Author steadyaswego Posted May 27, 2020 Author Posted May 27, 2020 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: Fair point C&F.. Perhaps he has some underlying fear of commitment or something he may not even be aware of, it's possible. It would be interesting to see how OP feels if/when his gf agreed to the 2 bedroom. If he would still feel anxious. Something to consider OP? I would not say fear of commitment. Yes, I am anxious as I have never shared a space with a girlfriend 24/7 in my entire life. I am in my early 30s and more or less set in my ways and how I live and what I need and enjoy. This is the first time that I feel my girlfriend is totally disconnected from me and what my needs and wants are. It seems like she is blinded by the idea of saving money and living in the area of town I live in and our happiness is secondary to any of that. I have had to remind her over and over that BOTH of us have to be happy to make this work - not just her, when she tells me she will be completely happy in a cramped space.
poppyfields Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, steadyaswego said: I would not say fear of commitment. Yes, I am anxious as I have never shared a space with a girlfriend 24/7 in my entire life. I am in my early 30s and more or less set in my ways and how I live and what I need and enjoy. This is the first time that I feel my girlfriend is totally disconnected from me and what my needs and wants are. It seems like she is blinded by the idea of saving money and living in the area of town I live in and our happiness is secondary to any of that. I have had to remind her over and over that BOTH of us have to be happy to make this work - not just her, when she tells me she will be completely happy in a cramped space. Like I said, it would be intersting to see how you would feel it she actually agreed to the 2 bedroom. And you have no idea how you would feel until it happened. I think most men in your position, men without commitment fears, would be reconsidering the relationship, knowing she only wants to live with you to save money. Like you're some meal ticket. I dunno, maybe all this chaos feels emotionally safe to you, because as long as there is chaos, less chance of a real commitment happening. You will deny because as I said, these types of fears go unacknowledged until they begin to form a pattern. Anyway, just something to consider, it's not uncommon. Edited May 27, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author steadyaswego Posted May 27, 2020 Author Posted May 27, 2020 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Like I said, it would be intersting to see how you would feel it she actually agreed to the 2 bedroom. And you have no idea how you would feel until it happened. I think most men in your position, men without commitment fears, would be reconsidering the relationship, knowing she only wants to live with you to save money. Like you're some meal ticket. I dunno, maybe all this chaos feels emotionally safe to you, because as long as there is chaos, less chance of a real commitment happening. You will deny because as I said, these types of fears go unacknowledged until they begin to form a pattern. Anyway, just something to consider, it's not uncommon. Believe me, I am reconsidering the relationship after all the comments she has made about money. I feel like she's taking advantage of me because she doesn't want to pay to live on her own and won't consider living in any cheaper area of town because "she won't be happy." 2
preraph Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 She's definitely just acting self-servingly. I think you should tell her either you get an apartment big enough for the both of you and share the expenses equally or you call this off and let her find her own place to live. 1
Author steadyaswego Posted May 27, 2020 Author Posted May 27, 2020 1 minute ago, preraph said: She's definitely just acting self-servingly. I think you should tell her either you get an apartment big enough for the both of you and share the expenses equally or you call this off and let her find her own place to live. The thing is, there are apartments available right across the river from where I am in a nice area of town that she could lease today, but she is only considering the area where I am. And it "isn't as cheap as it would be living with you." 1
preraph Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 (edited) You need to set your foot down. Just tell her you're not going to live with her in a one-bedroom and those are her choices. Aren't you worried at this point that she is going to be stiffing you on the rent and expenses at some point? Edited May 27, 2020 by preraph 1
smackie9 Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 (edited) Get one that has a larger living space or a larger bedroom so either one of you can have your own space, or one that has a closed in patio. Or even better yet move into a complex that offers a gym/pool/common room/large lobby with seating. A one bedroom might cost a shmidge more with amenities but well worth it if she doesn't want to be on the lease. Edited May 27, 2020 by smackie9
poppyfields Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 (edited) Wow, the more I read, the more I see disaster written all over this situation. I almost feel that by continuing with this toxic dynamic OP, you are self-sabotaging. I don't see this ending well at all! This is not how a good solid loving relationship should be especially when making such an important commitment such as living together. But best of luck. Edited May 27, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author steadyaswego Posted May 27, 2020 Author Posted May 27, 2020 20 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Wow, the more I read, the more I see disaster written all over this situation. I almost feel that by continuing with this toxic dynamic OP, you are self-sabotaging. I don't see this ending well at all! This is not how a good solid loving relationship should be especially when making such an important commitment such as living together. But best of luck. This entire situation has frankly changed my entire perspective on her. She seems unable to understand or care about my needs to be happy in all of this, and she seems to be taking the living together situation as if we are simply roommates splitting the cost of expenses. It hurts. Over the last few days, I have begun to question the entire relationship and am beginning to see her as someone trying to use me so they can save money and live where they want to live, regardless of my happiness or needs. Even after I asked her to stop talking about the money she's saving, she brought up "even if I have to move out, I'll at least save money while I am here." 1
Mystery4u Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 Getting a 2 bedroom place is the most stupid idea of all. Why on Earth would you both waste money on an extra bedroom when you will both be sleeping together in one bed? She is 100% right not to agree to it. Sounds like the issue here is you have no experience being with a woman 24/7 and are now afraid. I'm in my early thirties and have been with a number of women 24/7 living together (some short term some long term) and it is the BEST thing ever. Going to sleep cuddling together, kissing each other good night, waking up and hugging, making food for each other, a million other things, make it so great and enjoyable. If your sleep patterns are different then you talk and come to an agreement/compromise, like an adult. Simple. I wouldn't care how big a place is, if it meant I would get to live there with someone I love spending time with. The main issue here seems to be you not wanting to commit, not wanting extra responsibility, wanting to carry on living 'the single life', while she wants the opposite: for you both to start building a life together and dealing with everything else that comes with it. Also that you both seem unable to communicate and come to an understanding together. Either way I can't see this relationship lasting. 1 1
poppyfields Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 You have some important decisions to make OP. Remember, when making such a big commitment such as this, choose wisely. There is something about this girl and situation that isn't jiving quite right and if you are not careful and more self-protective, you could possibly be milked out of a lot of money if you go through with this. 1 1
Author steadyaswego Posted May 27, 2020 Author Posted May 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: Getting a 2 bedroom place is the most stupid idea of all. Why on Earth would you both waste money on an extra bedroom when you will both be sleeping together in one bed? She is 100% right not to agree to it. Sounds like the issue here is you have no experience being with a woman 24/7 and are now afraid. I'm in my early thirties and have been with a number of women 24/7 living together (some short term some long term) and it is the BEST thing ever. Going to sleep cuddling together, kissing each other good night, waking up and hugging, making food for each other, a million other things, make it so great and enjoyable. If your sleep patterns are different then you talk and come to an agreement/compromise, like an adult. Simple. I wouldn't care how big a place is, if it meant I would get to live there with someone I love spending time with. The main issue here seems to be you not wanting to commit, not wanting extra responsibility, wanting to carry on living 'the single life', while she wants the opposite: for you both to start building a life together and dealing with everything else that comes with it. Also that you both seem unable to communicate and come to an understanding together. Either way I can't see this relationship lasting. If your experiences are so great, why have you lived with multiple women? I only intend to live with someone if it leads to a life together. Otherwise, it is a waste of time. 4
poppyfields Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 Living together in your cramped one bedroom where there is literally no separate space to unwind, chill, which all of us need from time to time, or most of us, will be the kiss of death to your relationship. You can still sleep together, cuddle, spend intimate time in the 2 bedroom. Two bedrooms are generally larger and you won't be so on top of each other all the time, which can be suffocating for many people, including myself! Just because there are two bedrooms, that doesn't mean you each have your own bedroom. You will still share one bedroom. The second bedroom can be used as an office, for guests or just a separate place to unwind and chill. 1 1
preraph Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 Plus these days most people need a second bedroom if for no other reason than to have an office. Most people do need an office. Most people also usually need two TVs in two separate rooms so that when one person is trying to sleep in the other person wants to watch TV or wants to watch something different they can. Not to mention storage space. do you have any idea how much junk she probably has because women have a lot more clothes and stuff than men do. You won't be able to move in there. 2
Author steadyaswego Posted May 27, 2020 Author Posted May 27, 2020 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Living together in your cramped one bedroom where there is literally no separate space to unwind, chill, which all of us need from time to time, or most of us, will be the kiss of death to your relationship. You can still sleep together, cuddle, spend intimate time in the 2 bedroom. Two bedrooms are generally larger and you won't be so on top of each other all the time, which can be suffocating for many people, including myself! Just because there are two bedrooms, that doesn't mean you each have your own bedroom. You will still share one bedroom. The second bedroom can be used as an office, for guests or just a separate place to unwind and chill. I hear you. And this is the advice that all my friends, married or in serious relationships, have told me. I have yet to speak to anyone who did not warn me against trying to live in a one bedroom. Even friends who have been married for 5+ years have told me they almost did not make it living in a one bedroom. 1
Miss Spider Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: Getting a 2 bedroom place is the most stupid idea of all. Why on Earth would you both waste money on an extra bedroom when you will both be sleeping together in one bed? She is 100% right not to agree to it. Sounds like the issue here is you have no experience being with a woman 24/7 and are now afraid. I'm in my early thirties and have been with a number of women 24/7 living together (some short term some long term) and it is the BEST thing ever. Going to sleep cuddling together, kissing each other good night, waking up and hugging, making food for each other, a million other things, make it so great and enjoyable. If your sleep patterns are different then you talk and come to an agreement/compromise, like an adult. Simple. I wouldn't care how big a place is, if it meant I would get to live there with someone I love spending time with. The main issue here seems to be you not wanting to commit, not wanting extra responsibility, wanting to carry on living 'the single life', while she wants the opposite: for you both to start building a life together and dealing with everything else that comes with it. Also that you both seem unable to communicate and come to an understanding together. Either way I can't see this relationship lasting. M4u, with all due respect, in another thread you said you also need near-constant communication via text. Nothing wrong with it, but different people have different requirements regarding the space they need for a healthy relationship. It’s not all cut and dry. A 2 bedroom doesn’t mean you’re sleeping in separate beds Edited May 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough 3
Miss Spider Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 (edited) I wonder how many bathrooms this 1br has bc that’s an issue too. I like to dck around in the bathroom when getting ready , take long showers etc Edited May 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
FMW Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 There is nothing wrong with wanting space. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in close quarters with someone 24/7. It certainly doesn't mean you don't love them or that you aren't able to have a good relationship. There is also nothing wrong with her wanting to be in a small place together 24/7. The problem is that you each have different tolerances and needs. Compatibility is the issue, as is the case in many of the stories on this forum. Going into a commitment like living together should NOT be done when you have so many doubts. Don't let anyone guilt or shame you into just going along with it. 3 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 I agree: having space where you're not on top of someone all day ... that's smart. I read everyday about married couples at home during the lockdown going to separate parts of the house from each other to get some space and some privacy. Even the most happily married couples are not used to being with each other all day ... and ... without the option of being able to go shopping for hours ... or go to a class ... or go to a cafe ... 3
Author steadyaswego Posted May 27, 2020 Author Posted May 27, 2020 1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said: I agree: having space where you're not on top of someone all day ... that's smart. I read everyday about married couples at home during the lockdown going to separate parts of the house from each other to get some space and some privacy. Even the most happily married couples are not used to being with each other all day ... and ... without the option of being able to go shopping for hours ... or go to a class ... or go to a cafe ... Right. And this is where she and I have a huge disconnect. My married friends are the first to tell me how they'd get divorced if their spouse wasn't able to do X on their own or if they did not have separate bedrooms/floors to spend time in. I can't subscribe to what m4u said. And I have a feeling his relationships failed if he's lived with multiple women in his lifetime. That's not a goal I have. 1
Author steadyaswego Posted May 27, 2020 Author Posted May 27, 2020 10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I wonder how many bathrooms this 1br has bc that’s an issue too. I like to dck around in the bathroom when getting ready , take long showers etc It has 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 1 closet and a living space and kitchen all in one room. That's it. 1
Mystery4u Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 41 minutes ago, steadyaswego said: I can't subscribe to what m4u said. And I have a feeling his relationships failed if he's lived with multiple women in his lifetime. That's not a goal I have. Says someone that has never in his life lived with a woman, yea you really know what you are talking about. I have been with a lot of women because I know I am the prize, I date them, spend time to see whether it would work long term for ME. If I find out it doesn't, then I end it and find a better match for myself. I don't settle, I don't stay with someone just for the sake of it or because 'we have been together x years so might as well carry on'. No, I date women who will ADD to my life. I know my worth. If it doesn't end up working then so be it. I carry on with my great life and stay happy regardless. 2 1 1
Author steadyaswego Posted May 27, 2020 Author Posted May 27, 2020 1 hour ago, Mystery4u said: Says someone that has never in his life lived with a woman, yea you really know what you are talking about. I have been with a lot of women because I know I am the prize, I date them, spend time to see whether it would work long term for ME. If I find out it doesn't, then I end it and find a better match for myself. I don't settle, I don't stay with someone just for the sake of it or because 'we have been together x years so might as well carry on'. No, I date women who will ADD to my life. I know my worth. If it doesn't end up working then so be it. I carry on with my great life and stay happy regardless. And if that is your style, and you enjoy jumping from person to person and living with a new woman every year, that's great. We disagree - no one agrees on everything. But understand you have different needs than other people do. I also know I am a catch with great friends and a great job, which is why I don't want to waste my time with someone who does not respect my needs and wants and who only seems interested in saving money. 3
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 22 hours ago, rjc149 said: Cohabitation is the great killer of wonderful relationships. And it sounds like you're already on different pages in terms of very keys things, like your sleeping schedules and money habits. Add in having to listen to her slam a massive dump after enchilada night and reeking up your small apartment, and her getting really fed up with the dried and hardened yellow droplets of your piss on the rim of the toilet bowl. She's always there, you're always there. There's no escape. The sexual tension will die. Not advice necessarily specific to your situation, but overall in general -- have separate apartments until you are married, and can afford a spacious place together. You seem to know, instinctively, that cramming yourselves together into a small apartment will place you relationship in peril. So she's allowed to use her body to be intimate with him, but she's not allowed any natural bodily functions?
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