caught GF sexting another guy

[justwanttorun2020]

I’ve been divorced for five years. I met a woman, and we’ve been dating for a little over a year.

We are in love and talking about marriage. But I was made aware of something that has bothered me, and I am conflicted as to how I should handle this.

A week ago, I was updating her phone, and there was a text thread between her and another guy that took place at 2 am. We do not live together (she has young kids), and I was at my home. There were no pictures exchanged, but it was a long back and forth about acts with each other. Very descriptive and lurid. I don’t think I can even say what it was on this forum. The texts were very clear, detailed and it was evident that both of them were into it. (She said that hse had never done anything like that before but based on the flow of the conversation, I don't believe it)

I was mortified. Needless to say, I lost it and confronted her.

We had gotten into a little argument earlier the night that she texted him, and that was the start of the discussion. She told me that she had taken a Tylenol PM and had 2 glasses of wine and didn’t even remember doing it. She said she felt unwanted. I think it's bs

This guy lives in another state. He has a GF and knows she has a BF. They were friends when he lived here as far as I know, and they may have had a relationship. I ended the relationship right then. However, she texted him later and apologized to him that she made a mistake, etc. She sent me screenshots as proof, I guess.

She continued to reach out to me, apologizing profusely and asking for me to forgive her and get back together. After I cooled off, we talked, and we got back together (love is forgiving, I guess).

My problem is that I cannot get passed it. When I’m with her, I just keep thinking about it. Why would she do this? Why him? Why would she lie to me? That sort of thing, and of course the actual content of the sexually explicit texts.

I love her but I’m just not sure if I can get passed it. I just don't trust her and think she gave excuses about it because she got called out. It really gave me a different picture of what kind of person she is.

Was I a fool to even get back with her? Should I just walk away? I’m confused at which way to go with this.

 

Thank you

Edited June 2, 2020 by justwanttorun2020

[Fox Sake]

55 minutes ago, justwanttorun2020 said:

I’ve been divorced for five years. I met a woman, and we’ve been dating for a little over a year.

We are in love and talking about marriage. But I was made aware of something that has bothered me, and I am conflicted as to how I should handle this.

A week ago, I was updating her phone, and there was a text thread between her and another guy that took place at 2 am. We do not live together (she has young kids), and I was at my home. There were no pictures exchanged, but it was a long back and forth about acts with each other. Very descriptive and lurid. I don’t think I can even say what it was on this forum. The texts were very clear, detailed and it was evident that both of them were into it. (She said that hse had never done anything like that before but based on the flow of the conversation, I don't believe it)

I was mortified. Needless to say, I lost it and confronted her.

We had gotten into a little argument earlier the night that she texted him, and that was the start of the discussion. She told me that she had taken a Tylenol PM and had 2 glasses of wine and didn’t even remember doing it. She said she felt unwanted. I think it's bs

This guy lives in another state. He has a GF and knows she has a BF. They were friends when he lived here as far as I know, and they may have had a relationship. I ended the relationship right then. However, she texted him later and apologized to him that she made a mistake, etc. She sent me screenshots as proof, I guess.

She continued to reach out to me, apologizing profusely and asking for me to forgive her and get back together. After I cooled off, we talked, and we got back together (love is forgiving, I guess).

My problem is that I cannot get passed it. When I’m with her, I just keep thinking about it. Why would she do this? Why him? Why would she lie to me? That sort of thing, and of course the actual content of the sexually explicit texts.

I love her but I’m just not sure if I can get passed it. I just don't trust her and think she gave excuses about it because she got called out. It really gave me a different picture of what kind of person she is.

Was I a fool to even get back with her? Should I just walk away? I’m confused at which way to go with this.

 

Thank you

She’s been emotionally cheating on you for god knows how long. You just caught her. 
 

if you want to retain any level of self respect you be strong and end it before she does , cos she’s met someone new, or “can’t commit” . 
 

it’s not worth your mental health,  and a healthy relationship is based on trust and honesty. Not window shopping. You can’t ever really trust someone who’s done that, cos the trust is broken.

You shouldn’t go through peoples phones either. On this occasion it paid off- But only if you leave. 

Edited June 2, 2020 by Fox Sake
Grammar etc

[Versacehottie]

You can't get past it because you are not meant to get past it.

It's a betrayal that is showing you this person doesn't deserve more of your investment.  What you are trying to forgive on one hand, your body and mind are not letting you forget with good reason.  Not only was the act of what she did bad enough, the fact that she made up lies and excuses to try to get out of trouble should be as much of a problem for you.  She's broken trust, IMO irretrievably.  I'd say you shouldn't betray yourself by sticking it out with her.  There are people in life who will just do what they want and apologize IF caught, This also, to me, signifies the balance of things if off with you guys.  Don't forget it was probably in retaliation that she started those texts that night.  I'd dump her again. Good luck 

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, justwanttorun2020 said:

she had taken a Tylenol PM and had 2 glasses of wine

her liver sounds like a mess

2 hours ago, justwanttorun2020 said:

After I cooled off, we talked, and we got back together (love is forgiving, I guess).

My problem is that I cannot get passed it.

 I just don't trust her

Then if this is how you feel, there is no point in staying in a relationship with someone you can't trust and whose behavior you can't get past.  Life is too short for BS. She has no self discipline and is incapable of self soothing without bringing another man in to validate herself. She could have just as easily called one of her girls to vent, but she didn't---she struck out at you by doing this---and she was fine keeping the secret. If you hadn't been updating her phone, she'd still be hoodwinking you to this day.

Love ain't got nothing to do with that. You have a head that has rank over the heart.

[Ami1uwant]

You only saw the sexting?

 

this is emotional cheating. They were in a relationship here before.

[Versacehottie]

Hmmm, to me, I'd put sexting on same level as real cheating.  I suppose it's a grey area but yeah I'd classify it the same as real in the flesh cheating since it's part of what makes up a couple own physical/sexual relationship.  idk, that's just how I'd categorize it.  But as I said above, the fact that she tried to make excuses & lie and the reason/day she reached out to the guy would bother me just as much.  It's a betrayal and character flaw.  I wouldn't waste time on a person like this.  I also believe that a lot of sexting is just a precursor to eventually be acted upon.  Whether it's with this guy or some other, she's not all in.  I wouldn't waste time trying to get her all in, see above: character flaws.  

[rjc149]

Is this a repost? I remember this thread from a few weeks ago.

Advice is the same brother. When a woman goes behind your back, and you reconcile with her, she loses respect and attraction for you. Even if she begged for a reconciliation. By taking her back you are placing much higher value on her than on yourself. This is needy and shows a huge lack of self-respect. 

The trust is gone and so, unfortunately, your relationship is over.

Also, assume she slept with him. Women don’t have lengthy, detailed sext exchanges with men they’ve never had a sexual encounter with. 

[chillii]

9 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

She’s been emotionally cheating on you for god knows how long. You just caught her. 
 

if you want to retain any level of self respect you be strong and end it before she does , cos she’s met someone new, or “can’t commit” . 
 

it’s not worth your mental health,  and a healthy relationship is based on trust and honesty. Not window shopping. You can’t ever really trust someone who’s done that, cos the trust is broken.

You shouldn’t go through peoples phones either. On this occasion it paid off- But only if you leave. 

 

Yep , exactly . And so what , you had a fight , doesn't even sound like a big fight .  Everybody has fights , and sometimes big ones , so what. They don't all race off to someone else , few drinks or not big deal there's no excuses here sorry to say just a very weak women that lucky for you has shown you early that that's all she has. Sorry op.

 

Edited June 3, 2020 by chillii

[Dexterr]

What did she say was the cause? Why did she do it? Apart from this one fight, she has done it previously as well. Why? If she says no and you cannot find the messages, they've been deleted.
By the way, the "under influence, can't remember" statement is horsesh*t. She remembers very well. She's hiding too much to face it, cheaters are rather cowardly. I was one.

Edited June 3, 2020 by Dexterr

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is not invested in you, and not ready for a real commitment at this point in her life. 

She's got the hots for this other guy. 

Next her. 

[manfrombelow]

11 hours ago, justwanttorun2020 said:

We are in love and talking about marriage. 

1. Redflags, from the both of you. Why don't you just keep enjoying each other's company, having fun, and hooking up instead of trying to "lock" each other down?

Quote

A week ago, I was updating her phone, and there was a text thread between her and another guy that took place at 2 am.[/quote]

2. So you, for whatever reasons, was trying to invade her private life. You opened her Pandora Box, and saw what was not supposed to be seen.

Quote

I was mortified. Needless to say, I lost it and confronted her.[/quote]

3. Yeah, of course, this is where all hell and drama broke loose.

Quote

We had gotten into a little argument earlier the night that she texted him, and that was the start of the discussion. She told me that she had taken a Tylenol PM and had 2 glasses of wine and didn’t even remember doing it. She said she felt unwanted. I think it's bs [/quote]

4. Of course it's BS. Of course she had to deny it with all her will. What you didn't understand is even though it's evident that she sexted another guy, but it's STILL her private matter, in her private space. And you invaded it. So you guys argued, and you created drama.

Quote

 

She continued to reach out to me, apologizing profusely and asking for me to forgive her and get back together.[/quote]

5. At this point, if you're really an Alpha with lots of options, you should have nexted her because this is cheating. A woman only cheats only when she no longer sees you as a high value man, and no longer respects you. Forgiving someone just because he/she apologises is POINTLESS because it'd teach them (at a subconscious level) that they can get away with anything as long as they just "apologise."

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After I cooled off, we talked, and we got back together (love is forgiving, I guess).[/quote]

6. No, you got back with her because you got so stuck up with her aka ONEITIS. You couldn't let her go because you lacked options aka Scarcity Mindset.

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My problem is that I cannot get passed it. [/quote]

7. See what I mean? You did not really "forgive" her. You just PRETENDED to forgive her so you could continue having sex with her, because you feared losing this p*ssy. That's why you could not get pass it, and this will cause the both of you lots of drama along the way.

Quote

When I’m with her, I just keep thinking about it. Why would she do this? Why him? Why would she lie to me? That sort of thing, and of course the actual content of the sexually explicit texts.[[/quote]

8. Like I said previously, you could not let this pass because you pretended to forgive her.

Quote

Was I a fool to even get back with her? Should I just walk away? I’m confused at which way to go with this.

Thank you

9. At this point, you have ONLY two options:

(1) - Accept this reality. Swallow it. Stop making drama about this.

(2) - If you CANNOT accept this reality, then you should leave her.

But if I were you, I just downgrade her to Friend-With-Benefits status, and go date other women. This way, I will be able to keep having sex with her without all the drama of a so-called "relationship".

It's as simple as that.

Edited June 3, 2020 by manfrombelow

[Dexterr]

9 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

 

I'm not sure whether to cry or laugh at this. I think staying isn't just all about "that pussy" and that life isn't all about "alpha vs beta", in fact, the latter is ridiculous and rather sad. I say find a woman who wants you for you, not because you walk around like you have a brick up your, you-know-what, or what one would call an "alpha", I guess?

The privacy matter is also hypocritical. She gets to share herself with a random loser but the OP doesn't get to be aware of it?

Your solution of downgrading a girlfriend to your personal whore instead of leaving in peace is also quite questionable.

Edited June 3, 2020 by Dexterr

[manfrombelow]

Just now, Dexterr said:

I'm not sure whether to cry or laugh at this. I think staying isn't just all about "that pussy" and that life isn't all about "alpha vs beta" 

The privacy matter is also hypocritical. She gets to share herself with a random loser but the OP doesn't get to be aware of it?

Like I said, now that OP has been awared of that, and what good did it bring him? Peace of mind? I don't think so.

And like I said, now OP has only two options: 1/ Walk away, 2/ Stay and shut up.

Give his current state of mind (and emotions), he cannot have the best of both worlds - which is staying and being relaxed at the same time - if that's what OP wants.

[Dexterr]

3 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

Like I said, now that OP has been awared of that, and what good did it bring him? Peace of mind? I don't think so.

And like I said, now OP has only two options: 1/ Walk away, 2/ Stay and shut up.

Give his current state of mind (and emotions), he cannot have the best of both worlds - which is staying and being relaxed at the same time - if that's what OP wants.

I cheated and my partner stayed. I can tell you, staying isn't all about "staying and shutting up". They betrayed partner is free to ask however many questions they want and the cheater is obliged to answer, IF they wish to accomplish anything and fix the relationship.

Swiping betrayal underneath a rug in order to be "alpha" is just sad. I say be a man instead and deal with the trauma however it helps you, OP. If you choose to stay, that is. If she won't be responsive, remorseful and if she won't help you, leave.

Edited June 3, 2020 by Dexterr

[manfrombelow]

4 minutes ago, Dexterr said:

I cheated and my partner stayed. 

Cheating men are not Alpha. And you got lucky. And luck is not something we count in the equation.

And the fact that your partner stayed tells a lot about her "quality".

Edited June 3, 2020 by manfrombelow

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

Cheating men are not Alpha. And you got lucky. And luck is not something we count in the equation.

And the fact that your partner stayed tells a lot about her "quality".

Eh, a lot of people stay with cheating partners. Do I necessarily think it's wise? No, and I wouldn't recommend it. 

Is it unusual and is Dexterr a rare exception? No, not even in the slightest. 

[Dexterr]

6 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

Cheating men are not Alpha. And you got lucky. And luck is not something we count in the equation.

And the fact that your partner stayed tells a lot about her "quality".

I'd appreciate it if you kept your mouth shut about my partner. You wouldn't know much about women like her, women of quality. You keep on being a strong alpha male, though put a bit more effort into it, it's obvious what insecurity lies underneath that facade

[manfrombelow]

9 minutes ago, Dexterr said:

I'd appreciate it if you kept your mouth shut about my partner. You wouldn't know much about women like her, women of quality. You keep on being a strong alpha male, though put a bit more effort into it, it's obvious what insecurity lies underneath that facade

If you want people to keep their mouths shut about your partner, you should have kept your mouth shut about her instead of bringing her up in the 1st place.

You got lucky. That's what you got. 

[Dexterr]

5 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

If you want people to keep their mouths shut about your partner, you should have kept your mouth shut about her instead of bringing her up in the 1st place.

You got lucky. That's what you got. 

Might take your galaxy brain by shock but examples help arguments  . 
Yes I got lucky since a woman like her gave me a second look. Am very grateful for it.

Edited June 3, 2020 by Dexterr

[manfrombelow]

1 minute ago, Dexterr said:

Yes I got lucky since a woman like her gave me a second look. Am very grateful for it.

You better be and treat her well. Best of luck to the both of you.

[Caauug]

13 hours ago, justwanttorun2020 said:

We are in love and talking about marriage. But I was made aware of something that has bothered me, and I am conflicted as to how I should handle this.

A week ago, I was updating her phone, and there was a text thread between her and another guy that took place at 2 am. We do not live together (she has young kids), and I was at my home.

You are dating and talking about marriage to a single mum of multiple children. Now try to put yourself in her shoes (it doesn't matter what pair...) What would she be looking for in a mate? What does she require/desire at this point in time in her life with her family? You have some of it cause she is dating/leading you along..... Maybe Sexter has more to offer now, they do know each other... 

"We are in love"??? Ok, but remember she does not love the same as you do. She loves you for how you can make her feel about herself (and how she feels about her family), what you can bring into the family. Remember her family (kids) comes first, as they should because she has a lot invested into them. She has to look after them (and herself as she is there provider). She is looking for a new mate (dating you and sexting Sextor). I'm ducking around the real word I want to say because a lot of people think it is dead, but this proves them all wrong. She is looking for the best mate to provide for her and her family, even if it means to monkey branch from you to Sexter…. You are being used!!!

3 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

1. Redflags, from the both of you. Why don't you just keep enjoying each other's company, having fun, and hooking up instead of trying to "lock" each other down?

He wants to lock down a steady root, she wants to lock down the next plow horse....

 

14 hours ago, justwanttorun2020 said:

She continued to reach out to me, apologizing profusely and asking for me to forgive her and get back together. After I cooled off, we talked, and we got back together (love is forgiving, I guess).

Ya Right.... She begged and you got a root.... Thinking with the wrong head again!!!

 

3 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

7. See what I mean? You did not really "forgive" her. You just PRETENDED to forgive her so you could continue having sex with her, because you feared losing this p*ssy. That's why you could not get pass it, and this will cause the both of you lots of drama along the way.

YES, YES YES!!!! ^^^^^

I could go on quoting here but I think I have made point. She is looking for a provider (plow horse) for herself and her family. Love for her has nothing to do with Disney movies. You are competing (being tested) and always will be, to some degree. You are 3rd, 4th or farther depends on amount of kids she has, in importance in her life. Get use to paying her half for her or more with someone else's kids. There are much better options.

[chillii]

3 hours ago, Dexterr said:

I'm not sure whether to cry or laugh at this. I think staying isn't just all about "that pussy" and that life isn't all about "alpha vs beta", in fact, the latter is ridiculous and rather sad. I say find a woman who wants you for you, not because you walk around like you have a brick up your, you-know-what, or what one would call an "alpha", I guess?

The privacy matter is also hypocritical. She gets to share herself with a random loser but the OP doesn't get to be aware of it?

Your solution of downgrading a girlfriend to your personal whore instead of leaving in peace is also quite questionable.

 

Your not kidding damn, some of the heads out there !

 

 

 

[introverted1]

15 hours ago, justwanttorun2020 said:

Was I a fool to even get back with her?

 Yes.  A fool in love, perhaps, but her behavior wasn't acceptable and, more to the point, unlikely to have been a one-off.

Quote

Should I just walk away?

Yes.  Don't marry this woman unless you want to know the heartache of being cheated on.

[schlumpy]

It seems to me the cheater must make some act contrition that is convincing. You accepted her dropping the relationship but I think that was minimal contrition.

If she was willing to confess to her ex's new girlfriend about what was going on then you might have something worth hanging onto.

I suggest you find someone else because you love her much more then she loves you. That means you will always come up short.

[smackie9]

No you should get out of there. What I see is some guy, YOU, that will do for now because she's just lonely. I have said this many times, talk of marriage and a future is just that TALK, in the moment of passion, infatuation, never to be taken as a promise. Not even a year yet and this happened... should speak volumes to you. The big red flag is that she diverts blame on why it happened...never took accountability...even you called it BS but you took her back anyways >.< You stay, you take this relationship on at your own peril.

Edited June 3, 2020 by smackie9