poppyfields Posted June 2, 2020 Posted June 2, 2020 (edited) Grey, it could be so many things. I understand the need to know but you're gonna drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out, you never will. It's really best to try and put it out of your mind, otherwise you risk falling into an obsession, I've seen it happen. Be thankful she was honest and didn't drag it out, or string you along or keep you around as an orbiter. For whatever reason, she lost her attraction, it happens. I doubt you did anything "wrong," these early stages are so precarious, feelings can change on a dime. That's the risk you take when dating, and becoming sexual. I'm sorry. Edited June 2, 2020 by poppyfields 1
chillii Posted June 2, 2020 Posted June 2, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Grey40 said: I then also asked her “was there something I did or said that changed the way you feel? If so I’d really like to know so I don’t repeat the same mistakes and mess things up in the future” her response: “no, there’s just no spark on my end” That's pretty cut and dry as it was in your first post , if she's not feeling it she isn't , full stop. There's nothing you can do about that and she's told you that loud and clear. She's had some fun , used you up a bit, tried ignoring it but it's not working. lf she comes back wanting to play again when she's bored and lonely next time just don't fall for it again keep on walkin , unless you enjoy being an ohhh, he'll do for now.. Edited June 2, 2020 by chillii 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 2, 2020 Posted June 2, 2020 8 hours ago, rjc149 said: A few things are possible. 1. She's getting involved with someone else. 2. You weren't validating her enough, and giving her any emotional ROI (you make it seem like she was primarily validating you, and you were primarily sitting back and enjoying the ride) 3. Conversely, you were being a little too available and perhaps treating the relationship as more than what it was, and this began to make her skittish. 4. She liked the sex but didn’t feel the emotion love connection like in talking or having stuff in coomon 5 she found someone better to boink. Maybe she pushed you to your limit..mat she wants to stop on or tie you to a wall. 6 she background checked you and found flags. 7. Maybe she wanted just bootycalling and you wanted more.
chillii Posted June 2, 2020 Posted June 2, 2020 She's pretty well told him why , spelt it out actually , he's not this not that grow a beard she normally doesn't go for blah blah . 2
Ami1uwant Posted June 2, 2020 Posted June 2, 2020 4 hours ago, Grey40 said: We did also go to the beach together this past weekend, so it’s not like all we did was have sex. We talked on the phone for hours, and I went to a bbq with her and her friends the week before this. So I thought it was pretty obvious that I wasn’t just looking for a fling. It might not have been the sex. She felt you and her had differences so she next-ed you. 1
Author Grey40 Posted June 2, 2020 Author Posted June 2, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, chillii said: She's pretty well told him why , spelt it out actually , he's not this not that grow a beard she normally doesn't go for blah blah . Yeah she definitley made it clear I'm not usually the kind of guy she likes, but she knows the kind of guys she likes are s***ty--usually tattooed losers with crappy jobs or abusive types. She was still really attracted to me, but I'm definitley the more "conventionally" good looking guy--along the likes of a "pretty boy" kind of look--not the rebellious, trashy jacked macho type. Edited June 2, 2020 by Grey40
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 2, 2020 Posted June 2, 2020 She may be pining over somebody/not over somebody...he may have poked his head back into the game...the whole thing with wanting the beard and all that. Sounds like maybe there's somebody who looked like that. You can't compete with an old flame, a first love, or whatever...
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 2, 2020 Posted June 2, 2020 1 minute ago, Grey40 said: Yeah she definitley made it clear I'm not usually the kind of guy she likes, but she knows the kind of guys she likes are s***ty--usually tattooed losers with crappy jobs or abusive types. She was still really attracted to me, but I'm definitley the more "conventionally" good looking guy--along the likes of a "pretty boy" kind of look--not the rebellious, trashy jacked macho type. When did she tell you all this?
Author Grey40 Posted June 2, 2020 Author Posted June 2, 2020 1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said: When did she tell you all this? She didn't really directly tell me this, but I just read into that over time, with comments that she would make, and when she described her ex's. When I first met her online, she told me she's been single because she had a tendency to go after the "bad boys" or guys that don't give her the time of day, and she's over that crap finally, and she wants a guy who she can grow with and will take her seriously who has their s*** together.
Author Grey40 Posted June 2, 2020 Author Posted June 2, 2020 But another big red flag from her is that she has a lot of guy friends, and is also friend's with all her ex's and stays in touch with them from time to time. So it's 100% possible one of theme creeped back into the picture and those feelings started to come back for her. I'm not sure if this kept going I would have been ok with that either, knowing that she's talking to all these guys and is "friends" with them, when they clearly used to like her and probably still do.
rjc149 Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: I wasn't actually implying he will be still waking up at 3am 6 months later but he may do this weekend. Also these blindsided, sudden break-ups of what seem to be great relationships with a potential future can take a bit of time to get over for even the most level headed. I agree, but I think this girl gave a satisfactory, if vague, reason. I feel it's best for him to accept it, and move on.
poppyfields Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 (edited) 31 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: 4. She liked the sex but didn’t feel the emotion love connection like in talking or having stuff in coomon 5 she found someone better to boink. Maybe she pushed you to your limit..mat she wants to stop on or tie you to a wall. 6 she background checked you and found flags. 7. Maybe she wanted just bootycalling and you wanted more. She's an alien from another planet and was called back unexpectedly. It could be ANYTHING. She told you she lost the spark, she could not have been more clear than that. Stop wracking your brain, it only keeps you stuck and prevents you from moving forward. Edited June 3, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author Grey40 Posted June 3, 2020 Author Posted June 3, 2020 2 minutes ago, rjc149 said: I agree, but I think this girl gave a satisfactory, if vague, reason. I feel it's best for him to accept it, and move on. She gave me the only real explanation she could. Whatever the reason, she wasn't going to tell me the truth and say, "oh well, I like this other guy now..." or "You were bad in bed"...so its the easiest way to let me down. And I have accepted it, I don't have any other choice. But, its only natural to wants answers and closure.
simpycurious Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 15 minutes ago, Grey40 said: Yeah she definitley made it clear I'm not usually the kind of guy she likes, but she knows the kind of guys she likes are s***ty--usually tattooed losers with crappy jobs or abusive types. She was still really attracted to me, but I'm definitley the more "conventionally" good looking guy--along the likes of a "pretty boy" kind of look--not the rebellious, trashy jacked macho type. You are not alone Grey......I am tat less as well. Don't think they would match my blonde hair and blue eyes but whatever. You cannot beat yourself up about it. The constant wondering and asking why this or why that is not going to make things better. A close friend of mine got CUT once so he calls me and asks if he should ask the team why they cut him and my answer was "do you really want to know and that it won't make a difference." I think this logic might apply to you. By the way, you will find someone NEW..............
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 13 minutes ago, Grey40 said: But another big red flag from her is that she has a lot of guy friends, and is also friend's with all her ex's and stays in touch with them from time to time. So it's 100% possible one of theme creeped back into the picture and those feelings started to come back for her. I'm not sure if this kept going I would have been ok with that either, knowing that she's talking to all these guys and is "friends" with them, when they clearly used to like her and probably still do. Yeah, so...it sounds like what she's looking for is drama. Circle of guys, positioning herself as "the rebel who wants to turn good" and...blah...blah....blah...blah. How old are you guys? Please tell me 22 at the very most. 1
rjc149 Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 9 minutes ago, Grey40 said: she had a tendency to go after the "bad boys" or guys that don't give her the time of day, and she's over that crap finally, and she wants a guy who she can grow with and will take her seriously who has their s*** together. OP, a lot of times, people will tell you exactly who they are. When they do, listen to them. She's been going for the alpha male bad boys her whole life, and now, she says she wants to settle down with a nice guy who will meet her security/provider needs. But the bad boys keep beckoning. And she'll keep going to them. Trust me, she's not over that crap. She'll still pick him over you in the end. That's just the type she goes for. When a woman tells you "I'm tired of dating jerks and bad boys, I want to date a nice guy who treats me like a queen" -- don't be the chump who treats her like a queen. You'll have more success with her being the bad boy jerk she always goes for. Let some other guy kiss her ass. 1
Miss Spider Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 She did say there was no spark... why is that not valid. It seems like people play so many games these days that even when someone tells the point blank truth they call bs 2
poppyfields Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 3 minutes ago, Grey40 said: She gave me the only real explanation she could. Whatever the reason, she wasn't going to tell me the truth and say, "oh well, I like this other guy now..." or "You were bad in bed"...so its the easiest way to let me down. And I have accepted it, I don't have any other choice. But, its only natural to wants answers and closure. Your closure comes from within yourself, not the person who just dumped you. As for answers, do they really matter? If you have self-confidence, they shouldn't. You accept it, and move forward. 4
Author Grey40 Posted June 3, 2020 Author Posted June 3, 2020 1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Yeah, so...it sounds like what she's looking for is drama. Circle of guys, positioning herself as "the rebel who wants to turn good" and...blah...blah....blah...blah. How old are you guys? Please tell me 22 at the very most. She's 29, I'm 31
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 4 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Your closure comes from within yourself, not the person who just dumped you. As for answers, do they really matter? If you have self-confidence, they shouldn't. You accept it, and move forward. This. There's never "real" closure, because then you can torture yourself..."Was that really true? Or was she just trying to get me to leave her alone? Was she underplaying what was really wrong so she wouldn't hurt me? Could she have changed?" I know it hurts, especially with two months of lots of contact, but this one was bad news from the get-go, Grey. Don't trust the "oh, I 'used to' like X type of guy...but now I like you" women. It's just....kinda bullchit, usually. Because if it's true, then she's setting you up for "oh, I can be 'the one' and it will be amazing" and you'll keep jumping through hoops but always feeling like something's wrong. And if it's not true then she's kind of a drama queen. Never get into a relationship hoping somebody will change, or is 'using you' to help her change... 1
simpycurious Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 13 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: She did say there was no spark... why is that not valid. It seems like people play so many games these days that even when someone tells the point blank truth they call bs I would say that NOT having a SPARK is incredibly valid and could/would influence ANYONE in whether to pursue something with another person or not 1
rjc149 Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 12 minutes ago, Grey40 said: She gave me the only real explanation she could. Whatever the reason, she wasn't going to tell me the truth and say, "oh well, I like this other guy now..." or "You were bad in bed"...so its the easiest way to let me down. And I have accepted it, I don't have any other choice. But, its only natural to wants answers and closure. You'll be wracking your brain "was it this? Was it that? Was it because I'm bad in bed? Not tatted? Not burly? Not tall enough? Not handsome enough?" and no advice to 'move on' is going to stop those questions from coming. But what will help with your wounded confidence is to take your dignity back and remain in no contact. Also, learn about attraction and relationships, and you will be able to shed some light on where you maybe went sideways. Maybe you were being too compliant and submissive? Maybe you let her get away with pushing you too much? Maybe you were being too soft and needy? This is a girl who likes burly, dominant alpha male types who won't put up with her BS -- maybe adopt a few of those traits for yourself. Make sure you learn from this and grow. It will help you move on. 1
rjc149 Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 (edited) 54 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: It might not have been the sex. She felt you and her had differences so she next-ed you. Agreed. OP, women generally don't require earth-shattering sex to be in a relationship. If the relationship is emotionally rewarding for her, she will be satisfied with the sex as long as it's enjoyable for her and at a frequency that meets her need for it. Edited June 3, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
poppyfields Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 (edited) rjc, great posts but don't agree he should adopt qualities SHE likes. Who is she the be-all of what all women like? Lol He could adopt those qualities, but then meet another girl he really likes who does not like those qualities. I do think he needs to work on his self-confidence and self-esteem, but if he's not the burly dominant alpha male type by nature, he'll only come off as awkward, contrived and phony. Edited June 3, 2020 by poppyfields 1
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