Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 9 minutes ago, kendahke said: Our argument is OP thinking he's entitled to know the why's of her divorce at less than a month with a few messages exchanged. All he needs to know right now is that she's divorced. The rest, should she decide she wants to pursue further, will be revealed then. Yes, perhaps too soon for the juicy details. But, I talk about this within the first days of communicating. So, for me, it has never been an issue. Most, in fact, provide details during the first few dates. My experience.
rjc149 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 11 minutes ago, max3732 said: I think she was asking me if I was religious and then she said she doesn't like religion because the books were written by men to control women and then went on some kind of rant about how evil men are and how unfairly women are treated around the world by men. You mentioned you're pushing 40, and these women were in their 20's -- are you sure they were taking the date seriously? My point remains the same: if a woman on a date is using you as an audience to vent her misanthropic rage, then she isn't interested in you romantically. Most likely. There are women who can't help themselves. And there are feminized social justice manginas who want to put these women on pedestals. 17 minutes ago, max3732 said: With the other one I found out her father left her and her mother when she was really young and he used to get very violent and abusive. She called him by his 1st name and clearly had issues with him that I think she took out on men in general. The template for all of a woman's lovers is her father. A bad relationship with her father will complicate her relationships with male lovers. And it's not something you can fix. You simply don't have serious relationships with daddy-hating women. 3
Ami1uwant Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 If you are looking at women 30 and older. They likely have Been married or had a serious/ live together relationshipl they possibly have kids. everyone has had relationships and have had good and bad things to say about their ex. 1
Ellener Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 I think date someone then deal with what shows up as it does. I don't want to hear about someone's past, or talk about mine, unless it comes up naturally as we talk. Otherwise it feels like an agenda! 2 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 There are plenty of reasons to unload regarding men and religion, but this woman sounds like she is hating life, in general. Ugh.
poppyfields Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 4 minutes ago, Ellener said: I think date someone then deal with what shows up as it does. I don't want to hear about someone's past, or talk about mine, unless it comes up naturally as we talk. Otherwise it feels like an agenda! Or a job interview. Yawn. 2
basil67 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 Going back to the original question: If she doesn't have kids with the ex, then it's highly unlikely he's in her life at all. 1
Miss Spider Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 wait until she brings it up only. Then you can ask questions if you need to. That’s how I’ve always done it
SumGuy Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 1 hour ago, max3732 said: Would just ask something like "noticed in your profile that you're divorced. Have you been divorced for a while" be ok early? It's a pretty common question, one that people who are divorced expect. You can tell a lot from the response. Be prepared though to answer the question why you have never been married given your age...two sides of the same coin really.
Author max3732 Posted May 29, 2020 Author Posted May 29, 2020 2 hours ago, basil67 said: Going back to the original question: If she doesn't have kids with the ex, then it's highly unlikely he's in her life at all. She put on her profile she doesn't have kids. If she lied about that then I don't want to have anything to do with her.
Author max3732 Posted May 29, 2020 Author Posted May 29, 2020 2 hours ago, SumGuy said: It's a pretty common question, one that people who are divorced expect. You can tell a lot from the response. Be prepared though to answer the question why you have never been married given your age...two sides of the same coin really. Is the default that by the time you get to your late 30's you would have found the right person to marry? It doesn't seem like it's that hard to explain that I haven't found the right woman yet.
rjc149 Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, max3732 said: Is the default that by the time you get to your late 30's you would have found the right person to marry? It doesn't seem like it's that hard to explain that I haven't found the right woman yet. No. The default age for finding the right woman is the age when you find the right woman. Just remember, the default result of marriage is unmet sexual needs, divorce, financial ruin, and heartbreak. Because too many people prioritize getting married over being with the right person. There's nothing wrong with not being default. Nothing wrong with enjoying the companionship of many great women in your life without needing to commit to just one. Nothing wrong with prioritizing your career and finances, your health and fitness, your friends and family, and serving a purpose in society other than being a husband or father. At least, that's what I tell myself Edited May 29, 2020 by rjc149
Ami1uwant Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 1 hour ago, max3732 said: Is the default that by the time you get to your late 30's you would have found the right person to marry? It doesn't seem like it's that hard to explain that I haven't found the right woman yet. You should learn about their past. If they cant talk about their past relations there is something hidden. similarly you need to explain why you haven’t gotten married and explain your relationship. Of course there is variations on this timeline based on where you live. Places like nyc, dc, that will skew older to marriage or looking to get married than in small towns where people get married off by 25.
Miss Spider Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) It’s a red flag if she doesn’t bring it up. You shouldn’t have to ask. And I don’t think that you should. If she doesn’t bring it up she either does not see you in her life very long or she is hiding something. Either or Edited May 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough
poppyfields Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) I am not a big fan of "marriage" per se but I am a fan of long term "commitment." And I think when a person reaches their late 30s and 40s, and they've been unable to sustain a committed relationship for more than a few months to a year, it's not about the other person anymore, or about not finding the "right" person, it's about you. Sure, you can blame it on the women you meet - they hate men, they play games, no sense of humor etc. - but come on, that's deflecting and denial, because you don't want to take the time to look within to determine what it is about you that finds all these things "wrong" with every woman you meet, falsely justifying why you are unable to find lasting happiness with a woman, and commit to her. max, I didn't know you're pushing 40! Mate it's time to start introspecting and self-reflecting to determine why it is you're unable to emotionally connect with women. I'm being serious, something is just not quite jiving about all this. I think it would be time well spent! Edited May 29, 2020 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) It was too late to edit my post but wanted to add there is absolutely nothing wrong, bad or weird for choosing to remain single, commitment free and live solo. And casually date various women and have no desire to get further involved. If that makes you happy, far be it for me to discourage you from that! But that's not what's happening here, is it max. You want to find that special someone, to connect with and eventually commit to. But for some reason you are unable to find that, and now that you're pushing 40, where you will find that reason is within yourself. Start digging! Edited May 29, 2020 by poppyfields
Spainglish Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) You really can't judge whether or not someone is capable of having a relationship based on whether or not they've been divorced. I"ll give you three reasons why I ended relationships: 1) He was physically abusive. Not in the beginning. It eventually reached abuse one day. He didn't just slap me. He beat me up and then went to my mother's house and slapped her. Exit now! 2) He was an alcoholic. We never lived together or spent more than a weekend together before getting married so I had no idea he drank most of the day. I tried to keep him busy and talked about doing things to get away from the alcohol like counseling, meetings, decreasing volume, etc. but it didn't work. One day, out of the blue, he hit my son with a bat while drunk. Exit now! 3) He made sexual advances towards my teenage daughter. Exit now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, as you can see, I don't have trouble with relationships. I have trouble finding the right person for a relationship. So, now I have two kids from two different fathers and have been divorced more than once. This looks incredibly bad on paper, however, I had no way of forecasting any of these things would happen. You really just take a big leap of faith when you get involved with someone. You don't know what's around the corner and you can't look at their past to try to predict what will be around the corner. Don't hold "divorce" against her. Please don't pre-judge her and get to know her first. P.S. I'm done. No more marriage and no more divorce for me. Now people will always say, "There must be something wrong with her because she's been single forever". Now I know why there are so many single women who won't commit. You eventually get tired of meeting the wrong one. Edited May 29, 2020 by Spainglish line spacing
Author max3732 Posted May 29, 2020 Author Posted May 29, 2020 10 hours ago, poppyfields said: It was too late to edit my post but wanted to add there is absolutely nothing wrong, bad or weird for choosing to remain single, commitment free and live solo. And casually date various women and have no desire to get further involved. If that makes you happy, far be it for me to discourage you from that! But that's not what's happening here, is it max. You want to find that special someone, to connect with and eventually commit to. But for some reason you are unable to find that, and now that you're pushing 40, where you will find that reason is within yourself. Start digging! Pushing 40 is the reason I've been working so hard on dating and why I'm so frustrated I haven't succeeded. I have done self reflection and can't figure out what else to do. I just don't meet the women I want to date IRL and with OLD I do find women I might be interested in but they won't talk to me. I'm successful at work and financially, have a great relationship with my family, have some wonderful friends, am fit and athletic, have a ton of hobbies and interests, stay very informed about current events, and think of myself as just a happy, great guy. To try and meet women I signed up for Eharmony, Match, Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, POF, and OkCupid. Even before the pandemic I worked from home with my own company. I guess my main problem is women get 500 messages a day and my opening message isn't clever enough for them to even look at my profile. A lot of profiles I see the woman has many attributes I'm looking for, but then has some deal breakers. A big one in both OLD and IRL is politically and demographics. Where I live almost all the women are on the opposite end of the political spectrum and if they're like that due to fundamental issues about how we live and would raise children then it's a deal breaker. Another is demographics. I'm interested in white women only and am in an area where they're in the minority. When I have met someone that checks all the basic boxes I sometimes get nervous and that's something I've been working on. Aside from that I don't know what else to do.
poppyfields Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) max, my response is to keep digging. Most times the answers we seek are staring us right in the face, we just have to be ready to see them. There are many many happy couples in successful relationships who met on a dating app or website. I met my bf on a dating site! Been together 2+, almost 3 years. Off hand I can think of three couples I know who met on a dating app, one couple met on Tinder and are getting married in December! So obviously not every woman on these apps are man-hating, stupid with no sense of humor. I dunno what to tell ya, maybe your picker needs some fine-tuning cause something isn't jiving. And for * sakes, get rid of your "boxes" and checklist. Like I said earlier, that is not how attraction, chemistry and emotions work. Best of luck. Edited May 29, 2020 by poppyfields
rjc149 Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, max3732 said: Pushing 40 is the reason I've been working so hard on dating and why I'm so frustrated I haven't succeeded. When I have met someone that checks all the basic boxes I sometimes get nervous and that's something I've been working on. Aside from that I don't know what else to do. I think that's your issue, is that you're so obsessed with locking down a woman and conforming to the "default" that your desperation and need is coming through on your dates. Women smell need and desperation like a shark can smell a drop of blood hundreds of miles away deep in the ocean. You may think you're being friendly and cool and a gentleman, but it's instinctive, they literally have a sixth sense for it. Need and desperation indicate low-value. They unconsciously, almost in a reptilian manner, scan for low-value from your words, actions, and behavior. Yeah they think you're cute enough, but until you've shown you're strong enough too, you're on probation. If a woman gets the vibe "this guy is really trying to lock a woman down, he's really desperate for a mate" you flunk the probationary period. Asking women about details of all their previous relationships and lovers and divorces communicates that you're insecure, you're focused on relationships, locking her down, and eager to be her runner-up. Not hot, Max. You just need to focus on continuing to create a great life for yourself that women will want to join, and not focus on joining a great woman's life. Focus on yourself. And when on dates, focus on HAVING FUN not interviewing her and vetting her and trying to impress her so you can lock her down. If you can go on dates and be laid-back, light, and not place any expectations on her whatsoever, just go and have fun and she can take it or leave it, no biggie either way, you'll have more success. Edited May 29, 2020 by rjc149 1
poppyfields Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 Oh man, that^ was truly insightful rjc. Like truly!! Spots on.
rjc149 Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Oh man, that^ was truly insightful rjc. Like truly!! Spots on. Haha thanks, I'm glad to help.
balletomane Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, max3732 said: I have done self reflection and can't figure out what else to do. I just don't meet the women I want to date IRL and with OLD I do find women I might be interested in but they won't talk to me. I'm successful at work and financially, have a great relationship with my family, have some wonderful friends, am fit and athletic, have a ton of hobbies and interests, stay very informed about current events, and think of myself as just a happy, great guy. "I have done self-reflection" makes it sound as if this is one more thing on a list of strategies you've tried and ticked off your list. It's not something you just do once or twice. Being reflective and self-aware is a personal quality that should inform all your actions. It allows you to notice and learn from aspects of your behaviour. A practical example: you have friends and a good social life. LS has a friendship forum where people can get advice, but I've never seen you there at all, never mind asking the kind of very specific questions you ask in the Dating forum. This suggests that you aren't nervous in your friendships and you don't try to micro-manage them in the way you do with dating. So a helpful question for reflection could be, "What makes dating so different in my eyes, and why does my behaviour alter so much when I'm looking for a romantic relationship?" This could help you get to the root of your nerves around dating, and enable you to be less rigid and anxious in how you approach it. Edited May 29, 2020 by balletomane
Miss Spider Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, max3732 said: Pushing 40 is the reason I've been working so hard on dating and why I'm so frustrated I haven't succeeded. I have done self reflection and can't figure out what else to do. I just don't meet the women I want to date IRL and with OLD I do find women I might be interested in but they won't talk to me. I'm successful at work and financially, have a great relationship with my family, have some wonderful friends, am fit and athletic, have a ton of hobbies and interests, stay very informed about current events, and think of myself as just a happy, great guy. To try and meet women I signed up for Eharmony, Match, Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, POF, and OkCupid. Even before the pandemic I worked from home with my own company. I guess my main problem is women get 500 messages a day and my opening message isn't clever enough for them to even look at my profile. A lot of profiles I see the woman has many attributes I'm looking for, but then has some deal breakers. A big one in both OLD and IRL is politically and demographics. Where I live almost all the women are on the opposite end of the political spectrum and if they're like that due to fundamental issues about how we live and would raise children then it's a deal breaker. Another is demographics. I'm interested in white women only and am in an area where they're in the minority. When I have met someone that checks all the basic boxes I sometimes get nervous and that's something I've been working on. Aside from that I don't know what else to do. It sounds like your bio/love clock is ticking because of your age. You feel like it’s time for you to have already found someone, being married to, and perhaps have a family(?). A lot of people get that way. It sounds antithetical, but the fact that you want it so much may be the reason you are struggling. It’s causing a lot of nervous tension and desperation for you. People can usually sense that.. . Also, since you have resorted to the OLD route, it means that your options irl haven’t been maximized. OLD should really be used as a supplement/last resort imo. It seems like a great thing because of the convenience and seeming to be able to order exactly what you want, but it has its own problems off the bay and some that aren’t apparent until much later. I think a lot of people would be better off trying meeting someone another way. Edited May 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Author max3732 Posted May 29, 2020 Author Posted May 29, 2020 2 hours ago, balletomane said: "I have done self-reflection" makes it sound as if this is one more thing on a list of strategies you've tried and ticked off your list. It's not something you just do once or twice. Being reflective and self-aware is a personal quality that should inform all your actions. It allows you to notice and learn from aspects of your behaviour. A practical example: you have friends and a good social life. LS has a friendship forum where people can get advice, but I've never seen you there at all, never mind asking the kind of very specific questions you ask in the Dating forum. This suggests that you aren't nervous in your friendships and you don't try to micro-manage them in the way you do with dating. So a helpful question for reflection could be, "What makes dating so different in my eyes, and why does my behaviour alter so much when I'm looking for a romantic relationship?" This could help you get to the root of your nerves around dating, and enable you to be less rigid and anxious in how you approach it. Well it's always been easy for me to make friends. Growing up I had a ton of friends and was one of the most popular kids in school. My issue is dealing with girls/women. I almost went thorugh my life story, but basically I didn't really deal with them at all until my mid 20s and I was more clueless then than I am now. With normal friendships it doesn't matter if you say something slightly weird or don't text at the right time or say something clever in the 1st message. I've never had anyone ghost me with friendship. If I sign up for any activity I'll find people there I can probably be friends with. That doesn't mean I want to date/marry them. Almost all my friends are guys and now almost all of them are married. I already know the reason I get so nervous around women are because it's next than impossible to meet them. So when I actually find someone that I think I might like it's like finding a needle in a haystack and not wanting to drop it back in.
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