How long has everyone hurt after experiencing infidelity?

[mary1974]

I am going through a divorce from an incredibly abusive relationship of 27 years when I left in 2017.  We’re about 15 months at this divorce and almost 3 years separated. He cheated on me for 3 years, in our house, in our bed, even disappeared for a 5 day tropical vacation with her at one point. Meanwhile I was getting severely gaslit, attacked physically countless times.  Some could’ve cost me my life. The details are so brutal people ask how I didn’t go full burning bed style on him.
 

The pain and extreme shock of his affair and the reality of what he was doing for so long behind my back was so devastating and painful that sometimes today even 12 years after it came out the pain of it feels like it was just yesterday. It almost killed me. It changed me forever, but I managed to try and give him the second chance he wanted even though during that second chance, he spent 4 years telling me it was my fault he cheated because I was too fat (40 pounds over weight). His affair came out in 2008 and he didn’t act sorry, take responsibility or actually sincerely apologize until 2012.

The 4 years of him attacking and blaming me only caused me even more damage. God I wish I’d left sooner. In 2015 he left me. I met my breaking point and  I had a one night stand (that included going to an old bosses house and making out and kissing) while we were separated, while in the midst of a full on nervous breakdown and in more emotional pain and loneliness than I can even put to words.

i have PTSD now, which he laughs about. I have panic attacks that include my throat not working while swallowing food that can be induced by even a sound that resembles his text tone or a cough in public that sounds like his. Along with a slew of other effects.

I recently tried to tell him how much damage he did to me and how brutal and raw the pain of it all can still be and mentioned my one and only indiscretion in 27 years of abuse that most might blow their head off over. He responded with the following but before you read it let me just give you some background. 

My dad cheated on my mom for a good chunk of their marriage. On top of it he beat her up time and again, many times almost killing her in front of us before she finally left. My mom felt and talked about the pain of it all for years after the marriage ended and truthfully rightfully so as far as I’m concerned.

I have been in therapy with a trauma specialist for over 2 years, read book after book on healing, work on myself endlessly and yet the pain of what I went through still haunts me quite a bit. It still hurts like hell to be honest and some days I even walk around thinking, I cannot believe he did all that to me.  He knows the full details of my childhood with very extreme domestic violence and all the years my dad cheated on my mom and this is what he sent me a couple days ago (mind you he’s wrong, his affair came out 12 years ago, not 14 and it wasn’t until 8 years ago he even finally said he was sorry)

As far as I’m concerned, reading this just clarifies what a heartless monster he really is. I’d like to know what everyone thinks of what he said to me:

“Funny how 14 years after my affair your still talking about it like it was yesterday like your mom when I met you. Yet you bring yours up and tell me how you went over his house? You are just a pig of a woman following in her mothers footsteps. Right down to the day you had the affair because I remember you telling me how it was a coincidence You and her did it at the same time. Lmao your her mini me in life.
Everyone who has asked me about the situation looks at me with three heads when I tell them how many years ago it was lol. Every single person says the same thing, Ohh I thought you just did it the way she’s talking about it.  
Have fun not just looking dumb to the world like the woman who came before you but actually being dumb just like her as well. 
Why do you think I don’t fight and argue with you about any of this?”

 

 

 

 

 

[mary1974]

I came across all the stuff I wrote on here 2007 and didn’t even remember most of it because of the hell I lived for so long the exact details have faded. I guess I was looking for validation in that I’m not a terrible, stupid person Like he said in the email for still hurting over the shock and pain of such a brutal betrayal and abuse and gaslighting. If you happened to read any of what he was doing to me in 2007 you’d see what I mean. And that was just the tip of the iceberg too. I guess when it all comes down to it, I don’t need his or anyone’s validation because healing isn’t linear. And everyone is different. And he’s not going to get to tell me how long it takes to not hurt about it. And if I could just manage to not give a crap what he thinks of me I’d be a lot better off.

[mary1974]

I put this up last night and I think I chose the wrong forum and that it probably should be here so I’m gonna move it and delete from the abuse forum if possible:

 

I am going through a divorce from an incredibly abusive relationship of 27 years when I left in 2017.  We’re about 15 months at this divorce and almost 3 years separated. He cheated on me for 3 years, in our house, in our bed, even disappeared for a 5 day tropical vacation with her at one point. Meanwhile I was getting severely gaslit, attacked physically countless times.  Some could’ve cost me my life. The details are so brutal people ask how I didn’t go full burning bed style on him.
 

The pain and extreme shock of his affair and the reality of what he was doing for so long behind my back was so devastating and painful that sometimes today even 12 years after it came out the pain of it feels like it was just yesterday. It almost killed me. It changed me forever, but I managed to try and give him the second chance he wanted even though during that second chance, he spent 4 years telling me it was my fault he cheated because I was too fat (40 pounds over weight). His affair came out in 2008 and he didn’t act sorry, take responsibility or actually sincerely apologize until 2012.

The 4 years of him attacking and blaming me only caused me even more damage. God I wish I’d left sooner. In 2015 he left me. I met my breaking point and  I had a one night stand (that included going to an old bosses house and making out and kissing) while we were separated, while in the midst of a full on nervous breakdown and in more emotional pain and loneliness than I can even put to words.

i have PTSD now, which he laughs about. I have panic attacks that include my throat not working while swallowing food that can be induced by even a sound that resembles his text tone or a cough in public that sounds like his. Along with a slew of other effects.

I recently tried to tell him how much damage he did to me and how brutal and raw the pain of it all can still be and mentioned my one and only indiscretion in 27 years of abuse that most might blow their head off over. He responded with the following but before you read it let me just give you some background. 

My dad cheated on my mom for a good chunk of their marriage. On top of it he beat her up time and again, many times almost killing her in front of us before she finally left. My mom felt and talked about the pain of it all for years after the marriage ended and truthfully rightfully so as far as I’m concerned.

I have been in therapy with a trauma specialist for over 2 years, read book after book on healing, work on myself endlessly and yet the pain of what I went through still haunts me quite a bit. It still hurts like hell to be honest and some days I even walk around thinking, I cannot believe he did all that to me.  He knows the full details of my childhood with very extreme domestic violence and all the years my dad cheated on my mom and this is what he sent me a couple days ago (mind you he’s wrong, his affair came out 12 years ago, not 14 and it wasn’t until 8 years ago he even finally said he was sorry)

As far as I’m concerned, reading this just clarifies what a heartless monster he really is. I’d like to know what everyone thinks of what he said to me:

“Funny how 14 years after my affair your still talking about it like it was yesterday like your mom when I met you. Yet you bring yours up and tell me how you went over his house? You are just a pig of a woman following in her mothers footsteps. Right down to the day you had the affair because I remember you telling me how it was a coincidence You and her did it at the same time. Lmao your her mini me in life.
Everyone who has asked me about the situation looks at me with three heads when I tell them how many years ago it was lol. Every single person says the same thing, Ohh I thought you just did it the way she’s talking about it.  
Have fun not just looking dumb to the world like the woman who came before you but actually being dumb just like her as well. 
Why do you think I don’t fight and argue with you about any of this?”

[Zona]

Sounds like your ex is a narcissist. My WW has some of those tendencies, but not as severe as her brother. He left his wife and moved in with his girlfriend and manipulated her for years to avoid paying any child support or alimony.  They are still technically married, even though he has been living with his AP for a decade (I think he is cheating on his AP now). He is a liar and manipulator extraordinaire. He's been living the highlife while his "wife" lost her house and struggled to support her three kids. Some people are just selfish @s$h0l3s. Better to have them out of your life.

Sorry you went through this. Hopefully the pain will continue to fade over time

Edited June 2, 2020 by Zona

[mary1974]

Yes he definitely fits the Narcissistic traits pretty much to a T. I should be happy he’s gone but I don’t seem to be most of the time. He’s my addiction. I seem to be addicted to bad treatment from people I love. I’m sorry for what you went through also. I hope we both find so much better in love the next time around like we deserved all along. I also hope I get to the bottom of the hold he has on me. The spell would be more accurate I guess.

[JimmyNorth]

I think the length of recovery depends on the situation. They say 2-5 years. So maybe in your case that’s 2-5 AFTER you are officially broken up and apart. Not during abusive times.

[understand50]

You will never forget.  You only learn to put the pain away so you can live on.

[Zona]

10 hours ago, mary1974 said:

 I also hope I get to the bottom of the hold he has on me. The spell would be more accurate I guess.

You're only human. Obviously you were a loyal wife who loved him. Never blame yourself for any of his selfish actions

It takes years as others have mentioned. Be patient with yourself. Consider getting some IC if you can, someone who specializes in infidelity related PTSD.

Edited June 2, 2020 by Zona

[pepperbird]

On 6/1/2020 at 2:08 AM, mary1974 said:

I am going through a divorce from an incredibly abusive relationship of 27 years when I left in 2017.  We’re about 15 months at this divorce and almost 3 years separated. He cheated on me for 3 years, in our house, in our bed, even disappeared for a 5 day tropical vacation with her at one point. Meanwhile I was getting severely gaslit, attacked physically countless times.  Some could’ve cost me my life. The details are so brutal people ask how I didn’t go full burning bed style on him.
 

The pain and extreme shock of his affair and the reality of what he was doing for so long behind my back was so devastating and painful that sometimes today even 12 years after it came out the pain of it feels like it was just yesterday. It almost killed me. It changed me forever, but I managed to try and give him the second chance he wanted even though during that second chance, he spent 4 years telling me it was my fault he cheated because I was too fat (40 pounds over weight). His affair came out in 2008 and he didn’t act sorry, take responsibility or actually sincerely apologize until 2012.

The 4 years of him attacking and blaming me only caused me even more damage. God I wish I’d left sooner. In 2015 he left me. I met my breaking point and  I had a one night stand (that included going to an old bosses house and making out and kissing) while we were separated, while in the midst of a full on nervous breakdown and in more emotional pain and loneliness than I can even put to words.

i have PTSD now, which he laughs about. I have panic attacks that include my throat not working while swallowing food that can be induced by even a sound that resembles his text tone or a cough in public that sounds like his. Along with a slew of other effects.

I recently tried to tell him how much damage he did to me and how brutal and raw the pain of it all can still be and mentioned my one and only indiscretion in 27 years of abuse that most might blow their head off over. He responded with the following but before you read it let me just give you some background. 

My dad cheated on my mom for a good chunk of their marriage. On top of it he beat her up time and again, many times almost killing her in front of us before she finally left. My mom felt and talked about the pain of it all for years after the marriage ended and truthfully rightfully so as far as I’m concerned.

I have been in therapy with a trauma specialist for over 2 years, read book after book on healing, work on myself endlessly and yet the pain of what I went through still haunts me quite a bit. It still hurts like hell to be honest and some days I even walk around thinking, I cannot believe he did all that to me.  He knows the full details of my childhood with very extreme domestic violence and all the years my dad cheated on my mom and this is what he sent me a couple days ago (mind you he’s wrong, his affair came out 12 years ago, not 14 and it wasn’t until 8 years ago he even finally said he was sorry)

As far as I’m concerned, reading this just clarifies what a heartless monster he really is. I’d like to know what everyone thinks of what he said to me:

“Funny how 14 years after my affair your still talking about it like it was yesterday like your mom when I met you. Yet you bring yours up and tell me how you went over his house? You are just a pig of a woman following in her mothers footsteps. Right down to the day you had the affair because I remember you telling me how it was a coincidence You and her did it at the same time. Lmao your her mini me in life.
Everyone who has asked me about the situation looks at me with three heads when I tell them how many years ago it was lol. Every single person says the same thing, Ohh I thought you just did it the way she’s talking about it.  
Have fun not just looking dumb to the world like the woman who came before you but actually being dumb just like her as well. 
Why do you think I don’t fight and argue with you about any of this?”

 

 

 

 

 

Madam,
stop trying  to figure him out because you can't . He is an abuser-you are not. My advice to you is to get as far away from him as you can, and if he ever lays another hand on you,  call the police.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, mary1974 said:

Yes he definitely fits the Narcissistic traits pretty much to a T. I should be happy he’s gone but I don’t seem to be most of the time. He’s my addiction. I seem to be addicted to bad treatment from people I love. I’m sorry for what you went through also. I hope we both find so much better in love the next time around like we deserved all along. I also hope I get to the bottom of the hold he has on me. The spell would be more accurate I guess.

He has no hold or spell on you.  You are the only one keeping yourself in this situation. Stop using him as your excuse and look in the mirror.  There lies the problem.

[JimmyNorth]

9 hours ago, understand50 said:

You will never forget.  You only learn to put the pain away so you can live on.

While its true you never forget, I really believe that after a long while you don't give a crap anymore. When I say "don't give a crap", I'm thinking along the lines of that it's not top of mind and you have so much more going on that you rarely think of it.

[mark clemson]

I think the best thing is to simply have him out of your life and your mind as completely as possible. Probably you're already in therapy, but if not, hopefully that would/could at least help somewhat. He sounds like a complete monster.

If you don't mind me asking -

20 hours ago, mary1974 said:

“Funny how 14 years after my affair your still talking about it like it was yesterday like your mom when I met you. Yet you bring yours up and tell me how you went over his house?

 - did you have an affair yourself? I'm not at all here to "judge" you about this if you did, as you've already clearly been through more than enough personal pain for 10 lifetimes, but I'm somewhat curious about whether you had one too.

Once again, though, my main point is, based on everything you write, I think you should be done with him as completely and permanently as possible.

Edited June 3, 2020 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

Considering that you were involved in an abusive relationship for 27 years - I’m going to guess most of your adult life - I would suggest that it’s going to take a REALLY LONG TIME to deal with all the damage that his been done. It may actually be your life’s work, to heal the pain of this relationship. 

I would respectfully suggest that your job is not to understand what kind of spell he has on you, rather why you chose to stay in such a horribly abusive situation for so many years. THAT is the only thing you control, and THAT will keep you for finding yourself in a similar situation in the future. 

[preraph]

Being betrayed buy a person you trust changes you forever. you can certainly move on and maybe trust someone else because not everyone has such crappy ethics but it takes a long time to have confidence that someone won't do the same thing or worse. 

 

the best defense you have against that is to become such a strong capable person that you just leave the door wide open if they want to leave and just know that you will be okay with or without them.

[Caauug]

On 6/1/2020 at 1:08 PM, mary1974 said:

I am going through a divorce from an incredibly abusive relationship of 27 years when I left in 2017.  

Abusive for 27 years? 3 months would have been too long!!!

10 hours ago, stillafool said:

He has no hold or spell on you.  You are the only one keeping yourself in this situation. Stop using him as your excuse and look in the mirror.  There lies the problem.

^^^ You nailed it!!! There is only one person to blame for this many years. Some people love to play the victim??? If she had ditched him and got her life in order years ago when this all started she could not say:

 

On 6/2/2020 at 12:07 PM, mary1974 said:

I recently tried to tell him how much damage he did to me and how brutal and raw the pain of it all can still be and mentioned my one and only indiscretion in 27 years of abuse that most might blow their head off over.

There is a lot of "Poor Me" in here. Abused women have countless resources, and organizations to help them get away and start again. There is no excuse to put up with any abuse, the laws and courts are on the women's side, one phone call and he would have been in jail fighting for his freedom. 

There has to be more to the story, why wait around taking crap from someone for this long? Wealthy old in-laws that didn't want to die? He was not in total control of his family's business yet? 15 months at this divorce = someone is fighting and not agreeing to be fare....

[mary1974]

Well for those that say I’m keeping myself in the situation, I left him almost 3 years ago. Left everything I’ve ever owned and walked away with 3 bags and my dog. I’ve been through hell fighting to start my life over with absolutely nothing that I ever worked for etc at 45 years old. So trust me, I’m not “keeping myself” in anything. I’m 1200 miles away to be exact.

however he absolutely does have something about him that sucks people in and makes them believe and makes them chase and want him. You can’t judge until you’ve actually experienced it for yourself. He has been known to make trained professionals believe anything he says.

and Mark, as far as me having an affair. I’m not sure that I’d call it that. After he cheated and abused me relentlessly for about 10 years, I had a slew of awful things happen. I had two babies I didn’t carry to term. Then they found a breast lump and I spent a month waiting for test after test until that did a surgical lumpectomy, it was benign but those things are just the tip of the iceberg. He was mad I put on weight and left me in 2015. I quit antidepressants and anti anxiety meds Cold turkey to make him happy in hopes he’d come back and that coupled with all the stress, I literally was having a nervous breakdown.

he knew it too and kept doing things to hurt me them leave me alone and in pieces. He hadn’t touched me for 4 months before he left, my psychiatrist and therapist were no help. I’d had enough. I was a mess. Lonely, scared, I met my breaking point. He also insisted we were not getting back together. 
 

in a night of emotional frenzy I went to my old boss’s house and we kissed and sort of made out after a few drinks. Then a month later my husband came back and I was scared to tell him. Also didn’t want our youngest son to suffer any more violence in the home. I vowed to tell him after our youngest son graduated two years later, I’ve beat myself up relentlessly for that one night and it made me think of how he could cheat on me for three solid years. Literally live a double life! 
It made me look at all of that and a whole new light, like if I did that while we were separated and beat myself up every single day afterwards how could he be so cruel to just repeatedly do it over and over and over again for years.

yet when I confessed he showed me absolutely no mercy he lost his mind and was physically attacking me for a few weeks until finally I just packed up and left out of fear.

After all I tolerated from him and truthfully he is the reason that I went there that night, all those years of abuse and neglect I just couldn’t take anymore and I needed somebody to hold me and make me feel better, make me feel loved. 
so I wouldn’t really call what I did an affair but I guess since we were still married technically it would be cheating despite the fact that we were separated and he insisted he was never coming back.

 

[mary1974]

And also for those of you saying something else was involved you couldn’t be further from the truth. There was no wealthy relative there was nothing to gain other than he was the only thing I had ever known. He was my high school sweetheart from 15 years old on. And the first half of our marriage was not that way. He was very good to me the first 10 years of our marriage it was only the last 15 or so that the abuse occurred and it was mixed with amazing moments of bliss.

And you absolutely have no idea what you’re saying when you say there’s endless resources and he would’ve been in jail. Especially when the law field every time I went to them. One night he was on top of me choking me he’d been shoving me around all night. He got off of me and when I got my bearings he came at me again and I swung a  crutch at him. Then  I picked up the phone to call the police And he yanked it out of my hand and had me arrested instead. That’s how good he is making people believe what he wants. He Didn’t have a mark on him but I was covered in bruises and had to go to the ER with the police that night before I got booked. 
 

The therapist that I see specializes in trauma and PTSD and she says this happens more times than she’d care to admit. The victim calls for help and the victim gets carted off because they are the ones who are irate etc.
 

I tried for help one other time and they also believed him. So trust me there’s nothing more to the story. And anyone who understands narcissistic abuse knows why it’s so hard to leave. They keep you constantly off balance when they throw in kindness mixed in with abuse and keep you unstable in you’re thinking. 
 

I suggest you educate yourself on the subject before you start casting judgment on something that you’ve never personally experienced. And you also haven’t walked a mile in my shoes so you also can’t judge me there either.

I didn’t come on here to be talked down to, judged and disrespected even more. 
 

It’s Amazing how people think it’s so easy when they haven’t walked a mile in someone else’s shoes and don’t understand their entire situation. I would never stay with somebody because of money. I stayed because when the times were good they were amazing. And he was the only man I’d ever even kissed.

I grew up in a home with extreme domestic violence as well so chaos was my norm. When I left I would cry for months because I never really experienced such peace. So please get off your soapboxes and your high horses. hopefully you never have to fall into a narcissistic abusive situation because you will eat the words that you throw out to everyone else in the judgment that you cast. 

I do realize that I stayed too long, I realize my part in it so I didn’t have enough self-worth, or belief in myself that I could have better or deserved better. I’m not saying I’m completely innocent, but I’m saying that you don’t understand the entire circumstances and they were quite extenuating. And addition to PTSD I also have OCD and it makes change almost unbearable for me. For me I would rather stay in an uncomfortable dangerous situation then experience the intense fear of things being different that my OCD and PTSD cause.

And if there were endless resources and it was so easy for women to get help these days there wouldn’t be a million people like me who stayed in abusive relationships way too long. People write books about it every single day. There’s a reason for that. And until you’ve experienced it yourself please don’t talk.

 

 

[mary1974]

My therapist even said I have extreme trauma bonds. Almost like a form of Stockholm syndrome. He quite literally had me brainwashed, even our own kids knew it and say it even now. Friends and family saw it too. With all the stuff I have going on mentally and having been brainwashed and formed trauma bonds, trust me leaving is far from easy. He has his ways of worming back into my brain.

[mary1974]

I honestly don’t think I’ll bother to ever come back to the site now reading some of the stuff that was said. The last thing I need is to be upset more. It seems there are abusive gas lighters everywhere in this world, even forums that are supposed to be for helping others. 

[JimmyNorth]

57 minutes ago, mary1974 said:

I honestly don’t think I’ll bother to ever come back to the site now reading some of the stuff that was said. The last thing I need is to be upset more. It seems there are abusive gas lighters everywhere in this world, even forums that are supposed to be for helping others. 

I can certainly understand your need to feel loved. I actually would’ve hoped you’d find comfort with another man who was genuine and would help you wake up from your nightmare. 

If you can find another man who TRULY loves you and treats you like a human, then maybe your H would have no real mental hold on you anymore. The trauma would automatically turn into disgust with your H.

[schlumpy]

Hi Mary,

Your post engendered all kind of thoughts in my head. Twenty-seven years is a long time to put up with the type of abuse you described. You don't mention being fervently religious, or any other strong outside values that you were living up to in your marriage. I didn't see a mention of deep love although I assume that's why you stayed so long.

I have to line up with StillAFool that this is more about you than him.

I think the answers you are seeking are internal and you will never heal and move on as a whole person if your answers must come from your EX. He will just do what does best and that is spin. I'm very surprised that you still allowing him to communicate with you. Something inside of you won't let go and I can't tell what that is from what you have written.

The only way for you to look at this is that it was a big mistake in your life that you are culpable for. He may have done everything you said but you are the one who stayed within his field of fire. The one thing you had control over you gave to him.

You will not heal until you take that back fully and you will take it back until you can keep yourself from responding to him.

So, I want you buy a bottle of your favorite beverage not necessarily alcohol. Gather up all your memorabilia from your marriage and that means anything that connects you to the marriage. Build a nice little mound out of it, pop open your beverage and make a vow that this a new start for your life. Ask for help from God is that is meaningful to you. Then set that pile of garbage on fire and let it burn. Anything that won't burn dispose of it in the trash. It's best to be ritualistic about it or have a few friends over to help you celebrate.

In the future, if you have the misfortune of talking to your EX again and he asks about any of those things, just say very calmly that you burned all of it. Don't respond to his rejoinder.

Meanwhile, try out some type of mind calming activities like Yoga or meditation. No matter what you decide to do it will take time for you to make your way back to your center.

Make a better choice next time. Use this experience as a guide to what not to do. Know yourself and your limits.

I am truly sorry you are so unhappy.

[understand50]

14 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

While its true you never forget, I really believe that after a long while you don't give a crap anymore. When I say "don't give a crap", I'm thinking along the lines of that it's not top of mind and you have so much more going on that you rarely think of it.

Probably a better way of saying it.  As you never forget, it does lose the ability to make you feel like crap, but that is just another way of dealing with it. 

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, mary1974 said:

and Mark, as far as me having an affair...

Ok, thanks for responding.

[pepperbird]

19 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

While its true you never forget, I really believe that after a long while you don't give a crap anymore. When I say "don't give a crap", I'm thinking along the lines of that it's not top of mind and you have so much more going on that you rarely think of it.

no offence, but why do you feel you are qualified to speak to how a BS feels  when you aren't one?

[pepperbird]

11 hours ago, mary1974 said:

Well for those that say I’m keeping myself in the situation, I left him almost 3 years ago. Left everything I’ve ever owned and walked away with 3 bags and my dog. I’ve been through hell fighting to start my life over with absolutely nothing that I ever worked for etc at 45 years old. So trust me, I’m not “keeping myself” in anything. I’m 1200 miles away to be exact.

however he absolutely does have something about him that sucks people in and makes them believe and makes them chase and want him. You can’t judge until you’ve actually experienced it for yourself. He has been known to make trained professionals believe anything he says.

and Mark, as far as me having an affair. I’m not sure that I’d call it that. After he cheated and abused me relentlessly for about 10 years, I had a slew of awful things happen. I had two babies I didn’t carry to term. Then they found a breast lump and I spent a month waiting for test after test until that did a surgical lumpectomy, it was benign but those things are just the tip of the iceberg. He was mad I put on weight and left me in 2015. I quit antidepressants and anti anxiety meds Cold turkey to make him happy in hopes he’d come back and that coupled with all the stress, I literally was having a nervous breakdown.

he knew it too and kept doing things to hurt me them leave me alone and in pieces. He hadn’t touched me for 4 months before he left, my psychiatrist and therapist were no help. I’d had enough. I was a mess. Lonely, scared, I met my breaking point. He also insisted we were not getting back together. 
 

in a night of emotional frenzy I went to my old boss’s house and we kissed and sort of made out after a few drinks. Then a month later my husband came back and I was scared to tell him. Also didn’t want our youngest son to suffer any more violence in the home. I vowed to tell him after our youngest son graduated two years later, I’ve beat myself up relentlessly for that one night and it made me think of how he could cheat on me for three solid years. Literally live a double life! 
It made me look at all of that and a whole new light, like if I did that while we were separated and beat myself up every single day afterwards how could he be so cruel to just repeatedly do it over and over and over again for years.

yet when I confessed he showed me absolutely no mercy he lost his mind and was physically attacking me for a few weeks until finally I just packed up and left out of fear.

After all I tolerated from him and truthfully he is the reason that I went there that night, all those years of abuse and neglect I just couldn’t take anymore and I needed somebody to hold me and make me feel better, make me feel loved. 
so I wouldn’t really call what I did an affair but I guess since we were still married technically it would be cheating despite the fact that we were separated and he insisted he was never coming back.

 

whoa for just a second here...you aid he was also abusing you SON?
Madam, if he was violent towards your son, please call the police. Don't allow him to get away with that.

Speaking as another woman who was abused, reporting it helped it take my power back. It took a long time and a lot of visits to the police, but he was eventually arrested and charged. For at least a few years, he couldn't hurt anyone anymore.