Malin889 Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Fox Sake said: Okay, guys point of view. Who asks for sex like that?! ... the way I see it, is it happens at the right time (whenever that may be) if you’re dating. It’s spontaneous and electric, it’s not planned or begged for. (Unless that’s the sole arrangement) And if I really like someone then a wait of some sort usually only makes things better. You grow closer and more trusting I hope you find some better guys to date I agree! A similar thing happened to me that happened to OP and it can be very disappointing. I wanted to wait and go slow, and it sounds like that's what the OP wants. Plus, feel like you shouldn't have sex with someone until you're ready, not because they want it. And until you've actually decided that you're actually in a relationship. That's just my POV. I think you are doing the right thing, OP, and you will find the right guy who will stick around with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 The situation the OP was in was whacked for sure. The dude clearly showed obtrusive interest in sex and was not ambiguous about it. By the way, as disappointing as it may be, ladies, "grown as men" are only older, not necessarily wiser, more committed, etc. for them to behave like young men with little interest in commitments is to be expected...unfortunately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Malin889 said: I agree! A similar thing happened to me that happened to OP and it can be very disappointing. I wanted to wait and go slow, and it sounds like that's what the OP wants. Plus, feel like you shouldn't have sex with someone until you're ready, not because they want it. And until you've actually decided that you're actually in a relationship. That's just my POV. I think you are doing the right thing, OP, and you will find the right guy who will stick around with you. tbh someone that goes on 3 dates but gives up because they didn't get sex sounds like a sex fiend or someone who gets gratification just from laying chicks down/has self esteem issues if they can't....."giving up on them" sounds like the biggest favor they could do for someone .... Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough 4 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: tbh someone that goes on 3 dates but gives up because they didn't get sex sounds like a sex addict or someone who gets gratification just from laying chicks down/has self esteem issues if they can't....."giving up on them" sounds like the biggest favor they could do for someone .... That or he just wasn't that into you (see my previous post) otherwise he'd respect boundaries and wait. Consider it a bullet dodged... Edited May 31, 2020 by poppyfields 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 Pretty simple...even though this may sound harsh... You were worth the sex(which practically ANY woman is to a lot of guys), but not worth the wait for them to hang in there...so they moved on... Its not that much more complicated than that...In this case, its better you were aware of it now, then waste a lot of time on a guy that isn't really interested enough beyond your body parts... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I think if a man is truly into a woman, and he senses she's truly into him, and they've got major chemistry and a strong connection going on, he will wait. BUT that's not to say he won't try for it, especially if you're at his cuddling, kissing; heck he's attracted to you so yeah he'll try and there is nothing wrong with that! It means he's attracted to you! It's up to the woman to maintain boundaries if not ready and again if they've got a strong connection going on, and he's into her, wanting to develop something beyond sex, he will respect her boundaries and wait. Funny story about my current bf. I think it was our third date and we were at a ball game, and something hit me hard. I realized how incredibly attracted to him I was, we'd had a few drinks, all my inhibitions came tumbling down and I was like all over him! Lol Back home, I was the one who wanted s sO AGREE with all this never apologize for having boundaries....and yes, it is usually the woman who needs to set the rules and stick to them because guys oftentry !!!! Im so happy for you poppy ❤️ Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, poppyfields said: That or he just wasn't that into you (see my previous post) otherwise he'd respect boundaries and wait. Consider it a bullet dodged... Yes I agree it's possible there was not enough else he was into...but I mean if a guy otherwise likes the girl, but gives up JUST because he can't sleep with her is what I meant. Ive heard guys say they have all these rules like "she must on x date or I move on...I have too many options and need to know theres sex compatibility "..haha don't buy it! not if it's the right girl Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 guys on here say that I mean Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 15 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: tbh someone that goes on 3 dates but gives up because they didn't get sex sounds like a sex fiend or someone who gets gratification just from laying chicks down/has self esteem issues if they can't....."giving up on them" sounds like the biggest favor they could do for someone .... Of course it does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said: tbh someone that goes on 3 dates but gives up because they didn't get sex sounds like a sex fiend or someone who gets gratification just from laying chicks down/has self esteem issues if they can't....."giving up on them" sounds like the biggest favor they could do for someone .... Once the sex is done the chase is pretty much over. And we all LOVE the chase. I do however think getting in a committed relationship before sex is a bit like nascar without a seatbelt. ... risky but you’ll probably survive. 2/3 times. LDR’s are obviously the acceptance to the rule cos there’s other factors playing in that 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Ive heard guys say they have all these rules like she must on x date...haha don't buy it! not if it's the right girl Agree! The "rules" change dramatically when a man meets a woman he is truly into. Look at my boyfriend, player before we met. Then we met and HE turned ME down! Because he wanted to build something deeper, who would have thought! Xd Edited May 31, 2020 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 Don't hate the player hate the game................. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 Just now, Fox Sake said: Once the sex is done the chase is pretty much over. And we all LOVE the chase. I do however think getting in a committed relationship before sex is a bit like nascar without a seatbelt. ... risky but you’ll probably survive. 2/3 times. LDR’s are obviously the acceptance to the rule cos there’s other factors playing in that haha I like the analogy. I would agree...I feel like it's best to seal the deal emotionally/phsyically around the same time. And yes... LDR...but thats what planes, cams, and lots of sexy outfits are for haha Where there's a will there's a way x I feel for ppl in them though.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 Hmmm... I wish I had one answer to give you with this issue but unfortunately I don't. I will tell you that I have been there as well, there are all kinds in this world. Some guys have inflated egos - they think their d***s are magic wands and women should be catering to them. Some are insecure or weak and expect women to take the lead. Some feel that they are owed sex because of the time and money they spend on women. True? All I can say is that for whatever reason these guys are not for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 9 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: haha I like the analogy. I would agree...I feel like it's best to seal the deal emotionally/phsyically around the same time. And yes... LDR...but thats what planes, cams, and lots of sexy outfits are for haha Where there's a will there's a way x I feel for ppl in them though.. I love the way your brain works! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MeadowFlower Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Candygirl1414 said: I’ve been only a few dates recently, all with men 30 and up that I met on apps. I made it clear from then beginning with them that I am not looking for hookups and they said they were okay with that and their not just looking for that either. I went on 3 dates with one guy, he texted me everyday, the 3rd date we hung out at my place and we played cards, watched some shows, while we were making out he said he wanted to have sex I said not yet he said that was okay still slept over and texted me for the next two after then ghosted. The next guy I had been talking to for months, we had gone on 3 dates then he went out of town for work for 6 weeks, we still texted here and there and when he was recently back only for 5 days he made the effort to see me, also tried for sex, I said given that I hadn’t seen him in a while and he was leaving again I didn’t want to have sex yet, he again was totally okay with it, very sweet all night and still slept over. Now haven’t heard from him in a week. I am so confused!!! Does a guy really lose interest if you haven’t slept with him by date 3?!? Especially if I told you upfront that I wasn’t looking for hookups and you said you were okay with it!! I’m so frustrated and disappointed these guys were actually really sweet to me when we hung out! What gives?! Sigh.... Yep there are some lame males out there. So unattractive. I know that's not much help. Maybe it's an OLD thing more?? Edited May 31, 2020 by MeadowFlower Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, snowcones said: With all due respect, Carhill, if we have an older man who does not want to commit and just wants a shag, why wouldn't a woman choose a charming good-looking man who also just wants to have sex instead? If pretty much all men are just offering sex, then obviously we are going to pick the hot charming one to have sex with. Same goes for men , that's why they choose the younger chicks ps op , anyone truly interested and feeling it , will hang around , if they can't wait any long than that it's usually a pretty good way for a woman to sort out what's real . Edited May 31, 2020 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 7 hours ago, snowcones said: With all due respect, Carhill, if we have an older man who does not want to commit and just wants a shag, why wouldn't a woman choose a charming good-looking man who also just wants to have sex instead? If pretty much all men are just offering sex, then obviously we are going to pick the hot charming one to have sex with. I kind of have to agree with this...I mean personally I'm not all about that but if I were I'd be looking way more toward the physical in all ways. I'd be going for a charming hottie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 7 hours ago, Malin889 said: I have no idea what most of this paragraph means. However, I don't think most women decide within a few seconds if she's going to have sex with someone. Most of us don't think about having sex with the guy when we first meet him, we think whether or not he's a nice guy. Cosigned. I need to be sure first and I'm never sure within a few seconds. I've really never been that drunk. 😂 But seriously...no...I and women I know need to feel the guy out and decide. It may take a few dates, it may take more. there's no way this can be a numeric formula, like X dates, X weeks...it isn't like that. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 FWIW as a woman I do think the sleepover thing is weird. Adults don't have teenage friend sleepovers. KWIM? Obviously "the sleepover" was an assumption that no matter what was said beforehand, sex was going to happen. these men probably felt teased and played and that's humiliating. They may have thought it was just some game to you, even if you weren't thinking of it that way. I know some people may disagree with me but I wouldn't treat a grown man that way. It seems odd that twice in a row (two men in a row) sexless sleepovers happened. Did you invite them to or did they ask? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said: It seems odd that twice in a row (two men in a row) sexless sleepovers happened. Did you invite them to or did they ask? I thought it odd as well, esp. in the early phase. I'd be thinking WTF. Here we are almost naked in bed, the setting is perfect, she obviously trusts me to invite me to bed, so what exactly is the problem... a middle age debutante, or a 40-something virgin? I'd be tempted to say, I hope you won't mind if I release the tension- it's getting rather uncomfortable. When I started with my first actual relationship after my divorce, I rode a motorcycle over 500 miles to meet (after talking on the phone every day for a week). We went for a walk along the Hudson after I arrived, then back to her house, and the plan was to go out to dinner. The sexual tension was unbelievable, even though there was nothing overt being said. I was getting a case of blue balls it was so intense. I didn't know if sex was on the table since we had only met a couple of hours prior. Then she said that she wanted to lay down and take a little nap before dinner and asked if I'd like to join her. It just flowed, felt like it was exactly the right timing. I knew it was my cue the second she suggested laying down. If she had said no after getting me all whipped up I'd probably have left next morning. As it worked our I stayed four days. Edited May 31, 2020 by salparadise 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 OK... I have to throw my 2 cents in on this..... First... this is the primary issue with OLD. All the people in the system are looking to "Date". This is not an "Organic" meeting between 2 people, where interest comes in from getting to know someone, and talking. With OLD... you are both there with the intention of romantic contact. (not friends, not hanging out) So... simply being on OLD, you remove the entire fist encounter to see if there is any interest. With an "Organic" first date... you are still just getting to know someone, and their personality... AND if they are even interested in any kind of long term compatibility. With OLD... the first date is more like... "Ok... she will do." I know that sounds harsh... but it's the truth. This is akin to shopping for any large purchase. Lets say you want a new car. You shop around, look for the best fit, and get all the options you want... and eventually you put a deal together. (This is organic dating) But with OLD... it's more like your car got stolen/wrecked and you need a replacement NOW. So, you go to the dealer, and just say... "I saw a blue 4 door on your website, and the price was ok. Give me that one". There's no anticipation, and no build up. So... where am I going with this??? The reality is... (as said above) sex is part of the "Test Drive" to see if people are compatible. AND... since you are on OLD... you have already ripped the "Organic" meeting out of it... so why would you expect an "Organic courtship" before finding out if you are sexually compatible? So... OP... I know from the title of this thread, you feel jaded... but in reality, you are not playing by the rules of the system you are using. Oh... and going out on 3 dates is not even close to being a "Hook up". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 11 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: OK... I have to throw my 2 cents in on this..... First... this is the primary issue with OLD. All the people in the system are looking to "Date". This is not an "Organic" meeting between 2 people, where interest comes in from getting to know someone, and talking. With OLD... you are both there with the intention of romantic contact. (not friends, not hanging out) So... simply being on OLD, you remove the entire fist encounter to see if there is any interest. With an "Organic" first date... you are still just getting to know someone, and their personality... AND if they are even interested in any kind of long term compatibility. With OLD... the first date is more like... "Ok... she will do." I know that sounds harsh... but it's the truth. This is akin to shopping for any large purchase. Lets say you want a new car. You shop around, look for the best fit, and get all the options you want... and eventually you put a deal together. (This is organic dating) But with OLD... it's more like your car got stolen/wrecked and you need a replacement NOW. So, you go to the dealer, and just say... "I saw a blue 4 door on your website, and the price was ok. Give me that one". There's no anticipation, and no build up. So... where am I going with this??? The reality is... (as said above) sex is part of the "Test Drive" to see if people are compatible. AND... since you are on OLD... you have already ripped the "Organic" meeting out of it... so why would you expect an "Organic courtship" before finding out if you are sexually compatible? So... OP... I know from the title of this thread, you feel jaded... but in reality, you are not playing by the rules of the system you are using. Oh... and going out on 3 dates is not even close to being a "Hook up". I disagree with the first 2/3 of your post. I have almost exclusively OLDed. The organic element of dating, relationships, sex is not eliminated by OLD. If it is, the people involved have little or no idea how to have/maintain a relationship. PERIOD. The OLD process should be to make contact, chat for briefly AND THEN MEET and date like EVERYONE ELSE. If you are not doing this, again, you don't have dating problems, relationship problems. Whether you meet someone at a bar or supermarket line or work, many of the same dysfunctional behaviors will occur. I don't how you or others have been using OLD, I do not relate to your version of OLD. The experience you describe, is not universal. The remainder of the post, I won't argue against. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miranda561 Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, Fox Sake said: Okay, guys point of view. Who asks for sex like that?! ... the way I see it, is it happens at the right time (whenever that may be) if you’re dating. It’s spontaneous and electric, it’s not planned or begged for. (Unless that’s the sole arrangement) And if I really like someone then a wait of some sort usually only makes things better. You grow closer and more trusting I hope you find some better guys to date You'd be surprised the low caliber men on online apps. If most people thought like you i'm sure it would be easier for women in general Edited May 31, 2020 by miranda561 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 If a hook-up isn't on the table then don't set the table up to suggest it is. Only go on dates to outside activities. Do your making out in the car or at your front door and then say good night. If a woman invites me into her home or plans a date at her home my anticipation is that the probability of sex is quite high. Choose a dating environment that reinforces what you expect to happen. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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