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Is he pushing my boundaries already, even before the first date?


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Posted (edited)
30 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

We haven't even met and he texts me all the time many times per day, and also calls me on the phone in the morning, afternoon and evening. I find it a bit too much, even if we were in a relationship, and much more when we haven't met yet. So he might be the controlling type yes.

It's called "creating a false intimacy" and "love-bombing" so when you meet, you will feel comfortable having sex.  Not uncommon, even when you meet in real life. 

Please stop talking to him, why are you?  

There is no giving him benefit of the doubt. There IS no doubt, guy is a first class manipulator and creep!!

I say get rid. 

Edited by poppyfields
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Posted (edited)
12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It's called "creating a false intimacy" and "love-bombing" so when you meet, you will feel comfortable having sex.  Ugh. 

Please stop talking to him, why are you?  

There is no giving him benefit of the doubt. There IS no doubt, guy is a first class manipulator and creep!!

I say get rid. 

Last night we were talking on the phone and he sent a photo of himself in his pyjamas and asked me to send one of myself. When I said no, he insisted and said why not, we already know each other... 🤨 yeah creating a false intimacy.

Also, when he asked where I want to meet on Sunday, I told him about a nice place I like which is like 20 minutes away from mine, and he said oh no, I'll prefer to meet you near your house so you don't have to drive. So totally ignoring where I said I wanna go, and possibly wanting to meet near mine so is quicker to go there.

He also said that we cannot go for a walk because it's too hot and then he will not have anywhere to take a shower... I think he was expecting me to offer for him to go to my house! I told him to go have a swim at the beach. 😅

You are absolutely right! I am going to stop talking to him and I am done. Meeting him would be a waste of time.

Edited by ladybug2021
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Posted

My first thought after your first post was that maybe you should not assume the worst and just see how he behaves in person. But the more information you shared, the more creepy this sounds. The incessant calling is way too weird just by itself. He definitely is trying to love bomb you and get in your pants this weekend. I'm glad you are done with him now!

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Posted
1 minute ago, hippychick3 said:

My first thought after your first post was that maybe you should not assume the worst and just see how he behaves in person. But the more information you shared, the more creepy this sounds. The incessant calling is way too weird just by itself. He definitely is trying to love bomb you and get in your pants this weekend. I'm glad you are done with him now!

Yes he is. I don't know if I should confront him with that or just delete his number without any explanation.

Posted
5 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Yes he is. I don't know if I should confront him with that or just delete his number without any explanation.

I would not confront him. I would just say you have reconsidered and do not think it's a good idea to meet anymore. Wish him good luck and then delete or block.

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Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Yes he is. I don't know if I should confront him with that or just delete his number without any explanation.

I vote for simply blocking and deleting.  Done.

You have never met, you owe him nothing plus if you confront, he's the type to argue and it may even get nasty. 

Why keep that drama going?

Or send him a quick text cancelling, give no reason, then block and delete.

That is what I would do.

Edited by poppyfields
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Posted
Just now, poppyfields said:

I vote for simply blocking and deleting.  Done.

You have never met, you owe him nothing plus if you confront, he's the type to argue and it may even get nasty. 

Why keep that drama going?

Or send him a quick text cancelling, give no reason, then block and delete.

That is what I would do anyway.

I haven't thought about the possibility of him arguing and creating drama, you are right. No need for that.

Will send a quick text, then block and delete.

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Posted

I hope he doesn't think he's sly because he's as transparant as glass.  Every single thing he said or did was geared toward sex.  Not that that's unusual.  That's why most young guys date at all, to get sex.  If there's no sex, they're not interested.  Hold on until you at least find one who pretends to care about something else about you than whether they get first-night laid.  They're rare in the younger years, but not impossible, though they are probably already snatched up, the ones who care.

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Posted
1 minute ago, preraph said:

I hope he doesn't think he's sly because he's as transparant as glass.  Every single thing he said or did was geared toward sex.  Not that that's unusual.  That's why most young guys date at all, to get sex.  If there's no sex, they're not interested.  Hold on until you at least find one who pretends to care about something else about you than whether they get first-night laid.  They're rare in the younger years, but not impossible, though they are probably already snatched up, the ones who care.

This guy is 46 years old! He is not a young guy at all! But still behaves like one.

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Posted

It's not rare for guys of ANY age to care about nothing more than sex, unfortunately.  If he's 46, he's NEVER going to change.  It's all about him getting laid. Some young guys go nuts when they're young and then get enough of it that the new wears off and they want someone for companionship too, but it's not all that common, unfortunately.  

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Posted
2 minutes ago, preraph said:

It's not rare for guys of ANY age to care about nothing more than sex, unfortunately.  If he's 46, he's NEVER going to change.  It's all about him getting laid. Some young guys go nuts when they're young and then get enough of it that the new wears off and they want someone for companionship too, but it's not all that common, unfortunately.  

Why you say is not that common?

Posted

Because most men first and foremost want someone to have sex with and the rest is secondary.  You could be the most delightful person in the world but if a man found out you were never going to have sex, he would drop you like a hot potato because sex is by far the biggest priority for men. 

 

It's not easy to find a man who wants to get emotionally invested just for the sake of getting emotionally invested.  Most of them won't get emotionally invested until and unless they are having sex with you, if then.  Your best bet remains to meet someone in real life that you are around repeatedly enough that you form some sort of bond organically and have something in common with and begin to be invested in as a person.  

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Posted
3 minutes ago, preraph said:

Because most men first and foremost want someone to have sex with and the rest is secondary.  You could be the most delightful person in the world but if a man found out you were never going to have sex, he would drop you like a hot potato because sex is by far the biggest priority for men. 

 

It's not easy to find a man who wants to get emotionally invested just for the sake of getting emotionally invested.  Most of them won't get emotionally invested until and unless they are having sex with you, if then.  Your best bet remains to meet someone in real life that you are around repeatedly enough that you form some sort of bond organically and have something in common with and begin to be invested in as a person.  

Ok, so I want that rare 1% that are awaken and emotionally available and sex is just a part of the equation, not the be all end all of it. That, or nothing.

Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Ok, so I want that rare 1% that are awaken and emotionally available and sex is just a part of the equation, not the be all end all of it. That, or nothing.

I understand people's experiences and frustrations with men but let's not vilify one gender or the other... I know quite a few young men that would jump at the opportunity for companionship with a woman they are attracted to. not all men are creepy, sex-crazed predators. From my personal experience, there are lots of emotionally unavailable women out there who are also only after one thing. 

I think you can get lucky with online dating, but unfortunately there are a lot of porn addicts that use it and have weird ideas about sex and relationships. 

Edited by ccas93
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Posted
10 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

I understand people's experiences and frustrations with men but let's not vilify one gender or the other... I know quite a few young men that would jump at the opportunity for companionship with a woman they are attracted to. not all men are creepy, sex-crazed predators. From my personal experience, there are lots of emotionally unavailable women out there who are also only after one thing. 

I think you can get lucky with online dating, but unfortunately there are a lot of porn addicts that use it and have weird ideas about sex and relationships. 

Yes there are women like that too.

The thing is I work from home as a freelancer and I only have a small group of friends, I don't have chances to meet guys in person. 

Posted
16 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Ok, so I want that rare 1% that are awaken and emotionally available and sex is just a part of the equation, not the be all end all of it. That, or nothing.

Just know that guys will lie and mislead you to think they are getting all attached to you sometimes to get sex.  They all know how to do it.  Try to meet someone in your daily life and get repeat exposure, because my experience is that men can fall for you if they're in a situation where they get to know you, like work or your neighbor, someone you keep running across.  You can tell if a man likes you as a person and is interested in you as a person.  It's a totally different vibe.  They will talk to you just to talk about things you have in common.  So be sure and get some hobbies that involve men!

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Posted
34 minutes ago, preraph said:

Just know that guys will lie and mislead you to think they are getting all attached to you sometimes to get sex.  They all know how to do it.  Try to meet someone in your daily life and get repeat exposure, because my experience is that men can fall for you if they're in a situation where they get to know you, like work or your neighbor, someone you keep running across.  You can tell if a man likes you as a person and is interested in you as a person.  It's a totally different vibe.  They will talk to you just to talk about things you have in common.  So be sure and get some hobbies that involve men!

Yes I know how to spot the different vibes for sure.

That's a good idea, although at the moment is all stopped due to the virus and the lockdown.

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Posted

This is NOT a good time to meet anyone, seriously.  Lots of posts on here about too much texting trying to keep someone entertained until they can meet each other.  Waste of time.  Just wait it out!

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Posted
18 minutes ago, preraph said:

This is NOT a good time to meet anyone, seriously.  Lots of posts on here about too much texting trying to keep someone entertained until they can meet each other.  Waste of time.  Just wait it out!

Well I felt I wanted to ask him directly if he is just looking for sex and in that case it's better if we don't meet, and he said I have the wrong idea about him, that he's not looking or expecting that when we meet, he just wants to meet me and get to know me and then go back home. 

I still can't seem to believe him anyway.

Posted

He's not going to admit that his main goal is sex, but it's obvious. I agree with your decision to cancel the date and block him. 

Posted
28 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Well I felt I wanted to ask him directly if he is just looking for sex and in that case it's better if we don't meet, and he said I have the wrong idea about him, that he's not looking or expecting that when we meet, he just wants to meet me and get to know me and then go back home. 

I still can't seem to believe him anyway.

He's just lying.  His actions and words say otherwise.  He's saying what you want to hear.  

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Posted
3 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

We haven't even met and he texts me all the time many times per day, and also calls me on the phone in the morning, afternoon and evening. I find it a bit too much, even if we were in a relationship, and much more when we haven't met yet. So he might be the controlling type yes.

That seems way too much to me... if he's already like this with a "stranger," just imagine what he's like in a relationship... 

I would rethink meeting up with this guy 

 

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Posted
12 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

Any thoughts?

He mentioned he wanted to kiss me. And he didn't go beyond that because I didn't show myself open to it. But he definitely expects something physical to happen. 

He's going to pressure you into having sex with him.

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Posted
44 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

he said I have the wrong idea about him, that he's not looking or expecting that when we meet, he just wants to meet me and get to know me and then go back home. 

well of course he's going to say that--you peeped his game.

If all he wanted to was meet you and get to know you, why not wait until the Sunday day-side date to do that instead of pushing for Saturday evening with the ulterior motive being to talk you into letting him spend the night?

It's clear he's only after sex--else why make sexually charged comments? Once he got sex, he'd disappear because he's only after getting laid.

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Posted
32 minutes ago, kendahke said:

well of course he's going to say that--you peeped his game.

If all he wanted to was meet you and get to know you, why not wait until the Sunday day-side date to do that instead of pushing for Saturday evening with the ulterior motive being to talk you into letting him spend the night?

It's clear he's only after sex--else why make sexually charged comments? Once he got sex, he'd disappear because he's only after getting laid.

Yes of course, but these 40's guys are such idiots that treat a 40 woman thinking she is a 20 naive year old that has no life experience. 

If they want get sex like that they need to up their game, like being honest! Perhaps that would take them where they want, unless part of the foreplay is thinking they can trick a woman.

I see right through these guys and have zero tolerance for this behaviour. I expect a 40 year old man to be mature and have a brain. If they don't, they're quickly out.

I have blocked and deleted him. Good riddance.

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