ShyViolet Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 Uhh, yeah, it sounds like he is still entangled with this ex. He "doesn't want to lose her and cares about her"? That language sounds a lot like still having feelings. You should not invest your heart in this guy. You can casually date him and see where it goes but don't throw yourself into this head first and treat it like a serious relationship. He's not ready. 2
simpycurious Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Uhh, yeah, it sounds like he is still entangled with this ex. He "doesn't want to lose her and cares about her"? That language sounds a lot like still having feelings. You should not invest your heart in this guy. You can casually date him and see where it goes but don't throw yourself into this head first and treat it like a serious relationship. He's not ready. Agreed^^^.....these feelings have not run their course so don't get caught in the middle.
Versacehottie Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 Regarding meeting families and talking about the future, to me, that should make you more nervous rather than less so. It's almost like he's substituting your relationship because he's been in one for the last 4 years--it's one version of a rebound and it's a thing. As far as him describing the reasons they are no longer together, I wouldn't believe what he said. Not that he specifically is lying but I think lots of people sugarcoat and give half truths etc when it comes to that stuff--especially when the evidence shows that he is still tied to her in ways. 1
deepthinking Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 "He keeps asking if I want him to cut her out of his life and I’m not going to ask that" He has offered to end it. Do not help her out. Let him end it. 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted June 3, 2020 Author Posted June 3, 2020 Yeah at this point. It’s a combination of my past and some gut feeling. We got into it last night as she supposedly reached out and said she was upset that he didn’t tell her sooner and she wants nothing more than to be best friends and it would hurt her to lose him. I don’t know why that didn’t make me feel any better. Probably because he poorly handled it from the start. He gave me an ultimatum that I either accept things or we can’t move forward. He said the ball was in her court if she wanted to stay friends and I guess the ball is in mine to stick around or not. “XGF and I are figuring out the change in dynamic of our relationship and there’s no shot of us being back together. She has been my best friend and confidant here for the last 5 years. We haven’t been romantic for a long time or intimate. But we’ve always leaned on each other. So I didn’t know how to tell her w/o there being someone potentially upset. I owed it to you to make sure she knew and I owed it to her. I was trying to figure out the best way to do it. Seriously, you’re over analyzing things makes transparency difficult bc you always take things and run a negative direction. That needs to stop. I’m done fighting over something that has been resolved. You know exactly where it stands and that I chose you over her. Which there was never a choice to make since you two are apples and oranges. She’s a friend and you are much more.”
poppyfields Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 (edited) Tainted, just had a chance to read, and one thing I've learned is don't try to talk yourself into being okay and comfortable with something when you are clearly not. It doesnt matter whether your bf still has feelings for his ex or not, or whether they are truly just friends or not. Let's say they are just friends and he has no romantic feelings or desire for her, so what? Would that change your feelings about it? Would knowing that alleviate your anxiety, feeling off balance and on edge whenever you see them interacting or reading her post about her "handsome man" or anything else? What I am trying to say is this is not even about them, it's about you and how you feel being in this relationship. Relationships should make us feel good, happy, safe, loved, cherished. Do you feel those things? Feelings are never wrong or right, they just "are" and we are all entitled to our feelings no matter what anyone else thinks. You can ask us "do I have a right to feel uncomfortable about this"? "Am I being too insecure"? It wouldn't matter if we or the whole world said yes you do, or no you don't, they are YOUR feelings you don't need anyone else's approval to have them or to tell you they are right or wrong. Re the message your bf sent you, the ultimatum of sorts, I can't say whether he still has feelings or not, only HE knows, and if he does, doubtful he would admit to you. So nevermind his text and just go with how you feel, how being in a relationship with him feels, and if you're feeling anything but happy, safe secure and cherished, leave. Edited June 3, 2020 by poppyfields 2
Versacehottie Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 52 minutes ago, TaintedLuv said: Yeah at this point. It’s a combination of my past and some gut feeling. We got into it last night as she supposedly reached out and said she was upset that he didn’t tell her sooner and she wants nothing more than to be best friends and it would hurt her to lose him. I don’t know why that didn’t make me feel any better. Probably because he poorly handled it from the start. He gave me an ultimatum that I either accept things or we can’t move forward. He said the ball was in her court if she wanted to stay friends and I guess the ball is in mine to stick around or not. “XGF and I are figuring out the change in dynamic of our relationship and there’s no shot of us being back together. She has been my best friend and confidant here for the last 5 years. We haven’t been romantic for a long time or intimate. But we’ve always leaned on each other. So I didn’t know how to tell her w/o there being someone potentially upset. I owed it to you to make sure she knew and I owed it to her. I was trying to figure out the best way to do it. Seriously, you’re over analyzing things makes transparency difficult bc you always take things and run a negative direction. That needs to stop. I’m done fighting over something that has been resolved. You know exactly where it stands and that I chose you over her. Which there was never a choice to make since you two are apples and oranges. She’s a friend and you are much more.” How exactly did the information come up that she reached out? Did he bring it up out of the blue? Or did you ask him something in regards to her and their communication lately? You have to consider on one hand that if he brought it up out of the blue he may have been trying to reassure you since you've been needing a lot of reassurance about this issue--in which case i see his point about you taking things and running in a negative direction. Some people are just wired to be jealous and insecure--and if that's the case for you (sounds like it may be), you are picking a person and situation that is going to feed the beast inside of you rather than one who won't, ie someone with a much more distant ex that he doesn't talk to at all. I think it's a mistake to be wired like this but bottom line, if you can't get over it, there's is no point in nitpicking and constantly getting into it with each other. I actually agree with his ultimatum. Sorry, if in his shoes no one is going to tell me who I can be friends with--that's a red flag to me. I would try to accommodate some and up to a limit to make the other person more comfortable and then your actions would just show me that I couldn't really be myself and that perhaps/very likely it would be a never-ending pit of insecurity and need to control to stay with you. Uh, no, just no. I go back to the bottom line: if he's going to reconnect with her or cheat on you that's something you can't control and it will happen anyway. In fact, you could get a boyfriend who is more loyal seeming in your view with less past entanglements still lurking and he could also cheat on you. *The part that i bolded in his statement to you (ps better to do these talks in person vs over message) is interesting. If you started your relationship while they were still technically together, that's a common thing to not really have security that the other person won't cheat. A relationship born out of cheating usually is a good provider of that insecurity; and yes does favor often it happening again. If you are insecure, definitely don't choose situations that will enhance that trait. Sorry, you need to let something go--either the nitpicking or the guy. Good luck 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted June 3, 2020 Author Posted June 3, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: How exactly did the information come up that she reached out? Did he bring it up out of the blue? Or did you ask him something in regards to her and their communication lately? You have to consider on one hand that if he brought it up out of the blue he may have been trying to reassure you since you've been needing a lot of reassurance about this issue--in which case i see his point about you taking things and running in a negative direction. Some people are just wired to be jealous and insecure--and if that's the case for you (sounds like it may be), you are picking a person and situation that is going to feed the beast inside of you rather than one who won't, ie someone with a much more distant ex that he doesn't talk to at all. I think it's a mistake to be wired like this but bottom line, if you can't get over it, there's is no point in nitpicking and constantly getting into it with each other. I actually agree with his ultimatum. Sorry, if in his shoes no one is going to tell me who I can be friends with--that's a red flag to me. I would try to accommodate some and up to a limit to make the other person more comfortable and then your actions would just show me that I couldn't really be myself and that perhaps/very likely it would be a never-ending pit of insecurity and need to control to stay with you. Uh, no, just no. I go back to the bottom line: if he's going to reconnect with her or cheat on you that's something you can't control and it will happen anyway. In fact, you could get a boyfriend who is more loyal seeming in your view with less past entanglements still lurking and he could also cheat on you. *The part that i bolded in his statement to you (ps better to do these talks in person vs over message) is interesting. If you started your relationship while they were still technically together, that's a common thing to not really have security that the other person won't cheat. A relationship born out of cheating usually is a good provider of that insecurity; and yes does favor often it happening again. If you are insecure, definitely don't choose situations that will enhance that trait. Sorry, you need to let something go--either the nitpicking or the guy. Good luck Well it’s multiple things, as I said before I’m just uncomfortable with my partner having an intimate friendship with his ex. I voiced that early on and he said he would cross that bridge when we got serious and handle it. So I feel that I was duped into investing my feelings into this now that the time has come and he has had zero empathy for handling it poorly. Again, why are my feelings less important than hers? I’m not sure why the ex and him are “figuring” anything out as if I have nothing to do with it here then later states he picked me over her? I just feel a bit betrayed on some level. Like I’m one part of his life and she’s another and I don’t want to share even though he claims there’s literally nothing there and her texts he showed me explicitly said she only wants to be “best friends” and nothing more. I asked him if she reached out but he was “going to tell me”. Edited June 3, 2020 by TaintedLuv
ExpatInItaly Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 1 hour ago, TaintedLuv said: “XGF and I are figuring out the change in dynamic of our relationship and there’s no shot of us being back together. She has been my best friend and confidant here for the last 5 years. We haven’t been romantic for a long time or intimate. But we’ve always leaned on each other. So I didn’t know how to tell her w/o there being someone potentially upset. I owed it to you to make sure she knew and I owed it to her. I was trying to figure out the best way to do it. Seriously, you’re over analyzing things makes transparency difficult bc you always take things and run a negative direction. That needs to stop. I would not waste my time with a guy who has any sort of "figuring out" to do with an ex. They're still too emotionally entangled. He's going to be hard-pressed to find any woman that would be comfortable with their degree of involvement with each other. Sorry. I would cut my losses and leave them to figure out their new dynamic on their own. You're the third wheel in the ongoing saga of their breakup. 3
Versacehottie Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 4 minutes ago, TaintedLuv said: Well it’s multiple things, as I said before I’m just uncomfortable with my partner having an intimate friendship with his ex. I voiced that early on and he said he would cross that bridge when we got serious and handle it. So I feel that I was duped into investing my feelings into this now that the time has come and he has had zero empathy for handling it poorly. Again, why are my feelings less important than hers? I’m not sure why the ex and him are “figuring” anything out as if I have nothing to do with it here then later states he picked me over her? I just feel a bit betrayed on some level. Like I’m one part of his life and she’s another and I don’t want to share even though he claims there’s literally nothing there and her texts he showed me explicitly said she only wants to be “best friends” and nothing more. I asked him if she reached out but he was “going to tell me”. Well, on that I would agree. I would expect that them being "best friends' would impact the two of you being "best friends/bf-gf" and that would be a problem. But I agree with him that two months in, it's not really your place to have a say. Obviously, you may be at that point but he is not. I also feel like you are possibly interpreting things with a negative bias just like he said and he feels like there's nothing he could do that will satisfy you. I'm getting that feeling a bit. And it's very common with people that have an insecurity about their relationships. It's a bottomless pit. I bolded the statements that indicate that to me if you read between the lines. He's already showing you that he is not going to be controlled by you. He "did" the work of telling her but didn't feel the need to gleefully get back to you and report it, like he's checking in with his keeper. In a way, he's digging his heels in for his autonomy. You are kind of trampling on it TBH. I would agree that you are taking a subject to the nth degree, with "why are your feelings less important than hers"---you are kind of forgetting this: why are your feelings more important than HIS? You are hyper-focused on this ex and going to blow it with him. He may or may not be worthy of a relationship with you, that idk and can't tell from what you've wrote. The overwhelming theme is that you are jealous and insecure and he cannot do much to satisfy you. So two months in, you should probably let him go but I have a feeling you won't do that. Because you want to 'possess". You didn't really answer the question of what their status was when you started dating? So what was it? 2
poppyfields Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I would not waste my time with a guy who has any sort of "figuring out" to do with an ex. Agree and I would also suggest you not waste time "figuring out" how he feels, how they feel, what's happening between them, just walk away and leave them to it. You seem quite in touch with your own feelings about it, so you know what to do. Be thankful you only invested two months. 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted June 3, 2020 Author Posted June 3, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Well, on that I would agree. I would expect that them being "best friends' would impact the two of you being "best friends/bf-gf" and that would be a problem. But I agree with him that two months in, it's not really your place to have a say. Obviously, you may be at that point but he is not. I also feel like you are possibly interpreting things with a negative bias just like he said and he feels like there's nothing he could do that will satisfy you. I'm getting that feeling a bit. And it's very common with people that have an insecurity about their relationships. It's a bottomless pit. I bolded the statements that indicate that to me if you read between the lines. He's already showing you that he is not going to be controlled by you. He "did" the work of telling her but didn't feel the need to gleefully get back to you and report it, like he's checking in with his keeper. In a way, he's digging his heels in for his autonomy. You are kind of trampling on it TBH. I would agree that you are taking a subject to the nth degree, with "why are your feelings less important than hers"---you are kind of forgetting this: why are your feelings more important than HIS? You are hyper-focused on this ex and going to blow it with him. He may or may not be worthy of a relationship with you, that idk and can't tell from what you've wrote. The overwhelming theme is that you are jealous and insecure and he cannot do much to satisfy you. So two months in, you should probably let him go but I have a feeling you won't do that. Because you want to 'possess". You didn't really answer the question of what their status was when you started dating? So what was it? They broke up in the fall and they remained friendly. They were still hanging out but his mom was staying with him due to being a covid risk so he had not seen her in a couple of months but I imagine they spoke daily (who knows still do?). As far as I’m concerned, once you say ILY, the amount of time isn’t relevant. Hes the one that said if were still dating in two three months then he’d address my issue with the ex. He didn’t do it directly and now he’s made me insecure based on HOW he handled it. And he didn’t actually tell her about me. He posted our picture on social media and she unfollowed him and he then said he had to “handle it when she calms down”. It’s only now that everything has come to light since she found out- wasn’t told. All I personally needed was their pictures hugging and such out of my sight and for him to ACKNOWLEDGE “hey this is bothering the woman I claim to be madly in love with so let’s scale down our friendship” so however possessive or obsessive I may be coming off. It’s not all on me. He set that tone and expectation then mishandled it based on the ASSUMPTION he’d lose her or she’d so so upset over him moving on while she ended up being upset that he didn’t tell her as they’re such good friends. I did offer to meet her when/if I ever became ready if he really feels the need to continue being her friend but once I slept on it, I immediately regretted saying so. Someone in the thread mentioned that how I’m feeling is how I feeling and it’s possible nothing will change that since things transpired the way they did. Edited June 3, 2020 by TaintedLuv
ExpatInItaly Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 I don't think you're being possessive. I think you're correctly identifying their lingering feelings and involvement with each other. This guy isn't ready for a committed relationship with another woman. He's still prioritizing his ex's feelings too much. 3
Mystery4u Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 I once did what you boyfriend did. Deactivated my whole FB account after a break up as it felt 'wrong' to delete all the pictures of me and my ex and all of her family and friends I had met. At least that's what I tried to tell myself, that it was just easier. Truth was I was nowhere near over her and still cared about her too much. Your boyfriend is not over her regardless of what he says. Even if they were best friends for 5 years, she's the past, you are the present. Yes its sad to say goodbye to someone you made memories with, but that's life. They made that choice. You already know he puts her feelings ahead of yours. Find someone else who appreciates you for you and matches your expectations. 1
poppyfields Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 (edited) Again Tainted you know what to do. So take a deep breath and do it. No dramatics, just a simple text saying you're not comfortable with the situation and have chosen to move on. Best of luck, take care.. That's really all there is to it. You're not asking him to stop being friends with her, you're not whining how he's putting her feelings above yours. You simply wish him well and walk away with head high knowing you did what was best for YOU. You might be surprised how empowered you feel after sending it, it's very freeing. Edited June 3, 2020 by poppyfields 3
simpycurious Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 ^^^^ Super post and super advice Empowering oneself is beyond gratifying 1
kendahke Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 6 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: You know exactly where it stands and that I chose you over her. Except he hasn't. 6 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: XGF and I Xgf and I nothing. She's his ex. He didn't take any time to be on his own out of a relationship so that all of this was resolved and pulled out by the roots before he took up with you and because he's still emotionally conflicted; he's doing the 'best defense is a good offense' tactic with you. As that saying goes "If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table". He's pounding the table, OP. The fact that he hasn't told his so called best friend that he's in a new relationship with someone he's claiming he loves says everything you need to know. The fact that he went running after her when she saw your pictures on social media instead of letting her run to a therapist to get over it says a lot, too. He's not emotionally done with her despite all this hot air he's blowing around. The guilty always make the most noise. Quote Seriously, you’re over analyzing things makes transparency difficult bc you always take things and run a negative direction. You aren't over-analyzing anything. He's being messy, he wasn't ready to enter into a new relationship, his ex's feelings have more priority than yours do and he wants convenient sex on his terms and those terms are he gets to drag around his ex baggage in your relationship.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 I don't know about "should be" (insecure), but if you're getting a vibe...I say go with your gut. I've known guys who stayed friends with their exes and it really did feel like that: just friends. Other times...you can kind of just tell it's more than that, and all that happens when you keep asking the boyfriend is you keep getting "we're just friends" and you realize you're starting to sound really insecure...and things just fall apart. My husband is friends with a woman he used to sleep with plus a woman he had a serious crush on, his first major crush of his life. I get NO vibe from either that there's anything untoward going on, and that's not because I had to ask or anything; I didn't. OTOH I knew when he talked about another more recent ex that he definitely wasn't over her (though those two didn't really remain good friends). I don't think it's always paranoia to get that vibe. Ultimately it's up to you. If you feel this way about any guy having a friend he used to date then okay...maybe it's you. But if not, maybe you should be backing off a little. It's a tough call.
Miss Spider Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 If a guy is over an ex he will prioritize YOU and YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Not her. He's not over her, period. 4
Versacehottie Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 23 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: They broke up in the fall and they remained friendly. They were still hanging out but his mom was staying with him due to being a covid risk so he had not seen her in a couple of months but I imagine they spoke daily (who knows still do?). As far as I’m concerned, once you say ILY, the amount of time isn’t relevant. Hes the one that said if were still dating in two three months then he’d address my issue with the ex. He didn’t do it directly and now he’s made me insecure based on HOW he handled it. And he didn’t actually tell her about me. He posted our picture on social media and she unfollowed him and he then said he had to “handle it when she calms down”. It’s only now that everything has come to light since she found out- wasn’t told. All I personally needed was their pictures hugging and such out of my sight and for him to ACKNOWLEDGE “hey this is bothering the woman I claim to be madly in love with so let’s scale down our friendship” so however possessive or obsessive I may be coming off. It’s not all on me. He set that tone and expectation then mishandled it based on the ASSUMPTION he’d lose her or she’d so so upset over him moving on while she ended up being upset that he didn’t tell her as they’re such good friends. I did offer to meet her when/if I ever became ready if he really feels the need to continue being her friend but once I slept on it, I immediately regretted saying so. Someone in the thread mentioned that how I’m feeling is how I feeling and it’s possible nothing will change that since things transpired the way they did. Bolded is so weird. Sorry, just honest. So if you were dating, first few dates, that means either you indicated or kept indicating there was something that bothered you about her, which certainly wasn't you place at that time (INSECURITY, founded or unfounded idk but creates a dynamic that you can now not get out of). OR if he said it out of the blue, unsolicited, completely sounds like a total REBOUND. Maybe that should have been your red flag 2-3 months ago. If you ignored it, it's just a mistake and you can at least address it now. No matter anyone's perspective and interpretation of what is going on, we are all pretty much telling you to let him go. I don't feel like you can really do that or you would have. I'm of the opinion that the majority of problems between couples are things they BOTH contribute to, ie he's rebounding and you are ignoring or mishandling your insecurities brought to you by this relationship (or perhaps always there idk). You are taking the ILY as "real", when it's actions over words is what really matters (he could have thrown it out there because he's on the rebound). Also no matter what, people express their values of how they see a relationship being differently. As far as him not "doing it directly", you are nitpicking again. It's done and she knows--see what i mean about an insecure person never being satisfied and it being a black hole? Also you just need to face the very real fact that THIS is the man you say you love, character flaws and all--he's not confrontational, handles things differently than you respect and is still entangled with his ex. The photos are out of your sight and for that matter out of everyone's sight since he's quit FB. It's not all on you, but you need to face what your real next step would be then, ie break up with him. I actually said gather more info and you should approach your end of things differently. So that the inputs you are putting into this relationship are better. But it seems like you are letting this overwhelm everything else you guys have. I'm sure you thought of this because I can tell he's at his limit with you harping on about this but maybe he just deleted the FB so he can resurrect the whole thing if you guys don't last, meaning he's on the edge of that.. Rather than delete the individual pictures. I don't want this to be fuel for you to go in on him again about the individual photos but you can take it as informative of possibly where your guy is at and how he handles things. You are looking for an expression of his love that might not be how he expresses it--if you really believe he loves you. Let's assume he does, at a certain point, you need to accept that he will show it in his way, not the way you force him too. Bolded 2nd, you are still looking for guarantees, which there aren't really in relationships. Guess that is why you are feeling such angst and insecurity. You have tons of red flags going but you are ignoring in order to hang onto this man. There's a thing of where you have to decide if red flags are justified or not justified and if you personally are capable of handling who this person is in your life. I just think you may not be calibrated to withstand who he is and brings to the table and who you are and bring to the table. You are conflicted. You will feel better when you choose a path. Edited June 4, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
poppyfields Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 Tainted, will you keep us updated on what you intend to do? Or have done? I hope your decision is to walk away but course you need to do what's best for you. Best of luck. 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted June 4, 2020 Author Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Versacehottie said: Bolded is so weird. Sorry, just honest. So if you were dating, first few dates, that means either you indicated or kept indicating there was something that bothered you about her, which certainly wasn't you place at that time (INSECURITY, founded or unfounded idk but creates a dynamic that you can now not get out of). OR if he said it out of the blue, unsolicited, completely sounds like a total REBOUND. Maybe that should have been your red flag 2-3 months ago. If you ignored it, it's just a mistake and you can at least address it now. No matter anyone's perspective and interpretation of what is going on, we are all pretty much telling you to let him go. I don't feel like you can really do that or you would have. I'm of the opinion that the majority of problems between couples are things they BOTH contribute to, ie he's rebounding and you are ignoring or mishandling your insecurities brought to you by this relationship (or perhaps always there idk). You are taking the ILY as "real", when it's actions over words is what really matters (he could have thrown it out there because he's on the rebound). Also no matter what, people express their values of how they see a relationship being differently. As far as him not "doing it directly", you are nitpicking again. It's done and she knows--see what i mean about an insecure person never being satisfied and it being a black hole? Also you just need to face the very real fact that THIS is the man you say you love, character flaws and all--he's not confrontational, handles things differently than you respect and is still entangled with his ex. The photos are out of your sight and for that matter out of everyone's sight since he's quit FB. It's not all on you, but you need to face what your real next step would be then, ie break up with him. I actually said gather more info and you should approach your end of things differently. So that the inputs you are putting into this relationship are better. But it seems like you are letting this overwhelm everything else you guys have. I'm sure you thought of this because I can tell he's at his limit with you harping on about this but maybe he just deleted the FB so he can resurrect the whole thing if you guys don't last, meaning he's on the edge of that.. Rather than delete the individual pictures. I don't want this to be fuel for you to go in on him again about the individual photos but you can take it as informative of possibly where your guy is at and how he handles things. You are looking for an expression of his love that might not be how he expresses it--if you really believe he loves you. Let's assume he does, at a certain point, you need to accept that he will show it in his way, not the way you force him too. Bolded 2nd, you are still looking for guarantees, which there aren't really in relationships. Guess that is why you are feeling such angst and insecurity. You have tons of red flags going but you are ignoring in order to hang onto this man. There's a thing of where you have to decide if red flags are justified or not justified and if you personally are capable of handling who this person is in your life. I just think you may not be calibrated to withstand who he is and brings to the table and who you are and bring to the table. You are conflicted. You will feel better when you choose a path. Thanks for taking the time to post all of that! I’ve already gone through every scenario. Ie him not deleting pix and deactivated an account that can be reactivated. My voicing my discomfort with respect to it being early on was merely expressing that’s something that I wouldn’t like with him or anyone else. We’re getting to know each other so I’m going to tell someone where my boundaries would be should we get into something serious which. He didn’t delete his IG and supposedly deleted the pix and can’t seem them but I can so whatever. I give up on that front ! She removed him anyway. I think he’s just totally clueless in which will make us incompatible in the end. He has a lot of great qualities. And aside from this nonsense. No one has ever treated me so well IN MY LIFE. We spoke about it yesterday because I wanted to make sure he understands where I’m at. He explained that they were talking everyday. She’s depressed. She’s alone during covid and he was the only one hanging out with her since her family was worried and again, she’s “important” and he’s not gonna tell a friend of five years to “f*ck off” over a two month relationship. I never told him to do that. But why are you talking to another woman daily while I take up a ton of your time. I said that I didn’t think it was normal and he responded “well for me it is”. I told him I’m not comfortable with my partner having an intimate friendship with a woman and a woman he’s been romantic with and I’m not giving him any ultimatums and if I feel that he’s not doing the right thing then I’ll just do what I need to do. To me, they absolutely have no boundaries because they’ve never needed them. They broke up and continued as if they were still together without the physical aspect of it so she never moved on and he eventually met someone which gets him into this situation. It’s not nitpicking. He should’ve just told her when it started to manage both of our expectations. As far as I’m concerned, him speaking to her daily while having a gf is basically having two gfs. He can’t be her support system while being mine. It’s strange. He doesn’t get that. I guarantee that if he wasn’t so involved in her daily life as “best friends”, she’d already be with someone. If they haven’t been intimate in two years then clearly the physical doesn’t matter to her so she still got to keep him. Why would she bother finding someone else? I’ve lost a lot of sleep over this when it couldn’t be approached totally different but I’ve decided to let it go for now and focus on us and reassess how I feel in a few weeks and also see what he does. It may go against what I’m feeling but I also don’t want to wonder what if. Edited June 4, 2020 by TaintedLuv 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted June 4, 2020 Author Posted June 4, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: Tainted, will you keep us updated on what you intend to do? Or have done? I hope your decision is to walk away but course you need to do what's best for you. Best of luck. Thanks poppy! I’m still not feeling “at peace” but I’m going to table it for the time being because it’s really taking away from us enjoying each other. I’m just being cautious and seeing what happens. Im really feeling split down the middle between breaking up and giving him a chance to make me feel like we’re solid. It’s probably not what most people would do but I also want to be sure that I don’t regret it. Of course my peace of mind isn’t worth putting myself through something that’s keeping me up at night but we’re different people and people live their lives how they see fit especially when they’re single. There’s either going to be a compromise or I break things off. I understand where he’s coming from but there are definitely some flags here in his thought process. Edited June 4, 2020 by TaintedLuv
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 On 6/3/2020 at 12:37 AM, deepthinking said: "He keeps asking if I want him to cut her out of his life and I’m not going to ask that" He has offered to end it. Do not help her out. Let him end it. This puts her in an unfair position, though. He'll let her "make" him get rid of the ex and then later decide she's controlling. Why can't be just do it instead of "making her make him" do it, KWIM? The more I read of tjos, the more it really does sound like he's hung up on this ex...
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 4, 2020 Posted June 4, 2020 3 minutes ago, TaintedLuv said: Thanks poppy! I’m still not feeling “at peace” but I’m going to table it for the time being because it’s really taking away from us enjoying each other. I’m just being cautious and seeing what happens. Im really feeling split down the middle between breaking up and giving him a chance to make me feel like we’re solid. It’s probably not what most people would do but I also want to be sure that I don’t regret it. Of course my peace of mind isn’t worth putting myself through something that’s keeping me up at night but we’re different people and people live their lives how they see fit especially when they’re single. There’s either going to be a compromise or I break things off. I'm so sorry. But you're doing the right thing, IMO.
Recommended Posts