LynneVicious Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 Op, the onus is on you here. He’s clearly waving giant red flags and their relationship and/or feelings is not finished. At this point, you can choose to proceed at your own risk, but you are a rebound. If it were me, I would bounce because of everything you mentioned. There’s no way he’s ready to be in a relationship with someone else at this point.
Author TaintedLuv Posted June 4, 2020 Author Posted June 4, 2020 12 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: This puts her in an unfair position, though. He'll let her "make" him get rid of the ex and then later decide she's controlling. Why can't be just do it instead of "making her make him" do it, KWIM? The more I read of tjos, the more it really does sound like he's hung up on this ex... Well part of our discussion yesterday was that he didn’t think we would end up serious so he casually said he’d handle if we did when the time came. He pursued me very hard and I had my doubts but the way he treated me won me over. I couldn’t dismiss the way he was treating me and I didn’t even think the ex was going to be an issue based on previous convos. Things moved fast and here we are.
Author TaintedLuv Posted June 4, 2020 Author Posted June 4, 2020 3 minutes ago, LynneVicious said: Op, the onus is on you here. He’s clearly waving giant red flags and their relationship and/or feelings is not finished. At this point, you can choose to proceed at your own risk, but you are a rebound. If it were me, I would bounce because of everything you mentioned. There’s no way he’s ready to be in a relationship with someone else at this point. I know I’m taking a risk here and normally I would’ve bounced. We have two different mindsets and his isn’t realistic. If she were to meet someone new, there’s no way her partner would be cool with this and she’d disappear on her own. It’s just how things work. You can’t have it all.
poppyfields Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 28 minutes ago, TaintedLuv said: Well part of our discussion yesterday was that he didn’t think we would end up serious so he casually said he’d handle if we did when the time came. He pursued me very hard and I had my doubts but the way he treated me won me over. I couldn’t dismiss the way he was treating me and I didn’t even think the ex was going to be an issue based on previous convos. Things moved fast and here we are. TL, I am confused. You state in quote above that he didn’t think (or intend) for your relationship to become serious. But then you state he pursued you so hard that you had your doubts but he eventually “won you over.” My question is why the hell was he pursuing you so heavily and trying so hard to "win you over," when he didn’t know or believe it would ever get serious? Not sure if you are familiar, but this is called “lovebombing.” And it often occurs in rebound relationships, just so you’re aware if you weren’t already. I also went back to re-read your initial post and this is a very new relationship – only two months. This all sounds extremely haphazard and dysfunctional for a relationship so so young. You were right to be wary and cautious when he was pursuing/lovebombing you so heavily trying to win you over. You should have stuck with that. It’s a HUGE red flag when men do this, especially given he had just broken up with someone a few months prior. I dunno, I hate to say this but I don’t envision this ending well for you at all but good luck. I'm sorry. Edited June 4, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted June 4, 2020 Author Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, poppyfields said: TL, I am confused. You state in quote above that he didn’t think (or intend) for your relationship to become serious. But then you state he pursued you so hard that you had your doubts but he eventually “won you over.” My question is why the hell was he pursuing you so heavily and trying so hard to "win you over," when he didn’t believe himself it would ever get serious? Not sure if you are familiar, but this is called “lovebombing.” And it often occurs in rebound relationships, just so you’re aware if you weren’t already. I also went back to re-read your initial post and this is a very new relationship – only two months. This all sounds extremely haphazard and dysfunctional for a relationship so so young. You were right to be wary and cautious when he was pursuing/lovebombing you so heavily trying to win you over. You should have stuck with that. It’s a HUGE red flag when men do this, especially given he had just broken up with someone a few months prior. I dunno, I hate to say this but I don’t envision this ending well for you at all but good luck. I'm sorry. Oh I get that. On paper, it’s all wrong. It’s also tough to post every detail. I’ve been love bombed before and this is different. I was very apprehensive in the beginning and to be honest, wasn’t sure of us myself. Without giving too many details, he’s ex military and I’m middle eastern. Right off the bat, there’s a lot of conflict and I wanted to be sure that he understood me and who I am from a cultural standpoint. I was kind of the one holding up moving forward in a way and because he came on so strong and I’ve experienced it before I was even more cautious than usual but we somehow ended up on the same page. He expressed that he wanted something serious but he didn’t think we would end up working hence his hesitation. It was never intended to be casual. We both discussed what we were looking for within the first day or two. Two months isn’t that long but we talk 247 and see each other as often as possible. Im very self aware and introspective. Maybe to a fault. If he wanted to be with her, he could’ve been so I can’t ignore that. I’m still proceeding with caution but I feel like I need to give it a little more time. It may hurt but I wouldn’t let it get too much further at the risk of my heart. Idk what else to do. I feel like it’s a lose lose. Edited June 4, 2020 by TaintedLuv
ExpatInItaly Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 1 hour ago, TaintedLuv said: I think he’s just totally clueless Malarkey. He's not clueless. Far from it. He's just hoping you sort of are, so that he doesn't have to let go of her before he's ready. And he is not ready. 3
Versacehottie Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: Thanks for taking the time to post all of that! I’ve already gone through every scenario. Ie him not deleting pix and deactivated an account that can be reactivated. My voicing my discomfort with respect to it being early on was merely expressing that’s something that I wouldn’t like with him or anyone else. We’re getting to know each other so I’m going to tell someone where my boundaries would be should we get into something serious which. He didn’t delete his IG and supposedly deleted the pix and can’t seem them but I can so whatever. I give up on that front ! She removed him anyway. I think he’s just totally clueless in which will make us incompatible in the end. He has a lot of great qualities. And aside from this nonsense. No one has ever treated me so well IN MY LIFE. We spoke about it yesterday because I wanted to make sure he understands where I’m at. He explained that they were talking everyday. She’s depressed. She’s alone during covid and he was the only one hanging out with her since her family was worried and again, she’s “important” and he’s not gonna tell a friend of five years to “f*ck off” over a two month relationship. I never told him to do that. But why are you talking to another woman daily while I take up a ton of your time. I said that I didn’t think it was normal and he responded “well for me it is”. I told him I’m not comfortable with my partner having an intimate friendship with a woman and a woman he’s been romantic with and I’m not giving him any ultimatums and if I feel that he’s not doing the right thing then I’ll just do what I need to do. To me, they absolutely have no boundaries because they’ve never needed them. They broke up and continued as if they were still together without the physical aspect of it so she never moved on and he eventually met someone which gets him into this situation. It’s not nitpicking. He should’ve just told her when it started to manage both of our expectations. As far as I’m concerned, him speaking to her daily while having a gf is basically having two gfs. He can’t be her support system while being mine. It’s strange. He doesn’t get that. I guarantee that if he wasn’t so involved in her daily life as “best friends”, she’d already be with someone. If they haven’t been intimate in two years then clearly the physical doesn’t matter to her so she still got to keep him. Why would she bother finding someone else? I’ve lost a lot of sleep over this when it couldn’t be approached totally different but I’ve decided to let it go for now and focus on us and reassess how I feel in a few weeks and also see what he does. It may go against what I’m feeling but I also don’t want to wonder what if. You're welcome Very gracious of you not to see this tough love as an attack--it's not, just trying to make you see another perspective. I'm probably more similar to him on a spectrum of things. Well, fair enough, he could have also ignored a red flag with regard to the two of your compatibility since you definitely gave him fair warning of how you are by bringing that up at the beginning. While I don't agree with it personally, it's a totally legit way to be and other girls would maybe do the same thing. I just think it conveys insecurity or control issues which is also how he seems to be viewing things. Don't you see how ironic it is that you are deciding the "shoulds" of their boundaries without enforcing your own which you stated a few months ago? He probably partially deleted the account to have it stop being a point of contention between you two; doesn't want you to be able to monitor it. You should give up on the front. He's satisfied your demand albeit not with the method you chose but the one he chooses. See how he is reinforcing who he is (bolded above). He's trying to explain who he is. I think the communication was good for that talk even though things are not fully resolved in your head. I'm with you that support system stuff though I would probably handle a lot of it differently. I think sometimes you have to back off so the person can do what needs to be done rather than keep trying to hammer the point home--then they will often handle it anyway. Probably will still be in his own way, and longer amount of time than you would like. I think seeing what you feel like in a couple of weeks in the right thing to do--absolutely agree with not wondering what if. Good luck during that time frame. oh, I just saw the post where you said what his prior career was; I know it's a generalization but it does make sense if he's ex-military he could possibly see his identity as a protector more seriously and it's hard for him to just cut ties with someone who "needs" him. She may be milking that or whatever but again, it goes to my point that part of why he is reluctant to do it your way is that it steps on his identity. IMO. Ok, good luck Edited June 4, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 This is starting to boil down to the following reality: "Men have zero interest in being mere 'friends' with women they wouldn't rather be banging"
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 30 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: "Men have zero interest in being mere 'friends' with women they wouldn't rather be banging" 'fraid so. I see he is a nurse, is his ex a nurse too? Edited June 4, 2020 by elaine567
Author TaintedLuv Posted June 4, 2020 Author Posted June 4, 2020 4 minutes ago, elaine567 said: 'fraid so. I see he is a nurse, is his ex a nurse too? Yup
Author TaintedLuv Posted June 4, 2020 Author Posted June 4, 2020 34 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: This is starting to boil down to the following reality: "Men have zero interest in being mere 'friends' with women they wouldn't rather be banging" I agree. There’s no way a man and a woman can be friends especially if there was some love or intimacy there already. I have a lot of male friends. I know they’d sleep with me if I allowed them the opportunity or try to date me but they know they’d lose me and respect those boundaries. I also can’t imagine dating someone and not sleeping together for two years. Why even make that up though? He’s trying to swing from one tree to the another without letting go in case he falls and I’m not interested in being another option or competing with a 24 year old. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 3 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: I know I’m taking a risk here and normally I would’ve bounced. We have two different mindsets and his isn’t realistic. If she were to meet someone new, there’s no way her partner would be cool with this and she’d disappear on her own. It’s just how things work. You can’t have it all. Well...so...what's the plan, then? You either have to accept it, or put your foot down which it doesn't sound like you want to do... 1
Versacehottie Posted June 5, 2020 Posted June 5, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: I agree. There’s no way a man and a woman can be friends especially if there was some love or intimacy there already. I have a lot of male friends. I know they’d sleep with me if I allowed them the opportunity or try to date me but they know they’d lose me and respect those boundaries. I also can’t imagine dating someone and not sleeping together for two years. Why even make that up though? He’s trying to swing from one tree to the another without letting go in case he falls and I’m not interested in being another option or competing with a 24 year old. This is absolutely untrue as a b/w statement.. And shows your jealous nature and that you think in absolutes. I am friends with lots of guys, including ex's that I have no desire to date (the fact that we have dated before or that they are friendly with me doesn't necessarily guarantee that they want another chance with me or would hook up given the opportunity). And I've even helped them with the girls they are dating or want to try to date. A few times I even set up an ex bf with single girlfriends. Try to get your mind into a neutral place to consider alternative possibilities, such as men and women can be friends, it's more of this guy's personality than a real threat, etc. Part of your problem again is just like your boyfriend says: you have a tendency to thinking negatively. It feels like you can't get enough reassurance and that is part of the reason. While I recommended it, as I predicted, you took the option that has you hanging on for more time--which goes contrary to your boundaries and thought process and your trust in this situation. This leads me to believe that you try to control the situation bit by bit by bit rather than utilize your supposed boundaries. Weak boundaries are also a sign of insecurity. I'm not saying whether or not he is fully over her. You say it's a big love situation between you two and you can trust him to love you, so then act and proceed as if it is. If you can't trust him, and he's not ready, this is just spinning your wheels. You gotta change your belief system a bit, girl ps personally i think the confluence of factors and the very possible rebound thing with the timing and how he's handling being with YOU makes it murky and likely that he's not over her. I think the way you are measuring his love/trustworthiness etc is b.s. and being that you are way down the jealousy spectrum, I feel like you are going against your own instincts, boundaries and sticking your head in the sand. You getting him to submit to your demands isn't going to change what he will do with regards to her; he'll just take what he wants to do underground, ie getting a good result with controlling him won't change the big picture. Edited June 5, 2020 by Versacehottie
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