Is he lying

[Traceylynne]

hey, I’m new and just looking for some answers and thoughts on my situation I find myself in.

i met this guy in the pub where I was working, I knew he was married and we just used to chat while I was at work.. 6 months down the road and we had become good friends, he told me that although married they led separate lives, and were together for financial reasons, they weren’t in love and led separate lives, hardly spoke to each other and where never intimate.. we began a affair but I always said I didn’t want to be the other woman and he insisted I wouldn’t, he would leave her when the time came.. three months into our affair I told him he needed to make a decision as I want happy with all the lies and sneaking around, he told me he needed more time as didn’t want to leave and loose all he’s worked hard for all his life and we didn’t work out.. I kinda understood what he was saying!  He also stated that he wanted to leave her after a row and she should not ever know he’s been seeing me, he said it would break her heart and become very messy but if he left after a argument she would be a lot fairer when the divorce happened and the assets where shared! We are now 6 months into the relationship and still in the same position, I have totally fallen for this guy, I see him most days, sometimes only for 20 minutes sometimes a couple hrs, we have been away once and have only ever spent two whole nights together, part of me believes his reasons but the other part thinks maybe he’s stringing me along??

he swears it’s me he wants to be with and he loves me but I’m unsure as believe if he really wanted to be with me nothing would stop him!

im not proud of myself and would have never have given in to this affair if I thought he was happily married but I believed he was only with her for the reasons stated.. it can’t be just for sex as we don’t always have sex, probably once a week but he’s consistent with his visits and phone calls! I’m so confused and so so heartbroken by this situation I really don’t know what to do?? Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! He’s 61 and I’m 57

thanks for reading X

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry, his line is so cliche and tired ... the issue of does he mean it  ... is not even relevant. He might have meant it for the 5 minutes when he was with you.

Basically, he's married, period. He can move out right now if he wants. He can initiate divorce if he wants. Plenty of marriages go through horrible times--absolutely means nothing for separating. They hang in there ... and things get better ... or they just hang in there ... In other words, he's just blowing smoke full of nonsense your way.

Sorry you bought his b.s. This can happen when we're young ... Oh ... let's say in the 1 a million times the married guy does leave the family he is so allegedly unhappy with ... the relationship with the person in your position ... will not last ... cannot last ... 

Get out and move on. 

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Traceylynne said:

excuse  #1 why he hasn’t left - he told me that although married they led separate lives, and were together for financial reasons, they weren’t in love and led separate lives, hardly spoke to each other and where never intimate..

Excuse #2 why he hasn’t left - he told me he needed more time as didn’t want to leave and loose all he’s worked hard for all his life and we didn’t work out..

Excuse #3 why he hasn’t left - He also stated that he wanted to leave her after a row, he said it would break her heart and become very messy but if he left after a argument she would be a lot fairer when the divorce happened and the assets where shared!

part of me believes his reasons but the other part thinks maybe he’s stringing me along??

I think he’s stringing you along... his list of excuses seems to be growing...

The excuse that his marriage is loveless, they sleep in separate bedrooms, they are like roommates, etc... is quite literally as old as time. It is so typical that you could say it’s textbook - married men say this all the time when trying to gain the attention/affection of another woman because quite honestly, you said it yourself, if he told you that he was happily married you would have rejected his advances. So, he creates a sob story and the rest is history...

Seriously, he is waiting for a row because he thinks it would be more fair to his wife? Does that make any sense to you? You are not a young woman, you have lived life and you have some life experience. If this doesn’t feel good to you, it’s because it isn’t. 

Quote

we began a affair but I always said I didn’t want to be the other woman and he insisted I wouldn’t,

And yet, that’s exactly what you are... despite his insistence that you never would. He has done nothing to make it any different. 

Edited May 30, 2020 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

Give him a deadline and stick to it. Walk away when he doesn't agree to it. Different people value different things and I think he may have been being honest when he said he didn't want to take the financial hit of divorce. This will sound mean, but I don't think you'll be "worth it" to him. Giving him a deadline to start divorce and move out in say a month or two will prove that. Then you can walk away definitively, knowing that he wasn't fully sincere.

[BaileyB]

Or don’t. If you give him a deadline you will wait for weeks, anxiously wondering what he is going to decide. Read the posts on this board, it’s called “the pick me dance.” It’s not something I personally would ever want to do. 

I want more for my life than a married man who give every excuse he can think of not to leave his wife. Personally, I would walk away... if he really wants to be with you, he knows what to do. 

But like Mark, I doubt he will leave his marriage at this age and stage of life. A new relationship is wonderful until he meets with a divorce lawyer who will tell him exactly how much he stands to lose... that’s a cold dose of reality, and in many cases it tends to diminish whatever feelings the men have for their other women. 

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, Traceylynne said:

I’m so confused and so so heartbroken by this situation I really don’t know what to do?? 

Being confused and heartbroken is not a healthy place to be. This is your gut instinct ringing the alarm bell for you.

This state of limbo  can easily carry on for months and years unless you put your foot down and remove yourself from this messy situation. This guy doesn't seem like he'll be your happily ever after. Sorry Traceylynne.

[Amethyst68]

I don't know why I'm surprised that I'm typing this out again.

You say you've been meeting him daily? How is that possible? Almost every country in the western world has had strict restrictions in place because of COVID-19. Now it's possible you live in Sweden or somewhere that didn't practice social distancing or isolating but most likely you've been endangering at least his wife's life every single time you meet. More if he's got a family, you don't mention your own situation but it's the same for you, if you have a partner and/or kids you risked their lives every time you had a sneaky little meet up.

It may seem like scaremongering, I've lost several people close to me. I've not been able to go to their funerals, in fact I've got my first online funeral this week, so selfish behaviour like this really gets to me.

[Traceylynne]

12 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'm sorry, his line is so cliche and tired ... the issue of does he mean it  ... is not even relevant. He might have meant it for the 5 minutes when he was with you.

Basically, he's married, period. He can move out right now if he wants. He can initiate divorce if he wants. Plenty of marriages go through horrible times--absolutely means nothing for separating. They hang in there ... and things get better ... or they just hang in there ... In other words, he's just blowing smoke full of nonsense your way.

Sorry you bought his b.s. This can happen when we're young ... Oh ... let's say in the 1 a million times the married guy does leave the family he is so allegedly unhappy with ... the relationship with the person in your position ... will not last ... cannot last ... 

Get out and move on. 

 

 

 

 

[Traceylynne]

So my question now is, would you tell  the wife, or let him get off Scot free and let him go back to his happy life?? I know it sounds selfish but part of me thinks why should I let him get away with treating me like a mug?? Also I tell her it’s all out no come back if she finds out later.. I just want it all over and done with, I do know deep down hel never leave but. I guess I just want to believe him as I do have strong feelings for him.. any input would be much appreciated x

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I would say don't tell her, especially right now, because your motives for doing so will be questioned. You're in enough mess already without stirring the pot. Focus first on yourself, freeing yourself mentally and emotionally. After you accomplish that you can decide to tell her for her benefit (only) and whether you'll be prepared at that time to bear the brunt of her fury (she might place 100% blame on you and 0% on him).  You can't know how it would blow up for you or anyone in their family, so focus on getting yourself sorted for now. Eventually your anger will dissipate if you find more proactive outlets. Martial Arts is a good example of working out that frustration. 

[Crazelnut]

You asked if he's lying to you? He's a liar. He's been lying to his wife, the woman he vowed to love and cherish and be faithful to. If he can lie to her, he can easily lie to you. He's a proven liar. 

Your story is so common. Even the very words you used have been written here by OW hundreds of times. This isn't some great love affair; it's just a run of the mill, ordinary affair.

Don't tell the wife. Just tell him it's over and go No Contact with him. Feel sad, mourn, whatever it takes to heal, but don't give in and communicate with him.

[elaine567]

16 hours ago, Traceylynne said:

He’s 61 and I’m 57

Not going to happen, unless she kicks him out and even them he will be begging her to let him come home 
Old guys like this have far too much to lose.
They are looking for another woman for fun and frolics on the side, not a replacement wife.
He has told you where his head is at so believe him.
Another vote for leave the wife well alone.
 

[BaileyB]

Indeed, this is going to sound harsh but if you were concerned for his wife, you wouldn’t have slept with her husband. Your concern is a little disingenuous.

Your motive for telling the woman is not good, you are hurt and you want to punish him. Better to just walk away with what’s  left of your dignity intact. 

Edited May 31, 2020 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

14 hours ago, Traceylynne said:

So my question now is, would you tell  the wife, or let him get off Scot free and let him go back to his happy life?? I know it sounds selfish but part of me thinks why should I let him get away with treating me like a mug?? 

This is teenage thinking: petty, petulant, self-absorbed, destructive. You can own the affair. It's YOUR fault if you don't like the result of the relationship with him. You both are fully responsible.

Your thinking acts like he's more responsible than you. No, your job is to get some maturity so that when someone tells you a lie that has been used thousands of times in the history of the world, you can see through it. Truly, his lie wasn't even a half-convincing lie. But you fell for it. That's where you need to spend your energy. How to get more wise. BTW: I think it wise not to get involved with a married person in the first place, but if you do, you need to know that you're playing with fire. 

Tell his wife, and he will despise you forever. 

[Luna66star]

He is playing you for a total fool.  You are being strung along and used for sex.  He probably went into your pub (and elsewhere) looking for a side chick.  Also how do you know you aren't the only one he has? 

I had affair with a guy whose 61 yrs of age (I'm 52) and he said he and his wife were roommates, have separate rooms.   Met this one at work.  He said he's been good all these years and I was the first one he couldn't say no to.  His wife went thru menopause and they have boring, quickee sex.  He has 2 older sons who still live at home and stays for the "kids". But said off and on that he's planning to divorce her.  

I was fed so many lies it's not funny.  Therr was ever any divorce planned.  Found out I was not the only one either  then or before.  In fact he was hitting on other women in the workplace while seeing me.  A rumor started there too about how much of a skirt chaser he was.  I went to HR about how he kept hounding me when I told him to never speak to me again.

All he wanted from me was some hot sex.  After a time, I had a suspicion he was chasing other women around and stringing me along too. He was also very cold after we had been intimate and disappeared for days to likely hunt down other victims.  He was a predator, pure and simple.  After all was said and done, he wasn't even decent in the bedroom.  He would lie there and want me to service him like a prostitute.  That's what we are to these MM.  

Your MM is not leaving his wife.  You are dessert on the side.  Sorry to be so blunt.  I'm sure you are an intelligent, lovely person.  He is using you.

They are very charming and can appear so sincere about how stressed out they are at home or how the wife and him have grown apart.  It may or may not be true in some cases.  The fact remains that they have no problem sneaking around and lying to the woman he vowed to love, honor and cherish.  

A strong man of high moral character would separate and divorce.  Not wanting to rock the boat at home or hurt the kids doesn't  count.  They are liers.

In my opinion, you should tell his wife.  Its the only way he will be made accountable for his cheating.  His wife deserves to know.

I made a humungous mistake becoming "friends" with the MM to begin with.  They always start off all platonic and innocent like it's just friendship they want.  It's all manipulative to get you to trust them and eventually let down your guard.

Please walk away and only settle for a man with integrity.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[pepperbird]

15 hours ago, Traceylynne said:

So my question now is, would you tell  the wife, or let him get off Scot free and let him go back to his happy life?? I know it sounds selfish but part of me thinks why should I let him get away with treating me like a mug?? Also I tell her it’s all out no come back if she finds out later.. I just want it all over and done with, I do know deep down hel never leave but. I guess I just want to believe him as I do have strong feelings for him.. any input would be much appreciated x

op,

before you start planning your future with him, look at what he's doing right now. It will show you how he treats people. He's cheating on his wife, and not only that, he wants to wait until they've had a fight so he can leave then, make it look like it's at least 50 percent on her all so he can do better in a divorce settlement. That's really quite a rotten thing to do.

Say it wasn't his BS he was doing this to, but your sister, mother or friend. How would you feel about him? I doubt you'd be too pleased. Whether you think she deserves it or not, the way he's treating his wife is a sneak peek into how he will treat you. He's not even saying " I feel bad that this happened but I still think divorce is best. I will be fair in any settlement".
What does that tell you about him?

[MsJayne]

How long has he been married to his wife?  20 years? 40 years?  If he can't be honest with the woman he chose to marry, don't imagine that he's being honest with you.  Also, given the situation where in fact only one person is getting their needs met, and that's him, both you and his wife are being diminished by his dishonesty and you are being emotionally impacted by it in a very negative way. You will only ever find out if he's genuine about his feelings for you if you take good advice and put a stop to the relationship on any terms other than honest ones - and stick to it.  The "We live separate lives" story is how men perceive their marriage once the wife stops putting out.  If you asked his wife what her marriage is like, I doubt every much that she'd say, "Oh, it's over, we live separate lives but still live together because t's financially convenient"...... because they don't, they live together because she doesn't even know he's unhappy, and he's too much of a coward to be honest.

[ladyred229]

On 5/31/2020 at 4:41 AM, Traceylynne said:

hey, I’m new and just looking for some answers and thoughts on my situation I find myself in.

i met this guy in the pub where I was working, I knew he was married and we just used to chat while I was at work.. 6 months down the road and we had become good friends, he told me that although married they led separate lives, and were together for financial reasons, they weren’t in love and led separate lives, hardly spoke to each other and where never intimate.. we began a affair but I always said I didn’t want to be the other woman and he insisted I wouldn’t, he would leave her when the time came.. three months into our affair I told him he needed to make a decision as I want happy with all the lies and sneaking around, he told me he needed more time as didn’t want to leave and loose all he’s worked hard for all his life and we didn’t work out.. I kinda understood what he was saying!  He also stated that he wanted to leave her after a row and she should not ever know he’s been seeing me, he said it would break her heart and become very messy but if he left after a argument she would be a lot fairer when the divorce happened and the assets where shared! We are now 6 months into the relationship and still in the same position, I have totally fallen for this guy, I see him most days, sometimes only for 20 minutes sometimes a couple hrs, we have been away once and have only ever spent two whole nights together, part of me believes his reasons but the other part thinks maybe he’s stringing me along??

he swears it’s me he wants to be with and he loves me but I’m unsure as believe if he really wanted to be with me nothing would stop him!

im not proud of myself and would have never have given in to this affair if I thought he was happily married but I believed he was only with her for the reasons stated.. it can’t be just for sex as we don’t always have sex, probably once a week but he’s consistent with his visits and phone calls! I’m so confused and so so heartbroken by this situation I really don’t know what to do?? Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! He’s 61 and I’m 57

thanks for reading X

My take is, he is already 60 yrs old. If he is not happy with his marriage, he would already left. 

Edited June 1, 2020 by ladyred229

[Amethyst68]

15 hours ago, Luna66star said:

A strong man of high moral character would separate and divorce.

A man like this wouldn't be cheating in the first place!

[mark clemson]

On 5/30/2020 at 3:18 PM, BaileyB said:

Or don’t. If you give him a deadline you will wait for weeks, anxiously wondering what he is going to decide. Read the posts on this board, it’s called “the pick me dance.” It’s not something I personally would ever want to do. 

Hmm. I would think the "pick me dance" would involve placating him and "knowing your place" as an OW, whereas setting a deadline (and sticking to it) shows spine. My view is the pick me dance is not the same as pick me or I walk. If you see it differently, that's ok...

[What_Did_I_Do]

Are his lips moving? If they are then he's lying.

He's not going to give you the straight up goods of what's really happening at home.  From MM: Hey Traceylynne, my marriage has gotten a bit stale, W is no longer a tiger in the bedroom (well quite frankly, neither am I) and I'm not leaving her because I have a very comfortable life but how's about a bit of fun on the side..wink, wink. You would run for the hills if he told the truth of what's really going down at home.

I'm sorry he's delivered nothing but false promises. His lines are straight from the Cheater's Handbook. When you start talking about ending the affair he'll attempt to amp up the game with new promises of leaving. But that will be temporary as it's just a matter of time before the excuses start piling up;  health scares, wife will fall apart, pet needs surgery or kids will have difficulties with the divorce etc, so just give it a bit more time. Run now while you still have some sanity left.

 

 

[stillafool]

It's also a lie that he and his wife haven't had an argument (his excuse to leave in 6 months.  She's so horrible but they have not argued.  Okay.

[mark clemson]

On 5/31/2020 at 2:56 AM, Traceylynne said:

So my question now is, would you tell  the wife, or let him get off Scot free and let him go back to his happy life?? I know it sounds selfish but part of me thinks why should I let him get away with treating me like a mug??

Potentially blowing up the life of a person you ostensibly cared for over wounded pride absolutely doesn't sound petty or vindictive.

While I rarely agree with the agency argument for telling the BS, that reasoning at least has a sound ethical viewpoint supporting it.

[IndigoNight]

Why would his wife be heartbroken if he left, or she found out about you,  if they are only together for financial reasons as he said. She wouldn't be!!!

He is lying.  He is stringing you along so he can have his affair and home life too. 

You deserve better.  Your heart is going to get broken, be it now or later. Right now you have a choice, later you likely won't.  So choose you!! Leave him with his marriage that is so miserable that he lies his @ss off to stay in it. 🙄

 

 

[Traceylynne]

Just a update.. I did tell her, I think she deserved to know, yes it’s the end for our so called relationship but was has been put across in these posts made sense, I would not want to spend my life with someone like that.. I’m proud of myself for having the guts to show him that I’m made of better things than to be used and lied to! The wife actually appreciated my honesty.. he rang many times but iv not answered and he’s now blocked, probably trying to claw himself out of the mess he’s got himself into! No regrets he deserves it!

thankyou all for your comments they where all thought about before I made my decision.. much love ❤️