Should I stay

[GenLondon]

I'm feeling so confused at the moment.

I've been with my partner for 5 years with a break of a year in the middle, and things aren't right. We are good friends, but we don't have sex, don't go to bed or wake up at the same time (so it feels like I sleep alone every night), barely hug, and only have a peck on the cheek before I go to bed. There's no passion or romance at all. We don't spend a lot of time together (he games a lot), but when we do spend time together he's on his phone a lot or we sit in silence in front of the telly. When we do talk it's great and we make each other laugh, if I ever need anything he's more than willing to help, he calls me cute names and he's great with my cats - which is why I'm struggling to know whether to leave. I'm 33 and would love a family one day. We've had so many arguments about our lack of sex, but he gets defensive and shuts the conversation down, saying if I just leave it alone and don't 'nag' him about it maybe he'll feel like doing it more. To give you an idea, it's about 3-4 times a year.

A few months ago, a friend told me that he thinks I'm hot, something I've not heard in a long time and believed no one would ever see me like that. Something inside me clicked, I started taking care of myself, working out and losing weight, and NOT believing the crap that he makes me feel about myself. It's not that I want to be in a relationship with this friend, I don't, but just realising that someone might find me attractive and not this ugly troll that his lack of sex and affection has made me feel like was like a light bulb moment! So now I'm really confused, do I stay with someone who doesn't want/feel like being romantic and passionate with me or leave and throw away the good things we have. We used to argue about it all the time, and I'd do anything to try and make the relationship work, but the last few months I've felt myself pull away from him. I no longer care if we don't have sex (it wasn't that great anyway), I don't want to fight about it, I don't mind if we don't hug or kiss. I'm scared of being on my own and never finding someone who will love me, even the small amount he does.

Any advice or comments would be appreciated. Thanks

[Mystery4u]

You already know the answer and want confirmation. You 100% leave.

You are not happy, he is not matching your expectations, you want a family and are not getting younger, you are wasting your time with him.

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, GenLondon said:

I'm feeling so confused at the moment.

I've been with my partner for 5 years with a break of a year in the middle, and things aren't right. We are good friends, but we don't have sex, don't go to bed or wake up at the same time (so it feels like I sleep alone every night), barely hug, and only have a peck on the cheek before I go to bed. There's no passion or romance at all. We don't spend a lot of time together (he games a lot), but when we do spend time together he's on his phone a lot or we sit in silence in front of the telly. When we do talk it's great and we make each other laugh, if I ever need anything he's more than willing to help, he calls me cute names and he's great with my cats - which is why I'm struggling to know whether to leave. I'm 33 and would love a family one day. We've had so many arguments about our lack of sex, but he gets defensive and shuts the conversation down, saying if I just leave it alone and don't 'nag' him about it maybe he'll feel like doing it more. To give you an idea, it's about 3-4 times a year.

A few months ago, a friend told me that he thinks I'm hot, something I've not heard in a long time and believed no one would ever see me like that. Something inside me clicked, I started taking care of myself, working out and losing weight, and NOT believing the crap that he makes me feel about myself. It's not that I want to be in a relationship with this friend, I don't, but just realising that someone might find me attractive and not this ugly troll that his lack of sex and affection has made me feel like was like a light bulb moment! So now I'm really confused, do I stay with someone who doesn't want/feel like being romantic and passionate with me or leave and throw away the good things we have. We used to argue about it all the time, and I'd do anything to try and make the relationship work, but the last few months I've felt myself pull away from him. I no longer care if we don't have sex (it wasn't that great anyway), I don't want to fight about it, I don't mind if we don't hug or kiss. I'm scared of being on my own and never finding someone who will love me, even the small amount he does.

Any advice or comments would be appreciated. Thanks

I agree with the other poster.

If hes not willing or wanting to be intimate.. logically speaking how will it get from that  to then having a family.

And for a man to refrain from physical activity with his partner is most unusual. Something  else is going on here.

Sorry but you're young...and this relationship probably isn't for you.

 

Edited June 1, 2020 by miranda561

[d0nnivain]

Your BF doesn't sound like a BF at all but rather a comfortable old pair of sweats.  If you want a family, he's not your guy.  

Ball is in your court.  Do you want this pale imitation of a romance or do you want a fulfilling life?  You can only have one.  He won't change to be a great, loving, romantic partner.  So what will it be?  Answer that & you will know what to do

[Fox Sake]

Everyone here is absolutely correct. 
You've answered your own question many times over in your thread. 
 

3-4 times a year for sex is insane. Like it’s literally the bear minimum to keep you around by the sounds of it. 
You say he’s a gamer. Does he smoke a lot of weed? If he does , before you decide to go or stay I suggest you tackle that issue and see if it does anything to his sex drive and seemingly boring and uninterested personality. It doesn’t agree with everyone and for some people it can have very negative effects. This is ONLY if you see a future with him. I know you don’t , but it’s only fair I put that option out there so you can make up your own mind. 
 

At the end of the day tho , you really need to do what’s best for you. Feeling the way you do is not how a relationship should work. And reflecting on a past relationship of mine  when I was younger , it becomes a force of habit that you stay together. 

youve already started pulling away from him and stopped caring about the sex. So I honestly feel like you’ve already checked out of this relationship , and just need a gentle push in the right direction.  

Edited June 1, 2020 by Fox Sake

[chillii]

 

Nope nothing else is going on here he's simply lost interest , happens all the time and it's not really about looks , well it can be you bet if she's piled on weight or let herself go but it can happen otherwise regardless too . And the bigger deal the other one turns it into the more pressure it's turned into and will just push him or her away even further.

Sorry but l don't think there's anything a partner can do especially if he hasn't responded to you getting into even better shape. intimacy long term comes from the whole relationship there's a saying it doesn't start when you go to bed it starts from when you get up in the morning. Sounds like it's all been on the friends plane to him for quite awhile now.

[Gr8fuln2020]

2 hours ago, GenLondon said:

I'm feeling so confused at the moment.

I've been with my partner for 5 years with a break of a year in the middle, and things aren't right. We are good friends, but we don't have sex, don't go to bed or wake up at the same time (so it feels like I sleep alone every night), barely hug, and only have a peck on the cheek before I go to bed. There's no passion or romance at all. We don't spend a lot of time together (he games a lot), but when we do spend time together he's on his phone a lot or we sit in silence in front of the telly. When we do talk it's great and we make each other laugh, if I ever need anything he's more than willing to help, he calls me cute names and he's great with my cats - which is why I'm struggling to know whether to leave. I'm 33 and would love a family one day. We've had so many arguments about our lack of sex, but he gets defensive and shuts the conversation down, saying if I just leave it alone and don't 'nag' him about it maybe he'll feel like doing it more. To give you an idea, it's about 3-4 times a year.

A few months ago, a friend told me that he thinks I'm hot, something I've not heard in a long time and believed no one would ever see me like that. Something inside me clicked, I started taking care of myself, working out and losing weight, and NOT believing the crap that he makes me feel about myself. It's not that I want to be in a relationship with this friend, I don't, but just realising that someone might find me attractive and not this ugly troll that his lack of sex and affection has made me feel like was like a light bulb moment! So now I'm really confused, do I stay with someone who doesn't want/feel like being romantic and passionate with me or leave and throw away the good things we have. We used to argue about it all the time, and I'd do anything to try and make the relationship work, but the last few months I've felt myself pull away from him. I no longer care if we don't have sex (it wasn't that great anyway), I don't want to fight about it, I don't mind if we don't hug or kiss. I'm scared of being on my own and never finding someone who will love me, even the small amount he does.

Any advice or comments would be appreciated. Thanks

What do you have now? He has lost interest in you for whatever reason. You actually don't speak very favorably about him when you try (it wasn't that great anyway). Was the sex ever that frequent and good? What happened before the changes? Is he depressed? Is he behaving in a way that may indicate that he is getting sex elsewhere? 

[smackie9]

Sounds to me you are ready to move on. Have that conversation with him....you tried to resolve the issues and all he had done is shut down. You did everything you could. Tell him you are not happy, and it's time to realize things are at an end. Move out, start your new life, be happy.

[GenLondon]

Thanks for all your responses.

@Fox Sake  no he hasn't smoked weed for as long as I've known him, he just games a lot, almost all day at the weekends. I think it's his way of escaping everyday life. When we do try and talk about the lack of intimacy he's said he doesn't feel confident about his body. I've told him I don't have a problem at all with the way he looks, but have always supported him in trying to eat better and do more but he fights me every step of the way. He complains he's bored of 'healthy' food, and refuses to do any exercise.

@Gr8fuln2020  when we first got together the sex was frequent and great, but now when it does happen there's no foreplay at all, it's like he wants it over and done with and that's what makes me say it isn't great, it doesn't feel sexy at all. I don't know if he's depressed, I've tried asking but he won't open up to me. I pretty sure he's not getting sex elsewhere, but I know he used to watch an awful lot of porn, not sure if he still does because I don't want to invade his privacy. For years I was upset because I could never live up to the girls in porn, I tried everything to get his attention away from that and onto me, maybe I took the thrill of the chase away by throwing myself at him all the time?

I do feel like I've checked out, I just don't know how to end it without hurting him. Deep down he's a good guy.

[Fox Sake]

2 hours ago, GenLondon said:

Thanks for all your responses.

@Fox Sake  no he hasn't smoked weed for as long as I've known him, he just games a lot, almost all day at the weekends. I think it's his way of escaping everyday life. When we do try and talk about the lack of intimacy he's said he doesn't feel confident about his body. I've told him I don't have a problem at all with the way he looks, but have always supported him in trying to eat better and do more but he fights me every step of the way. He complains he's bored of 'healthy' food, and refuses to do any exercise.

@Gr8fuln2020  when we first got together the sex was frequent and great, but now when it does happen there's no foreplay at all, it's like he wants it over and done with and that's what makes me say it isn't great, it doesn't feel sexy at all. I don't know if he's depressed, I've tried asking but he won't open up to me. I pretty sure he's not getting sex elsewhere, but I know he used to watch an awful lot of porn, not sure if he still does because I don't want to invade his privacy. For years I was upset because I could never live up to the girls in porn, I tried everything to get his attention away from that and onto me, maybe I took the thrill of the chase away by throwing myself at him all the time?

I do feel like I've checked out, I just don't know how to end it without hurting him. Deep down he's a good guy.

Okay that clears things up a bit. It really sounds like you’re farting against thunder with this guy. 

Unfortunately there isn’t any way of leaving someone,  with out one party at the very least, feeling hurt.  
 

The longer you wait the harder it will be. Summer is just around the corner and this is a great time for you to focus on you. It sounds very unfair what you’re going through and I can almost guarantee he’s watching porn behind your back cos what guy only gets horny 4 times a year .... he sounds inherently lazy and not willing to open up to you in any way . That’s not a relationship  

 

[preraph]

No, you don't stay with him.  He sounds absolutely useless.  Surely you are better alone.  

[miranda561]

3 hours ago, GenLondon said:

Thanks for all your responses.

@Fox Sake  no he hasn't smoked weed for as long as I've known him, he just games a lot, almost all day at the weekends. I think it's his way of escaping everyday life. When we do try and talk about the lack of intimacy he's said he doesn't feel confident about his body. I've told him I don't have a problem at all with the way he looks, but have always supported him in trying to eat better and do more but he fights me every step of the way. He complains he's bored of 'healthy' food, and refuses to do any exercise.

@Gr8fuln2020  when we first got together the sex was frequent and great, but now when it does happen there's no foreplay at all, it's like he wants it over and done with and that's what makes me say it isn't great, it doesn't feel sexy at all. I don't know if he's depressed, I've tried asking but he won't open up to me. I pretty sure he's not getting sex elsewhere, but I know he used to watch an awful lot of porn, not sure if he still does because I don't want to invade his privacy. For years I was upset because I could never live up to the girls in porn, I tried everything to get his attention away from that and onto me, maybe I took the thrill of the chase away by throwing myself at him all the time?

I do feel like I've checked out, I just don't know how to end it without hurting him. Deep down he's a good guy.

As i said earlier. His behaviour isn't normal. 

Its upto you what you want to do now. He hasn't got any enthusiasm for you at all. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

I would be naive to suggest that you stay... and unfair to you. The sex was once frequent and great, but now zip. When you two do have sex, coitus, does he lose his erection quickly? Any reason to believe there is a medical/physical reason for erectile dysfunction? Does he enjoy you touching him at all?
You mentioned that you are now getting back to fitness. Do you think it is your weight? Does he notice in any way to your body changes? 
 

[GenLondon]

@Gr8fuln2020  I used to notice he'd lose his erection a bit between changing positions, but sex is so infrequent and fast now that I havent noticed it recently. He doesnt make much noise when I touch him, but he does get an erection. I stood in front of him naked a few months ago and he said he didn't feel anything. My weight was the same as when we first got together up to a few months ago, since getting back into fitness I've lost 16 pounds, he says he can't see a difference.

@Fox Sake  I appreciate your honesty, thanks. I think maybe he is a bit lazy, in lots of ways. He doesn't want to work on our relationship or himself. My worry is that he's very understanding of my past. I was raped when I was younger, and hes always been supportive about it. Would my past put off future men and relationships?

[rjc149]

10 hours ago, GenLondon said:

I'm scared of being on my own and never finding someone who will love me, even the small amount he does.

And this is the crux of your matter. 

First thing's first, obviously don't remain in a relationship that makes you unhappy, just for the sake of being in a relationship. 

Because you only have two options. You can remain in this relationship and remain unhappy. Or you can end it, learn to be single, learn to not equate being alone with being lonely, learn to be happy and confident as a single woman, and put yourself in a position to find a relationship that isn't simply filling a gap. 

Or you can find a new relationship while you're still in this one, line it up, and make sure the branch is solid before you swing to it. Which is what many women do too. It's dishonest and selfish but it's so common that it's practically standard operating procedure. 

Edited June 1, 2020 by rjc149

[Malin889]

I agree with everyone else. It sounds like you are checked out and just need some help breaking it off. When are you seeing him next? Can you meet up with him tonight? I think it's time to tell him that you care about him but you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. If it makes things easier, I feel like he's thinking the same thing, he's just either waiting for you to say it or he really wants to say it but doesn't want to hurt you either. Someone needs to say it and I think the someone is you. Good luck. It will be ok.

[Fox Sake]

1 hour ago, GenLondon said:

@Fox Sake  I was raped when I was younger, and hes always been supportive about it. Would my past put off future men and relationships?

That’s awful.... =[ 

No not at all. The past is the past. It’s given you strength you have. If anyone judges you on it , they aren’t human. I can’t see how there wouldn’t be anyone who would be supportive. 

 

Edited June 1, 2020 by Fox Sake

[GenLondon]

Thanks @Fox Sake  that's really kind of you. I've always thought of it as baggage no one else would want to deal with. I cope with it well, just occasionally it comes to the surface and I get upset.

@Malin889  we live together, in a rented house. We spend about an hour a night together though. I will pluck up the courage and tell him, it needs to be said and we both deserve to be happy. I'm scared of lockdown meaning we'll have to be in the same house for a while afterwards, but I dont want to wait any longer.

Thank you all for your advice and support, it's been really good to get everything off my chest and hear what you have to say ❤  much love and hope you're all safe and healthy

[Gr8fuln2020]

He (and you) sounds like he has given up, for whatever reason. Yeah, find a way break out of this before you waste more of your life in a relationship that is unfulfilling. I wonder what would happen if you tell him that you are leaving. Would you get a reaction? Probably and in the short term, change, but suspect it will be right back where it was before. 

You are attractive (other men say as much), it actually sounds like you are, at least, proud of the physical gains since exercising, etc. So, there is some level of confidence, right? Don't let this guy destroy your obvious desire to want more in life. 

[miranda561]

It  sounds like hes not physically or mentally attracted to you anymore. Ive heard stories like this before where the guy doesn't find his partner sexually attractive no more..(due to weight gain or her letting go)..just a possibility here

He would probably regain that  with someone  else. And likewise  for you.

But this ain't  it. 

Edited June 2, 2020 by miranda561

[Malin889]

4 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

He (and you) sounds like he has given up, for whatever reason. Yeah, find a way break out of this before you waste more of your life in a relationship that is unfulfilling. I wonder what would happen if you tell him that you are leaving. Would you get a reaction? Probably and in the short term, change, but suspect it will be right back where it was before. 

You are attractive (other men say as much), it actually sounds like you are, at least, proud of the physical gains since exercising, etc. So, there is some level of confidence, right? Don't let this guy destroy your obvious desire to want more in life. 

I was going to say something similar -- you have confidence, don't let him bring you down.    I hope you were able to talk last night! 

[Malin889]

On 6/1/2020 at 6:37 PM, GenLondon said:

Thanks @Fox Sake  that's really kind of you. I've always thought of it as baggage no one else would want to deal with. I cope with it well, just occasionally it comes to the surface and I get upset.

@Malin889  we live together, in a rented house. We spend about an hour a night together though. I will pluck up the courage and tell him, it needs to be said and we both deserve to be happy. I'm scared of lockdown meaning we'll have to be in the same house for a while afterwards, but I dont want to wait any longer.

Thank you all for your advice and support, it's been really good to get everything off my chest and hear what you have to say ❤  much love and hope you're all safe and healthy

Good luck! I hope everything goes well. 

[simpycurious]

Well, I have no advice in reference to the gaming since I have NEVER played an online video game as sad as that may be but the lack of intimacy is hard to get past. I would say that this relationship is all but doomed in your regard. It's hard to start over (believe I know) but you gotta do it for YOU.  You owe yourself the chance to be happy, have a family, and live a contented life. In the end, you determine your own destiny, your own path, and your own contentment. 

[GenLondon]

@Malin889 and everyone else, I truly appreciate everything you've said. I do want more from life, and I didn't see how sad I was until a few months ago. It's heartbreaking because I do care about him.

We talked last night and I told him that it's not fair on either of us to be tied to something that doesn't resemble a relationship. He blamed me for pulling away in the last few months and said that's why he's not been trying to make an effort. From my point of view I've been trying for years to get us back on track, and my heart has just given up. I don't know that if he did really try recently it would have made a difference, but if you want something badly enough you fight for it not matter what resistance you're up against. Anyway, we're now stuck in the same house together until he finds somewhere new to move to so things are a little tense today, but I'm thinking about all the things I'm looking forward to and trying to stay strong and positive.

Much love to you all x

[Malin889]

12 hours ago, GenLondon said:

@Malin889 and everyone else, I truly appreciate everything you've said. I do want more from life, and I didn't see how sad I was until a few months ago. It's heartbreaking because I do care about him.

We talked last night and I told him that it's not fair on either of us to be tied to something that doesn't resemble a relationship. He blamed me for pulling away in the last few months and said that's why he's not been trying to make an effort. From my point of view I've been trying for years to get us back on track, and my heart has just given up. I don't know that if he did really try recently it would have made a difference, but if you want something badly enough you fight for it not matter what resistance you're up against. Anyway, we're now stuck in the same house together until he finds somewhere new to move to so things are a little tense today, but I'm thinking about all the things I'm looking forward to and trying to stay strong and positive.

Much love to you all x

That must be hard to have to live together! Well, I hope he's motivated to move out and does so quickly so it's not so awkward. Maybe you can go stay with your parents/siblings for a while until he finds a new place to live?