kh85 Posted May 30, 2020 Posted May 30, 2020 Hi folks I'm new here! I could really use some advice and it's something I'm not even comfortable telling my friends this seems like a good place to start! Sorry for the length. I dated someone for about a year, but then we ended things as partners because I was moving away and wasn't ready to settle down/do long distance. But we always remained good friends and we are part of the same friends circle. 2 years later, I moved back. I've always had a soft spot for him and always wondered 'what if' but thought I would keep that to myself as it's a miracle we stayed good friends. But alas after being back about 6 months, we'd had a few drinks (a running theme you'll soon see) and established that there are some feelings there on both ends and it's worth exploring. I was nervous - we're so close, if things don't work, could our friendship survive a second round, etc So we agreed to take it slow, just date and see what happens. Then lockdown happened, so we hadn't seen each other for 2 months until last night. Earlier I had met a friend for drinks in the park and then had a birthday zoom call, which involved more drink. He was on the call too and we decided to meet up afterwards. We had a nice night, woke up, spent the morning watching some TV and he went back home. Then it hit me in a flashback - saying those 3 words, drunk during a moment of feeling nostalgic. This isn't something I throw around easily - I haven't said it to anyone in 10 years. And I'm not ready. Not even close. And to make matters worse, he said he loved me back. He hadn't been drinking as long as me, but was pretty drunk too so its possible that he regrets saying it too soon as well. But I feel like a rotten person because I said it first. I'm still unsure if we will work the second time round. I mean we are so close, but after all that time it might not be a romantic fit. Hence the discussion to take it slow. Then I go and do this. Well done on making it this far. Any words of wisdom? (Other than don't drink so much.) I think I know the answer but not sure how to approach it. I'm not the best at these things Signed, Someone who is never drinking again
Amanda141 Posted May 30, 2020 Posted May 30, 2020 Hello and welcome to the forum!! I have a few questions, to better understand your situation: during these two months of lockdown did you keep in contact much? how old are you? If I were you I'd invite him for a walk and then talk to him about last night. Sometimes being straightforward: after all, honesty is the best policy, and starting with lies wouldn't be ideal to make things work. So I would casually bring up the topic and explain that while you care about him a lot, it was a bit premature to pronounce those big words. Love is something that needs to be cultivated with patience, time and effort, but saying it yesterday was too soon for you. Maybe it's possible that he feels this way too, but said "I love you" back because he felt it was rude not to reciprocate... or maybe he really loves you: in this case, you should tell him that you respect and appreciate his emotions, but that you need time because you really give weight to words. You could also say sorry for saying things you didn't mean, and recognise your mistake. Either way, good luck. I hope everything turns out fine! Amanda 1
miranda561 Posted May 30, 2020 Posted May 30, 2020 34 minutes ago, kh85 said: Hi folks I'm new here! I could really use some advice and it's something I'm not even comfortable telling my friends this seems like a good place to start! Sorry for the length. I dated someone for about a year, but then we ended things as partners because I was moving away and wasn't ready to settle down/do long distance. But we always remained good friends and we are part of the same friends circle. 2 years later, I moved back. I've always had a soft spot for him and always wondered 'what if' but thought I would keep that to myself as it's a miracle we stayed good friends. But alas after being back about 6 months, we'd had a few drinks (a running theme you'll soon see) and established that there are some feelings there on both ends and it's worth exploring. I was nervous - we're so close, if things don't work, could our friendship survive a second round, etc So we agreed to take it slow, just date and see what happens. Then lockdown happened, so we hadn't seen each other for 2 months until last night. Earlier I had met a friend for drinks in the park and then had a birthday zoom call, which involved more drink. He was on the call too and we decided to meet up afterwards. We had a nice night, woke up, spent the morning watching some TV and he went back home. Then it hit me in a flashback - saying those 3 words, drunk during a moment of feeling nostalgic. This isn't something I throw around easily - I haven't said it to anyone in 10 years. And I'm not ready. Not even close. And to make matters worse, he said he loved me back. He hadn't been drinking as long as me, but was pretty drunk too so its possible that he regrets saying it too soon as well. But I feel like a rotten person because I said it first. I'm still unsure if we will work the second time round. I mean we are so close, but after all that time it might not be a romantic fit. Hence the discussion to take it slow. Then I go and do this. Well done on making it this far. Any words of wisdom? (Other than don't drink so much.) I think I know the answer but not sure how to approach it. I'm not the best at these things Signed, Someone who is never drinking again Don't stress about it. Youre both probably thinking exctly the same as each other. 1
Fox Sake Posted May 30, 2020 Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) Without speaking to him about it- anything is speculation on what he feels or thinks. What’s important is how you feel and think about it. And clearly you aren’t ready for that yet. I can see how you wouldn’t want to bring it up but maybe you need to, if you want things to keep going slowly , if at all Edited May 30, 2020 by Fox Sake Dyslexic phone 1
Author kh85 Posted May 30, 2020 Author Posted May 30, 2020 1 hour ago, amanda141 said: Hello and welcome to the forum!! I have a few questions, to better understand your situation: during these two months of lockdown did you keep in contact much? how old are you? If I were you I'd invite him for a walk and then talk to him about last night. Sometimes being straightforward: after all, honesty is the best policy, and starting with lies wouldn't be ideal to make things work. So I would casually bring up the topic and explain that while you care about him a lot, it was a bit premature to pronounce those big words. Love is something that needs to be cultivated with patience, time and effort, but saying it yesterday was too soon for you. Maybe it's possible that he feels this way too, but said "I love you" back because he felt it was rude not to reciprocate... or maybe he really loves you: in this case, you should tell him that you respect and appreciate his emotions, but that you need time because you really give weight to words. You could also say sorry for saying things you didn't mean, and recognise your mistake. Either way, good luck. I hope everything turns out fine! Amanda Yes we have definitely kept in touch, but we are always in touch anyway albeit as friends. And I'm 32 (old enough to know better!) And yes I do think that I need to be open about it. I noticed in my message after he left and said he had a nice night that I said 'I did too, aside from the memory blanks!' which once the memory gaps came back I can see him reading into as my way of saying 'ignore what I said' in an indirect way which is not cool (I genuinely hadn't remembered by then). But yes because if things don't work out down the line then I can see him being confused. It's not really been any secret that he's always been into me it's pretty known amongst all our friends (everyone always loves to say 'you two will end up together' - part of the reason we don't want them to know just yet. So even if the phrase itself was too strong, sentiment wise I do think he has those feelings. Thanks again for the advice on how to put it - seems the best way to phrase/handle it. 1
preraph Posted May 30, 2020 Posted May 30, 2020 He's probably relieved you didn't just keep saying it back, honestly. You can always say if it comes up, Oh, man, I really do care about you, but I was too drunk to be talking that night. 1
Miss Spider Posted May 30, 2020 Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) People say ILY to each other all the time when drunk lol...It's just a thing they do..If you don't really feel that way/not ready, if he brings it up again when you're both sober in a serious context be like omgosh I'm sorry I was in my feelings that night. way too much too drink haha... It's only a big deal if you make it so Edited May 30, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
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