Smackie98 Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 Backstory - 3 years ago I met this girl at a part time gig and we became friends. I was just getting out of a 4 year toxic relationship but found intense chemistry with her. Naturally I’m an easygoing person with lots of friends, best friends since kindergarten who love me. But this was different. We had intense eye contact, really talked to each other, held hands and cuddled in her bed. The thing was she had a rich boyfriend whom I knew. But she used to sneak me in her room while her family slept, smoke and cuddle. Kissed me on the tip of my nose one night and said she loved me and “where’s my kiss?” I kissed her cheek and felt awkward. After that I felt this wasn’t just platonic and boundaries are being crossed but we never openly discussed. Sh*t hit the fan when I overslept once and her mom walked in on her hugging me. Her mom beat her and insulted her infront of me. I was surprised because her mom knew me and adored me, but what was weird was the sneaking around and letting me go before her parents woke up. after that I said I won’t come again. But she managed to convince me to keep coming and hid my from her parents. Point was Both of us came from broken homes and we planned to escape away to college in a different country. When she was in her own country, she’d call me everyday and send me sexy pics/videos. When I knew her bf told her to stay away from me because I’m bad, she defended me even thought I wanted to cut our friendship. I felt I was feeling something for her. But she said she couldn’t live without me as I’m her entire world and she wants our dream tl travel and start over. She then broke up with her bf and kept reminding me how she picked me over him. So we traveled. Problems started when she used to express jealousy of me and other guys, but she’d go out with someone she just met. She used to say she had. A dream where we were fighting And then I grabbed her and kissed her and we enjoyed. She kept bringing it up. Then one night I started kissing her neck while under the influence of drugs and alcohol. (I had an addiction) she pulled me closer but we ended up fighting and I was blacked out. (Subconsciously I felt maybe she wanted it. And hence I acted on it. ) The the fights got worse. I was excelling and she didn’t care. I screamed at her "I'm paying everything for you and you don't appreciate anything!" (I covered her flight ticket and dorm etc, I used to work wellpaid projects, her family’s situation was bad could barely afford) After this incident,we argued a lot. She started distancing herself. She said she was afraid of me. She would get physical sometimes, and pull my hair or bite me so hard she'd leave marks. She asked me if I had feelings for her one morning and I said no, I liked her as a friend. after that she decided to move in with our other friend and we barely spoke. I noticed that she was going around to boys and telling them stories that I've abused and harassed her. Then problem was she twisted the story in her favor and said I was in love with her. She did whatever she can to keep boys away from me and was angry when they’d fall for me or hook up with me. It reached a limit when she once said to me " I hope you die already." I took it really badly because I had attempted earlier with a drug overdose after one of our fights. She was there and she broke down crying asking me not to leave her. Anyway after she said those words, I lunged at her and we started fighting on the street. Then she started screaming for help and called cops on me for attempting to strange her. I stayed away from her after that. And then I started regretting and missing her. I started drinking more and cutting my wrists to repent. Then I decided to go to her and apologize and try to fix things. She held my hand and said "we tried and it won't work out. I don't want you. I feel nothing for you anymore." When I asked her what I've done to deserve this, she replied "I cared about you. And I was in love with you" after a pause she continued fast "as a friend." “I’m really over you.” I started crying, she wiped my tears and hugged me. What I knew only was she protected me from cops and university disciplinary hearing but to my boy friends talk crap. Problem- After a year of NC We’d talk on/off. We’re back to the country we stay in. I eventually dropped out and she left after the first semester. . Once I reached out to warn her about some guy who wanted to hurt her, and she trusted me to “take care of it.” She confessed and apologized for all the hurt she had caused me; and now knew the truth that I wasn’t bad and never meant to hurt her. She said she missed me and thought about us getting back but it’s not a good idea to see each other and we ceased contact. Some time later I was in the psych ward and let her know. She came to visit me but brought some guy with her, and brought my “favorite food”. However as I was unstable they restricted access to family only and she couldn’t enter, she dropped the food and said she’ll see me next time and that I’ll be okay and she isn’t afraid of me. 3 months ago, We started talking again when she reached out to me randomly. Called me and said “her friend was being sexually harassed at work.” At the time I was staying at a hotel with a guy friend and later I moved in my own place alone. Then she’d call me and check on me and we’d talk for hours. She used to tell me what her new bf does for her and I was genuinely happy. But when she sent me a pic of him, I figured it was a catfish. Some local talent in a different country that doesn’t even know her and she’s using his photos. Then she started dissing him and said she broke up with him after 9 months as he’s cheating and whatnot. She also said “I’m sorry I don’t want to use you but can I call you before I sleep, I used to do that with my bf.” (And with me in the past) . She’d sometimes send a video of her sexy dancing with no context. Even asked me to help her edit her boobs in one of her photo sessions. Another time on call she said Thankyou for helping me I’ll do whatever you want. She said “a kiss or a hug maybe?” I laughed and said what makes her think I’m dying for her hugs and when I asked if she ever cuddled with anyone after me, she said no and not even with her BF. She’d sometimes compare me to him say how my gifts to her were so important, and sent me a photo of her wearing the necklace I gave her because it “reminds me of you” When I asked what are we now? She avoided it for some time. Then She said she didn’t want to break my heart and she’s thought about it but we can’t be friends. However she said she’d always be there when I need her. I’ve been sober off drugs for a year and alcohol for 4 months. Now I am working on my mental illness with medication & therapy and even got a job in sales. I’m the best I could be. And I admit I was so toxic in the past with years of unresolved trauma She said she wants to come see my at my flat after quarantine. The truth is I feel chemistry with her and I think i feel something intense for her. But I don’t want to pursue a relationship or Anything. I’m Western and Christian, she’s Arab and Muslim. I don’t even want to confess. I just want to be her friend and get over those feelings. I don’t know what she feels and I don’t know what to do. Last thing: she’s kept in touch with my childhood best friend via phone and they only talk about me. But she never mentioned anything about our “closeness” ever. She’d talk about everything else and our problems but never that. I just want to know what should I do and what do you think she feels? My judgement isn’t very clear at the moment.(I’m a girl too.)
preraph Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 If you ever intend to have a romantic relationship of any seriousness with another woman, you have got to cut this one lose because no one's going to put up with her and she is going to cause big problems because she has a mouth on her. Also I'm afraid she's going to trigger you. She said it was very chaotic. You're trying to get on an even keel, so not the time to have someone this chaotic around. 1
Author Smackie98 Posted May 29, 2020 Author Posted May 29, 2020 My problem isn’t dating. It’s what to do about her and idk what she feels and idk what I feel
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 5 hours ago, Smackie98 said: My problem isn’t dating. It’s what to do about her and idk what she feels and idk what I feel She kicks you and bites you and says she wants you to die. She's a cheater, she snuck you into her room while dating another guy. Please just cut her loose. You're going to wind up with a bunny on your stove.
elaine567 Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 You have now got yourself sorted out after no doubt a long hard road, so stay away from her completely. is my advice.
Legatus Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 I didn't like where this was going the moment she asked you for a kiss and you did it anyway even though you were apprehensive about it. She got you. Looks like you managed to create some kind of dependency on her and that's why you still crave her. Any possibility is already making you have thousand thoughts how this could play out. The most important and difficult thing for you to understand is that nobody knows how she feels. It's clear that she has her own problems and likes playing games, whether it's malicious or subconscious that's a different problem. Take a step back, look at all the moments you had together. Were the good ones so spectacular you doubt you would find it with somebody else? Probably not. Were the bad ones really bad that should wave red flags all over your face? I reckon so. I think because of how she managed to string you along you stopped noticing the bad and focused on the little positives you got from her to keep you going. My advice is, remember the bad moments. Those are very important lessons we get from life. Our mistakes are our best teachers. The confusion might stem from those good memories you hold on to and that's completely fine! Just remember that you've spent a lot of time getting yourself back on your feet again. Dedicate this time to making yourself even better and happier but without the drama of her. 1
Author Smackie98 Posted May 29, 2020 Author Posted May 29, 2020 7 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: She kicks you and bites you and says she wants you to die. She's a cheater, she snuck you into her room while dating another guy. Please just cut her loose. You're going to wind up with a bunny on your stove. So she’s a bad person?
preraph Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 If she actually bites you, you know you can get a restraining order, and you should, unless you can just pack up and move and not let her know where to and then block her every way imaginable.
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Smackie98 said: So she’s a bad person? Does it matter what label to give her? Do you know what I mean? She kicks you, she hurts you, she is unstable. Bad things could happen from here. Worse things, because people who get physical often only get worse over time, unless they're addressing that issue. And even then it can be hard to control if it's the caliber you're talking about. Biting, etc. is not standard even for someone with a very very hot temper. Just being physical at all isn't okay, that takes it to another level. Does it matter what strangers on the internet call her, good, bad, etc.? You could really get hurt. Really really hurt. This ISN'T typical behavior any way you look at it and you're not safe. 1
smackie9 Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 Move on girl and discover love with someone else who is kind and caring....treats you the way you want to be treated...to feel joy and happiness.
Author Smackie98 Posted May 29, 2020 Author Posted May 29, 2020 15 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Does it matter what label to give her? Do you know what I mean? She kicks you, she hurts you, she is unstable. Bad things could happen from here. Worse things, because people who get physical often only get worse over time, unless they're addressing that issue. And even then it can be hard to control if it's the caliber you're talking about. Biting, etc. is not standard even for someone with a very very hot temper. Just being physical at all isn't okay, that takes it to another level. Does it matter what strangers on the internet call her, good, bad, etc.? You could really get hurt. Really really hurt. This ISN'T typical behavior any way you look at it and you're not safe. I mean I had hurt her too and I felt really bad for it. So I guess I should end it with her? She did come back after all this time and I’m so confused I don’t even know what I feel
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Smackie98 said: I mean I had hurt her too and I felt really bad for it. So I guess I should end it with her? She did come back after all this time and I’m so confused I don’t even know what I feel Is that the person you want to be? A person who hurts other people? Where's the confusion? I'm not trying to be dismissive but when it comes to the point you're describing, which is actually physically dangerous and is very violent, *as a couple* you guys seem to just add fuel to one another's flame. You seem to be your worst with her and vice versa. Why keep questioning it when you know you have to leave? Or if you decide to stay, you need to own it. You can't give this decision to strangers, you know how violent this all is. If you decide to stay that's you deciding to stay (or leave). Own it, that will make you face this. Otherwise you're kind of just dodging the reality, IMO. Because if someone, a human being is biting another person and that person is still saying "I'm confused, maybe I should stay" then that person is not acknowledging the true horror that this association is. Pretend your mom came to you to tell her her boyfriend sometimes kicks and bites her and tells her he wishes she would die. She says she hurt him too, though. They tend to beat eachother up. Both will kick eachother and so on. Now he's back, so should she be his girlfriend? What would your advice be? Edited May 29, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl
Author Smackie98 Posted May 29, 2020 Author Posted May 29, 2020 I agree. But the biting was a long time ago and I did try to strangle her. I was surprised she came back after all this time and it’s hard for me to block her
Author Smackie98 Posted May 29, 2020 Author Posted May 29, 2020 I just wanted to know what her intentions are. If they’re bad or good
Miss Spider Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) Haha I thought this was a different smackie real quick and was like whoa girl what about your husband xD different smackie I feel like this relationship is too toxic. It’s not a true friendship and isn’t going to be a relationship, so you’re basically going to be in a limbo or anxiety and uncertainty about each other, most likely end up hurting each other again Edited May 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Author Smackie98 Posted May 29, 2020 Author Posted May 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said: Haha I thought this was a different smackie real quick and was like whoa girl what about your husband xD different smackie I feel like this relationship is too toxic. It’s not a true friendship and isn’t going to be a relationship, so you’re basically going to be in a limbo or anxiety and uncertainty about each other, most likely end up hurting each other again It’s just I don’t know if she liked me back or knew I liked her and led me on , I could use the clarity
DKT3 Posted May 30, 2020 Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: She kicks you and bites you and says she wants you to die. She's a cheater, she snuck you into her room while dating another guy. Please just cut her loose. You're going to wind up with a bunny on your stove. I'm not sure how many get the references anymore....man those damn bunny boilers. Toxic relationships usually happen with toxic people. If you truly wanted to be done with her you would be. Edited May 30, 2020 by DKT3 2
Fox Sake Posted May 30, 2020 Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, Smackie98 said: I agree. But the biting was a long time ago and I did try to strangle her. I feel bad for laughing at this comment! I Don’t support any physical harm to a partner but the two of you sound like dynamite together. You’ll end up putting each other in jail! Edited May 30, 2020 by Fox Sake
preraph Posted May 30, 2020 Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) I'm not sure someone that messed up even has the capability for love or knows what they want or what they're doing beyond the moment. You need to be in AA following their rules at this point and stop obsessing over this. Edited May 30, 2020 by preraph
manfrombelow Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 Can someone PLEASE give me a TL;DR version of this wall of text so I can give OP some insights / advices?
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 25 minutes ago, manfrombelow said: Can someone PLEASE give me a TL;DR version of this wall of text so I can give OP some insights / advices? Sure. She cheated on her boyfriend with this guy, sort of. A lot of sneaking into rooms and stuff. then text text text text text that I skimmed over, And then she kicked him, but him and told him she wished he would die, and he tried to strangle her. But now she's back. Should be ask her out again? Or else I guess just skim. I probably missed some details but those seriously stuck out for me. 1
manfrombelow Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 Just now, CaliforniaGirl said: Sure. She cheated on her boyfriend with this guy, sort of. A lot of sneaking into rooms and stuff. then text text text text text that I skimmed over, And then she kicked him, but him and told him she wished he would die, and he tried to strangle her. But now she's back. Should be ask her out again? Or else I guess just skim. I probably missed some details but those seriously stuck out for me. Big thanks @CaliforniaGirl I hope people realize the significance of avoiding "wall-of-texts" when they are in need of other people's advices. But this is another story. So this guy's girl cheated on him with another guy and now she wants to get back to him? Personally, I would not. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 3, 2020 Posted June 3, 2020 Just now, manfrombelow said: Big thanks @CaliforniaGirl I hope people realize the significance of avoiding "wall-of-texts" when they are in need of other people's advices. But this is another story. So this guy's girl cheated on him with another guy and now she wants to get back to him? Personally, I would not. No, sorry, she cheated on the other guy with this guy...then these two (the girl and this guy) were going out but she kept occasionally telling him she felt nothing for him, she bit him, kicked him around, he attempted to strangle her, he cut his wrists, they kept reconnecting, and now he wants to know if she still likes him. Not making this up, there's lots more but that's the gist. somebody in this partnership is going to wind up dead. I agree with you on the hard pass but my reasoning is, no joke, they WILL kill one another.
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