What is with grown ass men ghosting when you don't sleep with them right away?

May 31, 2020

7 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

This is from an earlier post: "When you are into someone physically, emotionally, why wait? No need. Waiting months is unnecessary..." I should have been clearer. I meant when two people are connected and ready, why wait?

I agree, but what if she wasn't ready (for whatever reason) but nevertheless felt emotionally connected to you and attracted.

Like say for the reasons CF gave or I gave (medical condition).

You're being confusing because your response to TFY suggested you would not wait (longer than a few weeks) under any circumstance, your attitude was that of a "f*ck that" attitude.

Gr8, we are talking about a woman you connect with, and supposedly care about, envision a future with.

Edited May 31, 2020 by poppyfields

May 31, 2020

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

So, let's say a woman agreed to a dinner date at your house and also a sleepover. Let's say for the sake of argument, unlike op, she did not specify she was waiting. Would you not make any moves on her? Thats where it gets murky for me. See, I don't the night if I'm not ready for physical intimacy, because I think thats a bit weird(nothing wrong with it though), but I will go over to their house. I'm just going to move aside the guys that don't try anything. I would say a good 80% will try to cuddle or physical escalation. Of that 80%, 90% will try to kiss. So basically what happens is kiss turns to making out and then touchy feely. But then I am like WHOAH. I'm not ready for all that, bro. They have always been cool with that. But I think what happens is a lot of women feel pressured or maybe the best word is tempted to go further...So maybe a home date is just too ambiguous for MOST people.

I feel an invitation to sleep over without having discussed intimacy, or the implications of such, is just irresponsible. Just don't go there....period. I have never been invited to another woman's apartment, house for a sleep over and not had sex. I again want to emphasize that I make it clear that intimacy is important in a relationship. There has never been any ambiguity.

May 31, 2020

28 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

The likelihood is if they need it (IOW are lacking it), they're doing a lot of turning down because to be flat out honest about it, most women can just get boned if that's what they want. There is definitely a taker out there.

If they say they need it what they're saying is they need someone really good, with that special something to him, to make it worth THEIR while. They don't just want the one-two from any old guy, they've had that before and they could have it again from Joe Average if this were the desire.

Of course right now women and men may feel more desperate and therefore say they "need it" more but I'm talking about usual circumstances.

Yep. When a guy (or girl) has low standards, even if they're not "desirable", there's probably an abundance for them. It's when the person is picky that it becomes more difficult.

AND I LOVE YOU TOOOO

Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 31, 2020

11 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

This is from an earlier post: "When you are into someone physically, emotionally, why wait? No need. Waiting months is unnecessary..." I should have been clearer. I meant when two people are connected and ready, why wait?

I agree with this. Either they don't trust you or into some game playing.

Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 31, 2020

When I balk at the 'waiting for months', it is greatly because, I don't hide the fact that sex is important to me. I don't play a faux-chivalrous game and create a pretense. If you date me, YOU WILL KNOW EXACTLY what I wanting from a relationship. So, any sexual encounter is mutual and natural.

May 31, 2020

12 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I feel an invitation to sleep over without having discussed intimacy, or the implications of such, is just irresponsible. Just don't go there....period. I have never been invited to another woman's apartment, house for a sleep over and not had sex. I again want to emphasize that I make it clear that intimacy is important in a relationship. There has never been any ambiguity.

I find the home date topic so intriguing because of my own experiences and preference for this date setting. It is also interesting to me to see this delineation based on AGE. A lot of younger people are cool with the 'go over to hang out, play video games, eat pizza, tickle each other all night"

Older people or at least the over 40 crowd are like "you coming over, we are going to sip some wine, eat, have a chat, and then f***" lol.

Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 31, 2020

10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I agree with this. Either they don't trust you or into some game playing.

Yeah but cookies, take my bf and me, it was our third date (two weeks after meeting in person) and HE wanted to wait. Wanted to continue building our connection first, it was all explained in my post.

I didn't bail thinking he didn't trust me or was playing games.

The opposite! I respected him for it! Again all explained in my posts, so won't repeat.

We waited until our 9th date, approximately two months after our first meet.

Why is that different? Because it was the man who wanted to wait and not the woman?

When it's the man, he is respected.

When it's the woman, she can't be trusted or she's playing games?

I don't get that.

Edited May 31, 2020 by poppyfields

May 31, 2020

27 minutes ago, preraph said:

And a good cook.

Well...why didn't you say so?

May 31, 2020

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah but cookies, take my bf and me, it was our third date (two weeks after meeting in person) and HE wanted to wait. Wanted to continue building our connection first, it was all explained in my post.

I didnt bail thinking he didn't trust me or was playing games.

The opposite! Again all explained in my posts, so won't repeat.

We waited until our 9th date, approximately two months after our first meet.

Why is that different? Because it was the man who wanted to wait and not the woman?

When it's the man, he is respected. When it's the woman, she's playing games?

I don't get that.

My opinion is that if sufficient connection is made and you feel extremely emotionally drawn to the person, I do not see what the point in waiting is at all? for man or woman. UNLESS you have some religious or moral reason (automatic nope from me) or you don't feel 100% into the person or trust them?

I would just be really confused by a man who did this. Maybe you could give some insight into why someone would want to do that?

Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 31, 2020

9 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I find the home date topic so intriguing because of my own experiences and preference for this date setting. It is also interesting to me to see this delineation based on AGE. A lot of younger people are cool with the 'go over to hang out, play video games, eat pizza, tickle each other all night"

Older people or at least the over 40 crowd are like "you coming over, we are going to sip some wine, eat, have a chat, and then f***" lol.

That sounds like a teenager's slumber party. Not a mature, adult relationship. Not saying that tickling, hanging out doesn't happen, it does. But I find older daters are more open about their physical needs. That is my experience.

May 31, 2020

45 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I have stated, that there is a mutual desire. And yes, I do make it clear, from the start, that physical intimacy is important in a relationship. It is up the lady to decide when, how quickly intimacy takes place. If I found someone, an there were other circumstances, medical as mentioned, if she were "the woman" of my dreams, of course I would wait.

My perspective is simply, intimacy is important for a successful, mature, fulfilling relationship. Intimacy, for me, is definitely a need.

Intimacy is a need for me too, and for most people I know, and it includes some emotional sort of clicking and often, trust.

Sex in and of itself doesn't actually require any more-than-literally physical intimacy at all (or even a woman who "loves sex" or whatever) so doing it early on is not necessarily an indication that there's the full intimacy both parties desire. Being into someone doesn't mean all the pieces have definitely fallen into place yet. If it did, then "natural, mature, sexual" women would deck the next guy who came along who was sexier than you, even if you were coupled. Because she's a natural, mature woman who does not do anything ridiculous as holding back her natural desires.

For many people, sex and intimacy are good because they involve more than "that person looks good" and then physical release. People have sex and may not even like one another. People can force sex. Sex alone is just sex. It isn't an intimate act in any way other than physical, full stop unless there are other elements and those may not be immediate, there is no checklist and exact timeframe.

Now sex just because one element is there, or two, *apparently* based on everybody's first and second date best behavior, might not be what these women (that don't fall into exact line with some unspoken timeframe) always want...

Ergo....they are not ready, until things get there. Some women. Possibly a fair amount though not everyone, obviously.

if a woman doesn't have sex yet because all the elements aren't there *yet* but the potential is there, she IS being natural and mature. 100%. She knows what she wants. When she finds it she will have sex and...what is it that's always said around here? Escalate?

Edited May 31, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

May 31, 2020

18 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Funny story about my current bf. I think it was our third date and we were at a ball game, and something hit me hard.

I realized how incredibly attracted to him I was, we'd had a few drinks, all my inhibitions came tumbling down and I was like all over him! Lol

Back home, I was the one who wanted sex! But HE wanted to wait.

Before me, he was somewhat of a "player" and bedded women far too quickly, it then fizzled out.

He said he sensed something special in me, in us, and wanted to build on that before becoming sexual.

We made it to the 9th date.

cookies, yes he gave me a reason, see above post. Last three paragraphs.

Which you "liked" and responded to saying you agreed with all of it.

Edited May 31, 2020 by poppyfields

May 31, 2020

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

cookies, yes he gave me a reason, see above post.

Which you "liked" and responded saying you agreed with all of it.

Sorry, I deleted that, because I know the reason he gave haha. I should have said "did he give a reason for giving that reason "xD Like did he explain why something special in you would somehow be lessened because of physical intimacy? or why it needed to be built on if he felt that strongly and it wasn't going to go anywhere? I am not saying there's anything wrong with it at all. I would just be kind of (actually, really)/put off by a guy who did this, but THAT IS JUST ME. And probably because *I* don't full understand that rationality.

Regardless,I am happy you found your match

Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 31, 2020

24 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I find the home date topic so intriguing because of my own experiences and preference for this date setting. It is also interesting to me to see this delineation based on AGE. A lot of younger people are cool with the 'go over to hang out, play video games, eat pizza, tickle each other all night”

I’m gonna tell your mom. #busted

Edited May 31, 2020 by Interstellar

May 31, 2020

9 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Intimacy is a need for me too, and for most people I know, and it includes some emotional sort of clicking and often, trust.

Sex in and of itself doesn't actually require any more-than-literally physical intimacy at all (or even a woman who "loves sex" or whatever) so doing it early on is not necessarily an indication that there's the full intimacy both parties desire. Being into someone doesn't mean all the pieces have definitely fallen into place yet. If it did, then "natural, mature, sexual" women would deck the next guy who came along who was sexier than you, even if you were coupled. Because she's a natural, mature woman who does not do anything ridiculous as holding back her natural desires.

For many people, sex and intimacy are good because they involve more than "that person looks good" and then physical release. People have sex and may not even like one another.

That may not be what these women want...

Ergo....they are not ready, until they find that. Some women. Possibly a fair amount though not everyone, obviously.

if a woman doesn't have sex yet because all the elements aren't there *yet* but the potential is there, she IS being natural and mature. 100%. She knows what she wants. When she finds it she will have sex and...what is it that's always said around here? Escalate?

Yep. Not sure what it is i am to respond to here. I am not suggesting that waiting is not natural.

May 31, 2020

@cookies, no I didn't push it because I understood and knew exactly what he was talking about.

I didn't question it, or feel rejected, I felt flattered by what he said.

I had (still have) faith and trust in our connection and we continued building on that. On the 9th date, it happened.

I cannot believe I am saying this because I am not a big proponent of marriage, but I could see myself marrying him!

Edited May 31, 2020 by poppyfields

May 31, 2020

43 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

This is from an earlier post: "When you are into someone physically, emotionally, why wait? No need. Waiting months is unnecessary..." I should have been clearer. I meant when two people are connected and ready, why wait?

There seems to be this thing where it's either 3 dates or "months" to make the point. There's a lot of possibility in between there.

Obviously if literally months of *in person* dating (not "I sent a good morning text every day for 2 months" ) go by with no sex there's probably nothing there, but that's an extreme and pretty obvious.

May 31, 2020

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

@cookies, no I didn't push it because I understood and knew exactly what he was talking about.

I didn't question it, or feel rejected, I felt flattered by what he said.

I had faith and trust in our connection and we continued building on that. On the 9tu date, it happened.

I cannot believe I am saying this because I am not a big proponent of marriage, but I could see myself marrying him!

lol @interstellar Seriously tho, best dates Ive had are like that. And destroying him at Mario Cart because he doubted me for even a second.

That's so sweet. & Often the people against marriage or say it is just a piece of paper, when the right person comes around,they change their mind. They want to be tied together forever~!!

May 31, 2020

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I believe you about your friend but if this is generally the case then why do we hear all the time from guys that OLD is so difficult, women are too choosy, "why do women wait," employ a 3 -date rule because otherwise the woman might just never come through and you become "an orbiter," and so on?

Some guys can get lots of sex via OLD, probably the same guys who can get sex without it. .

The only place I ever heard guys saying OLD is difficult is on this site....when it comes to getting laid, anyway....Finding a legit partner may be another story...I dunno, there..

As to your second part, its like this...Id like to think that I am pretty good at fresh water fishing...If there is a Largemouth in the lake, ill catch it/them....But if I want to catch a lot of bass, I go to the "hotspots"...Its as basic as that I suppose...

TFY

May 31, 2020

31 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

There seems to be this thing where it's either 3 dates or "months" to make the point. There's a lot of possibility in between there.

Obviously if literally months of *in person* dating (not "I sent a good morning text every day for 2 months" ) go by with no sex there's probably nothing there, but that's an extreme and pretty obvious.

I rarely follow popular dating conventions. I have sex when we are both ready...1st date, 2nd, 5th...if anyone thought I was suggesting I meant digital dating or counting that, hmmmm...that is not "real" dating, as far as I am concerned. When I say months, I mean, a frequent, face to face relationship.

May 31, 2020

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

The likelihood is if they need it (IOW are lacking it), they're doing a lot of turning down because to be flat out honest about it, most women can just get boned if that's what they want. There is definitely a taker out there.

One thing is for sure there are a lot of women getting boned, followed by ghosting. The young men in my family and their friends all have 3 or 4 girls in rotation. Even older men (70+) at church have options.

May 31, 2020

19 hours ago, snowcones said:

Yes. Yes. There are no rules or social contracts to follow when you're online. And that is precisely why jive turkeys love to be online. They flourish there. It's like a swamp of filth. lol

Most normal women feel yucky after being on there for a while.

I gave up. I have had two partners that I met online, and both of those relationships were terrible. I may have contributed, but I do think there's a high amount of abusive people on those things

May 31, 2020

Cali, also the guys on here complaining they can’t get girls/laid are kind of like the women complaining they can’t find men... keep reading the rest of their post. They’re socially awkward, no sense of humor, no friends, no interests. The girls they want are gorgeous, popular, conservative, virgins, 115lb, must be well versed in politics and current events, dont go to clubs. don’t drink, no tattoos, vegan .....list goes on...

Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 31, 2020

I think men expect sex, regardless of where you met (OLD or offline). If you set the boundaries with your dates "no sex" yet you invite them over, you are sending them mixed signals. Do not invite a guy over to your place to do anything, because he will always go with the expectation that sex with you is happening. Either don't invite guys over to your place until you've been dating for a couple of months consistently (being out of town for 6 weeks doesn't count), or take your "no sex" disclaimer off the table and have sex with multiple partners safely until you find "the one."

Just stop sending these guys mixed messages. Stop inviting them over if you have told them "no sex," because inviting them over to your place equates sex to all men.

Edited May 31, 2020 by Watercolors

June 1, 2020

I remember when I was dating my wife and she invited me over for dinner she thought I was strange to not see that as a sexual invitation. She was very successful with men, hey got three to marry her and more to propose. Very common in my generation. OTOH I was a prude.

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