What should I do after my boyfriend only said ' Happy birthday' and nothing more?

June 2, 2020

You know how a significant part of birthday joy is your close people cherishing and making you happy, by showing you how important you are to them? My boyfriend has always claimed how much he loves me and how he wanna spend his lifetime with me. We are in a long distance relationship and I have made lots of sacrifices neglecting my pride so far and he still does things even though I have asked him not to.

But on my birthday, everything escalated. When my special day came, I didn't expect gifts or material stuff from him (although I have sent him present just without a special event) but at least expected wishes that manifest his love making me special on my special day.

In return, while most of the people EVEN STRANGERS wished me tons of things, my boyfriend who ''wants to spend his life with me'' only told me ''Happy birthday'' and absolutely nothing more.. which made me feel awful because he is one of the most important people of my life and at least, I was expecting him to wish me something, say that he loves me and stuff.. and not just ''Happy birthday'' as if we are strangers. And we haven't had any fights or something...

I asked him if something is wrong and he said no.. even I have sent him present in the future just out of nothing while now, he only said ''Happy birthday'' and not a single wish, care, and love...

When I shared this with him he was so surprised acting like ''2 more words mean nothing'' making me feel as if it's my fault that I'm petty an eventually acted like it's my fault saying things like ''Sorry for not making you happy on your b-day'' but he didn't mean them it was kinda sarcastic as if he was mad AT ME?! And when I told him that I am sad then eventually wished me a goodnight and almost hung up...

I really can't believe how he made me feel on my day after it was his fault...he ruined my special day plus made me feel petty and needy. Please give me your advice do you think I'm right to feel awful and sad because of what he did?

Even if I barely trust men, I trusted him because of all that he has told me about how much he loves me and want to spend his life with me.. I thought he was a good guy respecting me and now it looks like I am not important to him and he doesn't care..

The fact the even though I have had more than 1 conversation just asking him not to do something easy because it's difficult for me to do it he never actually put the effort to even wake up on time to have more time to talk and stuff... while at the same time always saying that he loves me, misses me and stuff... and pretty much, I felt that my sacrifices are way bigger than his... Should I finally leave him after this situation and then the lack of understanding plus his behaviour because I know that he won't say sorry and even text me again until I do it?

Edited June 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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June 2, 2020

Have you met this guy in person?

It sounds like a very one-sided relationship in which you are doing most of the work, and letting your vision get blurred by vague promises of spending a lifetime together. You say you've asked him not to do certain things, and he still does them. You say you've sacrificed your dignity (by doing what, exactly?) and that you want more time with him. This appears to be a very unfulfilling relationship in which you're neglecting your own needs in favour of someone who talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk.

Your birthday was just one more example of how incompatible you two actually are. So yes, I would be done. You're clearly not happy and want the kind of boyfriend that he just isn't.

June 2, 2020

I don't know whether you should up and leave him as you're asking, but I do think that was a little chilly. And then turning it around on you...that's kind of gaslighting, making it seem like you're starting something out of nowhere when any reasonable person would expect at least an "I love you," etc. on one's birthday from a fiance.

With his quick turnaround in being angry at you I almost wonder whether he's subconsciously picking a fight. I'd wonder if he was really feeling the whole thing, TBH. It's too setup-ish, you know?

How have things been between you otherwise?

June 2, 2020

34 minutes ago, raquellexxx said:

We are in a long distance relationship and I have made lots of sacrifices neglecting my pride so far and he still does things even though I have asked him not to.

The birthday thing is just a symptom. The problems with your relationship are summarized above. Why would you give up your pride for a SO?

June 2, 2020

Yes, we have met and we were planning to do so again. What hurts me the most (even though I know that I shouldn't blindly believe in men's words) is the fact the he seemed a different guy that really care for his girlfriend, not a womanizer (which I hate) and stuff.

When I mean dignity, I was talking about neglecting my own feelings and needs after he is not changing his behaviour which hurts me before.. and I keep doing sacrifices just because apart from the actions, he is really kind, gentle to me, says that he loves me, misses me, and even wants us to have a family. AND at the same time, even though I have told him to change something that affects our communication (something actually easy like waking up on time so that I don't force myself to be up late night) he keeps sleeping late making excuses and since I don't feel good to always remind him, I neglect my own sleeping schedule ans stay up late just to talk to him resulting in me being constantly exhausted and emotionally/psycically drained...

but apart from these things (which are not something small at all), when we talk, he is kind, we laugh, he compliments me, says that he loves me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life and stuff.. and all those things make me extremely confused, sad and bad.. because i don't know if I'm even right or no anymore.. and what do do..

Edited June 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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June 2, 2020

Your post implies you've only met him once. Is this right? If so, this means you barely know him. You know his online persona.

It's a danger sign if someone starts talking about love and lifelong commitment to a person they've only met once. Either they're emotionally immature and clingy to the point where they don't have the patience or the communication skills to build a good relationship, or they're a player who will say that to pretty much anyone. Either way, it isn't what you need and it isn't something you should tolerate.

June 2, 2020

I was about to ask the same thing as the poster above - you have met just one time?

You sound like you're fighting a battle against yourself. You want to believe he's this great boyfriend and you two will build a life together, but at the same time you describe a whole litany of problems which suggest you're really not happy here. You're going out of your way to make him happy and comfortable and be a good girlfriend, but he's not doing the same for you.

I get that he says he wants all these things with you - but is his behaviour actually supporting that? It doesn't appear so.

June 2, 2020

1 hour ago, raquellexxx said:

Yes, we have met and we were planning to do so again. What hurts me the most (even though I know that I shouldn't blindly believe in men's words) is the fact the he seemed a different guy that really care for his girlfriend, not a womanizer (which I hate) and stuff. When I mean dignity, I was talking about neglecting my own feelings and needs after he is not changing his behaviour which hurts me before.. and I keep doing sacrifices just because apart from the actions, he is really kind, gentle to me, says that he loves me, misses me, and even wants us to have a family. AND at the same time, even though I have told him to change something that affects our communication (something actually easy like waking up on time so that I don't force myself to be up late night) he keeps sleeping late making excuses and since I don't feel good to always remind him, I neglect my own sleeping schedule ans stay up late just to talk to him resulting in me being constantly exhausted and emotionally/psycically drained... but apart from these things (which are not something small at all), when we talk, he is kind, we laugh, he compliments me, says that he loves me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life and stuff.. and all those things make me extremely confused, sad and bad.. because i don't know if I'm even right or no anymore.. and what do do..

Ack. Do you TALK about these things or do you TEXT about these things? Do you two talk about other things that are important or not as serious? Or is his communication predominantly to establish a fantasy world (for now) to keep you enamoured?

If you have met only once, there is no way you know he is 'gentle' to you. How long did you meet? You have a much better idea of what kind a person he is by the physical contact you have. Texting or even speaking over the phone is not enough to determine if a man is 'gentle.' Like some have said, this guy could be a player napalming you with ideas of love, family, blah, blah, blah...

June 2, 2020

Well... to use your words... you are being petty.

To some people... a birthday isn't a big deal... or it's something they don't want to be reminded of. (especially if they are older) I've met people that cover the entire spectrum from the "most special day in the year" to "Don't even say Happy Birthday to me". So... first thing... does your BF know it's important to you? And second... Does your BF fall into the category of "It's just a birthday." ? And lastly... is he just the kind of guy who isn't good with words?

So... you got mad, and escalated something minor into something major.

Since this is a LDR, you should have a talk about what you expect on holidays.

My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth.

June 2, 2020

44 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Ack. Do you TALK about these things or do you TEXT about these things? Do you two talk about other things that are important or not as serious? Or is his communication predominantly to establish a fantasy world (for now) to keep you enamoured?

If you have met only once, there is no way you know he is 'gentle' to you. How long did you meet? You have a much better idea of what kind a person he is by the physical contact you have. Texting or even speaking over the phone is not enough to determine if a man is 'gentle.' Like some have said, this guy could be a player napalming you with ideas of love, family, blah, blah, blah...

We have seen each other more than once, yes. And we have talked this on the phone and he is saying ''It's very hard to change my sleeping schedule but I will try''.. and then most of the times, I am the one waiting until 4-5 in the morning so that we could talk. Often waiting for him to finish watching a movie or game..

June 2, 2020

How long have you been dating him, and how many times have you met in person?

It seems you are much more invested than he is.

June 2, 2020

12 minutes ago, raquellexxx said:

We have seen each other more than once, yes. And we have talked this on the phone and he is saying ''It's very hard to change my sleeping schedule but I will try''.. and then most of the times, I am the one waiting until 4-5 in the morning so that we could talk. Often waiting for him to finish watching a movie or game..

Wait. He is watching a movie WHILE you two are talking? Or are you waiting until he finishes a movie before he contacts you or you him to speak (again)?

June 2, 2020

6 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Wait. He is watching a movie WHILE you two are talking? Or are you waiting until he finishes a movie before he contacts you or you him to speak (again)?

There are times when I suggest him to talk because I have been waiting for him to wake up and when he texts me that he is up, in the times I am offering him to talk, most of them he is asking me is it okay if it's in 30 minutes for example, because he is still watching a movie and in 30 minutes it will finish.

Same with games. However, most of the times while we are talking on the phone, he is playing at the same time. But I have never said anything because I don't wanna stop him from his hobbies and sound clingy even though I would prefer him to only talk to me while we are talking and not playing at the same time or stuff.

At times, I ask him if I should leave him if he is busy and he says that he can do the two things at the same time.

Edited June 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

June 2, 2020

20 minutes ago, raquellexxx said:

There are times when I suggest him to talk because I have been waiting for him to wake up and when he texts me that he is up, in the times I am offering him to talk, most of them he is asking me is it okay if it's in 30 minutes for example, because he is still watching a movie and in 30 minutes it will finish. Same with games. However, most of the times while we are talking on the phone, he is playing at the same time. But I have never said anything because I don't wanna stop him from his hobbies and sound clingy even though I would prefer him to only talk to me while we are talking and not playing at the same time or stuff. At times, I ask him if I should leave him if he is busy and he says that he can do the two things at the same time.

I am sorry. Not laughing at you! OMG, raquellexxx. Forget that he didn't do more for your birthday! He only has a turd level of respect for you and your feelings...again, I am going to come right and admit I have an aversion to gamers, but... HE IS ALSO A GAMER. I get it, he enjoys his entertainment, but he cannot or will not even put down his gaming to focus on you while inconveniencing you.

You don't owe him nor he, you, any semblance of commitment right now. Your relationship seem very young and without any foundation. He has been love bombing you. He is just trying to make you FEEL good to keep you coming back. Some guys have been taught that as a strategy because women tend to be much more emotionally attracted to the romantic ideas of a long-term relationship, family, etc. It comes with lack of experience. As women get older, they are more experienced and are less likely to fall for such. In fact, early and excessive love bombing and talking about family, babies, the more of a concern it becomes for more mature women.

Edited June 2, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

June 2, 2020

30 minutes ago, raquellexxx said:

We have seen each other more than once, yes. And we have talked this on the phone and he is saying ''It's very hard to change my sleeping schedule but I will try''.. and then most of the times, I am the one waiting until 4-5 in the morning so that we could talk. Often waiting for him to finish watching a movie or game..

Stop doing this and get your rest. If he misses you and wants to talk to you let him change his schedule otherwise get your sleep. It's best not to bend over backwards to try to please men because they don't appreciate it. As you can see he's already taking you for granted. A guy saying he loves you, wants to start a family with you, etc., that you've only seen in person a few times is not to be trusted or believed. Find a boyfriend that wants to see you often and in person.

June 2, 2020

Can you provide some detail on this relationship? How long have you been seeing him and how often do you actually spend time together in person? How old are you both?

June 2, 2020

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How long have you been dating him, and how many times have you met in person?

It seems you are much more invested than he is.

We have seen each other like a week or so. And the most painful part making me really sad is that initially, he got me because he really seemed different in my eyes - not a womanizer like most of the boys I have met, super kind, thoughtful, just different.

When we talk, everything is fine - we laugh, talk sweet things and stuff. But BEFORE the conversation it's the waiting from my side, staying late and pretending that I am not sleepy just because I am happy when we talk. And even though I have talked with him asking him to get up a bit earlier just for us to have more time to communicate because that is super important considering the fact that we are not psysically together now.

He said it's difficult to change his sleeping schedule and he will try but that is just not happening. And thus, I feel how I make more sacrifices than him, while he is making me feel amazing saying that he is madly in love with me, loves me, misses me and wants to be together for a lifetime. But the simple things I wanted didn't happen.. and they are actually not very simple... And the birthday part was just stunning.. I have never been materialistic and stuff but as a couple, I was expecting at least a single wish, at least ''I love you'' when strangers gave me long wishes.. and considering the fact what other men are capable of doing for their loved ones.

And then his reaction was even more painful.. not even trying to realize that what he did was wrong acting kinda surprised from me in a not good way as if I wanted money from him.. acting kinda sarcastic and making excuses and then he got mad and after telling him that he made me sad on by special day he only wished me a goodnight and then we both hung up.

I am sure he won't reach out to me not to mention to say ''sorry'' because when we previously had small fights, most of the cases, I have been the one reaching out first and while we haven't talked for days after these fights I have always felt horrific, crying, having nightmares while he was being active sharing music, happy things as if nothing happened and he is absolutely happy which was also very painful...

Edited June 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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June 2, 2020

2 minutes ago, raquellexxx said:

We have seen each other like a week or so.

That's not even long enough for him to be your boyfriend, let alone for either of you to have decided you want to spend your lives together.

How old are you? Why do you think you are so invested in someone you hardly know?

June 2, 2020

Happy Belated Birthday.

Sorry that your feelings were so hurt on your birthday, but is it worth being as upset as you are about it? Did he know that you had expectations about how you wanted him to make you feel on your birthday? If he knew that it was so important to you, then yeah, he really dropped the ball. However, if he had no clue, and you got upset because he didn't say the right things to make you feel special, that is on you. I can understand that you wanted him to make the effort. I get it, I do. Unfortunately, you are in for a lot of hurt feelings if you allow someone to have so much control over your emotions. He wrecked your day by not saying enough. Why? Why allow such an important day for you be ruined by him being, well him.

If you want to add on "I send him gifts, for no special reason" to somehow prove what an insensitive jerk he is being, again, it's on you. You are not being a sweet and loving partner if you keep score. If you want to send him gifts, send them. If you expect them in return, either give him your list of expectations, or prepare to be disappointed, a lot. If I kept a scorecard of the romantic gestures I have made for my husband that were not equally reciprocated I could write a book. I don't though because I did those things because I wanted to, NOT because I was waiting for him to spoil me in return. Now, 20+ years later, I just don't have it in me to do all of those things for him, but he has really upped his game, and has surprised me with some unbelievable gifts, and memories. So, perhaps if you wait 20 or so years, your partner might finally get it right.

Why are you putting yourself out so that you can talk to him by staying up until dawn if he doesn't adjust his life at all for you? It might be time for you to reevaluate how important you are to him. Is he really worth keeping when he doesn't seem to make much effort to keep you feeling special to him. If you need someone to make you feel important and cherished, it doesn't seem like he really meets your needs. If he can't get it right while you're dating, he won't when you actually live together, or are married. You cannot make him change how he expresses his love, so if its not making you feel loved is he worth it? Maybe he really is Prince Charming, and it just seems like you're not important to him because your posting with hurt feelings.

I do hope that you had a wonderful birthday otherwise.

June 2, 2020

4 hours ago, raquellexxx said:

do you think I'm right to feel awful and sad because of what he did?

Yes.

Quote

Should I finally leave him after this situation and then the lack of understanding plus his behaviour because I know that he won't say sorry and even text me again until I do it?

You have nothing to apologize for, unless something's off and unrelated to your story. Why are you saying he won't apologize unless you do? If he's like that, he's not a keeper. I couldn't be with a man unable to say sorry.

3 hours ago, raquellexxx said:

neglecting my own feelings and needs after he is not changing his behaviour which hurts me before..

Don't settle for something like that. You'd better make things clear from the start, or you'll be the one changing the initial dynamics, making him regret getting together with you.

Quote

even though I have told him to change something that affects our communication (something actually easy like waking up on time so that I don't force myself to be up late night) he keeps sleeping late making excuses and since I don't feel good to always remind him, I neglect my own sleeping schedule ans stay up late just to talk to him resulting in me being constantly exhausted and emotionally/psycically drained...

I hear ya. Men can be much more selfish, by nature. Don't be there for him anymore. I'm afraid you're not getting any results by going out of your way for him time and time again.

34 minutes ago, raquellexxx said:

''It's very hard to change my sleeping schedule but I will try''..

That isn't enough effort, evidently. He doesn't need to try: after all, he seems to be more ok with hearing you complain now and then, than with having to change his habits/routines.

11 minutes ago, raquellexxx said:

he is asking me is it okay if it's in 30 minutes for example, because he is still watching a movie and in 30 minutes it will finish.

I'm not sure where each of you is currently located... like you could be in different continents. If that's the case, it sounds as if he's not aware of the exceptional circumstances of your relationship. How lucky he is to be able to talk to you being so far away. And by any means, not treating you any special way because of it. Like he's watching anything on Netflix, that's something that can be postponed. You don't leave your girlfriend wait, unless he's watching with family or something. Gaming is even worse. How on earth are you accepting that he puts his gaming first and above you?? Sorry, but that's not acceptable to me. The fact that you're OK with being last on the list just in fear of losing him is wrong. If you lose him because gaming is more important to him, then he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. It's very simple.

June 2, 2020

It sounds like he isn't very invested in the relationship, or at the very least not as invested as you are or expect him to be.

It might be time to cut him loose, are you dating others ? the reason I ask is that he might be seeing someone else as well and it lead to his non-committal attitude.

Sorry you are hurting but it's time to rethink this as you are doing all the work and it isn't paying off or being reciprocated.

June 2, 2020

5 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

Like he's watching anything on Netflix, that's something that can be postponed. You don't leave your girlfriend wait, unless he's watching with family or something. Gaming is even worse. How on earth are you accepting that he puts his gaming first and above you?? Sorry, but that's not acceptable to me. The fact that you're OK with being last on the list just in fear of losing him is wrong. If you lose him because gaming is more important to him, then he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. It's very simple.

At first, deep inside, I also thought the same feeling like movies and games are on 1st place and I am somewhere after them. But I was reading articles about how addicting is gaming and that most of the boys play games which you can't avoid. Besides, from what I have heard, one can't just toss your game since they have already reached a given level and they gonna lose having you start from the beginning?

And these things just made me stop paying attention because I never wanted to stop him from his hobbies and acting like I'm needy and clingy (although I wasn't feeling that good in situations when I have waited for him to finish his game or watching a movie). One time I even said to him that considering the fact how little time we have to run into each other, I think we can spend it communicating and getting to know each other and I even gave the example of him playing on the times when I am able to talk. Plus when we have talked, I have asked him if he wants me to let him go in order to remind him that I feel kinda neglected when we are talking and he is saying that it's not a problem and he can still talk to me and he wants to talk to me. In the end of conversation, he even thanks me for talking that much..

Edited June 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

June 2, 2020

OP, this is just sad.

You are stuffing down your own needs for some guy who’s showing you very clearly that he’s not that into you. There is a very wide margin between not being clingy and being a doormat.

Stop being afraid of asking for what you deserve, and find a boyfriend who’s actually interested in having a real relationship. This dude isn’t it.

June 2, 2020

49 minutes ago, raquellexxx said:

At first, deep inside, I also thought the same feeling like movies and games are on 1st place and I am somewhere after them. But I was reading articles about how addicting is gaming and that most of the boys play games which you can't avoid. Besides, from what I have heard, one can't just toss your game since they have already reached a given level and they gonna lose having you start from the beginning? And these things just made me stop paying attention because I never wanted to stop him from his hobbies and acting like I'm needy and clingy (although I wasn't feeling that good in situations when I have waited for him to finish his game or watching a movie). One time I even said to him that considering the fact how little time we have to run into each other, I think we can spend it communicating and getting to know each other and I even gave the example of him playing on the times when I am able to talk. Plus when we have talked, I have asked him if he wants me to let him go in order to remind him that I feel kinda neglected when we are talking and he is saying that it's not a problem and he can still talk to me and he wants to talk to me. In the end of conversation, he even thanks me for talking that much..

How long are you going to keep this up? Having to bend over backwards just to keep a relationship going. I've seen friends of mine do the same..and with regards to effort put in from their man..it never changes. Or if it does its for a short moment.

I think the healthiest relationships are ones where there is a balance..this is completely imbalanced.

He has to meet you in the middle somewhere. Otherwise it just seems like a lack of interest on his part. And that is also taking into consideration his words. .words mean nothing to some guys. They can throw a whole lot of words around without there being any substance behind them. ..

I would suggest you pull back a little, focus more on your self and your interests..and see what he does.

Edited June 2, 2020 by miranda561

June 2, 2020

Dump him.

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What should I do after my boyfriend only said ' Happy birthday' and nothing more?

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