dinkydahlia Posted May 31, 2020 Posted May 31, 2020 Im 42 btw. Thats right old haha. So. A few months ago i matched with a guy. I didnt give him much of a second glance as he hadnt put much in his profile. He messaged, we exchanged a few back and forths about what we're up to. I didnt message back quickly, he petered out. Then got back in touch to say hi couple weeks later. I offered him my number, he didnt get in touch. Just kept messaging. Then friended me on FB. This went on for a few months til beginning of may. I deleted my acct and PM'd him on FB to say id left as there was nobody id connected with but if he wanted to message me there id be happy to see his lovely face. Flirty, yes? So he carried on messaging there. And said he felt the same about the website. Aaaaand nothing. The crux of it is, ive looked at him on FB and am interested. Is it clear already hes not interested?
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2020 Posted May 31, 2020 Sadly it is clear he's not interested. I hated OLD. Assuming it's safe to do so, find things to do in real life that help you meet people. If that is not an option, perhaps change websites / platforms. 1
Author dinkydahlia Posted May 31, 2020 Author Posted May 31, 2020 Ugh. I do hate it too. Im a single mum who works full time, so if i do get chance to go out its usually for a dance project i belong to or to see a friend. OLD is the pits. Thank you for your answer, its really helpful! 1
Versacehottie Posted May 31, 2020 Posted May 31, 2020 i don't think you should pursue it. You've given it enough chances. His apathy alone should be a deterrent. And he does not sound interested, so why invest yourself any further? What I don't like about what you said in your answer above is basically that OLD is hard and that you are a single mum who is busy---while all those things can be true, the way you state them signals a mindset that makes it feel like you are primed to "accept less". You just have to remind yourself that you are worth more and do the "hard" things initially (ie bad dates, go thru bad people but keep your standards intact and carve out time and be creative and flirty more often) in order to get the bigger prize; not hope it's easy and accept a less than guy. Obviously you did nothing wrong, but try to work on your outlook so you don't get stuck with a loser. Good luck 2 1
preraph Posted May 31, 2020 Posted May 31, 2020 He sounds like one of the many out there who are just killing time or waxing their fantasies over the internet and not functioning enough or perhaps unattached enough to put words to action. Just drop him. 4 1
chillii Posted June 1, 2020 Posted June 1, 2020 Sorry but nah , he's not too into it. But , sometimes it's none of the aboves but just the simple fact that often us guys just have to feel it too but after a few chit chats that's just not happening. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted June 1, 2020 Posted June 1, 2020 1 hour ago, chillii said: Sorry but nah , he's not too into it. But , sometimes it's none of the aboves but just the simple fact that often us guys just have to feel it too but after a few chit chats that's just not happening. Agree... For whatever reason he is stringing along/just wants to talk. If a guy is interested, he will try to take it off the apps.. Don’t waste your time. Next! 1 1 1
miranda561 Posted June 1, 2020 Posted June 1, 2020 (edited) 21 hours ago, dinkydahlia said: Im 42 btw. Thats right old haha. So. A few months ago i matched with a guy. I didnt give him much of a second glance as he hadnt put much in his profile. He messaged, we exchanged a few back and forths about what we're up to. I didnt message back quickly, he petered out. Then got back in touch to say hi couple weeks later. I offered him my number, he didnt get in touch. Just kept messaging. Then friended me on FB. This went on for a few months til beginning of may. I deleted my acct and PM'd him on FB to say id left as there was nobody id connected with but if he wanted to message me there id be happy to see his lovely face. Flirty, yes? So he carried on messaging there. And said he felt the same about the website. Aaaaand nothing. The crux of it is, ive looked at him on FB and am interested. Is it clear already hes not interested? I agree with everyone else. I mean you offered your number. And he didnt do a thing about it. Unfortunately he sounds like hes e tethering Edited June 1, 2020 by miranda561 1
Author dinkydahlia Posted June 1, 2020 Author Posted June 1, 2020 19 hours ago, Versacehottie said: i don't think you should pursue it. You've given it enough chances. His apathy alone should be a deterrent. And he does not sound interested, so why invest yourself any further? What I don't like about what you said in your answer above is basically that OLD is hard and that you are a single mum who is busy---while all those things can be true, the way you state them signals a mindset that makes it feel like you are primed to "accept less". You just have to remind yourself that you are worth more and do the "hard" things initially (ie bad dates, go thru bad people but keep your standards intact and carve out time and be creative and flirty more often) in order to get the bigger prize; not hope it's easy and accept a less than guy. Obviously you did nothing wrong, but try to work on your outlook so you don't get stuck with a loser. Good luck Well, i felt like i was the one being apathetic originally, and now ive decided to start trying to properly date? Ive been doing this for 3 years on and off and have met and closed the door on quite a few wastes of time. Then i became indifferent (and shouldnt have done it). Now i want to take what ive learned, from experience and here!, and actually find someone to genuinely date. Even in lockdown ha. Thanks for your perspective and advice, its welcome and im sure ill be back! 1
Author dinkydahlia Posted June 1, 2020 Author Posted June 1, 2020 2 hours ago, miranda561 said: I agree with everyone else. I mean you offered your number. And he didnt do a thing about it. Unfortunately he sounds like hes e tethering Ha this is the first time ive heard the term e-tethering!
Author dinkydahlia Posted June 1, 2020 Author Posted June 1, 2020 15 minutes ago, kendahke said: He sounds like he's married. Hes definitely not married, but thanks
Versacehottie Posted June 1, 2020 Posted June 1, 2020 25 minutes ago, dinkydahlia said: Well, i felt like i was the one being apathetic originally, and now ive decided to start trying to properly date? Ive been doing this for 3 years on and off and have met and closed the door on quite a few wastes of time. Then i became indifferent (and shouldnt have done it). Now i want to take what ive learned, from experience and here!, and actually find someone to genuinely date. Even in lockdown ha. Thanks for your perspective and advice, its welcome and im sure ill be back! yeah well if you feel apathetic, maybe he's not actually compelling to you and it's just the recent events that have caused you to attribute more value to him. I think you should focus on the fact that this guy didn't excite you in order to feel empowered about the situation. Know you deserve better and have the strength & are very worthy in order to find it. Mentally wish him the best but keep moving on for what you want. I think that kind of a mindset will keep you going. Rather than waiting to be picked, put yourself in the creator of your life role, active vs passive. It will definitely help some. I think online is really hard and does give that feeling of indifference and exhaustion or that things are dismal. Even though you have limited time, do the hard work to find ways to find places and people you can flirt with to expand your social connections. One of the best things you can do is take your regular routine life and look for how you can make it more rich and connected without changing really a thing. I use this example all the time but you can literally be more open and receptive in line at starbucks....or start a conversation there. It can not necessarily be the DIRECT way to meet the love of your life but even if you are just open it almost always transfers to other things and new connections even with women can lead to this person. Good luck
Author dinkydahlia Posted June 1, 2020 Author Posted June 1, 2020 25 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: yeah well if you feel apathetic, maybe he's not actually compelling to you and it's just the recent events that have caused you to attribute more value to him. I think you should focus on the fact that this guy didn't excite you in order to feel empowered about the situation. Know you deserve better and have the strength & are very worthy in order to find it. Mentally wish him the best but keep moving on for what you want. I think that kind of a mindset will keep you going. Rather than waiting to be picked, put yourself in the creator of your life role, active vs passive. It will definitely help some. I think online is really hard and does give that feeling of indifference and exhaustion or that things are dismal. Even though you have limited time, do the hard work to find ways to find places and people you can flirt with to expand your social connections. One of the best things you can do is take your regular routine life and look for how you can make it more rich and connected without changing really a thing. I use this example all the time but you can literally be more open and receptive in line at starbucks....or start a conversation there. It can not necessarily be the DIRECT way to meet the love of your life but even if you are just open it almost always transfers to other things and new connections even with women can lead to this person. Good luck Ha, ok, thats a great suggestion and very certainly applicable to me. I can easily try and be more open and friendly. Im clearly doing something wrong as nobody ive dated in these 3 years has been interested long term. Well, one guy, but still. Before child I was very outgoing and out most nights with friends, things are so different now. Ive worked on finding hobbies to improve myself but it hasnt translated into successful dating. It seems so hard these days, and things are so different to going out and just meeting people! 1
Ruby Slippers Posted June 1, 2020 Posted June 1, 2020 After a few stints of dating, I met my boyfriend on a dating site at age 43. Dating sites can work, but you have to be patient and go into with the understanding that you'll have to sift through many pieces of hay to find anything resembling that shiny needle in the haystack. Most of the men who message you aren't going to be a match, and they'll usually make that clear early on. 1
miranda561 Posted June 1, 2020 Posted June 1, 2020 2 hours ago, dinkydahlia said: Ha this is the first time ive heard the term e-tethering! I only learnt recently about it . But its a thing where the person doesnt have any real intentions. Just keeps the woman on a hook for an ego boost or when theyre bored.
Versacehottie Posted June 1, 2020 Posted June 1, 2020 3 hours ago, dinkydahlia said: Ha, ok, thats a great suggestion and very certainly applicable to me. I can easily try and be more open and friendly. Im clearly doing something wrong as nobody ive dated in these 3 years has been interested long term. Well, one guy, but still. Before child I was very outgoing and out most nights with friends, things are so different now. Ive worked on finding hobbies to improve myself but it hasnt translated into successful dating. It seems so hard these days, and things are so different to going out and just meeting people! Well don't beat yourself up. You just need to work the structure of the life you have and build upon that to find opportunities. Most people currently have their heads in a phone or look for the easy, direct way which tends to be unsatisfying of an app for dating. If you know these things to be true and accept them, you will start to find and look for opportunities if it's important to you and you have a good attitude about it, ie like Ruby said lots of people that are on an app. It's great that you are doing hobbies that improve yourself. Maybe in a way, you should also choose ones that are a little targeted where you might meet guys. You have limited time so it's one way to put things in place that support what you want. You could also do things that involve your child where maybe you would meet a single dad. If you think about it, that is a very good way to go about it. It's time you are going to spend with your chid anyway and single dads are probably in similar position to you where it is more of a challenge for them to make time and opportunities to meet people. And I think you might find some promising guys that way. Obviously take it a little slower if you are going to see them every day at drop off but still that is built into your life already
Author dinkydahlia Posted June 2, 2020 Author Posted June 2, 2020 10 hours ago, miranda561 said: I only learnt recently about it . But its a thing where the person doesnt have any real intentions. Just keeps the woman on a hook for an ego boost or when theyre bored. Honestly, that explains so much! Ooh why doesnt dating come with a manual eh? Its a little (lot) more complicated on the other side of divorce/having kids as it is!
Author dinkydahlia Posted June 2, 2020 Author Posted June 2, 2020 9 hours ago, Versacehottie said: Well don't beat yourself up. You just need to work the structure of the life you have and build upon that to find opportunities. Most people currently have their heads in a phone or look for the easy, direct way which tends to be unsatisfying of an app for dating. If you know these things to be true and accept them, you will start to find and look for opportunities if it's important to you and you have a good attitude about it, ie like Ruby said lots of people that are on an app. It's great that you are doing hobbies that improve yourself. Maybe in a way, you should also choose ones that are a little targeted where you might meet guys. You have limited time so it's one way to put things in place that support what you want. You could also do things that involve your child where maybe you would meet a single dad. If you think about it, that is a very good way to go about it. It's time you are going to spend with your chid anyway and single dads are probably in similar position to you where it is more of a challenge for them to make time and opportunities to meet people. And I think you might find some promising guys that way. Obviously take it a little slower if you are going to see them every day at drop off but still that is built into your life already Well I tell you what, school drop off dads better look out ha! Honestly ive felt fed up for a while so maybe its time to throw back my shoulders and start smiling again. I very much like your outlook on things, you seem like a positive person 1
Author dinkydahlia Posted June 2, 2020 Author Posted June 2, 2020 12 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: After a few stints of dating, I met my boyfriend on a dating site at age 43. Dating sites can work, but you have to be patient and go into with the understanding that you'll have to sift through many pieces of hay to find anything resembling that shiny needle in the haystack. Most of the men who message you aren't going to be a match, and they'll usually make that clear early on. Thank you. I think im starting to learn how to identify those and also be more assertive in who i am and who they are. It may have been a bad experience so far but its sure taught me a lot! Congrats to you finding a good one, it can be done then. Who knows, i may meet someone yet. I at least try and go with the philosophy that its fun trying! 1
Versacehottie Posted June 2, 2020 Posted June 2, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, dinkydahlia said: Well I tell you what, school drop off dads better look out ha! Honestly ive felt fed up for a while so maybe its time to throw back my shoulders and start smiling again. I very much like your outlook on things, you seem like a positive person Awww thank you so much I really like to observe people, things from a sociology perspective, science, economics etc to get results. And of course it's hard to remove the act of finding love, maintaining it, resolving communication by separating emotion--after all, that's kind of the point, right? We all want someone who adds emotional positive value to our lives. I honestly think that sometimes people can let their emotions misdirect their actions in the course of trying to find that or cause lack of action or apathy cause we believe on some level the act of finding love is fate driven, etc. It's truly a combo: you need good strategies and then hopefully you will be in right place at right time to have lightning strike. A person should be as prepared as possible and do things to optimize their chances---something that I would advocate for applying to ANYTHING you want in life. So I do think your plan to step back a little and work on yourself to optimize how you present in the world is a great thing. Little breaks are totally necessary because better things can come from it often. I think also some people (just in general not specific to you) can get into a mode where trying too hard or continuing to DIRECTLY try is at a point of diminishing returns and it can help the cause to back off a little. Like if your mind is getting into a bitter place due to repetitive bad online dates then does it serve you to keep trying hard to work that angle? Maybe not. Or if you value health and fitness and want a like minded person, but currently are not an your ideal weight or fitness does it make sense to actively try to find someone who will make rapid judgement when you are not showing yourself as you wish to be viewed? Or if you like a great guy friend perhaps romantically, does it make sense to keep showing him that you are actively on the dating scene, where it leaves him no space to pick up on the flirtation between you two and believe it has legs? Lol, just some ideas We've had an example on this forum more than a few times where a guy or the subject of a girl's post about some guy she is dating or likes doesn't have a job at all, yet wants to create an ideal relationship. It's a little backward to not fix employment issues before expecting to squeeze a great relationship out of that situation. The time is going to pass anyway so I definitely love the idea of creating the life you would like to be viewed as being about etc. If you are a long way off (or beating your head against the wall and need a fresh outlook), probably best to take a step back. If you are close to presenting like you want to be viewed, a person can do some of the search simultaneously. Like if you had the boyfriend of your dreams tomorrow, would the life he steps into of yours be one where you would be proud to show what it is or unabashedly you or one where you feel like the stuff you would be concealing or just a little too messy for him to see. Just an idea that I think sets people on the right course. Sounds like you are doing well and have a good sense of yourself. I look forward to hot dad updates or also exciting the best guy friend updates Good luck Edited June 2, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
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