Am I being insecure ?

[TaintedLuv]

I’ve read a lot of varying opinions on staying friends with an ex bf/gf. My new bf of two months was in a relationship for four years prior to us meeting. They’ve been broken up since last fall but he claims theyre “best friends” and she’s important to him and he doesn’t want to lose her as he cares about her. She cared for him during a tough time in his life. 

This isn’t something that sits well with me. I don’t think it’s appropriate when you have a new partner to continue ties with a former. His social media was littered with their photos, albeit most were old. He said he didn’t want to offend her because she’s such a great friend by deleting them. (One was a close up of her rack.)

At the end of the day, I don’t want to see my bf with his arms around another woman or commentary like “my handsome man”. He claims he broke things off because he didn’t want to marry her but I can only assume she still has feelings for him and he’s clueless or keeping her on the back burner in case. 
 

I asked him to delete their pictures so instead he deleted his entire Facebook account because he didn’t want to be “bothered” sifting through everything and only deleted some pictures of IG like selfies in bed but left others like them out on adventures.  To me it seems like he doesn’t want to let go and she didn’t know about me at all this entire time. How are they “friends”. He said he doesn’t ask about her love life and the same on her end. He wanted to tell her about us directly instead of her finding out via social media and getting upset? which gives me the impression there’s something there. If you’re just friends, shouldn’t she be happy for him?  He said he was distancing himself so he decided he wasn’t going to bother telling her but when I asked, they were in contact just a few days ago. When I noticed he didn’t delete the remaining pictures I said he needs to post us together if he claims this is legitimate so he did and she immediately unfollowed him. That to me says there was something else there. I’ve been really upset since I have this uneasy feeling about them but I’m also sabotaging my relationship. He told me he loved me pretty early on and said I’m the only one and she’s like family but it doesn’t sit well with me. When I asked if she reached out him after he posted our photo, he didn’t even know she unfollowed him and he was visibly upset and said he’ll have to “handle” it when she calms down. Again, why do her feelings matter more than mine?  I have very strong feelings for him but I don’t know how to calm myself over this issue. 

Edited June 2, 2020 by TaintedLuv

[d0nnivain]

You can't have "very strong feelings" for somebody you have only known for 60 days.  I'm sure it's intense but remember dating is a try out.  In 2 months you have learned that your new BF is hung up on his EX GF.  He didn't end his relationship with her because he fell out of love.  It ended by her choice, because she wanted more then he was willing to give.  This "friendship" is them staying connected until he grows up & is ready to commit to her.   You are at best a place holder.  Sorry . 

[Versacehottie]

I agree with donnivain that it doesn't look good at all what his intentions or feelings for her are or hers for him.  That said, you are only two months in with each other.  Another perspective on the FB thing is that social media is causing him problems in his relationship and personal aggravation, thus he deleted the whole thing vs individual posts that you don't want on there.  I have to agree to some of the logic with that cause you shouldn't micromanage how he chooses to resolve that problem.    The fact that it indicates his real feelings toward her is something that making him do it the way you want won't change that he is feeling that way. It's his life and you've only been in it two months (honestly even if it was two years), it's his choice to just delete the whole thing and you are nitpicking.  

While you don't know for sure the outcomes and intentions of your bf and his ex, the one thing you can control is not to do things that will sabotage or wreck the relationship you could be having. You can also gather information and how it makes you feel and make your own decision about whether or not this is a good investment of your relationship energy RATHER than try to control or monitor a person into being with you.  Most certainly that usually is more likely to drive the person away. 

Edited June 2, 2020 by Versacehottie

[TaintedLuv]

18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You can't have "very strong feelings" for somebody you have only known for 60 days.  I'm sure it's intense but remember dating is a try out.  In 2 months you have learned that your new BF is hung up on his EX GF.  He didn't end his relationship with her because he fell out of love.  It ended by her choice, because she wanted more then he was willing to give.  This "friendship" is them staying connected until he grows up & is ready to commit to her.   You are at best a place holder.  Sorry . 

He said they hadn’t even been intimate for over a year. He’s 36 and she’s 24 so he didn’t see a future with a much younger person and they had broken up at least once before.  He’s also already met my parents and talked about the future often. Yes sixty days is not much time but we’ve also spent a ton of time talking and one and one time with the pandemic and not being able to do much else.  I don’t disagree with some of what you said but if he wanted to be with her, he would be. Idk...

Edited June 2, 2020 by TaintedLuv

[d0nnivain]

18 minutes ago, TaintedLuv said:

 but if he wanted to be with her, he would be. Idk...

Not if she said marry me or else.  

[TaintedLuv]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Not if she said marry me or else.  

That’s not really the story he told. He said it wasn’t going anywhere so he ended it. Now I’m just so far in my head with this and I don’t know how to let it go.  I’ve been hurt a lot so I’m very protective of my heart but I also don’t want to lose a good guy at the same time. 

[stillafool]

Well he's certainly holding on to her and making it clear he isn't going to stop.  He may not have seen a future with a younger woman then; but a lot of over 30 men are now looking for girls in their early-mid 20s.  Please don't get hung up on the meeting the parents thing.  Since he won't stop talking and caring about her there isn't much you can do to relieve your anxiety over this.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, TaintedLuv said:

That’s not really the story he told. He said it wasn’t going anywhere so he ended it. Now I’m just so far in my head with this and I don’t know how to let it go.  I’ve been hurt a lot so I’m very protective of my heart but I also don’t want to lose a good guy at the same time. 

Did he say where he wanted it to go?  How long were they together?

Edited June 2, 2020 by stillafool

[d0nnivain]

You can't lose somebody you never had.  Again when you have these kinds of problems this early on it's better to cut your losses.  

[smackie9]

I know you are fighting this, but it is what it is. You can't paint a turd gold to make a gold brick. He is rebounding....throwing himself into a relationship to heal from the breakup...he's got no business starting a relationship when he is still so emotionally tied to his ex......he's got a death grip on his feelings for her.

Cut your losses. He's not for real. He's not in love with you, he's still in love with her. Big red flag.

[Calmandfocused]

Op he’s disrespecting you and you know it. All these excuses are just that. He has no valid reason to be in touch with his ex never mind “friends” and you know that too. 
 

He cares very little about what you feel and is very preoccupied with how she feels. This screams a thousand words. 

Op you’re in the honey moon, loved up stage but you need to know that what he’s saying to you isn’t the truth. It can’t be. His actions tell a very different story. 
 

I think he’s trying very hard to move on from her by being with you but he just can’t. His heart still belongs to her. 

 

I’m sorry Op 
 

 

 

Edited June 2, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[Miss Spider]

22 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I know you are fighting this, but it is what it is. You can't paint a turd gold to make a gold brick. He is rebounding....throwing himself into a relationship to heal from the breakup...he's got no business starting a relationship when he is still so emotionally tied to his ex......he's got a death grip on his feelings for her.

Cut your losses. He's not for real. He's not in love with you, he's still in love with her. Big red flag.

You’re awesome, smackie

Edited June 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

I may not be able to put it as eloquently as smackie, but problem here is you’re trying to modify his behavior without it being what HE really wants.  You sense something wrong, probably for good reasons, and you’re trying to make him do stuff to prove you’re wrong about that.  Those are his memories/old posts and nothing inherently wrong with them except you sense it’s not really over for him. Not surprised he is not deleting them. He doesn’t want to get rid of the spank bank material I’d bet. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Despite what he says about being over her, he isn't. And you have no idea if his version of what happened during their relationship is accurate. 

Something is left there, on both her and his end, and he isn't ready to cut the cord completely. If he were, he wouldn't have danced around the idea of letting her know he was dating someone. He doesn't want to upset her because he doesn't want her to go away completely. 

Sorry, OP. It doesn't bode well. 

[NeverDoneLearning]

I'm GOOD friends with one of my Ex's. People will say what they want to say about that and I've gotten used to it. That being said, I'm not going to sit here and advocate for it because I know not everyone has that ability. The things that I see that don't line up with me (me being in your boyfriend's position) is I do not hide my personal relationships from my ex/friend. He is my friend and knows all the things my other friends know. I know he wouldn't be offended if I removed pictures of him or if I post others with my current BF. I don't have to "break" anything to him and it doesn't make us nervous or jealous to talk about our separate unattached lives or relationships. If anything he's the LAST person that I'd have to worry about reacting poorly.

That doesn't seem to be the case with your BF. That being said, you demanding him to erase his "friend" is a tough position to be in. Anyone who "demands" I stop talking to someone in my life gets an automatic red flag. If you don't like me the way you found me then move along. If you don't like him the way you found him, it's not your right nor your responsibility to change this person. IF he says one thing but demonstrates another then that's your answer. If he prefers one way and you prefer another, that's your answer. If you're in a place that makes you nervous or unhappy and he can't change that for you (not his job in the first place) that's your answer. Your happiness is your responsibility not his. Don't wait for people. Find someone who is ready and has ideals that line up with yours. 

[TaintedLuv]

15 minutes ago, NeverDoneLearning said:

That doesn't seem to be the case with your BF. That being said, you demanding him to erase his "friend" is a tough position to be in. Anyone who "demands" I stop talking to someone in my life gets an automatic red flag. If you don't like me the way you found me then move along. If you don't like him the way you found him, it's not your right nor your responsibility to change this person. IF he says one thing but demonstrates another then that's your answer. If he prefers one way and you prefer another, that's your answer. If you're in a place that makes you nervous or unhappy and he can't change that for you (not his job in the first place) that's your answer. Your happiness is your responsibility not his. Don't wait for people. Find someone who is ready and has ideals that line up with yours. 

I didn’t demand. Initially when we were getting to first know each other, he mentioned they were close but it wasn’t my place to get bent over it but I did say that I was uncomfortable with it and his response was if we got serious then he’d do whatever to make me happy. He keeps asking if I want him to cut her out of his life and I’m not going to ask that but I said the pictures bothered me and I didn’t want to see him with his arms around another woman that he’s still close with, etc.  All he had to do was remove them and I probably would’ve let it go but he didn’t and he didn’t also unfollow her when she did him so it has festered even more. I don’t want to keep bringing it up. I’m not jealous. I just want to be sure I’m not getting played in the end. 

Edited June 2, 2020 by TaintedLuv

[NeverDoneLearning]

1 hour ago, TaintedLuv said:

I didn’t demand. Initially when we were getting to first know each other, he mentioned they were close but it wasn’t my place to get bent over it but I did say that I was uncomfortable with it and his response was if we got serious then he’d do whatever to make me happy. He keeps asking if I want him to cut her out of his life and I’m not going to ask that but I said the pictures bothered me and I didn’t want to see him with his arms around another woman that he’s still close with, etc.  All he had to do was remove them and I probably would’ve let it go but he didn’t and he didn’t also unfollow her when she did him so it has festered even more. I don’t want to keep bringing it up. I’m not jealous. I just want to be sure I’m not getting played in the end. 

He mentioned it right away. The exact approach I also take with my ex/friend. If you thought that was weird or uncomfortable at that point you knew it would be months down the road as well. If you accept (stayed even though you expressed it was uncomfortable) it at first you can't change your mind later and assume he will follow suit. Is it possible he said that because he didn't see it to be a problem now so it wasn't something he would have to worry about later? Aside from being a bit uncomfortable with it, you stuck around and didn't say it was a deal breaker. Maybe you didn't think it was at the time.

You may not have "asked that" (cutting her out of his life) but that's what you're demonstrating isn't it? Most people know not to straight out say "I want you to cut this person out of your life" (unfollowing someones social media is an example of that.) but having conflict with his hesitation around placing this person where YOU think she should be demonstrates that's what you want even though you know better than to say it. My guess is you won't be happy with ANY communication especially after getting to the point you're at now. It's bigger than a couple pics on IG or FB and I'd imagine his hesitation is because while of course he cares about your feelings he probably doesn't want to destroy his other lesser but obviously important relationships and in an healthy relationship, he shouldn't have to. If it hasn't yet it seems inevitable this may become a "pick me or them" ultimatum type scenario. My experience with ultimatum situations is if you've gotten to that point it's already too late. Also, to give that ultimatum means you've got to be ready to follow through and show you aren't messing around.. but by doing that it's too late for them to learn that lesson. 

We ALL want to make sure that we aren't being played in the end. The tough part is there is no sure way to do that. We must trust or we must leave. We must find peace in things and in our people or we must leave and find better things for ourselves. You are responsible for your own happiness. If he isn't doing his part for WHATEVER reason then he's got some things to figure out before he can be that for you and you have to decide if you're willing to support and wait for that.

[Fox Sake]

5 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:I’m very protective of my heart but I also don’t want to lose a good guy at the same time. 

He might be a good guy, but he’s not a ready guy. Protect your heart. 
 

I don’t know anyone who is “best friends” with their ex.  
I’m civil to all of mine bar a few. 

I don’t think that should be the excuse you break up with tho. The reason should be because he clearly isn’t ready. 

The person you really love is usually your best friend too. 
 

 

[Fox Sake]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I know you are fighting this, but it is what it is. You can't paint a turd gold to make a gold brick. He is rebounding....throwing himself into a relationship to heal from the breakup...he's got no business starting a relationship when he is still so emotionally tied to his ex......he's got a death grip on his feelings for her.

Cut your losses. He's not for real. He's not in love with you, he's still in love with her. Big red flag.

This right here is the whole truth , and nothing but the truth. Well said. 

[Versacehottie]

29 minutes ago, NeverDoneLearning said:

We ALL want to make sure that we aren't being played in the end. The tough part is there is no sure way to do that. We must trust or we must leave. We must find peace in things and in our people or we must leave and find better things for ourselves. You are responsible for your own happiness. If he isn't doing his part for WHATEVER reason then he's got some things to figure out before he can be that for you and you have to decide if you're willing to support and wait for that.

Totally agree.  It's a calculated risk.  You take the information you are presented with from a person and see if it makes sense logically and emotionally that things will turn out the way you want and that you minimize risk and hurt to yourself.  There is never a guarantee but you can bet on the person that provides you the least amount of risk and does things to build trust.

I'm not sure that you have enough info yet, OP to make this decision.  And no one has a crystal ball to say for sure what will happen.  The thing is a relationship is a fluid thing and the INPUT you contribute will also affect the outcome.  You can still observe and make sure how you handle it is the way you would ideally. (i'd suggest not insecurely, not controlling, confidence to know you will be fine either way).  I know several people who played this right and are WITH the person from handling it correctly. I know tons who handled poorly and lost the person, not necessarily to the "ex", actually that percentage was relatively small that did go back to the ex.  Two of the girls I'm thinking of off the top of my head, both said to their guy who WAS NOT COMMITTED FULLY and had unfinished business, gathered enough information to say that to the guy and walked away with grace.  Both guys came back to the new relationship with a clear and ready state and great appreciation for these girls. As far as what the guys did with the time they were broken up, one guy went back to the ex to see it to the end.  It was just what he needed to do in order to move on.  He did that ended up in the same place but with clarity and a feeling of being able to move on and asked for a chance with my friend.  She didn't attach much fatality at the time she'd let him go and was fine giving him another chance. The other guy, did not go back to his ex, but did sort himself out to the point that he was genuinely ready to start a relationship with my friend.There is definitely something to be said for understanding another person or attempting to and not doing things on arbitrary and only your own timelines--and that is not to discount that if someone isn't being honest, you should factor that into your decision making. You definitely don't want to just give blatant passes to people.  It's a fine tuning thing where same as always, the only person you can rely on is yourself.  And the more confident that you will be fine either way, the easier it is to do this.  It kind of just becomes, do I want to explore this or not?

[kendahke]

6 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:

If you’re just friends, shouldn’t she be happy for him?

6 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:

My new bf of two months was in a relationship for four years prior to us meeting. They’ve been broken up since last fall

Quote

he broke things off because he didn’t want to marry her

If you were her and he broke up with you for that reason, would you be happy for him?  Be honest.  You wouldn't. Not this soon.

You are the rebound relationship. His distraction from his bad feelings on how he treated her.  You distract him from processing his feelings and that's why he's still holding onto her and giving her this much access to his intimacy.

The fact that he's more invested in smoothing the waters over with her for posting pictures of you and him than he is just cutting the line and letting her drift should tell you everything. 

They've still got unfinished business that you walked in on. Anyone holding on for dear life to that relationship like he is isn't over her.

You'd do well to stop investing in this. You're going to be the one who ends up hurt. 

Your relationship is in the space where the "on their best behavior" representatives are being dismissed and the real him/real you are coming to the fore---and the real him ain't done with his ex, not by a long shot if he's doing all this.

Proceed at your own emotional peril.

[kendahke]

6 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:

He said they hadn’t even been intimate for over a year. He’s 36 and she’s 24 so he didn’t see a future with a much younger person and they had broken up at least once before.  

sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are two completely different animals.

emotional intimacy is way more harmful because you can't climb up in his head and direct traffic--and he's thinking of her way more than you appreciate-even with you laying in bed right beside him.

The way he's acting is that he's still emotionally intimate with her and is prepared to salvage and maintain that intimacy despite you being on the scene. As I said above, you're a time-marking rebound and those relationships don't tend to last.

If he was of the mind to cut her loose, he'd have done it by now and you wouldn't be in doubt and this thread wouldn't be here.

Quote

He’s also already met my parents and talked about the future often.

That's precious. My ex did the same thing. Didn't mean a dang word of it--just talking to hear himself talk.

What is he doing when he's not across the table from your folks?  He's keeping hope alive for his ex and doesn't want to upset her--despite upsetting you.  Know what that means? Her feelings are more important to him than yours are.

Edited June 2, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

He doesn’t want to get rid of the spank bank material I’d bet. 

love it!!!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

7 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:

I’ve read a lot of varying opinions on staying friends with an ex bf/gf. My new bf of two months was in a relationship for four years prior to us meeting. They’ve been broken up since last fall but he claims theyre “best friends” and she’s important to him and he doesn’t want to lose her as he cares about her. She cared for him during a tough time in his life. 

This isn’t something that sits well with me. I don’t think it’s appropriate when you have a new partner to continue ties with a former. His social media was littered with their photos, albeit most were old. He said he didn’t want to offend her because she’s such a great friend by deleting them. (One was a close up of her rack.)

At the end of the day, I don’t want to see my bf with his arms around another woman or commentary like “my handsome man”. He claims he broke things off because he didn’t want to marry her but I can only assume she still has feelings for him and he’s clueless or keeping her on the back burner in case. 
 

I asked him to delete their pictures so instead he deleted his entire Facebook account because he didn’t want to be “bothered” sifting through everything and only deleted some pictures of IG like selfies in bed but left others like them out on adventures.  To me it seems like he doesn’t want to let go and she didn’t know about me at all this entire time. How are they “friends”. He said he doesn’t ask about her love life and the same on her end. He wanted to tell her about us directly instead of her finding out via social media and getting upset? which gives me the impression there’s something there. If you’re just friends, shouldn’t she be happy for him?  He said he was distancing himself so he decided he wasn’t going to bother telling her but when I asked, they were in contact just a few days ago. When I noticed he didn’t delete the remaining pictures I said he needs to post us together if he claims this is legitimate so he did and she immediately unfollowed him. That to me says there was something else there. I’ve been really upset since I have this uneasy feeling about them but I’m also sabotaging my relationship. He told me he loved me pretty early on and said I’m the only one and she’s like family but it doesn’t sit well with me. When I asked if she reached out him after he posted our photo, he didn’t even know she unfollowed him and he was visibly upset and said he’ll have to “handle” it when she calms down. Again, why do her feelings matter more than mine?  I have very strong feelings for him but I don’t know how to calm myself over this issue. 

 

Let me guess: 

 

You're one of those many who blames Facebook  for all of your data and connections being vulnerable in one single place online.

 

You are way too focused on social media, and while it would be nice to secretly *know* whether that woman still wants to be in a relationship with your boyfriend, there isn't much else that matters.

It's rather pointless to fuss over all of this minor stuff without getting to know the truuuuuuuth  about what SHE wishes.

 

Do you even know for SURE that your bf is the one who ended their relationship??  (possibly in simple response to a marriage ultimatum)

 

 

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:

He keeps asking if I want him to cut her out of his life and I’m not going to ask that but I said the pictures bothered me and I didn’t want to see him with his arms around another woman that he’s still close with, etc.  All he had to do was remove them and I probably would’ve let it go but he didn’t and he didn’t also unfollow her when she did him so it has festered even more. I don’t want to keep bringing it up. I’m not jealous. I just want to be sure I’m not getting played in the end. 

See, he shouldn't even be asking you anything about that. You should be enough just as you are for him to open a can of "act right" and cut off communication with her.

He was never going to remove them. And him asking you anything about what he should be already doing is him gathering the ammunition he needs to sink that boat that is your relationship with him. He's making you the bad guy in this by trying to put that on you.