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Is he pushing my boundaries already, even before the first date?


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Posted (edited)

ladybug, I hope you're not starting to cave.  I can sense despite all this, you're still somewhat intrigued and may be easily swayable. 

If he were genuine, he might have been honest and replied he is attracted to you and was thinking about it, but that he respects your boundaries and will back off.

I've had that happen where a man will push my boundaries, and even admit to it when asked, but once I made it clear I didn't appreciate it or all the sexual innuendo, he would of back off.

But this bozo decided to flat out lie and deny the obvious!  

God, I hope you don't cave and go!  

Edited by poppyfields
Posted

Good for you.  Yeah, now that you mention it, it is kind of pathetic.  Probably they did try to date 20 year olds.  Some people do divorce, male and female, and end up not understanding how the 20-year-gap or whatever it's been since they've dated changes the entire game.  

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Posted

OP, I would have had the same reaction as you at his request for pics in you in your pajamas. His response to your refusal would make it even worse for me,  but it would at least confirm that this is not someone I'd want to meet in person. 

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Posted
9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, I would have had the same reaction as you at his request for pics in you in your pajamas. His response to your refusal would make it even worse for me,  but it would at least confirm that this is not someone I'd want to meet in person. 

It feels the kind of situation where he pushes little by little. First in your pyjamas, then you starting showing a bit of skin here and there, then he pushes further and next thing you know you are exchanging nudes pics. No thanks.

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Posted (edited)
53 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

ladybug, I hope you're not starting to cave.  I can sense despite all this, you're still somewhat intrigued and may be easily swayable. 

If he were genuine, he might have been honest and replied he is attracted to you and was thinking about it, but that he respects your boundaries and will back off.

I've had that happen where a man will push my boundaries, and even admit to it when asked, but once I made it clear I didn't appreciate it or all the sexual innuendo, he would of back off.

But this bozo decided to flat out lie and deny the obvious!  

God, I hope you don't cave and go!  

He is already blocked and deleted, so no not gonna cave.

He said he was attracted to me, but he didn't say he was thinking about it. He said his intentions were to go for a walk, have lunch, get to know each other and then go back home, which was not. He was preparing to stay over at mine in some way or another.

And funny thing is, when we talked about this on the phone, he started repeating several times "if you don't want to meet anymore just say". I think he lost motivation to meet me after knowing he wasn't getting any action but wanted me to cancel. This is manipulation.

Moving on.

Edited by ladybug2021
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Posted

You're doing the right thing. If you feel something is off before you even meet, it definitely is. Don't waste your time.

Posted (edited)

That was rude of him to say and no arguments for the block...but tbh , 1hr drive is a 2 hr block of time to drive and you’re only gonna hang with him for the amount of time to eat ? . I’m sure there’s a lot of people who would do that, but it’s more considerate that when someone makes a bit of a journey you have plenty of time you can spend with them if you’re really interested in getting to know them... jmo . 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Posted
17 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

That was rude of him to say and no arguments for the block...but tbh , 1hr drive is a 2 hr block of time to drive and you’re only gonna hang with him for the amount of time to eat ? . I’m sure there’s a lot of people who would do that, but it’s more considerate that when someone makes a bit of a journey you have plenty of time you can spend with them if you’re really interested in getting to know them... jmo . 

Totally agree with you. That's why I asked him are you really ok with driving here knowing I only have time to eat and then will go back home? I don't mind to only meet on Sunday when I have more time to spend together.

To which he respond he is totally fine with driving 2 hours just to have dinner with me. So, that's on him.

Anyway I felt his intentions were to spend the night at mine, so he wasn't really bothered with the driving.

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Posted (edited)

Yep. I totally understand if you’re not comfortable with it. Maybe next time, if you like the guy, you can  suggest meeting a bit earlier in the day. Also, I know that you just had to pick your daughter up, but this is just more a general PSA:  Even if a guy stays over, you don’t have to sleep with him. Sorry, but if someone thinks that inviting  someone to your home automatically means they are entitled to your body, I completely disagree and always will. I have went over to guy’s  houses and 0 happened not even a kiss and I would have declined anything I did not want to happen. It’s simply a free and comfortable venue for people to get to know each other. Especially with most places being closed rn. . But if you in any way feel that you would not be safe to do that,  you made the right call. You don’t trust them.  I think you made the right call anyway based on his choice of words. Back to the drawing board! 

Edited by Cookiesandough
Posted (edited)

LB, I appreciate cookies' experience of going to his and nothing happened, but I have done same on first date, and was overpowered and sexually assaulted.  It was pretty bad actually.   

So I would not advise it as a general rule for that reason.  

But do what's comfortable for you.  Not every guy or situation is the same. 

In this case though, I think you made the right call. 

 

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Posted (edited)

I’m so sorry poppy.
 

I know these things do happen and they can  happen in even in circumstances you know the person(and statistically, usually do) 

In any case, listen to your gut. 
Again, I am so sorry, Poppy :( 

 

 

Edited by Cookiesandough
Accuracy of information
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Posted
1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

I’m so sorry poppy.
 

I know these things do happen and they can  happen in even in circumstances you’ve known the person a long time(and statistically, usually do) 

In any case, listen to your gut. 
Again, I am so sorry, Poppy :( 

 

 

Aww, thanks cookies, you're making me cry but it's okay.  This was years ago, I'm past it, but still, it's something you never forget.  

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Posted (edited)
12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

LB, I appreciate cookies' experience of going to his and nothing happened, but I have done same on first date, and was overpowered and sexually assaulted.  It was pretty bad actually.   

So I would not advise it as a general rule for that reason.  

But do what's comfortable for you.  Not every guy or situation is the same. 

In this case though, I think you made the right call. 

 

 

 

Really sorry this happened to you!

As a general rule, I do not invite any guy to spend the night at mine on a first date after only knowing him for a week and in person for a couple of hours.

He can even be the most amazing person in the world, but on a first date? No way.

Edited by ladybug2021
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Posted (edited)

Aww poppy. I don’t want to make you cry. :( Although sometimes that can be good. I’m glad you’ve healed and continue to heal x 

———-

Plz realize though, op, that if a guy is gonna harm  you, he can usually wait a few weeks. I think your comfort level with the person is a much better barometer than any timeline. And then again, you still really never know(?) Go at your own pace, regardless. 
 

My comment was more pointed toward the majority of men who are not sick fcks. Just two normal people meeting up to get to know each other, even if it’s 3 months in... just because he’s at your house or vice versa..  you’re still allowed to say not yet if you’re not ready for that

Edited by Cookiesandough
Posted (edited)

You're making the right decision by sticking to your Sunday meeting.  He hasn't even met you in person and is already showing he's not very patient, nor is he very understanding of a mother's responsibility to keep their children on schedule, nor is he showing any respect for your schedule and what you need.  It sounds like he keeps trying to get you to change everything for him and that could get worse.  I hope your Sunday meeting goes well.  Have fun!

Edited by Spainglish
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Posted
6 hours ago, hippychick3 said:

My first thought after your first post was that maybe you should not assume the worst and just see how he behaves in person. But the more information you shared, the more creepy this sounds. The incessant calling is way too weird just by itself. He definitely is trying to love bomb you and get in your pants this weekend. I'm glad you are done with him now!

Same here. The additional information has changed my opinion. The constant calling and texting is way over-the-top.

 

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I vote for simply blocking and deleting.  Done.

Of course you do... and that's your soft side.

OP, there's no need to be rude or antagonistic. Just text him and say you aren't feeling it, and wish him well. Remember, this is a guy you were engaging with and were about to date... don't be suggestible, be classy. 

Posted
8 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Of course you do... and that's your soft side.

No sal, my soft side is what I wrote later in that same post:

>>"Or send him a quick text cancelling, no reason, then block and delete. That is what I would do."<<

Guess you missed that part.  Lol. 😛

Posted
1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

but I have done same on first date, and was overpowered and sexually assaulted.  It was pretty bad actually. 

I am sorry you had to endure and suffer the trauma of that. No one should, of course. It's understandable that you would be skeptical and suspicious... but every guy deserves to start at -0- and be judged on his own merits. Most men would not only treat you well, but would intervene if they had the opportunity to prevent something bad from happening. Try not to generalize too much.

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Posted (edited)
15 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I am sorry you had to endure and suffer the trauma of that. No one should, of course. It's understandable that you would be skeptical and suspicious... but every guy deserves to start at -0- and be judged on his own merits. Most men would not only treat you well, but would intervene if they had the opportunity to prevent something bad from happening. Try not to generalize too much.

Thanks sal.   But in my defense I did say in my post, that every guy and every situation is different. 

So I try to not generalize.  

That said, in my neck of the woods, and the profession I'm in, I deal with this often, at various degrees of severity.  It's not an uncommon occurence.

So as a woman, I believe in being prudent and cautious, until such time you know him (and vice versa) a bit better, that's all.

Thanks again for your thoughtful words. 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Posted (edited)

Sry I didn’t mean any contention with what I posted.. Or dredge up any bad memories

 

Basically all I was trying to say is that I’m of the belief that just because there are 4 walls, a hot guy, and a bed, doesn’t mean I gotta fck on it.  And men I’ve met have respected that. Are they frustrated? Perhaps ...  but I don’t think that’s it’s your  problem they have that expectation. . That disappointment is something we all might have dealt with from having preconceived notions. You’re a probably a real snack, op, and they’re probably gonna be frustrated standing next to you in church. Doesn’t  mean that you in any way are responsible for their bad behavior. I  had friends who were assaulted by good friends, relatives, their own boyfriends/husbands, and yes strangers . It’s horrible but it’s a reality 

 

tldr; don’t invite someone in or go over to a home if you don’t know them well enough/trust them. But at the same time don’t let the expectation of sex stop you from doing that to someone you otherwise trust 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Posted
20 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Aww poppy. I don’t want to make you cry. :( Although sometimes that can be good. I’m glad you’ve healed and continue to heal x 

———-

Plz realize though, op, that if a guy is gonna harm  you, he can usually wait a few weeks. I think your comfort level with the person is a much better barometer than any timeline. And then again, you still really never know(?) Go at your own pace, regardless. 
 

My comment was more pointed toward the majority of men who are not sick fcks. Just two normal people meeting up to get to know each other, even if it’s 3 months in... just because he’s at your house or vice versa..  you’re still allowed to say not yet if you’re not ready for that

Yes agree, my comfort level with the person is a much better barometer than any timeline, but it is my standard than on a first date I will not take the guy to my house or go to his, sex or no sex.

Going to each other's houses is intimate (even without sex), and it's an important step in dating, so not a thing for a first date for me.

 

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Posted

No one has mentioned this, I don't think, but why would you even consider getting in a car with a stranger for the first date? Is no one practising social distancing there? In the UK we still need to observe the 2 metre distance rule, so a walk in the park yes, but sitting in a car, no.

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Posted
1 minute ago, dangerous said:

No one has mentioned this, I don't think, but why would you even consider getting in a car with a stranger for the first date? Is no one practising social distancing there? In the UK we still need to observe the 2 metre distance rule, so a walk in the park yes, but sitting in a car, no.

I would not sit in a car with a stranger for the first date, virus or no virus.

To me a first date is to agree in a place and time to meet and both get there on their own. 

Posted (edited)
22 minutes ago, dangerous said:

No one has mentioned this, I don't think, but why would you even consider getting in a car with a stranger for the first date? Is no one practising social distancing there? In the UK we still need to observe the 2 metre distance rule, so a walk in the park yes, but sitting in a car, no.

A lot of places here are easing up on the restrictions in my state. . So yes, much more lax with social distancing. I have never gone to a house on a first date (not that opposed to it, just never has been on the table) but I have got into a car to be driven to another venue on 1st dates before. I guess I just don't fear people to the extent some people do. After I've met the person and feel them out, it's like getting in uber to me. Same with coronavirus...I don't really fear it as much at this point . Everyone's comfort level is different and that is ok. It's all about having and enforcing your own boundaries 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Posted
17 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

A lot of places here are easing up on the restrictions in my state. . So yes, much more lax with social distancing. I have never gone to a house on a first date (not that opposed to it, just never has been on the table) but I have got into a car to be driven to another venue on 1st dates before. I guess I just don't fear people to the extent some people do. After I've met the person and feel them out, it's like getting in uber to me. Same with coronavirus...I don't really fear it as much at this point . Everyone's comfort level is different and that is ok. It's all about having and enforcing your own boundaries 

I am a bit like you too. I don't care about social distancing and the virus and if I am attracted to the guy I'll kiss him definitely. 

But going to their house (or them to mine) and getting in their car is just things I don't do on a first date. Maybe if I meet the man of my dreams I'll change my mind. :)

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