Can you be happy single?

[MR_1991]

Hi, so... this is an honest question even if it sounds silly.

Now 3 months broken up from a 5 year relationship I realize that there is nothing I feel is worth living for. My biggest motivator and source of happiness was my ex-gf. So now that she is gone I would like to figure out if I can be happy on my own rather than needing someone else to give me joy.

Before I met her I was very depressed and had a s***ty upbringing so life really changed a lot, also because we both were very much into self-improvement.

 

I got a well paid job, that is not giving me happiness.

I have great friends, but I feel lonely around them.

I have hobbies, but they just seem to pass the time.

I guess my situation is a bit strange because I was mostly LDR with my ex and visiting each other once in a while, working towards a goal she in the end wasn't ready for due to her personal problems.

So maybe this is why everything feels so bland and as if it's just there to kill time? Because my brain has gotten so used to "waiting" for this future we had planned? It's frustrating that I currently mostly feel motivated by the thought of there being contact again in a few years and being able to share all the cool experiences and growth i've had in that time...

Dammit I want to be happy again! And feel good throughout the day. Obviously things are worse right now because I am still greiving, but even in the relationship I was just never satisfied with myself and my life, always pushing myself further and never just being content in the moment. That's just not how I wanna go on.

Would love some tips on being happy on my own, I don't want to get into a relationship again until I feel happy by myself, if such a thing is possibly.

Edited June 3, 2020 by MR_1991

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry about your break up.  It sucks & you feel awful but it's only temporary.  Do not do anything permanent to solve a transitory issue. 

Have you ever been in therapy?  The fact that you mention multiple things that don't make you happy but which are a source of joy & pride for most people makes me wonder if there are bigger issues.  However, if those things:  your job, your friends, & your hobbies were a source of pride & joy before your break up you are just in mourning over the loss of your relationship.  That does color everything bleak but you will be able to deal with it. 

My therapist says this to me all the time & it makes me want to scream or strangle him but he's right:  you have to chose to be happy.   Part of that is having a routine.  Part of that is looking at the good things, not focusing solely on the bad or what you don't have.  Start a gratitude journal.  Every day when you wake up write down 3 things that you are grateful for.  They can be big or small.  I'll give you your 1st 3:  you have a job, you have friends & you have hobbies.  Write 3 more every night. Try not to repeat yourself.  One a week read what you wrote.  It will help you see the abundance that you do have.

Prayer & my religion helped me find peace.  Try it.  If that is not your thing, try mindfulness & mediation. 

Getting outside, getting sun on your face & exercise all help too.  Incorporate them into your life. 

Try to remember that your single status is temporary.  Once you finish grieving the loss of your relationship, once you heal you will most likely find a new partner. Some of your despair is presently colored by the state of the world so that is not helping.  

Hang in there.   

[alphamale]

2 hours ago, MR_1991 said:

Would love some tips on being happy on my own, I don't want to get into a relationship again until I feel happy by myself, if such a thing is possibly.

sounds like you are suffering from clinical depression or something similar, please please please see a physician

[rjc149]

You sounds like you are clinically depressed. Having a girlfriend or hobbies are really just distractions from an underlying issue that you need to seek professional help to address. 

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, MR_1991 said:

I don't want to get into a relationship again until I feel happy by myself, if such a thing is possibly.

I think the crux of a successful relationship is both people are happy by themselves first, depending on someone else for your joy hands power for your happiness ( not to mention the responsibility! ) to someone else. So it's not only possible to be happy alone it's necessary!

There's a societal pressure in many cultures to be part of a relationship or family but yes, you can be happy alone. I often am.

You could maybe see a counsellor or join a support group for the depression and any hangover from your 's****y upbringing'.

From what you say about always waiting for the future being happy now then means re-connecting with yourself, in the moment, rediscovering everyday pleasures and feelings of joy or comfort or peace...

For me I am happiest in nature, sometimes with others but often solitary except for my dog, my happy companion!

Cultivate habits which make you feel satisfied, examples: gratitude, helping others, music, exercise, meditation/prayer, cooking, art/crafts, reading.

Do them alone, do them in groups too for the social contact.

Seek out other happy people, see what they are doing to be happy, see if it works for you.

Do the things which make you happy even when you're not feeling happy and nurture yourself even when no one else is.

Good luck 🍀

 

[Els]

You are only 3 months out of a 5 year relationship. Be kind to yourself. Getting through a breakup is never easy, and the longer the R was, the harder it is to overcome it.

My best suggestion is to talk this out with a counselor or a trusted friend, and give yourself time.

To answer the question, I am the happiest I've ever been in my life, with my husband. But I was happy before I met him. I think you are absolutely correct that you should be able to be happy by yourself before getting into a LTR. Otherwise you will be settling for someone whom you aren't even really compatible with just to fill a void - and that's just unfair to both parties. I have friends who did that, and I feel quite sorry for their partners.

Edited June 3, 2020 by Elswyth

[Ruby Slippers]

Like attracts like. When you're feeling down and unfulfilled, you attract people like that. When you're feeling up and alive, the same.

It's always worked out this way for me, every time.

What gets me happiest when things aren't going great is to focus on and dream about a brighter future, put yourself in the mindset of being in that happy future, focus on things that make you feel good. This is also the way to bring that future into being.

[snowcones]

I am living proof that you can be happy single.  I used to be EXACTLY like you.  I spent a couple of decades of my life like how you were.  I'd always had a crush on a boy since I was 13 or so, and had my first boyfriend/relationship when I was 18 and spent the next couple of decades straight fully immersed in romantic relationships.  Then I divorced.  And after I divorced, I did not know how to live.  I did not know how to be happy.  I did not know what life could be about if it wasn't about being in a relationship and your partner.

Ironically, it was the first bf I had after my divorce who taught me how to live life alone.  He and I could not be together due to circumstances and he saw how unhappy and distraught I was (I was suicidal) and he told me that I had to learn how to do things on my own, how to live on my own, and how to soothe and console myself on my own.  This was a huge wake up call.  I didn't think I had it in me to know to live alone, but because I was in such a distraught place, I knew that I was in no shape to be in a relationship and no one would want to be with a suicidal/sad/depressed person like me until I got myself together, and I had no choice but to do that alone.  Alone, meaning NOT in a relationship.  I still had a couple of friends who I talked to, one being the ex-bf who helped me learn this.

What you have to do is mostly get through each day - day by day first, until you no longer feel debilitating depression.  You have to focus first on getting on with your life in a productive and healthy way just so you can survive and keep afloat.  That alone should take up a good portion of your time.  It's going to involve some self-care that has been neglected and just getting your life in order like you wanted it to be but didn't before due to focusing on someone else.  During this process you will learn about yourself, process the past, reflect a lot on things, and start getting very in touch with yourself, your feelings, and wtf happened type stuff.  This could take 1 year, 2 years or 5 years.  Whatever it takes, just keep focusing on yourself.  Maybe this is the time to achieve some goals you have always wanted, make new dreams, or start a new life somewhere if that makes you feel better. Whatever you do, don't stop.

Once you get well into the swing of this, you will wake up one day and realize that a lot of time has passed, maybe even years, and that you actually enjoy being so into yourself.  You actually enjoy being by yourself, your space, your time, your utter freedom and it's actually not been so bad, and maybe you even like it better than being with someone.  Then you'll try to get into a relationship to test the waters, because we often still hold onto the dream, and then you realize that being involved with someone is actually taking away from the happiness you had when you were alone, not making you have more happiness.  Then you'll really start fine-tuning what you want in a person in ways to ensure that whoever comes into your life only adds to your already happy life alone, and you would be fine whether you find someone or not.

Edited June 3, 2020 by snowcones

[manfrombelow]

Awesome @snowcones

I think not only we can be happy being single, but we MUST be happy being single. 

If you can't be a happy single person, we'd ruin any relationship that we enter and hurt the other person just as much.

[Twenty Twenty]

Yes, BUT*

 

 

 

*Can you be happy childless, knowing that most strangers will make assumptions like, "must be gay", virgin, or the worst. "Awww. Still scared?"

Seriously! Because, yes. You can be happy. You have to have "had someone, before, though".  You say she was 5 years? LDR. So, I don't know if that "counts". I mean, only you know. But for me, that wouldn't count yet. I would need to have a SDR for that same length, then I'd say.. "Ahhhhh. Single. I can do ANYTHING. OMG. I'm goin to strip club. I'm doin DRUGS, I'm gonna rent that MOVIE, Oh lord. Single.. YES" (kidding, guys. Well sorta)

But you need to have had it. Enough. And like I said. Only you know if or when you had. BUt otherwise, nahh... we all need someone. I'm single. And bro. I feel like I have a capital "L" tattoo'd on my forehead. I feel all of society "sees it". I feel women give me pity stares. Because it's been so long for me, that 'single' is now showing.  Still, with all that, as I type this-- "I'm chill..."

Edited June 4, 2020 by Twenty Twenty

[MsJayne]

If you're mentally checking out of social situations and feeling lonely even when you're surrounded by people you know, getting no satisfaction or enjoyment from hobbies, still pining for your ex this far down the track, you should go see your doctor.  They may suggest happy pills or therapy,  or both.  Also, you may be in the worst phase of grieving for your relationship, which is the point when you begin to accept that they actually aren't coming back. It sounds like you were quite emotionally dependent on her which makes it all the more traumatic for you. There's no shame in admitting you need support. 🙂

[MeadowFlower]

7 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

Awesome @snowcones

I think not only we can be happy being single, but we MUST be happy being single. 

If you can't be a happy single person, we'd ruin any relationship that we enter and hurt the other person just as much.

While we should be overall content in our single life, I don't believe that we can't desire a relationship. If that makes sense. It's incredibly natural to desire a relationship. I don't think we have to be some sort of 'perfect' person who is a ball of joy and is happy all the time being a single person. 

[manfrombelow]

35 minutes ago, MeadowFlower said:

While we should be overall content in our single life, I don't believe that we can't desire a relationship. If that makes sense. It's incredibly natural to desire a relationship. I don't think we have to be some sort of 'perfect' person who is a ball of joy and is happy all the time being a single person. 

"Desire a relationship" and "Entering a relationship being already happy" are TWO different things.

[dangerous]

Most people are not happy being single. Largely due to peer pressure, societal programming, etc. 

Most people as soon as they are out of a relationship, cannot wait to be in another, even if they are not in a good place themselves. Just look at the amount of people who jump from one relationship into another without a single day or being single. Most of them continue to be unhappy in themselves in these new relationships too. 

Being happy, whether alone or in a relationship needs work, practice and takes time, or just very good luck meeting a compatible person.

Personally. I am happy being single (after a 25 year marriage, and two LTRs) most of the time. However, when I am in a good relationship, I am probably happier still! BUT and this is a big BUT, I do not want to be in a relationship that makes me feel unhappy or dissatisfied .. and sadly that is what a LOT of people accept, just to be in a relationship.

Finally, OP, as many have said here, it sounds like you are depressed generally, and also possibly made even worse by your recent break-up. My advice is get help, be kind to yourself, and take your time.

Edited June 4, 2020 by dangerous
spelling

[Foxhall]

Yes good you had the relationship for a while anyway, shows you are able to find a companion and can find another one,

you cannot be dependent on another person either for happiness, it is inevitable that you will get fed up trying to please that person and there will be conflict along the way,

no easy fix I suppose, I would suggest enjoying your hobbies with a view to building up more of a social network, 

have a think about what do you enjoy and try to spend more time at that, perhaps take on more learning pursuits, learning new skills is therapeutic,

and yes Id imagine finding another woman along the way will be beneficial for you, 

look at it as enjoyment- meeting new people, learning new skills, meeting new women- all these things are fun and enjoyable rather than a chore.

[robaday]

Yes totally. It might take time, but totally. I took six years or so out of relationships intentionally because of several breakups. It was the best thing I could have ever done. Hard at first, but I got hobbies, things I care about. I got more experience with women through dating. I travelled the world. I did meet someone in the end, who I definitely wasn't looking for - if anything I didn't want a relationship because I was prioritising other things - that strong self identity will not only make you happier but also attract someone into your life. Take a risk, allow yourself a lot of time to be happy on your own its a great voyage of self discovery, which will be difficult at times but will ultimately make you who you become.