rjc149 Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 5 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: So she's allowed to use her body to be intimate with him, but she's not allowed any natural bodily functions? Nope, not allowed. 1
Author steadyaswego Posted May 27, 2020 Author Posted May 27, 2020 11 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: So she's allowed to use her body to be intimate with him, but she's not allowed any natural bodily functions? I'm not the one saying a bathroom is an issue. I'm more concerned about general space, especially in time when we are all working remotely and spending more and more time at home.
poppyfields Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 (edited) rjc149, I like you and despite my sometimes snarky responses (sorry), I agree with many of your posts, including on this thread, more or less. But I think it's important to remember that you are an avoidant, admittedly, and feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. So your advice and opinions will naturally come from that mind frame. Not everyone is an avoidant and many embrace being close, so your advice may seem a bit confusing for them because it's not who they are. Like the bathroom thing for example.. This doesn't turn me off at all, it's a natural human function, sometimes my bf and I will tease each other and chuckle about it. I get it would bother you and I respect that, but realize where that comes from. From a man who feels uncomfortable with too much closeness. Just my $.02. Edited May 27, 2020 by poppyfields
simpycurious Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 45 minutes ago, steadyaswego said: I'm not the one saying a bathroom is an issue. I'm more concerned about general space, especially in time when we are all working remotely and spending more and more time at home. I have never lived in a small space other than a dorm for one year in college (it was required) but some recreational space is not a bad thing IMO. I am not sure how people are able to LIVE day in and day out in small areas. 1
preraph Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: So she's allowed to use her body to be intimate with him, but she's not allowed any natural bodily functions? I guess it must not be true for everyone since it sounds crazy to you, but for a lot of people the more of that type stuff you take public that should be private, the less appealing. 1 1
rjc149 Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 (edited) 47 minutes ago, poppyfields said: rjc149, I like you and despite my sometimes snarky responses (sorry), I agree with many of your posts, including on this thread, more or less. But I think it's important to remember that you are an avoidant, admittedly, and feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. So your advice and opinions will naturally come from that mind frame. Not everyone is an avoidant and many embrace being close, so your advice may seem a bit confusing for them because it's not who they are. Like the bathroom thing for example.. This doesn't turn me off at all, it's a natural human function, sometimes my bf and I will tease each other and chuckle about it. I get it would bother you and I respect that, but realize where that comes from. From a man who feels uncomfortable with too much closeness. Just my $.02. I always like your responses to me, snarky (?) or not so don't worry. I'm just saying, things can get too comfortable in relationships. Lack of basic privacy contributes to that. Nothing is more sacred, private, personal space than the crapper. When that space is getting invaded, or invading other spaces, I'd think you need to be REALLY comfortable with someone to not mind. That's in addition to all the little things, like leftover food sitting out overnight or pubes on the toilet seat. It all builds up and there are some people who are simply not wired for each other to overcome it. Confined space exacerbates that. Maybe the OP doesn't mind his girlfriend napalming the toilet in the morning before he goes in to take a shower. But, having that space, and having that element of "out of sight out of mind" is going to give his, and any, budding relationship a better shot at success. Edited May 27, 2020 by rjc149 3
Miss Spider Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 What if you both have to Go at the same time... alls fun and games til someone shes their pants 1 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) On 5/26/2020 at 11:49 AM, steadyaswego said: I am in a bit of a bind and need some help. I am not sure what to do, and I am to the point now where I am not eating or sleeping in anticipation of this. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years as of this month. We discussed moving in together last year when her lease ended in summer 2020. I moved to a small flat in our city in February with the expectation that she'd join me when hers also was up. The pandemic then hit and we both found ourselves working and spending all of our time at home, separately, which still seeing each other on weekends and 2-3 nights a week for dinner. She finds herself working remotely permanently, until at least 2021, and I am back and forth from my office as we slowly re-open. She is unable to go to her exercise classes and currently attends them remotely in her kitchen at very early hours of the morning. The flat she will be moving into is very small. We have 1 bedroom and a kitchen and small living area. The living area backs up to the bedroom which has thin walls and you can hear everything. Her sleeping schedule is the opposite of mine (I go to bed late/she goes to bed early and wakes up before dawn to exercise). I am beginning to think this adjustment is going to be too much for me to handle right now. I shared with her my fears and reservations about this. She began looking at places to move on her own the last 2 weeks, but so far she has not found anything. I suggested we look at 2 bedroom apartments in the building I am living in, but she said she did not want to spend the extra money. She is making this decision purely a financial one, and keeps saying she does not want to spend more money living with me than she would living alone. She's worried about the economy and saving money. I have done everything but firmly tell her she cannot move in with me. I feel like if I tell her that, I am essentially abandoning her and given we have been together for 2 years, I feel like that would be unfair and reflect poorly on me as someone who is afraid of commitment and cannot be relied on. Our relationship outside of this move in has been wonderful. We tend to rarely fight and seem to understand each other. I worry we are going to destroy a good situation right now by trying to handle a move in on top of all the other uncertainty in the world. Am I overthinking this? First of all, I don't sense that she'll be POUNDING on the walls or floors when exercising. (the benefits to sharing your lives so close will outweigh any small drawbacks regarding her exercise routine) It probably IS fair for her to hesitate based on the economic uncertainty which is upon us The last part hints that IF you fast-forward your life 10 or 20 years, that you want her in it... (at least to the extent which you could possibly know right NOW) With that in mind, the move that would BE to "firmly tell her she cannot move in with" you... might be taken as is typically a marriage proposal that is not accepted. (sure, they could keep dating... but it is such a slap in the face {admittedly, to many people who clearly DO jump the proposal gun} that those rejected at that point would probably do best for themselves by turning and looking for better options. ) MAYbe there is some alternative, with more room, which is just a small-ish additional cost, and perhaps she would compromise with such an arrangement? Otherwise, IF your priority is the long run... then you should be very careful. (I'm still voting that the exercise routine won't resemble karate kicks to a punching bag and the accompanying grunts) Edited May 28, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy
Author steadyaswego Posted May 28, 2020 Author Posted May 28, 2020 11 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: First of all, I don't sense that she'll be POUNDING on the walls or floors when exercising. (the benefits to sharing your lives so close will outweigh any small drawbacks regarding her exercise routine) It probably IS fair for her to hesitate based on the economic uncertainty which is upon us The last part hints that IF you fast-forward your life 10 or 20 years, that you want her in it... (at least to the extent which you could possibly know right NOW) With that in mind, the move that would BE to "firmly tell her she cannot move in with" you... might be taken as is typically a marriage proposal that is not accepted. (sure, they could keep dating... but it is such a slap in the face {admittedly, to many people who clearly DO jump the proposal gun} that those rejected at that point would probably do best for themselves by turning and looking for better options. ) MAYbe there is some alternative, with more room, which is just a small-ish additional cost, and perhaps she would compromise with such an arrangement? Otherwise, IF your priority is the long run... then you should be very careful. (I'm still voting that the exercise routine won't resemble karate kicks to a punching bag and the accompanying grunts) I checked on a larger apartment and she told me she did not want to spend more money living with me than she would living by herself. To me, that sounds like living with me is not a priority. Saving money is. 1
rjc149 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 23 minutes ago, steadyaswego said: I checked on a larger apartment and she told me she did not want to spend more money living with me than she would living by herself. To me, that sounds like living with me is not a priority. Saving money is. I think you can reasonably assume that she views living with you as a financial convenience, with little regard for the jeopardy it will place on your relationship. Your priority should be maintaining your own personal space and privacy, and life. Not ensuring she gets what she wants. I would start hedging yourself, because this looks to me like a bump in your relationship that could throw it off the road, like the whole "let's do what couples do by moving in together" milestone of relationships so reliably is. I would also start being more firm and assertive with her. Confront her. "Do you want to move in together to be closer together, or are you trying to lower living costs?" Don't let her equivocate. Get a clear answer. And if you're not comfortable with cohabitation, tell her straight to her face. Don't equivocate yourself. "I will not overextend myself on rent to share a larger apartment with you, and I will not endure lots of petty conflict sharing a small apartment with you just to save some money. You need a place of your own." You gotta be a little stubborn with women. It may frustrate and upset them, but they respect it. Giving in to her on this matter will not save your relationship any more than refusing. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 10 minutes ago, rjc149 said: I think you can reasonably assume that she views living with you as a financial convenience, with little regard for the jeopardy it will place on your relationship. Your priority should be maintaining your own personal space and privacy, and life. Not ensuring she gets what she wants. I would start hedging yourself, because this looks to me like a bump in your relationship that could throw it off the road, like the whole "let's do what couples do by moving in together" milestone of relationships so reliably is. I would also start being more firm and assertive with her. Confront her. "Do you want to move in together to be closer together, or are you trying to lower living costs?" Don't let her equivocate. Get a clear answer. And if you're not comfortable with cohabitation, tell her straight to her face. Don't equivocate yourself. "I will not overextend myself on rent to share a larger apartment with you, and I will not endure lots of petty conflict sharing a small apartment with you just to save some money. You need a place of your own." You gotta be a little stubborn with women. It may frustrate and upset them, but they respect it. Giving in to her on this matter will not save your relationship any more than refusing. Agree, in principle. OP, let there be no ambiguity regarding your concerns here.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 19 hours ago, preraph said: I guess it must not be true for everyone since it sounds crazy to you, but for a lot of people the more of that type stuff you take public that should be private, the less appealing. What's she supposed to do, hold it in? Never eat or drink??
rjc149 Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 2 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: What's she supposed to do, hold it in? Never eat or drink?? Go to Dunkin Donuts. 1 1
poppyfields Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 1 hour ago, steadyaswego said: I checked on a larger apartment and she told me she did not want to spend more money living with me than she would living by herself. If tables were turned and my bf said this to me, immediate DUMP. That is debasing, and clearly suggests, to her, you are nothing more than a meal ticket. A way to save money. Self-respect mate, where'd it go? Ugh.
poppyfields Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 3 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Go to Dunkin Donuts. Lol, I actually have a friend who does this! DD being across the street. She was so embarrassed to take a **** in the bath she shared with bf, every morn while taking pups for a walk, she'd head over to DD to do it! Xd Not sure if she still does, but I know she used to. 2
Miss Spider Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) At the very least she cares more about her wallet now than growing together as a couple and preparing for their future Haha she sounds like a pragmatic woman... Edited May 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Miss Spider Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Lol, I actually have a friend who does this! DD being across the street. She was so embarrassed to take a **** in the bath she shared with bf, every morn while taking pups for a walk, she'd head over to DD to do it! Xd Not sure if she still does, but I know she used to. LMAO
poppyfields Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) cookies, did you get your lips enhanced? Lol. Just teasing, great pic! Edited May 28, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Miss Spider Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) oh hellllllll naw ... I can’t do needles in my face ... shudders ...and my lips are way too big as is lol Ty tho The DD story is still cracking my sh*t up .. why does DD bathroom seem to always be taking the most punishment ? Edited May 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough
poppyfields Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 Just now, Cookiesandough said: oh hellllllll naw ... I can’t do needles in my face ... shudders ...and my lips are way too big as is lol Oh I hear ya, my esthetician once talked me into having 6 units of botox injected into forehead (minuscule amount) - total disaster!! Xd It was too much and I couldn't move my forehead for a month! Totally frozen. And funny thing is, no one even noticed the diffeence! One of the many stupid things I've done in my life. 1
Miss Spider Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Oh I hear ya, my esthetician once talked me into having 6 units of botox injected into forehead (minuscule amount) - total disaster!! Xd It was too much and I couldn't move my forehead for a month! Totally frozen. And funny thing is, no one even noticed the diffeence! One of the many stupid things I've done in my life. Poppy... why would you let them do that!!! You’re already perf as is... they just wanted $ ..no wonder no one noticed ... Hope they knock you out with some general anesthesia for that. t yikes at not being able to move your head. Ibut back on topic ... I lived in a 1br 1bath apartment with an ex bf... yes ... EX Edited May 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
poppyfields Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 14 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Poppy... why would you let them do that!!! You’re already perf as is... they just wanted $ ..no wonder no one noticed ... Hope they knock you out with some general anesthesia for that. t yikes at not being able to move your head. Yeah, I know now she wanted my $$$. Thank god I didn't get more; she told me the "normal" amount most of her clients get is 20 units, yikes! She said they like the "frozen" look! Xd. No anesthesia, and yah it hurt! Never again, decided to grow old gracefully. I'm far from perfect, but thank you for the compliment. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 It seems pretty clear that this is a bad idea. Your concerns are valid, and it's worrying that she doesn't seem to care about them. If you're feeling this worried about it before it even happens, that's a bad sign. I can understand her not wanting to spend more money to live with you than to live alone. One of the benefits of cohabiting is that it saves money by merging certain expenses into one - one utility bill instead of two, etc. But certainly it shouldn't be the primary motivating factor. I get the impression there's more to this part of it that's troubling you. My boyfriend of 6 months has an apartment in the city and I have a house in the suburbs. (And he has a house out of state where he raised his now-grown kids.) Since the beginning we've spent almost every night together as long as he's in town (his preference, and I've enjoyed it, so have gone along with it). He suggested a while ago that he get rid of his apartment, move into my house with me, and start contributing to my mortgage and bills, then eventually we'll buy a bigger house. I said no way, I'm not officially, legally living together unless we eventually decide to get married. I'm not at all comfortable with us not having an escape route while we're just dating. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Several times we've had disagreements and retreated to our own places again, and that's priceless. If you do go ahead with this plan - and I don't recommend it - I'd absolutely insist that you both be on the lease with equal responsibility. You have to hope for the best and plan for the worst. What happens if it falls apart and you're the only one on the hook for the apartment? A better plan is to put this off until and unless you find a solution that is workable and desirable for both of you. One more thing - my boyfriend has been staying at my house during lockdown, and while it's been great in many ways, it's also been aggravating at times. There's plenty of space for us in my house, but still, we're both always here. I'm sure it would have been much harder to do this in a small place with just one bedroom and one bathroom. 3
Miss Spider Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: It seems pretty clear that this is a bad idea. Your concerns are valid, and it's worrying that she doesn't seem to care about them. If you're feeling this worried about it before it even happens, that's a bad sign. I can understand her not wanting to spend more money to live with you than to live alone. One of the benefits of cohabiting is that it saves money by merging certain expenses into one - one utility bill instead of two, etc. But certainly it shouldn't be the primary motivating factor. I get the impression there's more to this part of it that's troubling you. My boyfriend of 6 months has an apartment in the city and I have a house in the suburbs. (And he has a house out of state where he raised his now-grown kids.) Since the beginning we've spent almost every night together as long as he's in town (his preference, and I've enjoyed it, so have gone along with it). He suggested a while ago that he get rid of his apartment, move into my house with me, and start contributing to my mortgage and bills, then eventually we'll buy a bigger house. I said no way, I'm not officially, legally living together unless we eventually decide to get married. I'm not at all comfortable with us not having an escape route while we're just dating. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Several times we've had disagreements and retreated to our own places again, and that's priceless. If you do go ahead with this plan - and I don't recommend it - I'd absolutely insist that you both be on the lease with equal responsibility. You have to hope for the best and plan for the worst. What happens if it falls apart and you're the only one on the hook for the apartment? A better plan is to put this off until and unless you find a solution that is workable and desirable for both of you. One more thing - my boyfriend has been staying at my house during lockdown, and while it's been great in many ways, it's also been aggravating at times. There's plenty of space for us in my house, but still, we're both always here. I'm sure it would have been much harder to do this in a small place with just one bedroom and one bathroom. @poppy growing old gracefully agreed. It just looks better imo .. except maybe lip lipo ... do they have that? Lol & ruby, I agree that I would not pay more $ to live with a bf... that kind of defeats the purpose to me.. I, however, am pretty frugal/careful with money. All my bfs I moved in & didn’t pay rent, but just chipped in with other expenses like food and other stuff. So both of us were actually lightening the load financially at the end of the day. That’s the only thing that really makes sense to me, but I’m not sure if many people are really that practical .shes just doing what’s smart for her. OP needs to do what is smart for him. Edited May 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 13 hours ago, steadyaswego said: I checked on a larger apartment and she told me she did not want to spend more money living with me than she would living by herself. To me, that sounds like living with me is not a priority. Saving money is. Living with you is not my priority either. Saving money at this point in time... with the real Covid wave still upcoming... is probably a far more sensible priority to most than would be living with you. All of those grand numbers and curves they present to you on TV are only comparing today with minimal world travel ongoing... to past days with minimal world travel ongoing. The real whammy arrives when people return to their jet-setting ways. A month or two in, your girlfriend may still have some money, and some credit to fall back on. Where do you plan to be at that point?
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