saying take risks or use sex as a filler for an emotional void. Just realize that a lot of people are okay with being friends, being friends with benefits, as they work on themselves or as they recover from certain things in life. Just let things happen naturally.
Phallacy Posted July 6, 2020 Posted July 6, 2020 Ya know, I always chuckle when folks say they’re living La Vida Loca and dating. Then someone gets hurt. You just don’t know who to trust and you become very guarded, waiting for the shoe to drop so to speak. I’ve learned that mutual interest is very hard to find and not to become too invested too soon, sex or not. I used think sex meant something but seriously, after 3 dates you sure as hell don’t know the person. I’m also sensitive to what I call the ‘size me up’ game. Ya know, questions about your job, home ownership and education. Sadly, all these feelings you have? The odds are very strong you’ll face them over and over again the more you play this dating roulette game. Remember, at the Hotel California, you can check out any time you like but you can never leave...
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