What is with grown ass men ghosting when you don't sleep with them right away?

[Candygirl1414]

I’ve been only a few dates recently, all with men 30 and up that I met on apps. I made it clear from then beginning with them that I am not looking for hookups and they said they were okay with that and their not just looking for that either. I went on 3 dates with one guy, he texted me everyday, the 3rd date we hung out at my place and we played cards, watched some shows, while we were making out he said he wanted to have sex I said not yet he said that was okay still slept over and texted me for the next two after then ghosted. The next guy I had been talking to for months, we had gone on 3 dates then he went out of town for work for 6 weeks, we still texted here and there and when he was recently back only for 5 days he made the effort to see me, also tried for sex, I said given that I hadn’t seen him in a while and he was leaving again I didn’t want to have sex yet, he again was totally okay with it, very sweet all night and still slept over. Now haven’t heard from him in a week. I am so confused!!! Does a guy really lose interest if you haven’t slept with him by date 3?!? Especially if I told you upfront that I wasn’t looking for hookups and you said you were okay with it!! I’m so frustrated and disappointed these guys were actually really sweet to me when we hung out! What gives?!

[Miss Spider]

in before you get people saying don't stay the night with a guy unless you intend to sleep with them. I mean there is a point to be made that guys who are more serious are probably going to offer to do more than than Netflix and chill at home...

 

But it's not like you didn't tell them it was off the table. Also, I have done it and I haven't encountered this problem. Pretty sure you've just had a string of bad luck you and have met some super  impatient guys. Maybe they were just looking for sex and calling your bluff. Maybe they just discovered something they didn't like unrelated to sex. Maybe they just expect sex earlier and didn't want to wait. Look at it this way, they did you a favor by not wasting any more of your time. 

Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[alphamale]

the more a girl has to offer a man the longer she will wait to sleep with him.  in general. 

[snowcones]

I have a very negative view of online dating/apps, and that is why I quit online dating.  I think these dating sites/apps are utterly hopeless.  I think they make people behave VERY badly, or to put it more accurately, give people an excuse to behave badly because there are no consequences one must face for behaving badly, and because you are so detached due to engaging mostly behind an electronic device, they don't feel any responsibility to be decent.  People do and say things online that they would never in a million years do in person. And that is not changing any time soon, and now we have a generation (or three) that are learning how to behave worse and worse towards each other and towards dating.  It's unfortunate, but as long as we use these apps, I don't see this getting any better until the dating apps go the way of MySpace or something, which I don't see happening at all, unless it's WOMEN who collectively abandon them.

[carhill]

OP, no doubt you enjoy charming, physically attractive men. Most women do. They're used to charming women into sex on their schedule because they've had a lot of success with it in life, even with women who say 'no'. They understand that words and actions aren't necessarily the same.

They 'ghost' after seeing the charm isn't effective so move on to easier pickings. They know the next sex partner is just around the corner since there are billions of women on the planet.

At my age, reproduction is long in the past, I've got life-long male friends to toss back beers with, fish, confab with and share good times. Women are sexual partners along with a little intimacy. There's no you and me forever baby stuff, in reality. Most my age have been divorced, widowed, left, cheated on, cheated themselves, whatever. Around the block, as they say. No illusions. We know a woman decides within a few seconds if she's not ever going to have sex with one, with maybe taking a bit longer. We develop a sixth sense about over decades of experience. If it's not there, no sense in wasting time, move on. The charming guys who get laid often never have had the emotional tampon experience because they're smart about interpersonal relationships. Usually they're married too. Success breeds success and women like a winner. 👍

[xoxobby_25]

7 minutes ago, snowcones said:

I have a very negative view of online dating/apps, and that is why I quit online dating.  I think these dating sites/apps are utterly hopeless.  I think they make people behave VERY badly, or to put it more accurately, give people an excuse to behave badly because there are no consequences one must face for behaving badly, and because you are so detached due to engaging mostly behind an electronic device, they don't feel any responsibility to be decent.  People do and say things online that they would never in a million years do in person. And that is not changing any time soon, and now we have a generation (or three) that are learning how to behave worse and worse towards each other and towards dating.  It's unfortunate, but as long as we use these apps, I don't see this getting any better until the dating apps go the way of MySpace or something, which I don't see happening at all, unless it's WOMEN who collectively abandon them.

I agree with this!

Sometimes it's hard for us socially awkward folks to meet in the real world. When my mum was my age she would tell me how guys would come up to a girl if they wanted to speak to her and potentially pursue something if they were out and stuff. When I go out no guy wants to go up to a girl (unless it's some really sleazy one high off their face). 

[Malin889]

4 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I agree with this!

Sometimes it's hard for us socially awkward folks to meet in the real world. When my mum was my age she would tell me how guys would come up to a girl if they wanted to speak to her and potentially pursue something if they were out and stuff. When I go out no guy wants to go up to a girl (unless it's some really sleazy one high off their face). 

People spend so much time online -- not just on dating sites, but on social media, news, shopping etc, they spend so much time on their phone, that no one knows how to socialize anymore. When I do go out (well, used to go out before the pandemic), I noticed how many guys at the bar are looking down at their phones. Like, hello, why bother going out if you're going to stare at your phone? 

[snowcones]

12 minutes ago, carhill said:

At my age, reproduction is long in the past, I've got life-long male friends to toss back beers with, fish, confab with and share good times. Women are sexual partners along with a little intimacy. There's no you and me forever baby stuff, in reality.

With all due respect, Carhill, if we have an older man who does not want to commit and just wants a shag, why wouldn't a woman choose a charming good-looking man who also just wants to have sex instead?  If pretty much all men are just offering sex, then obviously we are going to pick the hot charming one to have sex with.

[snowcones]

9 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I agree with this!

Sometimes it's hard for us socially awkward folks to meet in the real world. When my mum was my age she would tell me how guys would come up to a girl if they wanted to speak to her and potentially pursue something if they were out and stuff. When I go out no guy wants to go up to a girl (unless it's some really sleazy one high off their face). 

The young kids I talk to tell me that boys don't even talk to girls that they have class with in school.  They go home and add them on social media to talk to them there. 

[Malin889]

14 minutes ago, carhill said:

At my age, reproduction is long in the past, I've got life-long male friends to toss back beers with, fish, confab with and share good times. Women are sexual partners along with a little intimacy. There's no you and me forever baby stuff, in reality. Most my age have been divorced, widowed, left, cheated on, cheated themselves, whatever. Around the block, as they say. No illusions. We know a woman decides within a few seconds if she's not ever going to have sex with one, with maybe taking a bit longer. We develop a sixth sense about over decades of experience. If it's not there, no sense in wasting time, move on. The charming guys who get laid often never have had the emotional tampon experience because they're smart about interpersonal relationships. Usually they're married too. Success breeds success and women like a winner. 👍

I have no idea what most of this paragraph means. However, I don't think most women decide within a few seconds if she's going to have sex with someone. Most of us don't think about having sex with the guy when we first meet him, we think whether or not he's a nice guy. 

[salparadise]

You know, it's not as definitive as 1+1=2. But you must also realize that sex is primary, and one of the reasons they're investing their time and energy in dating. If you get them to fall for you without sex, they'll probably stay interested (for awhile)... but if they have options and you keep saying no after they figure they've done their due diligence then they may cut their losses and move on. One thing we know, or assume to be true, is that a woman who is sexual isn't going to want to wait months and months either. If you invest all that time only to discover that she's prudish or passive or whatever, then it's like... damn, I should've guessed based on the way she avoided sex all that time.

Another thing, which happened to me recently––I was patient and persistent beyond belief due to unusual circumstances. And then when we finally get to that point I get the "I just feel you're a really good friend." Phukk that. I could've been dating several women over that time period for all the focus I put on her, only to leave empty handed. 

You're better off figuring it out sooner rather than later. You can date and have fun, have good sex, and then if it doesn't work out at least it was fun while it lasted. Women have no qualms whatsoever about soaking up as much time, attention, and resources as you'll expend, then handing you your hat and saying, "thanks, you're a nice guy, but...   "

Not all that different from bass fishing––find a good looking hole and cast three times. If you don't get a hit, move to the next one. If you don't get a hit in three, either there was no fish in the hole, or it just wasn't biting. You never see an experienced fisherman sitting on a hole indefinitely unless he's catching fish.

Edited May 31, 2020 by salparadise

[Miss Spider]

xxxx

 

At t the bars I go to, people largely go to socialize with friends. Occasionally meet someone new, but that's an unintended consequence

Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[snowcones]

5 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

People spend so much time online -- not just on dating sites, but on social media, news, shopping etc, they spend so much time on their phone, that no one knows how to socialize anymore. When I do go out (well, used to go out before the pandemic), I noticed how many guys at the bar are looking down at their phones. Like, hello, why bother going out if you're going to stare at your phone? 

I remember my ex-bf told me on our first date that he used to go to the bar at a local casino on a saturday night.  I asked him if he went there on a sat night to talk to girls or something (the bartenders are hot at least) and he said no, he never talked to girl.  I was like WTF, so you just go there and sit and drink and stare into space/at your phone? I don't even get it.   I knew at that moment that I was probably dealing with a guy who was too bashful for me, and he definitely turned out to be that way.

[xoxobby_25]

11 minutes ago, snowcones said:

The young kids I talk to tell me that boys don't even talk to girls that they have class with in school.  They go home and add them on social media to talk to them there. 

It's all about "sliding in the dms" these days, it's so fustrating. 

[xoxobby_25]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

people go to bars largely to socialize w friends where I'm from.

Same here. It's easier to socialise at a pub then it is at a nightclub, but still difficult hahaha.

[Fox Sake]

 

1 hour ago, Candygirl1414 said:

I’ve been only a few dates recently, all with men 30 and up that I met on apps. I made it clear from then beginning with them that I am not looking for hookups and they said they were okay with that and their not just looking for that either. I went on 3 dates with one guy, he texted me everyday, the 3rd date we hung out at my place and we played cards, watched some shows, while we were making out he said he wanted to have sex I said not yet he said that was okay still slept over and texted me for the next two after then ghosted. The next guy I had been talking to for months, we had gone on 3 dates then he went out of town for work for 6 weeks, we still texted here and there and when he was recently back only for 5 days he made the effort to see me, also tried for sex, I said given that I hadn’t seen him in a while and he was leaving again I didn’t want to have sex yet, he again was totally okay with it, very sweet all night and still slept over. Now haven’t heard from him in a week. I am so confused!!! Does a guy really lose interest if you haven’t slept with him by date 3?!? Especially if I told you upfront that I wasn’t looking for hookups and you said you were okay with it!! I’m so frustrated and disappointed these guys were actually really sweet to me when we hung out! What gives?!

Okay, guys point of view. Who asks for sex like that?!  ... the way I see it, is it happens at the right time (whenever that may be)  if you’re dating.
It’s spontaneous and electric, it’s not planned or begged for. (Unless that’s the sole arrangement) 
And if I really like someone then a wait of some sort usually only makes things better. You grow closer and more trusting

I hope you find some better guys to date 

 

Edited May 31, 2020 by Fox Sake
Forgot a bit

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, alphamale said:

the more a girl has to offer a man the longer she will wait to sleep with him.  in general. 

I agree totally ^^ but also not many I know expect that after only a few dates.  There needs to be a little respect factor at the least.  

It does happen at the right time and when you try to push that timeline you can really mess up what potentially might be a good thing.

Edited May 31, 2020 by simpycurious

[carhill]

1 hour ago, snowcones said:

With all due respect, Carhill, if we have an older man who does not want to commit and just wants a shag, why wouldn't a woman choose a charming good-looking man who also just wants to have sex instead?  If pretty much all men are just offering sex, then obviously we are going to pick the hot charming one to have sex with.

Do it. 👍

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 hour ago, Candygirl1414 said:

I’ve been only a few dates recently, all with men 30 and up that I met on apps. I made it clear from then beginning with them that I am not looking for hookups and they said they were okay with that and their not just looking for that either. I went on 3 dates with one guy, he texted me everyday, the 3rd date we hung out at my place and we played cards, watched some shows, while we were making out he said he wanted to have sex I said not yet he said that was okay still slept over and texted me for the next two after then ghosted. The next guy I had been talking to for months, we had gone on 3 dates then he went out of town for work for 6 weeks, we still texted here and there and when he was recently back only for 5 days he made the effort to see me, also tried for sex, I said given that I hadn’t seen him in a while and he was leaving again I didn’t want to have sex yet, he again was totally okay with it, very sweet all night and still slept over. Now haven’t heard from him in a week. I am so confused!!! Does a guy really lose interest if you haven’t slept with him by date 3?!? Especially if I told you upfront that I wasn’t looking for hookups and you said you were okay with it!! I’m so frustrated and disappointed these guys were actually really sweet to me when we hung out! What gives?!

I am curious as to why you let him sleep over if no sex was to be had? No offense, but knowing that he was seeking sex, why be in the same bed cuddling? Just keep tight boundaries and not introduce ambiguity to your expectations. 

Some men, not this guy, obviously, see sex as a stepping stone to a progressing and mature relationship. I do. I typically have sex with the women I date within the first 5 dates. No conversation had, simple, natural transition to physical intimacy. I am never looking for a hookup, but I find it refreshing that women around my age, at least, 45-55, do not use sex as a test for commitment. Many know better and most are interested because, they too, miss the intimacy. What follows, follows. I have been in a couple of relationships where it was clear to me that it was not going to mature to the level of commitment that was required for me. Yes, physical intimacy was part of it, but when each date was the facsimile of the previous and the same conversations were being hashed out....that is a sign that things were not progressing. Moving forward. This was after a couple months of steady dating....

Candygirl1414, you should not be confused. Based on this, he was 'pushing' for sex. I suspect that the two of you did not speak on topics of great substance. As sporadic as your dates were and limited time, he had enough. 

Don't know what to tell you ladies. I know it's tough for you. Just sharing my observations, nothing more. 

[Spainglish]

Maybe they ghosted you because they felt you were a tease.  You made it clear you were not looking for a hook up but then invited them to sleep in your bed.  What are they supposed to think?  That your're going to make shadow puppets on the wall?   No.  They're going to think you changed your mind so they build up the anticipation and then just leave frustrated.  

If you're going to let them spend the night, do your cuddling on the couch and go to bed alone.  This gives a clear signal you are not looking for sex.

Personally, I would not let anyone stay the night until I've know then for quite awhile, but I've watched too many murder movies.  🤣    

[Miss Spider]

25 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I am curious as to why you let him sleep over if no sex was to be had? No offense, but knowing that he was seeking sex, why be in the same bed cuddling? Just keep tight boundaries and not introduce ambiguity to your expectations. 

 

I would assume they told her they were cool with hanging out even if there wasn't sex(Bc she told them before it was not an option) Which is the case sometimes as evidenced by plenty of home dates people have. Not trying to mislead someone, but I happen to really like that venue and suggest it. I had one of those dates yesterday and nope nothing happened but arm over shoulder and kiss goodbye.I would say if someone can't hang out at home without having sex, their boundaries are not that tight or they just aren't good at enforcing them.

 

I totally agree with  @fox sake that it's not about a timeline and I don't get people who think like that.....I feel like it should be about the connection and comfort a person has with the other....not how many dates or the what venue you're at

I have done dates over at house plenty and  I've never had a guy get impatient with waiting...but if they did...I think that means we are just not a match/the other stuff wasn't there to keep him around...I actually change my initial stance upon some thought. I  don't really believe a guy would ghost any woman he was super interested in, particularly for an ltr, thing because she wasn't ready to have sex yet. I just don't think that happens, despite men saying they would move on every time after x number of dates...

Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[homecoming]

2 hours ago, snowcones said:

I have a very negative view of online dating/apps, and that is why I quit online dating.  I think these dating sites/apps are utterly hopeless.  I think they make people behave VERY badly, or to put it more accurately, give people an excuse to behave badly because there are no consequences one must face for behaving badly, and because you are so detached due to engaging mostly behind an electronic device, they don't feel any responsibility to be decent.  People do and say things online that they would never in a million years do in person. And that is not changing any time soon, and now we have a generation (or three) that are learning how to behave worse and worse towards each other and towards dating.  It's unfortunate, but as long as we use these apps, I don't see this getting any better until the dating apps go the way of MySpace or something, which I don't see happening at all, unless it's WOMEN who collectively abandon them.

Yes, I agree with the negative view. 

Another thing I've noticed is that you don't really know the person. You don't have any mutual friends, or mutual social connections - I feel like this only means that people can potentially act worse towards you than they would if you had to frequent the same spaces, or had long standing connections. That's just my opinion, though. 

 

[Fox Sake]

18 minutes ago, Spainglish said:

Maybe they ghosted you because they felt you were a tease. 

Ooft...This could hold a lot of truth depending on the strength of chemistry and dynamic they had, if any. 
To him it could have been week 6 and not date 3. Different perspective. And either way if they don’t have the same values then was it it really worth going on with ? 

Edited May 31, 2020 by Fox Sake
Forgot a bit

[snowcones]

4 minutes ago, homecoming said:

Yes, I agree with the negative view. 

Another thing I've noticed is that you don't really know the person. You don't have any mutual friends, or mutual social connections - I feel like this only means that people can potentially act worse towards you than they would if you had to frequent the same spaces, or had long standing connections. That's just my opinion, though. 

 

Yes. Yes. There are no rules or social contracts to follow when you're online.  And that is precisely why jive turkeys love to be online.  They flourish there.  It's like a swamp of filth.  lol

Most normal women feel yucky after being on there for a while.

Edited May 31, 2020 by snowcones

[poppyfields]

I think if a man is truly into a woman, and he senses she's truly into him, and they've got major chemistry and a strong connection going on, he will wait. 

BUT that's not to say he won't try for it, especially if you're at his cuddling, kissing; heck he's attracted to you so yeah he'll try and there is nothing wrong with that!  It means he's attracted to you!  

It's up to the woman to maintain boundaries if not ready and again if they've got a strong connection going on, and he's into her, wanting to develop something beyond sex, he will respect her boundaries and wait.

Funny story about my current bf.  I think it was our third date and we were at a ball game, and something hit me hard.

I realized how incredibly attracted to him I was, we'd had a few drinks, all my inhibitions came tumbling down and I was like all over him!  Lol

Back home, I was the one who wanted sex!  But HE wanted to wait.

Before me, he was somewhat of a "player" and bedded women far too quickly, it then fizzled out.

He said he sensed something special in me, in us, and wanted to build on that before becoming sexual.

We made it to the 9th date.  😍

Edited May 31, 2020 by poppyfields