Air20 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) Hi, I've met up with a guy from Grindr twice, just for walks. We've both said we're looking for friends as well as relationships, he said he'd just come out of a 2 year relationship. I think he likes me though, and he's invited me round his house for a drink. He's a nice guy but not really feeling attracted to him. I would happily continue meeting as friends if he was too. What should I do? Continue meeting up and just let him down gently if he asks? Not meet again? Or should I bring it up beforehand, and say I'd just like to meet as friends? I have social anxiety and not much experience so this kind of situation makes me anxious. Thanks Edited May 28, 2020 by Air20
Miss Spider Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 I have the same problem/anxieties. I would just tell him you think he’s cool but you dont think it’s a match, sorry... then block dont stay friends
introverted1 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 I would not go to his house for drinks, regardless, but especially if you are just looking to be friends. If you actually want to be this guy's friend (as opposed to just saying so in the hopes it will soften the "no interest" blow), then tell him so and offer a "friendly" meeting instead -- something outdoors and in the daytime.
elaine567 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 It is quite rare to find genuine friends from a dating pool as attraction or lack of complicates things. Sounds like he wants to escalate things and so going to his house for "just a drink" may land you in trouble when he finds out you re not interested. Best to keep friends and dates separate. The last thing you want is a jealous "friend" hanging around, trying to ruin your dating. I would do what Cookies said. 1
Emilie Jolie Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 56 minutes ago, Air20 said: Or should I bring it up beforehand, and say I'd just like to meet as friends? This, since this is what you want to do. If he likes you, it'll be one of 2 things: He'll tell you thanks but no thanks He'll go ahead with the frienship plan in the hope you change your mind (this will be on him). If your social anxiety is really bad, you can spare yourself an awkward conversation or 2 by telling him you're not feeling a romantic connection and leave it at that. If he wants to salvage a friendship out of it, he'll let you know.
Miss Spider Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 It kind of perplexed me how people in general see nothing wrong with hacking a situation where someone likes you romantically to underhandedly gain a very attentive ‘friend’ ... but using someone for sex or just ignoring them...oh no ... that’s totally not cool haha
Emilie Jolie Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 I think it'll all about laying down your intentions straight up and not assuming your date is so crazy in love with you after you've graced them with your company for a whole of a couple of hours that they won't survive a friendship thing? Same thing if you want to have a ONS. Tell them, then they can make their own choice. 9 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: It kind of perplexed me how people in general see nothing wrong with hacking a situation where someone likes you romantically to underhandedly gain a very attentive ‘friend’ ... but using someone for sex or just ignoring them...oh no ... that’s totally not cool haha 1
Miss Spider Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) They’re at the very least romantically/sexually attracted to you if they’re going on a date... that doesn’t just shut off for them because you decided youre not attracted enough to date them. I feel like their attraction might have the tendency to grow with ‘friendship’? It seems messy at best So many other people out there if you want friends than someone you went on a date w... but that’s just my opinion it’s kind of like mental castration lol @reality... just too many bad experiences with people who didn’t really accept the goodbye... I think if you say goodbye it should be over and done/ok. Obviously don’t have to block but for people with anxiety it can help Edited May 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Emilie Jolie Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: They’re at the very least romantically/sexually attracted to you if they’re going on a date... that doesn’t just shut off... I feel like that would have the tendency to grow with ‘friendship’? They're in the same exact position you are, except maybe they like you that little bit more. Most people survive a 'not interested thanks'. After you've spent time getting to know them (weeks or more than one date when it's obvious they like you or whatever) then yeah, it's a dickish move. After one meet off of Grindr? Should not be a big deal. Never made friends with a date myself, but I never wanted to. The only guy I'd have wanted to be friends with is the SO. But I know it happens. Edited May 28, 2020 by Emilie Jolie 1
rjc149 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 Assuming you're both gay dudes who are cruising if you met on Grinder. Also assuming anyone on a dating/hookup app isn't looking for just a buddy to hang with. He's invited you to his place for drinks to escalate the interaction. I would give yourself the benefit of the doubt on that. If you want a friendship, suggest a much less intimate setting to meet up and hang out, and observe his behavior from there. Otherwise I wouldn't let yourselves bullsh-t yourselves, and each other, that you're looking for friends on a hookup app. You ever watch "To Catch a Predator?" First thing those guys all say when they get busted "I was just looking to hang out, nothing sexual I swear!" Come on dude. Part of overcoming social anxiety is learning to not care what people think -- or rather, learning that people aren't thinking about you at all, because they're too focused on themselves. Own who you are and what you want, and don't apologize if it upsets someone. Usually, it doesn't.
Miss Spider Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) Yea I totally see your point, Emilie. I just can’t shake how I feel like it’s not much different to continuing to sleep with a person when you suspect they have other feelings ... except it’s just basically talk/ use as an emotional crutch when you suspect they have feelings So many of my friends have circles of dudes they’ve friend zoned and it makes me bad for those guys because they’re really jumping through hoops and hangin on to that hope ... it’s just not worth it to me, but I’m not hard up on friendship I guess Edited May 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Miss Spider Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 5 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: They're in the same exact position you are, except maybe they like you that little bit more. Most people survive a 'not interested thanks'. After you've spent time getting to know them (weeks or more than one date when it's obvious they like you or whatever) then yeah, it's a dickish move. After one meet off of Grindr? Should not be a big deal. Never made friends with a date myself, but I never wanted to. The only guy I'd have wanted to be friends with is the SO. But I know it happens. Also you made a really good point... the guy he met off Grindr could say sure and then still pressure or try to get him in bed....that could also put him in a precarious position having anxieties especially 1
Emilie Jolie Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) @CookiesandoughYeah, that makes sense too. I think if you know yourself and you know you're not dicking anyone around by offering the friendship card after ONE meet and the other person is on the same page, then why not? More than that, and you know they 'like' you, agreed. Rogue. Edited May 28, 2020 by Emilie Jolie 1
Miss Spider Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) Yep true. I feel it is actually more likely at one date or even before. It seems that men especially tend to pedestal or idealize before they know the person. Which is why oneitis and such is usually more prevalent before they’ve dated the person. It seems like most guys in my friends cases were shot down before even one date happened anyway, block or don’t block, friend or don’t friend, but do be honest about your intent Edited May 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Author Air20 Posted May 28, 2020 Author Posted May 28, 2020 Hi all, Thanks for your replies. I just realised he's likely suggested his house seeing as all pubs and bars are shut. He did say he wish we could go to a pub for a drink, so I could see it as just having a drink. I'm wary of saying about just wanting friendship now by text in case he isn't being serious yet, as a poster said. I don't want him thinking I'm making assumptions, but then as ric said, I should stop worrying about what people think haha
Author Air20 Posted May 28, 2020 Author Posted May 28, 2020 2 runs actually, sorry I was getting paranoid about him viewing this, unlikely as it is.
Author Air20 Posted May 28, 2020 Author Posted May 28, 2020 He's been living in town for a year, and said he doesn't really have any friends, just work colleagues. He could always join a sports club or something.
Emilie Jolie Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 No worries :). Can you offer to zoom it? That's what I'd do if I wanted to ascertain the friendship boundaries. 1
DearingFrau Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) Hey there! These things are usually pretty straightforward. And if you practice, you'll get good at these conversations. Meet up with him somewhere on his turf - a place near his house, a neutral coffee shop where he can easily get himself home if he wants to leave. Use the compliment sandwich: You: I'm really glad we met on the app! You're really awesome, and I have a lot of fun when we hang out. I really hope to keep doing that. At this point, I am not interested in pursuing a relationship because I just don't feel that way about you. I feel more of a friendship vibe. I hope we can be friends, and you can move on and date other women. You are so great, and you're going to meet some amazing girl. I want you to find someone that really appreciates what I see in you, and someone you can be happy with. What do you think? Him: I'm really disappointed. I really hoped a romance would develop between us. I don't think I am ready to be friends at this point. Thanks, and good luck. or Him: I'm totally fine with that. Friendship would be great. It'll be nice to have someone to vent to about my future dating disasters! or Him: I'm not really sure. Let me think about it. Once you have his answer, keep it a very short meeting. After 15 or 20 minutes, stand up and say, "Well, I've gotta run," and this will give him some time to process and think, if he doesn't really know what he wants. What happens after that is up to him. Be careful if he says he's "ok" with friends, but doesn't act like it. That just means he doesn't respect your decision, and is trying to win you over. If he does this, then it's up to you to say, "I really don't feel comfortable when you treat me like more than a friend. I'd hoped this would work, but I think for both of our benefit, we'll have to part ways." Etc. I hope some of this helps! It's sometimes good to have a script in your mind. It will help him if you smile, be gentle and kind, and show that you are confident with your decision and you are confident in him. The more you're nervous, the more freaked out he'll be. Good luck! Edited May 28, 2020 by DearingFrau 1
contel3 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 I wouldn't worry about this too much. While there is a chance he might fake a friendship to still have a chance at something more, I find that it's a lot easier to stay friends with people you dated in the gay community (assuming you're gay since you're on grindr). It is such a small community, most will want to stay in touch, especially if he's new in town.
smackie9 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 It's pretty obvious he wants to get laid......NEXT! 1
Ellener Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 I would just say 'I want to be friends'. I met a lovely guy last year we had a really nice date and he was very enthusiastic, I was less so but we wrote back and forth a bit and I told him, I think you're lovely and I'd be honoured to have you as a friend, I don't see a romance; he thanked me and told me he didn't want to cultivate more friendships from dating and we wished each other well. I think the key is to be kind- relationships evolve, romantic or friendship, depending on feelings whilst spending time together. I don't think we can plan everything to the nth degree...just be aware of safety and how the pandemic gives a new dimension to that. 2
preraph Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 Dating apps are not the place to be looking for friends and it's really just kind of not fair to go out with people if you weren't attracted to them at all to begin with just to make a friend if that's what's going on here. And grindr especially. Anyway you can tell him that you don't feel romantic chemistry but that you would be okay with being friends with him except that you don't want to waste his time. 1
CaliforniaGirl0 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 I'd advise not staying friends - this can't end well! 1
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