Will I make him uncomfortable if I ask him out?

[Starrynights]

My co-worker whom I'll call David works in another department. We've seen each other around but we're not really familiar with one another. I put in my 2 weeks notice at work, I'm taking some time off and then i'm starting a new job. 

So, bear in mind, we know each other but not very closely. When my supervisor sends me to his department, we'll talk for a moment here and there but we haven't had any long conversations or anything. We basically just know each others name and faces and I'm obviously very attracted to his face. 

His social media is only for professional purposes, he only puts up his artwork on Instagram and nothing else. No selfies, no siblings, no dates, nothing shows on there so it's very hard to tell whether he's even taken. I asked a few coworkers and they're not sure either, they think he may have been talking to someone before but they don't know if it went anywhere.

Will I make him uncomfortable if I ask him out? And, i'm wondering whether I should do it AFTER I leave the job in case it's awkward? Any tips on how I should do it??

It's been a while since I dated. My boyfriend and I broke up last summer, I took a little break to stay single, and then COVID happened which is making dating very difficult so I feel unnaturally nervous and excited about this. 

 

[Fox Sake]

18 minutes ago, Starrynights said:

My co-worker whom I'll call David works in another department. We've seen each other around but we're not really familiar with one another. I put in my 2 weeks notice at work, I'm taking some time off and then i'm starting a new job. 

So, bear in mind, we know each other but not very closely. When my supervisor sends me to his department, we'll talk for a moment here and there but we haven't had any long conversations or anything. We basically just know each others name and faces and I'm obviously very attracted to his face. 

His social media is only for professional purposes, he only puts up his artwork on Instagram and nothing else. No selfies, no siblings, no dates, nothing shows on there so it's very hard to tell whether he's even taken. I asked a few coworkers and they're not sure either, they think he may have been talking to someone before but they don't know if it went anywhere.

Will I make him uncomfortable if I ask him out? And, i'm wondering whether I should do it AFTER I leave the job in case it's awkward? Any tips on how I should do it??

It's been a while since I dated. My boyfriend and I broke up last summer, I took a little break to stay single, and then COVID happened which is making dating very difficult so I feel unnaturally nervous and excited about this. 

In the great words of Dr Pepper- What’s the worst that can happen?!
 

1. David says no . You don’t see him again. You start a new job and meet new people and live happily ever after. 
 

2. David says yes and you live happily ever after.

And to answer you’re question I doubt that would make him uncomfortable unless you were sitting on him while you asked. . Don’t recommend that. 
 

Don’t give it too much thought! You got this

Edited June 4, 2020 by Fox Sake
Add a bit

[Starrynights]

I guess maaaaaybe I should've added more to the question. Do you think I'll look desperate?  

Because I'm not used to asking guys out and I've been told by many people that it looks desperate when women ask out men.....

Also, should I wait until I'm no longer working there to be safe? 

[Fox Sake]

10 minutes ago, Starrynights said:

I guess maaaaaybe I should've added more to the question. Do you think I'll look desperate?  

Because I'm not used to asking guys out and I've been told by many people that it looks desperate when women ask out men.....

Also, should I wait until I'm no longer working there to be safe? 

You’re already giving it too much thought!
No it doesn’t look desperate , get in there,  and if it doesn’t go to plan then everyone here, will be there to help you pick up the pieces haha!  

seriously tho, just do it. You never know ! 
 

And to be safe? Unless You guys work in a prison and he’s detained , I think you’ll be okay in the work place, it’s only a few weeks!

Edited June 4, 2020 by Fox Sake
High...

[preraph]

I don't know about your area but covid-19 is still at its peak in my area so people shouldn't be dating. 

 

But yeah I would wait until after you're not working together. If you wanted to you could ask him for his phone number  right before you leave. That would act as a barometer for whether he will be interested or not. If he makes an excuse or just doesn't give it to you, that would be a no. Have you made sure he's not already coupled up?

[Fox Sake]

13 minutes ago, preraph said:

I don't know about your area but covid-19 is still at its peak in my area so people shouldn't be dating. 

 

But yeah I would wait until after you're not working together. If you wanted to you could ask him for his phone number  right before you leave. That would act as a barometer for whether he will be interested or not. If he makes an excuse or just doesn't give it to you, that would be a no. Have you made sure he's not already coupled up?

I think you always give great advice.
But I dont think it’s best to make her over think it.

She can’t find out if he has a gf, no one knows. 
I really don’t see how hard it is to ask someone if they’re seeing anyone , and that you’re leaving work in a few weeks If they want to catch up after? Communication is the key...and if he says no , then strength comes from humility. 

 

If you want to save face tho and air on the side of caution, which is perfectly fine too,  i would follow @preraph‘s advice.

Edited June 4, 2020 by Fox Sake

[preraph]

I just hate for them to go out and get drunk and sleep together and then her find out he's married or something. 

[Fox Sake]

17 minutes ago, preraph said:

I just hate for them to go out and get drunk and sleep together and then her find out he's married or something. 

Yeah I can totally get where you’re coming from there.  It’s always a possibility depending on the people involved!

 

If he says he’s got someone, you can say that’s a shame and you wanted so set him up with a cute friend of yours. Exit one. 

If he’s interested or single, you can make him wait, til your job is over and it’s safer.  He will respect you more 

 

@preraph I understand we all deal with things from different angles,  and i totally respect the way you look at things. You’re always looking out for people  

 

Edited June 4, 2020 by Fox Sake

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 hours ago, Starrynights said:

I guess maaaaaybe I should've added more to the question. Do you think I'll look desperate?  

Because I'm not used to asking guys out and I've been told by many people that it looks desperate when women ask out men.....

Also, should I wait until I'm no longer working there to be safe? 

I would say something like, "Hey, I just gave my notice but you always seemed so cool. I'd hate to lose touch. After I get all settled into my new job, want to reconnect and get coffee?"

[snowboy91]

2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I would say something like, "Hey, I just gave my notice but you always seemed so cool. I'd hate to lose touch. After I get all settled into my new job, want to reconnect and get coffee?"

I like this. OP keep in mind you don't know much about this guy, so it's a chance for you to get to know him better.

 

8 hours ago, Starrynights said:

I guess maaaaaybe I should've added more to the question. Do you think I'll look desperate?  

Because I'm not used to asking guys out and I've been told by many people that it looks desperate when women ask out men.....

No it doesn't make you look desperate. It makes you look interested. It would look desperate if you kept pursuing after being rejected 5 times already - to me, that applies whether it's the man or the woman being that persistent.

[manfrombelow]

1. I'd personally always recommend AGAINST workplace romance. If you want me to elaborate, feel free to leave me a question.

2. Unlike women, men are RARELY, even almost never, asked out by the opposite sex. So if you ask him out, he will perhaps feel validated, surprised, happy, even astonished, but "uncomfortable"? No way, unless he's gay.

Edited June 4, 2020 by manfrombelow

[stillafool]

Yeah, I usually don't advise women to do this but because you're leaving anyway go ahead and ask him out.  If he rejects you at least you will never see him again.  I would just say "Do you have a gf or SO?  If he says no then, "Would you like to get together sometime?"  If he says he has a gf/SO then say "She's a lucky girl", smile and continue talking or say goodbye.

[d0nnivain]

If you already have an exit plan from work, you can instigate something.  Then even if he feels awkward, it won't matter.  

[poppyfields]

This is what I would do.

Rather than asking him out directly, on your last day, while saying goodbye, hand him your card with your mobile no. on it, followed by "call me," with a smile. 

Then walk away.

It will give him pause and cause him to wonder and perhaps become intrigued. 

I've done it that way, and a week later  guy called and we dated for a bit. 

He told me he was intrigued after I did that, not saying your guy will be but worth a shot.

It reflects your interest, but puts the ball in his court so no awkwardness or chance of causing him discomfort.

[stillafool]

I like that idea Poppy!

[princessaurora]

21 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I would say something like, "Hey, I just gave my notice but you always seemed so cool. I'd hate to lose touch. After I get all settled into my new job, want to reconnect and get coffee?"

I agree with CaliforniaGirl , but wait till it's almost your last day and tell him you'd like to hang out with him soon, Then if ya'll meet up, just make sure to find out his relationship status pretty early on in the conversation so you're not trying to hook up with a married man. If it turns out he is involved with someone, you can just keep it friendly and lighthearted. Good luck:)

[Starrynights]

Such great, supportive answers from everyone, thank you so much! So, this is what happened:

1. I asked for his number through Instagram claiming I was interested in one of his art pieces. I actually DO love his art so I wasn't technically lying when I engaged him on this. 

2. After we talked for a few hours, I asked him if he wanted to grab a drink and hit up this art show downtown, near his city, and he seemed pretty interested in doing that. In fact, he came off kind of eager and happy about it. The tone of his text messages completely changed.

The problem I'm having now is consistency. He isn't really consistent in his messages at all, I'm the one who's initiating the conversations, and he hasn't really set anything up. There is an upcoming art show next Thursday June 18 and I KNOW he's aware of it because he posted a flyer on his social media. So, I feel like I've just been stupidly waiting around for some sort of signal or something. 

Do you think he's waiting FOR ME to set it up?

[Miss Spider]

I say nope ... Ask away. Lately; I’ve asked some guys out. Like a guy  will message me on facebook, we will start talking, and I will ask if they want to hang sometime. Most people are kind of lonely during these times and I actually love meeting new and interesting seeming people, so If there’s a connection that leads to more  or not, it works out. 

Is the art show you asked him to attend with you on June 18th? That’s a ways away, so maybe the plans will be more set in stone as is it approaches. When the date comes, maybe hit him up one last time if he would still like to go. The only issue I see with your guy is that if you ask him to hang out, I think he should be taking some initiative too. I think if he’s interested in making the connection, you shouldn’t have to nudge him and he will meet you half way (if not more) good luck! 
 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Keep some perspective here: the goal of asking him out, to my mind, is that you don't wake up 5 years from now and think, "I should have asked him out." The goal is not to fall madly in love ... The goal is to act on an attraction feeling you have.

I don't know how I used to do this in the old days (wasn't via social media back then) but I would always find out if someone I didn't much know was single before I asked them out. But you could have asked this guy to coffee at work ... or lunch ... and the meeting wouldn't necessarily be a date. It's OK to go to lunches with coworkers. Did you consider that? Can you ask for that now? Based on the lunch, you see if there's enough interest to want to go further. 

BTW: how old are you? It seems there's like a meme going around ... of young people worrying about "looking desperate." This worry makes absolutely no sense. All asking one person out means is that something about this one person caught your interest. Has nothing to do with being desperate ... Sorta like thinking that talking to one person in the hallway at work (longer than you'd talk to someone else) means you're desperate. Ask out 20 guys at work--OK, that will get people talking. But asking out one guy ... someone needs to destroy this worry about "desperate." 

I'm a guy. If someone approaches me, that means they like me enough to approach, maybe they're curious about me. Period! Nothing more. My response depends on how interested and curious I am in them. This is no different than friendship ... which requires that at some point one person take a big step and say, "do you want to hang out?" Doesn't mean that person is desperate for friends. Means that person wants to explore whether we could be friends. 

Edited June 8, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Miss Spider]

^ I used to be scared of “looking desperate”. Now I just lean into that sht. It feels good. Sometimes I am desperate to make that connect with someone. Particularly when someone seems really cool. So I just lean in and tell them so and accept what may be. Paradoxically, trying not to look desperate can actually make you look more desperate. Because you expending so much energy into being fake and planning how to say the perfect words etc etc . Just ask them if they want to hang out 

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Keep some perspective here: the goal of asking him out, to my mind, is that you don't wake up 5 years from now and think, "I should have asked him out." The goal is not to fall madly in love ... The goal is to act on an attraction feeling you have.

I don't know how I used to do this in the old days (wasn't via social media back then) but I would always find out if someone I didn't much know was single before I asked them out. But you could have asked this guy to coffee at work ... or lunch ... and the meeting wouldn't necessarily be a date. It's OK to go to lunches with coworkers. Did you consider that? Can you ask for that now? Based on the lunch, you see if there's enough interest to want to go further. 

BTW: how old are you? It seems there's like a meme going around ... of young people worrying about "looking desperate." This worry makes absolutely no sense. All asking one person out means is that something about this one person caught your interest. Has nothing to do with being desperate ... Sorta like thinking that talking to one person in the hallway at work (longer than you'd talk to someone else) means you're desperate. Ask out 20 guys at work--OK, that will get people talking. But asking out one guy ... someone needs to destroy this worry about "desperate." 

I'm a guy. If someone approaches me, that means they like me enough to approach, maybe they're curious about me. Period! Nothing more. My response depends on how interested and curious I am in them. This is no different than friendship ... which requires that at some point one person take a big step and say, "do you want to hang out?" Doesn't mean that person is desperate for friends. Means that person wants to explore whether we could be friends. 

 

Edited June 8, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Starrynights said:

I asked him if he wanted to grab a drink and hit up this art show downtown, near his city, and he seemed pretty interested in doing that.    <snip>

Do you think he's waiting FOR ME to set it up?

Yes.  You suggested the date, so you plan the date.  

edit to add: Asking someone on a date is assertive.   Begging them to stay when they've dumped you is desperate.

Edited June 8, 2020 by basil67

[Versacehottie]

4 hours ago, Starrynights said:

Such great, supportive answers from everyone, thank you so much! So, this is what happened:

1. I asked for his number through Instagram claiming I was interested in one of his art pieces. I actually DO love his art so I wasn't technically lying when I engaged him on this. 

2. After we talked for a few hours, I asked him if he wanted to grab a drink and hit up this art show downtown, near his city, and he seemed pretty interested in doing that. In fact, he came off kind of eager and happy about it. The tone of his text messages completely changed.

The problem I'm having now is consistency. He isn't really consistent in his messages at all, I'm the one who's initiating the conversations, and he hasn't really set anything up. There is an upcoming art show next Thursday June 18 and I KNOW he's aware of it because he posted a flyer on his social media. So, I feel like I've just been stupidly waiting around for some sort of signal or something. 

Do you think he's waiting FOR ME to set it up?

Oh good you are moving things along!  Ok, well here's the thing, you know your intention is to go on a date with him and are attracted to him but he doesn't necessarily know that.  So in other words you are the one with a clearer goal.  Also you mentioned getting together so it's your excursion to plan IMO.

He may be interested and intrigued and also attracted.  But while you've given it thought, he might just be wrapping his head around the idea (nothing to do with you necessarily but you don't know his dating situation and sometimes it's not as simple as if he is dating someone else but does he want to date). 

I wouldn't worry about the consistency just yet. His mind as guys often do is probably half confused as to why you want to hang out and his communication haphazard because of that as well as not handling it as "dating" just yet.  It's a friendship that could evolve to that.  You have a timetable but he's more easy breezy about it.  

So yes set it up. Just be fun about it.  Don't take it personally if he can't go for the day you have in mind.  And be flirty when you meet up.

ps, since you basically were physically attracted to him but didn't really know his personality, a lot of this can just be playing out like this due to his personality as well. Good luck

[Miss Spider]

^I agree, generally, when it's same sex friends which is what I mostly reach out to and feel desperate for...but in my experience (and some studies have shown) with guys is when they are attracted to a woman they usually overestimate her interest in him (you see this all the time with guys thinking the customer service worker is in love with them). And girl asking them to hang out...I think they would interpret it as at least some interest. They usually meet you half way ...if not more...

 

But yeah, if he agreed to the plans ask him if he's cool meeting x place at x time  if he's not jumping on an opportunity to be alone with you to get to know you better...He not your guy

Edited June 8, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[mortensorchid]

I have said this before and I will say it again : coworkers are NOT FRIENDS.  It's easy to think that they are because you spend more time with them then you will with anyone else.  Doesn't matter what industry you are or are not in, you must never think they are friends because they are not.  Never have your sexual or platonic companionship needs met by them because they will rip you to shreds. You'll be happier in the long run. 

[smackie9]

Not true.....everyone's experience is different. I have friends that are long time coworkers, and even when they have left to work somewhere else, they are still my friends. We still meet up to do lunch etc.