SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 17 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: First issue is that he is homeless. I don't care. My whole life I've dated guys with homes. I have never been impressed by a single one of them. The only problem with that is that we really don't have very many places to go. You don't seem to understand homelessness. There IS one upside to it... you can GO anywhere! Are you trying to say you don't have many places to bang? Or that there aren't many places you and he can afford to go ?? (Covid doesn't stop the homeless from having a regular routine) What're they gonna do? - stay home? 1 1
stillafool Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 1 hour ago, preraph said: You are young and gorgeous and smart. I agree Cookie. You don't have to settle for this. Give it time and you will meet the right man. 1 1
poppyfields Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) I hope I don't offend anyone but I think what many folks are failing to understand is that when a person, such as cookies, and myself at certain points in my life, are unable to feel emotions for another person, when they do meet that person that elicits these feelings/emotions in us, they want to cling to that person for dear life. As in their minds (and hearts) who knows when and IF they will ever again feel such feelings/emotions again. THAT is the mindset. It doesn’t a matter a hill of beans how gorgeous, successful, bright the person is, the overriding factor here, above anything else like having a home, job, money etc. is the ability to FEEL. Do any of you know what it's like to not be able to feel anything? Cookies has posted in the past, she has never felt such emotions for a man, that the general emotion she feels towards men she dates is “meh.” In other words NOTHING. Going through the motions, to have someone to enjoy a night out with, to spend time, but again not really feeling anything. I can relate to that because many years ago, I suffered from depression as cookies posted in a prior thread I read from awhile back, she has too. So here comes this man, with a brilliant mind, with whom she’s able to converse about things that are important to her, and also and more importantly who elicits feelings and emotions in her she has never felt before. Do you know how powerful that is? Of course logically, being he is homeless, has mental issues, no job, and a drinking problem suggests this will not work out long term. But @ cookies, this might be a good experience for you regardless for the mere fact you actually feel something for this man for the first time in your life, which everyone should experience at least once. And also might trigger emotions you have been suppressing that until now, has not allowed you to feel. It doesn’t mean you have to marry the guy or even envision a LTR. But why not hang out a few times, and just allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and take it from there? Who knows, you may even be able to help the guy somehow, love does have the power to change people. I would not expect that to happen, keep the expectations in check and just enjoy the connection. My $.02 FWIW. Edited June 4, 2020 by poppyfields 3 3
Fox Sake Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I hope I don't offend anyone but I think what many folks are failing to understand is that when a person, at certain points inlife, are unable to feel emotions for another person, when they do meet that person that elicits these feelings/emotions in us, they want to cling to that person for dear life. I understand. I’m guilty of it too. Because it’s so rare to feel like that. But chances are, we are all just meeting people that fall way below our standards , psychologically, and chemically. And when we do meet anyone/relic/unicorn with even an ounce of the qualities we look for , we get excited. Can jump the gun at times. Well, that’s what I’ve done in the past. But very well said poppy Edited June 4, 2020 by Fox Sake 1 2
miranda561 Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 18 hours ago, nittygritty said: He doesn’t like to go too long without drinking? So he is an alcoholic, that is homeless and he also has other mental health issues. I think you can do better and deserve better. Stop looking down on people. Anyone could end up where he is right now. 1
BaileyB Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 You lost me at drinking problem and borderline personality disorder... which probably explains the divorce and the homelessness. I’m sorry, I’m sure he is struggling with life. But surely you can’t be serious about an al hooligans who has a mental illness. 1 2
miranda561 Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 17 hours ago, Vitaminka said: No advice to give, but sure you can do better! You deserve better! A homeless guy with a drinking problem and with a mental health issue? On top of that he may or may not like you. Yakes. Will you be able to handle all that long term? Should you handle all that long term? Even if you are looking for a casual thing, YOU SURE DESERVE BETTER! Why don't you think so? Not judging you at all, but are you that desperate and willing to take whatever comes your way? Sure you can find a connection with somebody who is better or at least with someone will less issues sooner or later. Perhaps you need to see a psychologist to find out why you don't value yourself enough. Perhaps a psychologist will help you realize that you need to set your standards higher. In my opinion it's better to be alone than to date just about anybody. You guys are so judgemental and sad. She likes the guy. That doesn't mean she has psychological issues. Maybe she can see beyond the shallow and superficial..and actually appreciate someone as a person. 1 1
BaileyB Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 3 minutes ago, miranda561 said: Stop looking down on people. It’s not about looking down on someone who has fallen on hard times. Based on what has been shared, he has two very serious issues here - neither of which are easily treated and both tend to contribute to very unhealthy relationship and life circumstances. That’s just the reality of the situation. 1 2
Fox Sake Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 1 minute ago, miranda561 said: You guys are so judgemental and sad. She likes the guy. That doesn't mean she has psychological issues. Maybe she can see beyond the shallow and superficial..and actually appreciate someone as a person. She might like him, but whether that’s a healthy situation to encourage her into is another story. I don’t think it is, given all the information. I do agree with you tho, to say cookies needs a shrink is out of order. I believe that she has the power the find that out the answers all on her own. I think some comments have maybe misjudged her character 2 1
miranda561 Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 1 minute ago, Fox Sake said: She might like him, but whether that’s a healthy situation to encourage her into is another story. I don’t think it is, given all the information. I do agree with you tho, to say cookies needs a shrink is out of order. I believe that she has the power the find that out the answers all on her own. I think some comments have maybe misjudged her character It seems to be the default of some posters on here. A woman/man likes someone who happens to be having a hard time in life or be going through issues...and suddenly they need to see a shrink. Its beyond ridiculous 1
Fox Sake Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 Just now, miranda561 said: It seems to be the default of some posters on here. A woman/man likes someone who happens to be having a hard time in life or be going through issues...and suddenly they need to see a shrink. Its beyond ridiculous Agreed. Who needs a shrink when you can just have a very honest conversation with yourself , from an “outside the box” perspective?! You really can find out a lot about yourself, and if you’re any good at it, you can pinpoint where these things started and tackle them with some big boy pants on or at least understand why you have certain behaviour patterns A lot of them coming from school bullying or things your parents did 1 1
Ellener Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 What do you mean 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: when a person, such as cookies, and myself at certain points in my life, are unable to feel emotions for another person, Sorry, didn't understand. 1
Timshel Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 12 hours ago, DarrenB said: I know for a fact you're a kind-hearted and good woman so it would be a discredit to you if you were to be made a mockery in any way in this situation. A poster who knows Cookiesandough in real life. DarrenB, you must be a close friend or family member and hopefully your advice will sink in. 1. Homeless 2. Alcoholic 3. Borderline Personality Disorder Trifecta 1 1
Fox Sake Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 4 minutes ago, Ellener said: What do you mean Sorry, didn't understand. It’s about having incredibly high standards for yourself and never feeling a real connection with many people. It sucks. But it’s also great 1
miranda561 Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Fox Sake said: It’s about having incredibly high standards for yourself and never feeling a real connection with many people. It sucks. But it’s also great Unfortunately this describes me as well!. Which is why im probably more understanding of the situation than many here Edited June 4, 2020 by miranda561 2
Ellener Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Fox Sake said: It’s about having incredibly high standards for yourself and never feeling a real connection with many people. It sucks. But it’s also great Thanks. Still don't really understand though, you mean can only have a relationship with people you have strong feelings for? 1
Weezy1973 Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 Chasing feelings isn’t the answer. It never is. Feelings are fleeting. They come and go. Stick to your core values. Your actions matter far more than your feelings and let your values direct your actions. Often it means acting in ways you don’t feel like. Eating an apple when you crave a chocolate bar. Studying when you feel like partying. Exercising when you feel like watching Netflix. And staying out of romantic relationships with dysfunctional people even when you feel drawn to them. 1 1
Fox Sake Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 8 minutes ago, Ellener said: Thanks. Still don't really understand though, you mean can only have a relationship with people you have strong feelings for? I guess, if you want to put it simply. It’s more than that tho... finding anyone you’re even remotely interested in, in the first place is most of the time impossible. Doesn’t matter how many people throw themselves at you or how attractive they are. They’ve got to be right on a level that’s deeper than just attraction. It’s almost like an animal instinct. I’m not really sure how to explain it to you without sounding like I’m nuts.... I sometimes class it as flaw, but then look around me at all the unhappy and incompatible people that just settled , and it reminds me I’ll be okay. The right person is out there 1 1
basil67 Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 48 minutes ago, miranda561 said: Maybe she can see beyond the shallow and superficial..and actually appreciate someone as a person. She can see beyond the shallow and superficial. And many others would be able to as well. However this doesn't mean that in his current state he is able to be a good partner. 2 1
chillii Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 30 minutes ago, miranda561 said: Unfortunately this describes me as well!. Which is why im probably more understanding of the situation than many here Of l've been there, after 21yrs of marriage. The thing is bpd people have incredible power in drawing you in , and feeling the way she does that won't take very long , that's the problem. But then they will totally dismantle a person. l mean l feel for the guy and he's surviving the only way he can for now , but that pales beside the bpd and damage that can do to a partner . Edited June 4, 2020 by chillii 1 1
Ellener Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Fox Sake said: It’s almost like an animal instinct. I’m not really sure how to explain it to you without sounding like I’m nuts.... It doesn't sound nuts! 2
Author Miss Spider Posted June 4, 2020 Author Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: I hope I don't offend anyone but I think what many folks are failing to understand is that when a person, such as cookies, and myself at certain points in my life, are unable to feel emotions for another person, when they do meet that person that elicits these feelings/emotions in us, they want to cling to that person for dear life. As in their minds (and hearts) who knows when and IF they will ever again feel such feelings/emotions again. THAT is the mindset. It doesn’t a matter a hill of beans how gorgeous, successful, bright the person is, the overriding factor here, above anything else like having a home, job, money etc. is the ability to FEEL. Do any of you know what it's like to not be able to feel anything? Cookies has posted in the past, she has never felt such emotions for a man, that the general emotion she feels towards men she dates is “meh.” In other words NOTHING. Going through the motions, to have someone to enjoy a night out with, to spend time, but again not really feeling anything. I can relate to that because many years ago, I suffered from depression as cookies posted in a prior thread I read from awhile back, she has too. So here comes this man, with a brilliant mind, with whom she’s able to converse about things that are important to her, and also and more importantly who elicits feelings and emotions in her she has never felt before. Do you know how powerful that is? Of course logically, being he is homeless, has mental issues, no job, and a drinking problem suggests this will not work out long term. But @ cookies, this might be a good experience for you regardless for the mere fact you actually feel something for this man for the first time in your life, which everyone should experience at least once. And also might trigger emotions you have been suppressing that until now, has not allowed you to feel. It doesn’t mean you have to marry the guy or even envision a LTR. But why not hang out a few times, and just allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and take it from there? Who knows, you may even be able to help the guy somehow, love does have the power to change people. I would not expect that to happen, keep the expectations in check and just enjoy the connection. My $.02 FWIW. Thank you, guys!!! For the sweet words about me but also just to say that you understand the feeling...it means a lot so many can empathize with the feeling. I have cut it off with this person romantically. Normally, I might have been inclined to see where it goes, but in light of knowing he has BPD and other mental health issues,, I feel like continuing to see him could become too messy and possibly dangerous. It has become messy even in times where person was quite stable. I do not want to mislead or cause any hurt feelings. So I feel like this is the best course of action. As much as I would like to help him, it is just too much for me to take on after reading this thread and thinking on it. I have another date on Saturday. wISH me luck! Th Edited June 4, 2020 by Cookiesandough 7
poppyfields Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 19 minutes ago, basil67 said: She can see beyond the shallow and superficial. And many others would be able to as well. However this doesn't mean that in his current state he is able to be a good partner. I posted this and agree but forget having a relationship, why not simply enjoy the connection? As I said, when you've never felt it and often questioned if you're even capable of feeling it (for me it was depression, feeling numb, like I may as well be dead), it is such a powerful feeling. Like hey I'm alive!! I'm being serious. Hell, even feeling emotional pain is better than feeling numb. Edited June 4, 2020 by poppyfields 1 1
Ellener Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 27 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: in light of knowing he has BPD and other mental health issues, I feel like continuing to see him could become too messy and possibly dangerous. Everyone has issues, especially mental health issues, it all depends whether the person is dealing and coping with them. A personality disorder is different in that it has been 'diagnosed as one' because of a persistent set of traits which are resistant to treatment or change, basically a personality disorder takes over a person's whole life. Edited June 4, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 1
FMW Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 I've absolutely been there, wondering if I was even capable of really feeling. My first posts here on this forum were about that - and the messy situation I got into because of running with that feeling when it came along. It's really not that unusual since several of us have been there. And having made a bad decision based on that feeling, I fully support Cookies in how she's now resolved to handle it. Good luck on your date with a new guy! 1
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