What should I do after my boyfriend only said ' Happy birthday' and nothing more?

[smackie9]

When something takes them away from their SO it's not longer a hobby but an addiction.

Tip: when they promise the moon the sun and the stars....it's just talk and should never be taken as a promise. The proof is in their actions not what comes out of their mouth. You got duped. Know your self worth....you are better than this, and you deserve better...he ain't gonna give you better, so you should be kickin his butt to the curb.

Edited June 2, 2020 by smackie9

[justwhoiam]

11 hours ago, raquellexxx said:

But I was reading articles about how addicting is gaming and that most of the boys play games which you can't avoid.

How old is he again? Anyway, be aware that gamers need to be restrained, first by their mothers, then by their partners. As you said, gaming is addictive, so someone needs to keep them in check when they let it go out of hand. Or their real life will be affected. Can you imagine a family where you can't go for an outing together because he's playing games? How healthy is that? Why are articles so influential? It's not that anything holds more value because it appears over the net or on a magazine. There's a lot of trash around.

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Besides, from what I have heard, one can't just toss your game since they have already reached a given level and they gonna lose having you start from the beginning?

Well, that's why there are people who can play for 8 hours straight. Judge by yourself how sustainable that is, long-term.

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I even gave the example of him playing on the times when I am able to talk.

I wouldn't tolerate that. I just had a big fight few weeks ago, because he called me while riding his bike in the open. Of all the time he had during that day, right the moment he had to talk to me... Also, at least warn me in advance to check if it's something I wanna do. It was bad as I could only hear the wind very heavily and hardly hearing him at all. That was time we had planned for being together. He ended up stopping by somewhere along the track.

[Miss Spider]

He’s inconsiderate... Do better, girl. 

[basil67]

As someone who rates birthdays pretty low, I'd be perfectly happy with just a "happy birthday" from a long distance partner....so I really can't relate about wanting to feel so special on one's birthday.   However, the rest of what you write is just nuts.  Why are you staying up till 4am waiting to speak with him?  Seriously, even the best guy on earth isn't worth that.  Then again, the best guy on earth wouldn't want you to wait till 4am to speak with him.   You can do soooo much better. 

[justwhoiam]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

He’s inconsiderate... Do better, girl. 

Glad I made you laugh

[MsJayne]

He sounds low-rent and ignorant. There's nice guys out there, he's not one of them. 

[Caauug]

On 6/2/2020 at 3:49 PM, raquellexxx said:

My boyfriend has always claimed how much he loves me and how he wanna spend his lifetime with me. We are in a long distance relationship and I have made lots of sacrifices neglecting my pride so far and he still does things even though I have asked him not to.

LDR's are a poor way of living..... I was there for about 3 years, at times it was hell. For LDR to work that long both parties have to be committed to make it work and be coated in Teflon so crap doesn't stick (thick skin?). There has to be an end date (end goal) when the LDR is finished, you are together that is achievable and both parties actively reaching milestones toward that end date. If there is no end date to the LDR get out of the relationship as it is only a fairy tail or dream. If you both live in different parts of the world and have to deal with immigration to be together you should be working on that now, if you have not taken that step  yet, NOW is the time to say good bye. 

LDR can work for a (short?) period. Do not ignore what the other party does, actions speak louder than words. Remember you both are living different lives and maybe in different cultures so understanding what is happening with the other party might be difficult until you are there or you may never understand if you never live there. (Teflon up before little crap sticks).

LDR Must Haves:

End Date = Most important!!!

Commitment = Both parties MUST be 100% into making it work 100%of the time!!!! This may be tested many times....

Both parties reaching milestones to achieve End Date = One person will be relocating, the other should be helping and encouraging the move also.

Teflon up or get thick skin = Don't let the small stuff get you down. LDR are like cold rainy winter days, with the end date coming closer so is the sunny warm spring days. 

LDR = two people living separate lives with a dream of being together. You may never know what the other person is feeling as they maybe hiding the ugly truth of the disappointments and set backs on their end (or you maybe doing it to them). Just except you may never understand. Keep end date in focus (very important!!!)....

If you are missing one of the above "Must Haves" I suggest to let the LDR go and find someone local. These are the main points I remember. My LDR ended when I immigrated to the other side of the world. No regrets, I am still living the dream!!! 

I wish you all the best of luck.....

 

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, Caauug said:

 

 

 

LDR Must Haves:

End Date = Most important!!!

Commitment = Both parties MUST be 100% into making it work 100%of the time!!!! This may be tested many times....

Both parties reaching milestones to achieve End Date = One person will be relocating, the other should be helping and encouraging the move also.

Teflon up or get thick skin = Don't let the small stuff get you down. LDR are like cold rainy winter days, with the end date coming closer so is the sunny warm spring days. 

LDR = two people living separate lives with a dream of being together. You may never know what the other person is feeling as they maybe hiding the ugly truth of the disappointments and set backs on their end (or you maybe doing it to them). Just except you may never understand. Keep end date in focus (very important!!!)....

If you are missing one of the above "Must Haves" I suggest to let the LDR go and find someone local. These are the main points I remember. My LDR ended when I immigrated to the other side of the world. No regrets, I am still living the dream!!! 

I wish you all the best of luck.....

 

You missed one important thing..TRUST. You need boat loads of it.

[kendahke]

On 6/2/2020 at 7:58 AM, raquellexxx said:

We have seen each other like a week or so.

Are you saying a week? Like 7 days?

Your expectations are unreasonable. If it's being 7 or so days, then no... he's nowhere near being invested in you to that extent. He doesn't even know you that well.  It sounds like you're love bombing him expecting him to do the same and he's got other things going on other than you.

[poppyfields]

How does all that happen within one week dating? 

OP, did you mean to write you see each other once a week?  

[preraph]

Am I reading it right that you've only met him once?  That really isn't a boyfriend.  It's out of sight out of mind with men.  I don't know anyone who would buy a BD gift for a person they only met once.  If I'm misunderstanding because of language or something, I apologize.  

[simpycurious]

I will save you from my commentary about present giving ESPECIALLY to someone special BUTTTTTTTTTTT come on guys give the gal something nice for her birthday.

If he is indeed your BF then this a "sketchy" move..............

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 6/2/2020 at 6:20 AM, raquellexxx said:

We have seen each other more than once, yes. And we have talked this on the phone and he is saying ''It's very hard to change my sleeping schedule but I will try''.. and then most of the times, I am the one waiting until 4-5 in the morning so that we could talk. Often waiting for him to finish watching a movie or game..

Are you serious? Where is your self-esteem?

[preraph]

Raquell, you're trying too hard to make a fit here when there isn't one.  You should just find a better bf.  This is a waste of your life. 

[raquellexxx]

You guys, I can't describe how thankful I am for your answers and pieces of advice on this hard time for me. I have been reading all of them carefully absorbing them.

Lastly, I wanna share with you that since that happened, I have been torturing myself why is it SO EXTREMELY difficult for me to leave him even after all these clear red flags and signs... You know what I discovered?

1) Mainly because I have issues in my family, I was craving for love, calmness, peace, and care. And I somehow i thought I found the resquing in him assuming that he was my SHELTER and safe place and therefore, I was ignoring the signs.

2) The other reason for feeling it so hard to leave him is the fact that I've always loved his country (I've never been with him because of that since actually, there was something that I was missing in him that I couldn't find). But with time, I began imagining and assuming that I will go from my life now (hell) to his country with him living happy, loving, peaceful life together (heaven). Please, get me right - it's not about immigration or money since I wouldn't ever use someone for such purpose. I can still go to that country but I thought that I finally found the right guy who will just respect, care, and love me. And that's a perfectly different picture - not just going alone but going there and starting a happy relationship/family with him was like a dream come true to me...

Although I discovered the reasons why it's so painful to me, I can't still take it lightly, stop feeling sorry and I want to save myself to get over him easier and get rid of the awful thought that I am having now - "I am leaving the heaven and going back to hell"? Could you please give me an advice? I would be beyond thankful for each sentence!

Edited June 4, 2020 by raquellexxx

[Amanda141]

You’ve been idealizing him, hoping that he could be your door to happiness, the solution to all your problems. But in reality, he’s not like that. He doesn’t make you a priority and doesn’t treat you how you should be treated. You’re giving him your 100% and he is not. 
 

i know it’s hard. VERY hard. But you have to take courage and tell him ciao ciao (Italian for bye bye). 
Your prince charming is out there waiting for you. But you’ll never find him if you keep wasting your time with this guy.

i am sure you can have your happily ever after, but he’s certainly not the right one for you. Better leave him now that postponing the decision: it could be even more difficult to leave him in the future

 

good luck raquelle!! 

[preraph]

You've just been trying to make him fit into your ideal guy that you have in your head. He simply isn't who you hoped he'd be and who no one is going to be that ideal in your head that magically transforms you. 

 

If you want to live in a certain country get a job and pack your bags and go there and don't wait around for some man to make it happen because you'll be waiting a long time. You're the only one who has control over your life. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, raquellexxx said:

I thought that I finally found the right guy who will just respect, care, and love me. And that's a perfectly different picture - not just going alone but going there and starting a happy relationship/family with him was like a dream come true to me...

You attached a fantasy to a guy who's not showing you that he is actually invested in that future. 

It's hard when we realize the dream doesn't match the reality. However, that's why we always need to be careful not to smother our own needs in favour of someone who just isn't what we'd hoped for. You're learning now that you have projected your dream onto him, but he's not actually the right guy for you. 

[raquellexxx]

Unfortunately, I finally broke up with him and he didn't even try to understand and realize what I told him, not to mention that he didn't even say sorry. He was acting as if in my eyes "he did nothing for me" and that's it..  my last requests for an advice for you are:

1) I know he didn't play with me on 100% and part of the powerful words he was telling me were honest. But most of his actions were showing the opposite. What do you thing was it from his side? Emotional inmature, lack of feeling to put his priorities, 50/50 behaviour, not that into me although all the words, or gaming addiction?

I know it's over but I want to know what was all about and what was that on his side.. From what I told you in this thread, what's your opinion?

2) Do you think that is normal when a man never reach out after a fight? From what I know from my friends, that's also a bad sign that shows that he doesn't care that much + has a huge ego.. and in normal successful relationships, if you really love your partner, you can't wait to reunite and not be in bad terms anymore. And usually, reaching out should be from both sides, and not always from the one partner (me in our case), even when the opposite partner is wrong?

[preraph]

Well, it's not healthy to breakup hoping they come chasing after you, so if that's why you did it, don't keep doing that.  Most people do have more pride than to come begging.  

He's young and sounds like probably spoiled and used to getting his way and anything he wants and not having to reciprocate or work for anything.  He prioritized a video game over a person, and that is a very common problem today with many people.  It's just self-absorption.  He cares more about himself and his needs and just isn't empathetic enough to understand OR doesn't care enough to stop him from acting that way.  

He may never change.  We certainly see 40-year-old guys on here who are pulling the exact same crap (maybe not the bd present but similar in terms of selfishness) all the time.    

Young guys are at an age where most of them are going to just jump around from girl to girl if they can, and just as a loose guideline, they may be around 30 by the time they get tired of it or decide it's time to start a family.  But some of them never do mature.  You may have a hard time finding a responsible, considerate 17-year-old guy, it's true.  One way to tell is their relationship with their mother.  If she spoils him and in general nothing is expected of him as far as politeness, chores, earning some money of his own, he is looking for someone who will just keep not expecting anything from him and just give, give, give like only a mother will.  

 

If you find one that respects his mom, people in general, isn't lazy and has initiative to mow lawns or something to earn some money and helps around the house, that is your better bet.  

Edited June 7, 2020 by preraph

[NHV]

Research Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style.  

[raquellexxx]

I don't know why I feel so sad, lonely and awful after this.. missing him like crazy...even though I know his words were more than his actions, that he put me after games and stuff, didn't respect me, and just wasn't for me, something in me still says "Did I make a mistake? Should I text him to ask him if he still wants me, if he still wants to continue being together with me?"

And I know he didn't play with me on 100% and part of the powerful words he was telling me were honest. People and relationship gurus always say that men always come back and even try to FIGHT for you even though they were f****boys. But why he accepted my goodbye words and didn't even put an effort to ask me if this was my final decision or something? Not to mention to fight for us..

[ajequals]

I guess as a man it depends on how the breakup went. if you were hostile towards him. them maybe he felt that's what you want so he backed off. I recently went through something like this Agreed to her terms she spelled out but in reality now I feel that isn't what she wants. we haven't seen each other other than briefly but in conversation in text she acts like nothing happened. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, raquellexxx said:

I don't know why I feel so sad, lonely and awful after this.. missing him like crazy...even though I know his words were more than his actions, that he put me after games and stuff, didn't respect me, and just wasn't for me, something in me still says "Did I make a mistake? Should I text him to ask him if he still wants me, if he still wants to continue being together with me?"

I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is.  Yes, you could ask him to come back to you - but before you do anything like that, re-read this thread and remind yourself how unhappy you were in the relationship.  Going back to him would be a step backwards.  And besides, many don't give another chance after they've been dumped, so he might say No anyway.

Quote

And I know he didn't play with me on 100% and part of the powerful words he was telling me were honest. People and relationship gurus always say that men always come back and even try to FIGHT for you even though they were f****boys. But why he accepted my goodbye words and didn't even put an effort to ask me if this was my final decision or something? Not to mention to fight for us..

People and relationship gurus are wrong.  If a man is happy with how he conducted himself in the relationship and was dumped, he's not going to come back.   He knows that if he did want to be back in the relationship, the girl would still be unhappy with him and break up again in the future.  So there's no point.   

He accepted your goodbye words because he trusted that you know your own mind and were firm in your decision.     

Lastly, if there's to be a second chance, it's not the dumpee's job to beg.  It's the job of the dumper (you) to eat humble pie and beg him for a second chance.   But don't do it.  You've made the right decision, so trust yourself

Edited June 11, 2020 by basil67

[smackie9]

It's call relationship codependency.

Codependent: The codependent person feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making drastic sacrifices for — the enabler. The enabler gets satisfaction from getting their every need met by the other person.

The codependent is only happy when making extreme sacrifices for their partner. They feel they must be needed by this other person to have any purpose.

You didn't lose your happiness, you broke the chains of disappointment/ and heart break. It may not look like it now but you got yourself out of a crappy situation. If you don't like where you are, and the people around you, go out on your own and make a new life for yourself. Don't depend on a guy to do that for you.