What is with grown ass men ghosting when you don't sleep with them right away?

May 31, 2020

Also bear in mind that because seemingly women put out so easily in this new era, that they kind of spoiled it for those women that want to wait and let things develop....Guys get confused and many probably don't know which way to deal with this anymore...They may think that if a woman is holding out, that maybe she has a hang up of some kind about sex...

No dog in this fight, and zero OLD experience, but the guys I know that have done OLD all tell me the women they are meeting are complete laydowns and put out with almost no effort....many of them actually making the first moves.. I dunno, just a thought...

TFY

May 31, 2020

9 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I disagree with the first 2/3 of your post. I have almost exclusively OLDed. The organic element of dating, relationships, sex is not eliminated by OLD. If it is, the people involved have little or no idea how to have/maintain a relationship. PERIOD. The OLD process should be to make contact, chat for briefly AND THEN MEET and date like EVERYONE ELSE. If you are not doing this, again, you don't have dating problems, relationship problems.

Whether you meet someone at a bar or supermarket line or work, many of the same dysfunctional behaviors will occur. I don't how you or others have been using OLD, I do not relate to your version of OLD. The experience you describe, is not universal.

The remainder of the post, I won't argue against.

Well i hope you're right. Because that previous post didnt sound very promising.

May 31, 2020

3 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Also bear in mind that because seemingly women put out so easily in this new era, that they kind of spoiled it for those women that want to wait and let things develop....Guys get confused and many probably don't know which way to deal with this anymore...They may think that if a woman is holding out, that maybe she has a hang up of some kind about sex...

No dog in this fight, and zero OLD experience, but the guys I know that have done OLD all tell me the women they are meeting are complete laydowns and put out with almost no effort....many of them actually making the first moves.. I dunno, just a thought...

TFY

I dislike those types of women who just give everything away even with the man making barely any effort..no wonder half of the guys i speak to are in such a rush or can't be bothered after a while. Since im the type who never rushes and takes my. Time getting to know someone and showing my cards

May 31, 2020

12 hours ago, Candygirl1414 said:

I’ve been only a few dates recently, all with men 30 and up that I met on apps. I made it clear from then beginning with them that I am not looking for hookups and they said they were okay with that and their not just looking for that either. I went on 3 dates with one guy, he texted me everyday, the 3rd date we hung out at my place and we played cards, watched some shows, while we were making out he said he wanted to have sex I said not yet he said that was okay still slept over and texted me for the next two after then ghosted. The next guy I had been talking to for months, we had gone on 3 dates then he went out of town for work for 6 weeks, we still texted here and there and when he was recently back only for 5 days he made the effort to see me, also tried for sex, I said given that I hadn’t seen him in a while and he was leaving again I didn’t want to have sex yet, he again was totally okay with it, very sweet all night and still slept over. Now haven’t heard from him in a week. I am so confused!!! Does a guy really lose interest if you haven’t slept with him by date 3?!? Especially if I told you upfront that I wasn’t looking for hookups and you said you were okay with it!! I’m so frustrated and disappointed these guys were actually really sweet to me when we hung out! What gives?!

A lot of people (older and younger) on dating apps just talk a lot of s***. The sooner you realise this and try your hardest to figure them out from the get go, the easier it will be for you. Not trying to be rude but the decent humans with actual morals are few and far between online!

Im as authentic and real as a person gets ..but I've encountered so many fake men..its unbelievable.

The fact that you stated no hooks ups from the start doesn't mean a thing to those who do want to hook up. As another poster stated they believe they will be able to charm you in to bed so to speak.

In terms of your situation..they probably got bored and thought they would find someone easier who would give in. And they most certainly are not interested in nurturing a great connection with a woman...which is ultimately what you want.

Edited May 31, 2020 by miranda561

May 31, 2020

i have gone out on first dates where she says "I don't have sex on the first date". Low and behold after she has 3 or 4 glasses of wine we're in the sack going at it...

May 31, 2020

27 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

...many of them actually making the first moves..

Lol, not to laugh TFY, but did you read my post? I was the one who initiated sex with my bf, HE turned me down! Totally owning that.

The reason he turned me down initially is in my post; we've been together 2+ almost 3 years.

That said, I agree with you, it's VERY confusing for both men and women in today's dating environment.

Edited May 31, 2020 by poppyfields

May 31, 2020

There is an unwritten rule amongst some men that date 3 is sex and if she won't put out by then it is NEXT.
Many men are scared of the sexless relationship and confuse early sex with a woman who loves sex, but that may not be true.

May 31, 2020

6 minutes ago, alphamale said:

i have gone out on first dates where she says "I don't have sex on the first date". Low and behold after she has 3 or 4 glasses of wine we're in the sack going at it...

OK but sex with a drunk woman who expressly said she didn't want sex whilst sober, is rape, as drunk women cannot consent.

May 31, 2020

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

OK but sex with a drunk woman who expressly said she didn't want sex whilst sober, is rape, as drunk women cannot consent.

Agree, but she may not have been drink, I dunno 3-4 glasses of wine = less inhibited, more relaxed, bolder, free.

But yeah, if she were downright drunk, guys don't go there.

May 31, 2020

34 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

If a hook-up isn't on the table then don't set the table up to suggest it is. Only go on dates to outside activities. Do your making out in the car or at your front door and then say good night. If a woman invites me into her home or plans a date at her home my anticipation is that the probability of sex is quite high.

Not to mention staying over and sleeping-sleeping in the same bed. I'd be thinking, damn what a strange bird.

May 31, 2020

It's that unusual for the woman to make the move. LOL. I could tell some stories and I mean some good one's. I think that it comes down to the individual and what they are AFTER............

May 31, 2020

1 hour ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

If you are not doing this, again, you don't have dating problems, relationship problems.

Sorry. The don't should be do.

May 31, 2020

For guys, successful dating is about progression. Date 1, meet her and get to know her in a general sense and see if you want to know more about her. Date 2, see if date 1 was a fluke and get to know her deeper. Date 3, you are both being yourself on not necessarily on date 1 or 2 'best behavior' and confirm you had fun on back to back dates and get along. So date 3,4,5...the next major progression is sex. As soon as the progression stops at whatever pace you were on, that's a 99% death rate as far as a guy is concerned. That is exactly how guys get stuck in orbit, for a month or two and 2-3 dates and chatting in between, she says you are great, awesome, funny, she loves being around you, etc. Then date #4 and on she pretty much doesn't let you escalate and shows enough interest to keep you around but doesn't allow anything to progress. Most guys that have been successful in dating know that the second things stop progressing, you probably should start putting your efforts elsewhere.

It's like the train is going 100mph, you see the station in the distance and suddenly the engineer locks the brakes. A lot of passengers are going to get off the train.

The ghosting a lot of times is because the guy figures you probably aren't all that into him and like having him in your orbit. He's going to put in less effort and flip the table and make you prove yourself to him a little. Most of the time for the first 3 or so dates, it's the guy trying to win your affection and show you his interest. After date 3, he's looking for confirmation of your interest and if you are saying no to sex but the time feels right to him based on the progression already, he is going to lose interest. The same way you would probably lose interest if after date #11 you said "ok, I am ready" and he said, "Nah. Let's get to know each other a little more". I bet you'd drop him immediately for having low interest if he turned you down when you were ready.

If date #3 is him making out with you and sleeping over with no sex, your pace dictated that for the next date or two to progress, you have to have sex. If not, he will feel like you are pumping the brakes based on the pace you already set. Totally fine if you are not ready but if you go at one speed until you near the finish line and then pump the brakes, you should expect him to figure you for low interest and back way off.

May 31, 2020

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

There is an unwritten rule amongst some men that date 3 is sex and if she won't put out by then it is NEXT.
Many men are scared of the sexless relationship and confuse early sex with a woman who loves sex, but that may not be true.

I don't think it's that literal for most men. Yea, the 3 & NEXT macho man mentality exists, but I think the reality for most is more along the lines of... you've been out 3 times and one or both are not feeling high enthusiasm, it just makes sense to explore other options. It might have ended after 3-4 dates even if you did have sex, or it might have lasted a couple months with the added incentive (if the sex was good).

You see, women seem to have this notion that a man is supposed to be totally smitten from day one, therefore he pursues-pursues-pursues, while she feigns demure and takes her time deciding. She see herself as being in control of the timeline and all the choices, because he's helplessly entranced. After all, that's how it works in fairy tales and Disney movies, so it must be true. The sexual revolution of the 60's and 70's put women in control of their reproduction choices, and it had a significant effect on the other side of the mating dance as well. Sex was no longer a life-changing risk, and cultural change allowed women to openly explore their sexuality without fear. No longer were sex and marriage inexorably linked.

Sixty years later the prevailing attitudes around sexuality have evolved. The playing field is closer to level, and men have an [almost] equal say in selection... and with sex no longer being monumental feat of accomplishment, men just don't see the point in being held at arm's length indefinitely. Most women don't either. This puts the virtuous, chaste types at a definite disadvantage.

Let's say she wants to wait six month to a year to have sex, or be engaged or married. If a guy is a good catch, and if he's been in sexual relationships for decades, he's not going to want to go celibate! And he's not going to want to marry her without knowing if they're sexually compatible. And given that sex is widely available to a good-looking man, his immediate need will trump her high falootin virtuous demands every time... actually there is one exception; if he's hell bent to get married, and if he sees her as perfect wifey material and is smitten from the inside out, yea, maybe. But again we're back to Disney sh*t aren't we? If he's been sexually active for years, why would you expect him to get on board with this chastity stuff?

Edited May 31, 2020 by salparadise

May 31, 2020

1 hour ago, simpycurious said:

It's that unusual for the woman to make the move. LOL. I could tell some stories and I mean some good one's. I think that it comes down to the individual and what they are AFTER............

Sorry....suppose to read “It’s NOT unusual”

May 31, 2020

I’ve meet men like this as well, unfortunately.

Back in November my neighbour (whom I had known for years, but we never really talked) texted me on instagram, even if he knew that I had recently moved abroad. He is super good looking, fascinating and nice, so at the beginning I was very interesting.
In December I got back in my old town for Xmas holidays, and we met: the first time we went for dinner and kissed in his car. I admit I was really into him. We agreed to meet another time, two days later, for a walk in a city next to our town, where he owns a little apartment. He told me to meet in a place which is really close to him, but I was 10000% sure that it was just a coincidence. Once I got there, after around 30 minutes he told me he forgot his glasses at home, so I accompanied him there. Once there we started to made out but then he soon asked “let’s go in the bedroom?” .. I declined, saying that it was waaay to soon for me, especially because I dont live in that country anymore and I didn’t want to rush things.
he told me that he understood, and we would have seen each other again before my departure. Then.. HE DISAPPEARED ahah

I admit that at the first day I was kinda sad, because I liked him, but then.. what the hell, I want someone who really likes me and doesn’t just wanna have sex.

we deserve better

Don’t give up, we’ll find “the one”, we just have to keep searching!

May 31, 2020

here's a tip: stop inviting them over to your place.....to a guy, that's an invite for sex. If you want to fish out the bad ones, only go out with them on planned dates, them initiating the majority of the time...no going over to theirs and no inviting them over to yours. If a man is willing to invest in romancing you, that should prove to you his intentions.

Now as for the guy you talk to for months before...he counted that as time spent getting to know you/dating. So I can understand him being disappointed.

May 31, 2020

14 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

tbh someone that goes on 3 dates but gives up because they didn't get sex sounds like a sex fiend or someone who gets gratification just from laying chicks down/has self esteem issues if they can't....."giving up on them" sounds like the biggest favor they could do for someone ....

Agree! I don't understand why certain people think that the 3rd date is the time to have sex. Like you barely know them by 3 dates. Unless you were friends for a long time beforehand.

To me, sex is very personal and intimate and I want to do it with someone who I've been out with and who I've known longer than 3 dates. And if a guy does "give up" by that time, then that's his loss.

May 31, 2020

13 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yes I agree it's possible there was not enough else he was into...but I mean if a guy otherwise likes the girl, but gives up JUST because he can't sleep with her is what I meant. Ive heard guys say they have all these rules like "she must on x date or I move on...I have too many options and need to know theres sex compatibility "..haha don't buy it! not if it's the right girl

I love guys saying "I have too many options". Ha!

May 31, 2020

2 hours ago, amanda141 said:

I’ve meet men like this as well, unfortunately.

Back in November my neighbour (whom I had known for years, but we never really talked) texted me on instagram, even if he knew that I had recently moved abroad. He is super good looking, fascinating and nice, so at the beginning I was very interesting.
In December I got back in my old town for Xmas holidays, and we met: the first time we went for dinner and kissed in his car. I admit I was really into him. We agreed to meet another time, two days later, for a walk in a city next to our town, where he owns a little apartment. He told me to meet in a place which is really close to him, but I was 10000% sure that it was just a coincidence. Once I got there, after around 30 minutes he told me he forgot his glasses at home, so I accompanied him there. Once there we started to made out but then he soon asked “let’s go in the bedroom?” .. I declined, saying that it was waaay to soon for me, especially because I dont live in that country anymore and I didn’t want to rush things.
he told me that he understood, and we would have seen each other again before my departure. Then.. HE DISAPPEARED ahah

I admit that at the first day I was kinda sad, because I liked him, but then.. what the hell, I want someone who really likes me and doesn’t just wanna have sex.

we deserve better

Don’t give up, we’ll find “the one”, we just have to keep searching!

agree!!!

May 31, 2020

Just be glad they do ghost you. Ain't nobody needs none of that.

May 31, 2020

4 hours ago, simpycurious said:

It's that unusual for the woman to make the move. LOL. I could tell some stories and I mean some good one's. I think that it comes down to the individual and what they are AFTER............

I'm not sure what that^ means exactly but in my case with my bf, which was quite unusual "for me" so you are right about that, it wasn't about being "after" anything per se, I was just super attracted to him and acted on that attraction.

It was our 3rd date and we had chatted on line for a few weeks prior to meeting, so he had a good sense of what I was about, and we had developed a relatively strong connection by then too.

Thank goodness he wasn't (isn't) the judgy "double standard" type who negatively judges women for being sexual beings, enjoying sex and sometimes (shudders) taking the initiative first when she's very attracted..

Funny, I became more attracted to him after he said no, that he wanted to wait to deepen our bond first.

He had made the mistake of having early sex in the past, and it never lasted and ended badly.

And I had a lot of respect for him for being honest about that, for trusting ME enough to be honest about it. Cause as he admitted later in our RL, turning me down was one of the hardest (no pun) thing he ever did! Lol

Edited May 31, 2020 by poppyfields

May 31, 2020

14 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Im so happy for you poppy.

Aww thank you my beautiful friend , be happy for both of us (my bf and me), we've both been through quite a bit of BS before coming together.

And it took awhile for things to gel for us too, but the love is there and we worked through it.

As you can see, I miss him like crazy, so apologies for the derail; he will be returning in 3 weeks, woo hoo, literally counting the days!

Edited May 31, 2020 by poppyfields

May 31, 2020

OMGOSH thats so exciting!!!! You definitely deserve it. YOU are an amazing person and I'm glad you found each other.

But I am a little sad....

Poppy is going to blowing up the boards with me anymore, this time 3 weeks.

She'll be too busy having reunion sex

hahaha

Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 31, 2020

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

OMGOSH thats so exciting!!!!

But I am a little sad....

Poppy is going to blowing up the boards with me anymore, this time 3 weeks.

She'll be too busy having reunion sex...

hahaha

Yeah HaHa, and like and thanks, (wish they had an emoji for that), but don't worry, I ain't going nowhere!

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