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What is with grown ass men ghosting when you don't sleep with them right away?

Candygirl1414

By Candygirl1414
in Dating

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rjc149 Established Member

rjc149

Posted
Posted
On 5/30/2020 at 7:42 PM, Candygirl1414 said:

Does a guy really lose interest if you haven’t slept with him by date 3?!? Especially if I told you upfront that I wasn’t looking for hookups and you said you were okay with it!! 

Depends on what you consider "right away." I (35/M) don't consider sleeping with someone on the 3rd date "right away" or a "hookup." That's enough time to build rapport and comfort for sex if there is mutual attraction.

As far as I'm concerned, you're blue-balling these guys big time and they're cutting bait and moving on. And rightfully so. Grown-ass men don't have time to waste dating grown-ass women who won't put out because they're prudish about sex or they're trying to keep it as a bargaining chip.

I think these men graciously respected your boundaries acted like perfect gentleman in moments that were probably quite frustrating for them. 

Are you a virgin?

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

I think men expect sex, regardless of where you met (OLD or offline). If you set the boundaries with your dates "no sex" yet you invite them over, you are sending them mixed signals. Do not invite a guy over to your place to do anything, because he will always go with the expectation that sex with you is happening. Either don't invite guys over to your place until you've been dating for a couple of months consistently (being out of town for 6 weeks doesn't count), or take your "no sex" disclaimer off the table and have sex with multiple partners safely until you find "the one." 

Just stop sending these guys mixed messages. Stop inviting them over if you have told them "no sex," because inviting them over to your place equates sex to all men. 

Nah..this ain't true,....not for all men...

Everyone is different, and this whole business of what guys can expect at certain stages just suggests that everyone has the same life experiences...For one guy that thinks its great that she's blowing him after one half assed date, another guy thinks she's blown every dude in town, if she has so little restraint.....

There is no one set answer, nor should any guy assume that if a woman invites him over for dinner that it's a guaranteed lay....Who knows what she has on her mind?  Maybe it's a test to see if a guy is willing to be patient enough to wait a bit, so she has a good idea who  he is and what he's made of..

I'm not a woman, but I would think it must be pretty hard to navigate this...You got women all over the place putting out like cats in heat, while maybe you think it's better to wait so are you losing out?  I do understand that this is a pretty vulnerable position for a lot of women to do this without a thorough vetting of a particular guy...I get that completely...

I think part of the problem here is people are now dating for "sport" rather than actually searching for what they really want...In that case, sure, I guess if its not all fun and games right out of the gate, then move on to the next amusement park ride....then the next one if that one is no fun...

I don't judge anyone for doing whatever they think is right, that's their business and as long as no one is doing anything against their will who cares??   But I stand by my previous comments....If she is worth it, and he's a decent enough guy, the waiting isn't an issue....

.02

TFY

 

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

Posted
Posted
12 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I think part of the problem here is people are now dating for "sport" rather than actually searching for what they really want...In that case, sure, I guess if its not all fun and games right out of the gate, then move on to the next amusement park ride....then the next one if that one is no fun...

I actually agree with you that people -- not just men these days -- date for "sport" i.e. getting laid, sugar daddy/sugar momma, etc. rather than act like reasonable adults and pursue someone who possess the qualities they're seeking in a long-term partner. I blame OLD for that shift of sensibilities in people. OLD makes people instantly available to each other, so there's an instant gratification need fulfilled. As a result, dating manners or etiquette is dropped because now you can text or IM the person instantaneously and play games with them digitally to manipulate your image and their feelings. 
 

12 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I'm not a woman, but I would think it must be pretty hard to navigate this...You got women all over the place putting out like cats in heat, while maybe you think it's better to wait so are you losing out?  I do understand that this is a pretty vulnerable position for a lot of women to do this without a thorough vetting of a particular guy...I get that completely...

In the old dating days of yore, without technology people courted each other. They made the effort to be on their best behavior. That mindset seems to have gone extinct with the invent of OLD in the 1990s. 

Are there nice guys out there? If there are, where are they? Yes, it is more difficult to navigate NOW than it was before. But, I stand by my opinion, that *all* men in the early stages of dating, go to a woman's house with expectations for physical intimacy. I sincerely do not believe that a man would go to a woman's house without expecting some kind of physical intimacy happening. No way. And invitation to come over and watch a movie, is, the oldest code in the dating-book for "come over and have sex." Now it's been replaced by "cooking dinner" as the new code for "come over and have sex." 

And I don't think the OP should invite guys over to cuddle if she doesn't plan to have sex with them. That is just game playing on her part, intentional or not. 

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

In the old dating days of yore, without technology people courted each other. They made the effort to be on their best behavior. That mindset seems to have gone extinct with the invent of OLD in the 1990s. 

Yep those were the days.  Glad I lived through them.  I feel sorry for young people who will never experience what real courting was like; but now that the horse is out of the stable there's no putting him back.

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
40 minutes ago, Watercolors said:


Are there nice guys out there? If there are, where are they? Yes, it is more difficult to navigate NOW than it was before. But, I stand by my opinion, that *all* men in the early stages of dating, go to a woman's house with expectations for physical intimacy. I sincerely do not believe that a man would go to a woman's house without expecting some kind of physical intimacy happening. No way. And invitation to come over and watch a movie, is, the oldest code in the dating-book for "come over and have sex." Now it's been replaced by "cooking dinner" as the new code for "come over and have sex." 

And I don't think the OP should invite guys over to cuddle if she doesn't plan to have sex with them. That is just game playing on her part, intentional or not. 

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree here...

I doubt highly that I am alone in the thinking that ANYTHING other than a clear "green light" and mutual understanding from a woman is something to indicate its a go for sex...That includes dinner,. movie, 3 date rule, borrow money, move a refrigerator, write a nice poem, help an injured puppy........anything.....

That comes from a guy who is probably a bit more uncivilized and more of a jerk than many other guys that are more dignified...😂

TFY

 

Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
Posted
On 5/30/2020 at 8:22 PM, snowcones said:

With all due respect, Carhill, if we have an older man who does not want to commit and just wants a shag, why wouldn't a woman choose a charming good-looking man who also just wants to have sex instead?  If pretty much all men are just offering sex, then obviously we are going to pick the hot charming one to have sex with.

That's what I am thinking!

Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
Posted

Inviting a man to sleep over but not sleep with him is teasing

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MeadowFlower Established Member

MeadowFlower

Posted
Posted (edited)
27 minutes ago, Springsummer said:

Inviting a man to sleep over but not sleep with him is teasing

What?!? Like a man can't just be with a woman and have a sleep over, and just enjoy the woman's company?? What is wrong with these type of men...... 

Edited by MeadowFlower
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
34 minutes ago, Springsummer said:

Inviting a man to sleep over but not sleep with him is teasing

Not necessarily. 
Everyone is different.
Some are happy with early sex some aren't.
Some men are obsessed with sex and are always angling for it, some aren't.
Of course if a guy is pressing for sex, then inviting him over will be a green light to him, but maybe best to just NEXT him rather than get into an awkward situation.
If a woman cannot invite a guy she hardly knows over for a simple meal without him expecting sex and being peeved when he doesn't get it. then perhaps he is just not the right guy.
I am not in agreement with women holding out for months, "just because", but men expecting sex by date 3 are just as bad.
Sex needs to be natural and spontaneous, when it feels right it feels right. It should not be dictated by rules and timelines...

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Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

when it feels right it feels right. It should not be dictated by rules and timelines...

Sex is always dictated by rules and timelines. Sex is never spontaneous. 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
19 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Sex is always dictated by rules and timelines. Sex is never spontaneous. 

Huh?  I beg to differ but don't feel like debating about it now. 

Only to say for you and some others that may be true, but definitely not true for everyone, including myself. 

 

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

If sex was never spontaneous, I never would have once had poison oak all over my body.

rjc149 Established Member

rjc149

Posted
Posted
32 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Sex is always dictated by rules and timelines. Sex is never spontaneous. 

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Huh?  I beg to differ but don't feel like debating about it now. 

Only to say for you and some others that may be true, but definitely not true for everyone, including myself. 

 

I think the sarcasm got lost in translation. 

 

 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
Just now, preraph said:

If sex was never spontaneous, I never would have once had poison oak all over my body.

Lol, can you imagine a world where sex was so rigidly dictated by rules and never spontaneous?

Not a world I would ever wish to live in, yuck.  :eek:

Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

Posted
Posted

Well, I just think the OP should stop inviting these guys over for cuddles if she never plans to have sex with any of them. It sends the guy the wrong message and could work against her if he is not a nice guy. So, the OP is blaming guys without looking at her own behavior, and why her mixed message of "come over, we can cuddle but NO SEX" will definitely back fire on her. 

Either have sex or don't. But don't give a guy permission to just cuddle with you. You don't know a guy after 3 dates well enough to trust that he won't take that cuddle invite further against your will. It happens all the time. 

I think spontaneous sex is planned in that you are with the person in a relationship already and so that spontaneous sex really isn't spontaneous if you two already know each other well. That's what I mean. Unless you mean ONS sex, that's "spontaneous." Esp. if you never see each other again. 

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

Xxxxxx

Edited by Cookiesandough
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

Wow it sometimes seems that some women here think very little of men ... They are just sex robots with on and off modes. Haha. , okie doke. Maybe vet your men better. I tend to think the men I date, while I’m sure love sex, also enjoy other forms of intimacy like hand holding, snuggling, kisses Etc . They are humans. 
 

And most men are not rapists either. Ones that are can also find random women on the street to attack too. Don’t get why anyone would live their life in fear like that 

 

Sure, try not inviting them over. But I don’t think I guy not into you or only wants sex from you is gonna change his mind about you  just because you didn’t invite him over. I’ll bet you just see them drop off/ghost  when you refuse the home date bc there’s not even a chance for them to get some 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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simpycurious Established Member

simpycurious

Posted
Posted

^^^^Well said ......some men might be a little more intelligent than you think and just not “another pretty face”

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manfrombelow Established Member

manfrombelow

Posted
Posted (edited)
Quote

I made it clear from then beginning with them that I am not looking for hookups and they said they were okay with that and their not just looking for that either.

1. Of course they had to play along with you. It's just a diplomatic move. Always watch what people do, not what they say. And here, in your stories, what they "did" was not wasting their time with you after you denied them sex after the 3rd date, so they obviously were NOT OKAY with that. Duh!

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I went on 3 dates with one guy, he texted me everyday

2. This says this guy is needy, clingy and has no games.

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the 3rd date we hung out at my place and we played cards, watched some shows, while we were making out he said he wanted to have sex I said not yet he said that was okay still slept over and texted me for the next two after then ghosted.

3. You know what. The only reason a grown-ass man spends time with you to play cards, watch some shows all night with you, instead of joining his fellas at the nearest bar, is because he wants to have sex with you - and there's nothing bad about it. You are purposelly making him wait for sex, and this is a huge turnoff to him, hence his defection.

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The next guy I had been talking to for months

4. Oh my god. He LET you just "talk" to him for months? Another beta chump.

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we had gone on 3 dates then he went out of town for work for 6 weeks, we still texted here and there and when he was recently back only for 5 days he made the effort to see me, also tried for sex, I said given that I hadn’t seen him in a while and he was leaving again I didn’t want to have sex yet, he again was totally okay with it, very sweet all night and still slept over. Now haven’t heard from him in a week.

5. So you two went on 3 dates. He's back for only 5 days, and given his tight schedule, he still made time to be with you, and you purposelly denied him sex (you have the right to do this anyway), so a grown-ass man in this moment knows he is WASTING his time with you, hence his defection.

Quote

I am so confused!!!

Does a guy really lose interest if you haven’t slept with him by date 3?!? Especially if I told you upfront that I wasn’t looking for hookups and you said you were okay with it!! I’m so frustrated and disappointed these guys were actually really sweet to me when we hung out! What gives?!

The bold part: YES, not all, but most do.

Edited by manfrombelow
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, simpycurious said:

^^^^Well said ......some men might be a little more intelligent than you think and just not “another pretty face”

And some might not be... ;)

cookies, I appreciate and respect your experience, that you prefer in-home first dates and meets to meeting in a public place.  And even cuddling, "tickling" (your word) and sleeping over, no sex.

And that all men are not rapists.  Of course they're not, only a very small fraction are so chances are, an in-home date is perfectly safe.

But some of us (women), even many women, don't feel comfortable with that, we need to get to know him a bit better.

Sure if all he wanted was to get in our panties, he could try for that on the 5th date as easily as the first meet.

But it all boils down to what's comfortable.

I know I would not feel comfortable inviting a man to mine or go to his on first meet or date, let alone cuddling and sleeping over (no sex), reasons don't matter I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it.  

Later yes, I've had men over on the 3rd date for dinner (not a sleep over) and while they did push (a little bit) for sex, I said not yet and they respected that and we continued to date.

So given that I, and I am sure others, appreciate and respect how you prefer to do things, I don't understand why you're unable to appreciate others who prefer and feel comfortable doing something different from what you prefer - like meeting outside the home on the first date or meet lest we be suspected of thinking very little of men?  

I don't quite understand that.  

Edited by poppyfields
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted

Agree simpy, I think it's sad too.  :(

Live and let live, by whatever is comfortable for you and your own moral code.  

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

And some might not be... ;)

cookies, I appreciate and respect your experience, that you prefer in-home first dates and meets to meeting in a public place.  And even cuddling, "tickling" (your word) and sleeping over, no sex.

And that all men are not rapists.  Of course they're not, only a very small fraction are so chances are, an in-home date is perfectly safe.

But some of us (women), even many women, don't feel comfortable with that, we need to get to know him a bit better.

Sure if all he wanted was to get in our panties, he could try for that on the 5th date as easily as the first meet.

But it all boils down to what's comfortable.

I know I would not feel comfortable inviting a man to mine or go to his on first meet or date, let alone cuddling and sleeping over (no sex), reasons don't matter I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it.  

Later yes, I've had men over on the 3rd date for dinner (not a sleep over) and while they did push (a little bit) for sex, I said not yet and they respected that and we continued to date.

So given that I, and I am sure others, appreciate and respect how you prefer to do things, I don't understand why you're unable to appreciate others who prefer and feel comfortable doing something different from what you prefer - like meeting outside the home on the first date or meet lest we be suspected of thinking very little of men?  

I don't quite understand that.  

Never said I don’t accept people’s decision on waiting, poppy...I always respect people’s choices. Actually never said anything on when a particular  woman feels safe to invite a particular man over. I was simply challenging the notion that some women have that men always EXPECT sex when they come over and don’t  want to come over if it just means just chatting, cuddling/kissing/ALWAYS push for or  be disappointed/feel teased if they don’t get sex.  Because it’s simply not true and I think it’s a  negative opinion of men to hold. Some women said they believe that and just putting another opinion out there because I know it to be untrue. 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted (edited)

Definitely there are some men who will not expect sex just because they were invited over to a woman's place.  The truth is they have to view you as a high quality catch.  If they do they will wait it out, try to do the right things, to impress you.  If they view you as a random woman they mostly expect sex if they're invited over.

 

 

Edited by stillafool
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

Fair enough cookies, thx for clarifying. 

And speaking only for myself, my opinion is it  depends on the man.

I can't say I think highly of all men or little of all men.  Every man is different. 

Even the men who try for sex early on (not push, pushing is different and a turn off), as long as they respect my boundaries (assuming I'm not ready) I have the highest regard for them, if everything else is clicking.  

Anyway, yeah can't help the man haters, or women who think very little of men, although I don't see any on this thread, maybe I missed or interpreted posts differently.  :D

 

 

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

Yes. Its clear my post was misunderstood 
 

Just to be clear DO NOT invite men over until you trust them. Even if you’ve known him years before your date...but especially if you do not know the man... just no  

 

But there was literally a woman that posted that if you invite before knowing them for months they will always expect sex and that you are inviting trouble and assault for sending mixed messages and got bunch of upvotes. Not only do I believe that no one is to blame for another person’s behavior, I think the belief  that you’re inviting  anger/hostility by doing this  and that there aren’t more men who wouldn’t  simply be over the moon to be trusted enough to come over or have a nice date or have other types of affection is holding a somewhat negative concept of men:  They’re overall just  sex hungry animals 

A man posted immediately after that he had no expectation of sex being on the table when his wife invited him over 

if she trusts the guy, vets him/his character, and wants to be home kissing and  cuddling, she could be jipping herself and the guy she’s with out of great date because of some notion about men that I truly do not understand and has not been my xp at all w the many guys I’ve been on dates w. 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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