When and how to ask her about her divorce?

[snowcones]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Hahaha. It's totally cool. I'll find it. Thanks And yeah, I'm obsessed with TED talks relationship and behavioral psychology stuff...really just all of it. Very insightful

I recommend checking out Esther Perel then.

[SumGuy]

On 5/28/2020 at 8:57 PM, max3732 said:

Is the default that by the time you get to your late 30's you would have found the right person to marry? It doesn't seem like it's that hard to explain that I haven't found the right woman yet.

That’s the explanation.

Flip side is perfectly good people get divorced because they thought they found the right person but were very wrong. 

Just like a bunch of negative images may run through your head re divorce, the same for why never married.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

Flip side is perfectly good people get divorced because they thought they found the right person but were very wrong. 

Or maybe they were the right person at that time, but the wrong person now.

Couples can grow and change, sometimes (ideally) together, sometimes (sadly) separately.

The right person now, becomes the wrong person later.

Edited June 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, I bet the secret reason you broke up with this woman ties into why you're struggling to meet women now. You don't have to tell us. But you might want to think about what that woman said. 

Is there any chance you're comfortable calling that ex up on the phone. Man, you do need some tips from a woman, some real guidance. And absent going to therapy, I hate to say this, but probably what you need to hear to grow ... will be difficult and perhaps painful and embarrassing. 

Have people accused you of being awkward? 

Great suggestion to develop friendships with women. Question: are you friends with any guys you see regularly? ... Card games? Sports game? Occasional bar meeting or dinner or lunch? I'm sensing that you're isolated. 

[max3732]

12 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, I bet the secret reason you broke up with this woman ties into why you're struggling to meet women now. You don't have to tell us. But you might want to think about what that woman said. 

Is there any chance you're comfortable calling that ex up on the phone. Man, you do need some tips from a woman, some real guidance. And absent going to therapy, I hate to say this, but probably what you need to hear to grow ... will be difficult and perhaps painful and embarrassing. 

Have people accused you of being awkward? 

Great suggestion to develop friendships with women. Question: are you friends with any guys you see regularly? ... Card games? Sports game? Occasional bar meeting or dinner or lunch? I'm sensing that you're isolated. 

The only possible connection I can see between why I broke up with the women who wanted to marry me and my struggle to meet women now is values, but even that is a stretch. One of the hardest things I've ever done is break up with her because she kept telling me how much she loved me and sending me all kinds of sweet and custom made gifts and notes. We were always there for each other and she was pretty much what I always wanted and I'm trying to find something like that now.

What's funny is I logged into Facebook for the 1st time in probably a year since another woman I met that I was interested in but now lives in a different state was doing a virtual wedding and I saw that the woman who I dated and almost married just got married. I did see her a few years after the break up and she was very nice and her parents were with her and they even pulled me aside when and thanked me for being such a great boyfriend and said that she was really lucky that she dated a guy as great as me.

As far as being awkward, probably the strangest comment I've ever gotten was once when I was extremely nervous someone said I was acting like the nerdy brother from 2 and a half men. I know when I first start talking to a date on the phone or in person I tend to talk really fast and sometimes stammer a bit, but that goes away after about 30 seconds. Other than that everyone I've met says I'm very friendly, happy, sociable guy.

I haven't seen anyone since the Coronavirus, but before that I play on a men's sports group and a card group. I also spend a lot of time with my parents. So I'm not exactly isolated except for the giant vacuum of not dealing with women. I guess I work remotely with several women but they're all much older and married. Everything is very professional with them and I've never even seen them in person.

I think the fact that 40 is fast approaching (along with the fact that they made a movie about a 40 year old virgin) and seeing my last crush get married as well as sending out so many messages online that get ignored has created a bit of panic mode in me. I've been trying to meet someone for so long and I can't do it. 

 

[poppyfields]

40 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I've been trying to meet someone for so long and I can't do it. 

Which is why you're unable to meet "someone."  Your obsessive need, panic, desperation to find someone oozes out of every pore in your being, no matter how hard you try to disguise it. 

My question to you and for you to ask yourself is, what's missing inside yourself that results in this desperate, obsessive need to fill that empty void? 

That is what you should be focusing on, get into counseling or something if you need to because whatever is lacking inside yourself won't ever be filled by meeting "someone" to fill that void.

I can almost guarantee you that.

Also, your desperation to find someone seems to be fueled a lot by society's expectations not from a place of genuine desire within yourself.

Or if it is desire, it coming from a very unhealthy place.

What's wrong with being alone?  Many people willingly choose to be alone and/or are very happy being alone!  I have a bf but I am also quite happy being alone.  So are many many others. 

They have friends, family, successful careers, are active in the community;  they don't need "someone" to fill a void.

When/if they meet that special someone (most times without even trying) they need "that" person to enhance their already fulfilling life living alone. 

No disrespect max, but you seem very unaware of these nuances within yourself that are causing a block, preventing you from connecting.

Forget meeting "someone" for now, and start becoming emotionally self-aware.

Introspect, seek counseling.  Something. 

Cause what you are doing now is taking you no where except down a long road to never-never land. 

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh and couse JMO, but something worth exploring at the very least. 

 

Edited June 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

And to add max , please don't come back with "Oh, I'm very happy with myself and my life as is" because if that were the case, there would be no panic about finding "someone" and this thread wouldn't be as long as it is.  

Sorry. 

[max3732]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Which is why you're unable to meet "someone."  Your obsessive need, panic, desperation to find someone oozes out of every pore in your being, no matter how hard you try to disguise it. 

My question to you and for you to ask yourself is, what's missing inside yourself that results in this desperate, obsessive need to fill that empty void? 

That is what you should be focusing on, get into counseling or something if you need to because whatever is lacking inside yourself won't ever be filled by meeting "someone" to fill that void.

I can almost guarantee you that.

Also, your desperation to find someone seems to be fueled a lot by society's expectations not from a place of genuine desire within yourself.

Or if it is desire, it coming from a very unhealthy place.

What's wrong with being alone?  Many people willingly choose to be alone and/or are very happy being alone!  I have a bf but I am also quite happy being alone.  So are many many others. 

They have friends, family, successful careers, are active in the community;  they don't need "someone" to fill a void.

When/if they meet that special someone (most times without even trying) they need "that" person to enhance their already fulfilling life living alone. 

No disrespect max, but you seem very unaware of these nuances within yourself that are causing a block, preventing you from connecting.

Forget meeting "someone" for now, and start becoming emotionally self-aware.

Introspect, seek counseling.  Something. 

Cause what you are doing now is taking you no where except down a long road to never-never land. 

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh and couse JMO, but something worth exploring at the very least. 

 

Are you asking why I feel a void and want a girlfriend/wife and children?

I've got a fulfilling career, am athletic, have great friends, travel, etc and want to have someone to share my life with.

I am very happy being alone and when all my friends in high school were dating I was having fun playing video games, spending time with my family and friends, doing sports and extracurricular activities as well as just relaxing. 

While I still enjoy those things at some point I grew up and realized I want a girlfriend leading to wife and children. The older I get the harder that becomes. For that you think I need counseling?

 

[Ami1uwant]

On 5/31/2020 at 10:57 AM, max3732 said:

I live in the suburbs about 20 minutes from a minor city. I'm close to a popular biking/walking path where I'll often see attractive women, but like I mentioned before I don't know how to approach someone jogging by or biking in front or the opposite direction. 

What organizations, social groups, sports clubs, or church would have white single women in their 30s? I tried going to a church and all the women around my age were already married. I tried taking a photography class as well as a cooking class and it was all older married women. I play in a sports league that's all men and tried doing a mixed league and it was the same thing... older married women.

My only possible link is I met someone with OLD that I wasn't interested in dating, but she plays tennis too and has invited me to mixed doubles and to play singles with her. So maybe she has a friend that might be single? I can't don't like the idea of using her to meet someone else.

When I go on Tinder it's like 75% "are you a lonely guy looking for an attractive women. Message me on snapchat" or "I keep all my private photos on ... email me at xyz..," just scam after scam. Even Hinge has had a lot of prostitutes lately.

Plus on a lot of these apps there are these women with nose rings, purple hair, tattoos all over, that smoke cigarettes or use marijuana, or are on drugs. Not exactly the pillars of society here. With Bumble I see a lot of great women, but I swipe right and get nothing. Both women I went on multiple dates recently I met on Bumble but I've been striking out there lately. I don't know if there are fake or old profiles or what.

I was going to spend the money on a professional matchmaker, but I've read that a lot of those are scams.

 

Do you have a dog? Dog park could be a chance on meeting people.  

Tennis girl..shook at it as a networking opportunity

 

if the trail is popular it’s a possibility but you can run into families and couples.  If there is a volunteer group around this park us an opportunity.

 

with any volunteering you need to do it if you want yo do it..not using it to meet peop,e.

 

are you living in the wrong area given your political bliefsbeliefs

 

[poppyfields]

No max, wanting a partner is fine.  Needing, obsessing and feeling panicked (your word) about finding a partner is not fine imo and suggests something deeper within you that warrants addressing.

If you don't think so, then carry on max.

Best of luck.

 

Edited June 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[max3732]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

No max, wanting a partner is fine.  Needing, obsessing and feeling panicked (your word) about finding a partner is not fine imo and suggests something deeper within you that warrants addressing.

If you don't think so, then carry on max.

Best of luck.

 

I don't know how I come across on dates since I don't get any feedback other than yes or no to the next date. My last 2 1st dates ended up getting to 2nd and 3rd so I can't be too awful, right?

What I'd like to do is get rid of that awkwardness I've felt when I first meet someone, especially with speed dating where I only have like 5 minutes.

I do feel panicked due to my age and the possibility of finding someone close to my age to start a family with keeps shrinking. Some places will have speed dating or other events and they have an age range.

During my life I've gone through different priorities, whether that's winning the spelling bee, performing well at a concert, or starting my own company. Right now that focus and attention is on finding someone to marry and have children with and I feel like I'm flailing since I don't know how to do it.

With sports, school, or work I usually know what to work on and what to do and get feedback. With dating I send out message after message and have no idea why I don't get one back. Is it a fake account, was it my message, pictures, profile, etc. I actually get to meet or talk to very few women and then if things don't work out I usually don't get any kind of feedback. 

Right now I'm trying to get better at pull ups so I have a game-plan for how to increase them. There's no equivalent for dating.

[max3732]

35 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

Do you have a dog? Dog park could be a chance on meeting people.  

Tennis girl..shook at it as a networking opportunity

 

if the trail is popular it’s a possibility but you can run into families and couples.  If there is a volunteer group around this park us an opportunity.

 

with any volunteering you need to do it if you want yo do it..not using it to meet peop,e.

 

are you living in the wrong area given your political bliefsbeliefs

 

No dog.

The tennis girl just asked me to play a few weeks ago and I couldn't do it then. 

I live where I do to be close to my family so I can't move. My political beliefs are definitely in the minority, but there is still a sizable number in my party too. I just can't find any women my age! I wish there was a dating app for political beliefs.

[poppyfields]

No one said anything about you being "awful," or even the women you date thinking you're awful, where did that come from?  

max, are you okay?  You seem to be missing the entire point.

You care too much about what women think of you, forget about that.

Look within to determine why YOU are unable to connect, why you have this block.  

This is about you, not the women you meet.

Fix you, and the women will come.

That is why I suggested counseling.

No one, especially a good looking man with so much going for him such as yourself, is this unsuccessful at dating unless there are some internal issues at play.

Perhaps a fear of some sort, or anxiety.  You might not even be consciously aware of, but it's something max.  

And if you don't at least consider the possibility, you will never be able to connect with any woman.

Sorry.

Edited June 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[balletomane]

I agree that you should look into therapy or counselling for yourself, Max. It's not a bad or shameful thing to need and it doesn't mean there's anything awful about you. I certainly don't consider myself an awful person, but I wouldn't be capable of dating today if it weren't for therapy. I was in an abusive relationship that left me frozen with horror at the prospect of being that close to someone again, so for four years I didn't date at all. This wasn't because there was anything 'wrong' with me; my reaction was perfectly logical given the trauma I'd been through. But I didn't want that trauma to make my choices for me for the rest of my life, so I found a therapist who could help me alter my perspective. It has really helped.

You mention that you became frightened of women because of something that happened to your friend in 5th grade. I expect many of us have humiliating memories of school. Kids can be cruel to each other at times. But most people aren't affected by those difficult school events in their adult lives. It sounds as if the past has an unusually strong hold on you, which is another thing a good counsellor is trained to help with.

Finally, try not to compare yourself to others (married friends, etc). My sister got married at 24, my brother at 28. Unlike me, the quiet shy one of the family who was laser-focused on studying, they always had plenty of dates. But their marriages ended in divorce. Just because other people seem to find partners easily doesn't mean that their relationships will be a permanent success. There are happy single people and unhappy couples, and every situation in life has its risks as well as its joys.

[manfrombelow]

On 5/28/2020 at 10:52 PM, max3732 said:

Something I used to have as a deal breaker was that I wanted someone who has never been married, but I'm kind of leaning 75% towards requiring that. I'm starting to think that it might still be possible depending on why she got divorced. 

The reason I'm asking now is that someone messaged me on Match and we exchanged a few messages and then she updated her profile and put she has been divorced. When I first checked it she had it blank.

Our conversation's been going pretty well, but I'd like to ask her about it at some point. If she has a crazy ex out there or she got divorced because her husband caught her cheating on him or something like that I'd like to know. It just seems like dating someone divorced adds a lot more questions.

1. ALL you need to know, is the FACT that she did divorce. No more, no less. To "ask" her about such a personal and private matter is to make unnecessary drama.

2. The bold part is equal to not going to the bank due to the risk of being taken hostage in a bank robbery. Relax. You are not going to marry her. Your job now is to set the 1st date with her. Hang out, have fun and make sex happen. Who cares why she divorced? 

[max3732]

7 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

1. ALL you need to know, is the FACT that she did divorce. No more, no less. To "ask" her about such a personal and private matter is to make unnecessary drama.

2. The bold part is equal to not going to the bank due to the risk of being taken hostage in a bank robbery. Relax. You are not going to marry her. Your job now is to set the 1st date with her. Hang out, have fun and make sex happen. Who cares why she divorced? 

In giving it some additional thought and thinking about the responses here I don't think I need to ask until a bit further down the road 

[max3732]

20 hours ago, poppyfields said:

No one said anything about you being "awful," or even the women you date thinking you're awful, where did that come from?  

max, are you okay?  You seem to be missing the entire point.

You care too much about what women think of you, forget about that.

Look within to determine why YOU are unable to connect, why you have this block.  

This is about you, not the women you meet.

Fix you, and the women will come.

That is why I suggested counseling.

No one, especially a good looking man with so much going for him such as yourself, is this unsuccessful at dating unless there are some internal issues at play.

Perhaps a fear of some sort, or anxiety.  You might not even be consciously aware of, but it's something max.  

And if you don't at least consider the possibility, you will never be able to connect with any woman.

Sorry.

My big issue hasn't been with women I've met in person and had a chance to get to know. While I was dating the one in grad school I found out that many others were interested in me and disappointed I'd started dating someone else. I also asked and went out with multiple women since grad school, but as I've posted here before my issue is how to move from an activity or dinner or whatever to something romantic. That was what I've struggled with for years since I was never in the position and was so afraid of offending women.

How will therapy help with that? What I'd really like would be if I had a woman who was just a friend that I practice with. Like I could try to practice flirting, or how to touch her in safe areas or go for a kiss (but not actually kiss her). What would also help would be if I had a dating coach who could analyze my interactions with women or look at my profile/messages and tell me what I'm doing wrong.

My track record when meeting women in person recently hasn't been that bad. I had 2 women I met for 3+ dates in a row.

Where I'm unsuccessful at dating is online. I just found another match who is the same as me politically, has similar interests, and says she's looking for the same thing and even talked about the same values I have. I messaged her last night and haven't heard back yet. I bet if she were someone I saw all the time in class, work, or some social event that we'd get along and I'd be able to ask her out and she'd say yes. Yet with OLD apparently she will get 500+ messages every day and unless I send her something worthy of Shakespeare she won't reply. At least she looked at my profile. I tired a different opening message and will send her a 2nd one in a week or so if I don't hear from her by then.

I already know that I get anxious with women that are what I'm looking for since they're so hard to come by. My performance got better once I told myself to just have fun and not put so much pressure on myself. Hence the 2 women I kissed and had multiple dates with in a row. I'm also talking so someone from OLD on the phone and have plans to meet when possible.

If I could just find someone I like in person and have some interactions with her I know I'd do better than with OLD. It's just the only place I ever saw women was the grocery store and I never knew what to say. I posted about that and a lot of people said to not bother women there.

[Miss Spider]

Max, you need to do some research about how to escalate physically/get your flirt on. Please don't take this the wrong way, but something I noticed about you pretty early on is how modest/proper you come off. I know writing can be different, but you've also said you're a virgin. I just feel like you're not good at flirting and don't want to make any inappropriate moves. You are probably an attractive guy despite this and maybe even BECAUSE of this to some women. In hs/college most of my crushes from afar were guys who seemed sexless, cerebral loners. They seem "hard to get" and it's attractive, until you are on a date with them and it's like they have no idea to operate around you or they are not showing enough interest physically or it's just not fun. Lots of women do not want guys with 0 sexuality to them. It's not attractive. Look into, insofar as you can,  changing the disconnect between your body and your mind. I did this as well. Baby steps. I USED TO BE TOO IN MY HEAD TO FLIRT. I used to be scared to show interest as more than friends in guys. I was scared I'd come off like a tart.  Well, I missed a lot of opportunities that I now regret. Something to consider.

Edited June 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[max3732]

37 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Max, you need to do some research about how to escalate physically/get your flirt on. Please don't take this the wrong way, but something I noticed about you pretty early on is how modest/proper you come off. I know writing can be different, but you've also said you're a virgin. I just feel like you're not good at flirting and don't want to make any inappropriate moves. You are probably an attractive guy despite this and maybe even BECAUSE of this to some women. In hs/college most of my crushes from afar were guys who seemed sexless, cerebral loners. They seem "hard to get" and it's attractive, until you are on a date with them and it's like they have no idea to operate around you or they are not showing enough interest physically or it's just not fun. Lots of women do not want guys with 0 sexuality to them. It's not attractive. Look into, insofar as you can,  changing the disconnect between your body and your mind. I did this as well. Baby steps. I USED TO BE TOO IN MY HEAD TO FLIRT. I used to be scared to show interest as more than friends in guys. I was scared I'd come off like a tart.  Well, I missed a lot of opportunities that I now regret. Something to consider.

You hit the nail right on the head! That's what I've been trying to work on for a while. When I saw the former highs school classmate in the profile that I'm thinking about messaging I remembered I had a chance to kiss her back in high school and may have liked me but I was too afraid of making a fool out of myself and ruining the friendship.

With women I feel like there are so many mixed messages about what to say or do and how to act. Like if I'm on a date and I compliment her appearance she'll think I only care about her body or if she's really attractive she gets that all the time so I'm not standing out and she'll think I'm putting her on a pedestal. Based on that for the longest time I never complimented a woman's appearance. Recently though I've been saying things like "that's a really pretty necklace. It really brings out your eyes" or something like that. 

The usual advice is to do innocent touches and then escalate it, but I just don't normally touch people say reaching out and touching someone for the 1st time is tough for me. That said as I've mentioned I've gotten better at it recently and just wish I could practice it. Hopefully this quarantine won't hurt my ability to do it again.

There is a huge disconnect between my body and mind. If I like someone I'd really like to hold her hand as we're walking and of course would love to touch her all over. It just feels strange to attempt that when we're out in public and I know I have to build up to that. How would you suggest to show interest physically? Aside from being a virgin I've never seen a naked woman in person or even touched a boob before. I was really hoping to be able to get to that point before I'm 40. 

[Ami1uwant]

On 6/1/2020 at 6:19 PM, max3732 said:

No dog.

The tennis girl just asked me to play a few weeks ago and I couldn't do it then. 

I live where I do to be close to my family so I can't move. My political beliefs are definitely in the minority, but there is still a sizable number in my party too. I just can't find any women my age! I wish there was a dating app for political beliefs.

 

Many OLD sites/apps have political viewpoint options you can filter on.

[Yosemite]

6 hours ago, max3732 said:

How would you suggest to show interest physically? Aside from being a virgin I've never seen a naked woman in person or even touched a boob before. I was really hoping to be able to get to that point before I'm 40. 

Why did you remain a virgin during your 2 year long relationship when you were 28? Were you waiting for marriage? If so, why didn't you propose?

You said that she asked you to do something that was against the core of your value system...was that having premarital sex? Do you still plan on waiting until marriage if you get into a relationship now? 

Edited June 3, 2020 by Yosemite

[max3732]

11 hours ago, Yosemite said:

Why did you remain a virgin during your 2 year long relationship when you were 28? Were you waiting for marriage? If so, why didn't you propose?

You said that she asked you to do something that was against the core of your value system...was that having premarital sex? Do you still plan on waiting until marriage if you get into a relationship now? 

I remained a virgin since both of us wanted to wait until marriage.What she wanted me to change had to do with values, but it wasn't something you do one time. It was something that would have impacted our daily lives.

As far as waiting until marriage. That would be ideal, but as I'm getting older that's getting to be less important. I almost feel like I'll cross the bridge when I get to it since I haven't come anywhere close in 10 years. 

[Blind-Sided]

On ‎6‎/‎1‎/‎2020 at 6:15 PM, max3732 said:

I do feel panicked due to my age and the possibility of finding someone close to my age to start a family with keeps shrinking.

Max... there is some truth to this... but the majority of the women I have met since my divorce, were perfectly fine with trying to start a family up to their 40th birthday.  I know you have been targeting girls in their mid 30's... but how old are you?

The other side to this is... even if you find a nice girl to settle down with... are you sure you want to start a "Family" if you are +40?   Just think... if you are in that age range... you will be at retirement age when they are getting ready to graduate college.  I know with my exW... she was kind of an accident, and was born when her folks were older.  She told me several times that she was kind of embarrassed when friends in HS thought her grandparents were coming to pick her up.  Even in my own life... my second kid was born when I was late 30's... and now I'm gray, and am starting to feel "Physically" old and I have a 9yo I'm trying to keep up with.

On ‎6‎/‎1‎/‎2020 at 6:19 PM, max3732 said:

 My political beliefs are definitely in the minority, but there is still a sizable number in my party too. I just can't find any women my age! I wish there was a dating app for political beliefs.

This is just DUMB !!!!!!!!!  don't talk politics !   And don't let that dictate a relationship.  My best friend from college is far left... and I'm not.   Years ago... we both decided to never talk politics again, and we are still best friends.  The thing is... people's beliefs change, and just because you are aligned politically now, doesn't mean you will be 2, 5, 10 years from now.  To me... as long as they aren't too far to one side or another... then it doesn't mater. (where they are protesting even minor things)   This should also be taken off your "List".

On ‎6‎/‎1‎/‎2020 at 6:23 PM, poppyfields said:

1) You seem to be missing the entire point.  You care too much about what women think of you, forget about that.

2) Fix you, and the women will come.

1) He has been ignoring the point for a long time.  We have been trying to help, but he continues to follow the voice in his head.   And it's not what the "He cares too much of what they think"... it's that he has a list of "Must haves" in his potential partner that makes the pool of girls almost impossible to get.  He's looking for a unicorn. (Sorry Max... just saying it the way I see it)

2) Bingo !!!!    Max... this is correct. have confidence, and throw that list away !!  Pic the top 2 things you need, and go have fun.  When you do this... you will find someone who you can connect with.

Max... I really do wish you the best... but to find happiness... you need to open your options.  If you want kids... great... make that a priority in a partner... but politics, virgin, never married.... toss those out, and go have fun.

Edited June 4, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[max3732]

3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Max... there is some truth to this... but the majority of the women I have met since my divorce, were perfectly fine with trying to start a family up to their 40th birthday.  I know you have been targeting girls in their mid 30's... but how old are you?

The other side to this is... even if you find a nice girl to settle down with... are you sure you want to start a "Family" if you are +40?   Just think... if you are in that age range... you will be at retirement age when they are getting ready to graduate college.  I know with my exW... she was kind of an accident, and was born when her folks were older.  She told me several times that she was kind of embarrassed when friends in HS thought her grandparents were coming to pick her up.  Even in my own life... my second kid was born when I was late 30's... and now I'm gray, and am starting to feel "Physically" old and I have a 9yo I'm trying to keep up with.

This is just DUMB !!!!!!!!!  don't talk politics !   And don't let that dictate a relationship.  My best friend from college is far left... and I'm not.   Years ago... we both decided to never talk politics again, and we are still best friends.  The thing is... people's beliefs change, and just because you are aligned politically now, doesn't mean you will be 2, 5, 10 years from now.  To me... as long as they aren't too far to one side or another... then it doesn't mater. (where they are protesting even minor things)   This should also be taken off your "List".

1) He has been ignoring the point for a long time.  We have been trying to help, but he continues to follow the voice in his head.   And it's not what the "He cares too much of what they think"... it's that he has a list of "Must haves" in his potential partner that makes the pool of girls almost impossible to get.  He's looking for a unicorn. (Sorry Max... just saying it the way I see it)

2) Bingo !!!!    Max... this is correct. have confidence, and throw that list away !!  Pic the top 2 things you need, and go have fun.  When you do this... you will find someone who you can connect with.

Max... I really do wish you the best... but to find happiness... you need to open your options.  If you want kids... great... make that a priority in a partner... but politics, virgin, never married.... toss those out, and go have fun.

I'm nearly 40. Lets say 1 or 2 years away.

Yes I do want to start a family regardless of my age.

The thing with politics is I've found that people on the other side are extremely intolerant and nasty to people that think like me. I can't tell you how many profiles say if you voted X then FU or swipe left if you don't believe Y. My aunt and uncle are both on the other side politically and my uncle forbid my cousin from marrying someone because he dared to think the way I do. I don't see how I can be married or spend time with someone who has such a fundamental way of looking at the world. How would that work with raising a family and raising them? If she's not an extremist or had views on things that didn't matter to day to day life I could see it working, otherwise I don't see how it would work.

Basically I agree with Ben Shapiro here in that interests come after values:

https://youtu.be/pUylteI3ezY?t=49

I would agree with you about a list of "must haves" if they were superficial things like "she must play the same sports" or "she must like the same TV shows" or things like that. What things in my "must haves" would you say I can easily take off? 

No to: smoking, drug use, marijuana, vaping, tattoos, piercings other than ears, existing children, non-white, into open marriages, cursing, extremely overweight, rude to people in general

Yes to: any height, education, most body types kindness, empathy, interesting hobbies, good with children, close to family, travel, restaurants, active, likes animals, same basic values

Basically I want someone wholesome that I can love who will be a great mother and wife. Is that so unreasonable that I will need to settle in order to find someone? I've found profiles with OLD that look like what I want but don't get any messages back. 

What's helped me what I'm actually able to talk to a real woman is to stop trying to make them like me and try to have fun and see if they're someone that I will like. My recent track record in person has improved dramatically when I took that approach so that's great advice.

Honestly I've been "looking inside myself" for the past 10 years. I don't know what else to do. Even if I were James Bond as far as confidence or whoever else women find attractive how would that help when I never meet any women?

I've been trying different pictures with OLD, changed my bio up, nothing.

I've even tossed out virgin and never married and still nothing.

That's why I think there's got to be something else I can do with my pictures, bio, or opening message.

Other than that I'm open to suggestions on what to do.

 

 

[Blind-Sided]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

1) The thing with politics is I've found that people on the other side are extremely intolerant and nasty to people that think like me.

2) Basically I agree with Ben Shapiro here in that interests come after values:

3) I would agree with you about a list of "must haves" if they were superficial things like "she must play the same sports" or "she must like the same TV shows" or things like that. What things in my "must haves" would you say I can easily take off? 

No to: smoking, drug use, marijuana, vaping, tattoos, piercings other than ears, existing children, non-white, into open marriages, cursing, extremely overweight, rude to people in general

Yes to: any height, education, most body types kindness, empathy, interesting hobbies, good with children, close to family, travel, restaurants, active, likes animals, same basic values

Basically I want someone wholesome that I can love who will be a great mother and wife. Is that so unreasonable that I will need to settle in order to find someone? I've found profiles with OLD that look like what I want but don't get any messages back. 

What's helped me what I'm actually able to talk to a real woman is to stop trying to make them like me and try to have fun and see if they're someone that I will like. My recent track record in person has improved dramatically when I took that approach so that's great advice.

Honestly I've been "looking inside myself" for the past 10 years. I don't know what else to do. Even if I were James Bond as far as confidence or whoever else women find attractive how would that help when I never meet any women?

I've been trying different pictures with OLD, changed my bio up, nothing.

I've even tossed out virgin and never married and still nothing.

That's why I think there's got to be something else I can do with my pictures, bio, or opening message.

Other than that I'm open to suggestions on what to do.

1) Sure... absolutely.  But that's why I said "Too far to one side or the other."  But if you are a Republican... and a girl you like is a Dem... but she's not fanatical... and you aren't a flag waving trump supporter... then it can work just fine.  The exW and I were on different sides of the fence... but neither was so crazy that we wouldn't at least listen to what the other side had to say. 

2) I like Ben too. And he has good morals.

3) Honestly... liking the same sports and hobbies to a certain level isn't good.   You will eventually want some "ME" time, and having differ hobbies will give you that.   At first... it seems fun... but eventually... it won't be.  For example... my current GF wants to see some of my hobbies.  I fly model aircraft.  So the park I go to has a nice running trail, and she is a runner.  So... she can come and watch for a while... and then go on a run.  But we get to drive up and back and talk about the day.  So it's sharing, and separate.

As far as trimming the list... I agree with smoking and drugs.  No reason to get timed up with that. But maybe consider tattoos.  I personally don't have any, but many of the people in my family do.  Including my 72 year old mother, who is a "Norman Rockwell" iconic grandmother.  She is proper, and has great morals... but she has a huge tattoo on her back. So... if they small, and/or can be covered with normal clothing... then why would you let that stop you?  A tattoo isn't a reflection of the person.  But, I would agree that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who is ink'ed up on her face, neck, hands... so on.

A point on piercings to consider....  a small nose piercing is acceptable in a lot of cultures.  But you are right... statement piercings aren't for me either. (Cheek, eyebrow, nipples, so-on)

As we already talked about... you should be lightly open to them having a kid.  You may find a sweet, loving girl who is divorced, and has a kid. That's totally your call... but I do understand.  I wouldn't have my current GF if she didn't change her mind on that point.  She wasn't looking to date a guy with kids... but she has grown to like my kids... and we are happy together.

The open marriage, rude and so forth... I get it.  That's just points of attraction, and being faithful.  But just because they have a kid already, or a few tattoos... doesn't mean they can't be a good mother and wife... Right? 

Hopefully someone else can chime in on the OLD points.  I went from my exW to "Dating" all in real life.