preraph Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 Oh no, do not let her move in with you until she finds a place or you will never be rid of her and she will never contribute to the rent and expenses. With all due respect to whoever suggested that, that is a horrible idea. You know you do not want to live with her so tell her you're not going to live together. you did offer her the alternative of a two-bedroom apartment and she doesn't want to live with you bad enough to pay whatever she thinks would be extra. which I guess that means the apartment she has now is probably the cheapest one she will ever see again but that will be her problem not yours. Apartments should not be that scarce right now given all that's going on. Just pull the plug. It isn't as if you didn't give her a good alternative and she turned it down and it sounds like it's all about money, so let her go live on her own or find a different roommate. 1
Miss Spider Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) The bottom line is that it’s making you uncomfortable. You realize that you do not even have to justify it. You’re allowed your feelings on it for any reason. You will be living there too. It should be respected and it WOULD be respected by someone who cared a lot that you are happy in the place you both share Nay, it’s too cramped. Also she has an opposite schedule and is going to work out... in the tiny kitchen? . There’s going to rustle and bustle while you sleep. There’s going to be a lot of toe-steppage. People go crazy confined when they are a type that needs space Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
Author steadyaswego Posted May 26, 2020 Author Posted May 26, 2020 1 minute ago, rjc149 said: I think the problem is that she doesn't know you, or she doesn't respect your needs for space. I think you need to make this clear to her, exactly the way you're making it clear here. This is also why I cannot live with a girlfriend -- the expectations for closeness and constant communication increase tremendously and become a burden. She knows I need my alone time, and generally she has been respectful of it over the years. My worry is how that will work if she does move in with me. The only place either of us will be able to go is in the bedroom and close the door. That's doable, sure, but will that be fun after a few weeks of that? I think the biggest issue is that she has a very optimistic view of how moving in together will go and is operating on best case scenario. At this stage, my best route is to offer to let her stay with me until she finds somewhere to go. That would be the right thing for me to do given the situation I now find myself. I don't think she will find anywhere to move in the next few days.
Author steadyaswego Posted May 26, 2020 Author Posted May 26, 2020 2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: The bottom line is that it’s making you uncomfortable. You realize that you do not even have to justify it. You’re allowed your feelings on it for any reason. You will be living there too. It should be respected and it WOULD be respected by someone who cared a lot that you are happy in the place you both share Nay, it’s too cramped. Also she has an opposite schedule and is going to work out... in the tiny kitchen? . There’s going to rustle and bustle while you sleep. It’s going to be a lot of toe steppage. People get antsy when they are a type that need space Right. I'd be less concerned about this if the world was in a normal state, but it is not. We can't socialize like we once did, we can't travel like we once did and we can't even go to the gym like we once did. None of this was an issue when we discussed living together in the summer of 2019.
Author steadyaswego Posted May 26, 2020 Author Posted May 26, 2020 4 minutes ago, preraph said: Oh no, do not let her move in with you until she finds a place or you will never be rid of her and she will never contribute to the rent and expenses. With all due respect to whoever suggested that, that is a horrible idea. You know you do not want to live with her so tell her you're not going to live together. you did offer her the alternative of a two-bedroom apartment and she doesn't want to live with you bad enough to pay whatever she thinks would be extra. which I guess that means the apartment she has now is probably the cheapest one she will ever see again but that will be her problem not yours. Apartments should not be that scarce right now given all that's going on. Just pull the plug. It isn't as if you didn't give her a good alternative and she turned it down and it sounds like it's all about money, so let her go live on her own or find a different roommate. The only downside of the 2 bedroom is she will be signing onto the lease with me, which makes it even more difficult if we do fail living together. So that alternative has its own cons, but yes, she did turn down that possibility. Offering to house her while she finds a place is doing right by her because I waited too long to give her my true feelings on the matter. I don't want to throw her out on her own and risk damaging our relationship permanently. But I know letting her stay with me also comes with risks that she won't ever want to leave.
rjc149 Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 3 minutes ago, steadyaswego said: She knows I need my alone time, and generally she has been respectful of it over the years. My worry is how that will work if she does move in with me. If she's anxiously attached, her expectations for communication will increase, because you're always there. She will take your need for alone time as needing time away from her, which she may interpret as distancing. It's sort of like how all this text game crap simply didn't exist and cause dating anxiety back when we were calling landlines and leaving messages on answering machines, but now the expectations for communication are totally different, because we've always got this device on us. 6 minutes ago, steadyaswego said: At this stage, my best route is to offer to let her stay with me until she finds somewhere to go. That would be the right thing for me to do given the situation I now find myself. I agree. You've got the right idea. I hope it works out for you guys. 1
poppyfields Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, rjc149 said: This is also why I cannot live with a girlfriend -- the expectations for closeness and constant communication increase tremendously and become a burden. rjc, I hear ya but it doesn’t always have to be that way. Not all women are like what you describe. But you are an admitted avoidant so you probably attract the clingers. That’s how it seems to work more times than not. Not to tell you what you need because I am sure you already know that yourself, but a more independent girl who is still feminine and girly but who also has her own life and interests and requires her own space would be well suited for you me thinks. A woman who doesn’t need constant communication, reassurance and closeness cause YES I could definitely see how that would become overwhelming and a burden. Even for those who are NOT avoidants. Edited May 26, 2020 by poppyfields 1
rjc149 Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 19 minutes ago, preraph said: Oh no, do not let her move in with you until she finds a place or you will never be rid of her and she will never contribute to the rent and expenses. I think leaving her hanging out to dry on this would plant a seed of resentment, that would grow into contempt. I've seen a failed move-in attempt sour an engagement. It wasn't the only issue of course, but it was definitely a nail in the coffin. Or, maybe this is simply hastening the growing incompatibility on what each wants from this relationship. 1
smackie9 Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, steadyaswego said: It's hard to know because she has not found a one bedroom place for herself to compare. All of her options so far have fallen through or been scams. But if she does not agree to re-locate to a 2 bedroom apartment, I am stuck or I will have to ask her to leave. She will need to be on the lease for a 2 bedroom while I am the only one on the lease in the one bedroom. That's it right there....she's making sure there's an exit if things don't fly right. Her name not on the lease, she can bail at anytime. Edited May 26, 2020 by smackie9 1
Miss Spider Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, smackie9 said: That's it right there....she's making sure there's an exit if things don't fly right. Her name not on the lease, she can bail at anytime. MTE ... I’ve moved in with bfs but i I could grab my stuff and dip any time if it didn’t work . I’d be way more cautious if I was signing a lease Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough
poppyfields Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) 36 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: The bottom line is that it’s making you uncomfortable. You realize that you do not even have to justify it. You’re allowed your feelings on it for any reason. You will be living there too. It should be respected and it WOULD be respected by someone who cared a lot that you are happy in the place you both share Nay, it’s too cramped. Also she has an opposite schedule and is going to work out... in the tiny kitchen? . There’s going to rustle and bustle while you sleep. There’s going to be a lot of toe-steppage. People go crazy confined when they are a type that needs space 100% this^! Why can't you be honest with her? Your reasons are perfectly legit and will be the kiss of death to your relationship. The two bedroom sounds like a fair compromise, but if she's not open to it, then she will have to scurry up and find her own. Edited May 26, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Calmandfocused Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 Op, this issue aside, are you sure you want to be in this relationship? Is it really about the cramped space or is it more about your fear of committing to the relationship? I can empathise with your girlfriends position. She’s been with you for 2 years, it’s only natural for her to want to take the next step by living together. Maybe she’s under the impression that you want the same? There nothing wrong with her wanting to take the relationship to the next level. I’m also wondering whether her argument regarding cost saving isn’t coming from a selfish place. Instead she’s thinking about saving you both money as a couple for your future. Is this a possibility? Either way if you really don’t want to live together you need to be upfront and honest about this. It sounds like your girlfriend doesn’t have a clue that you feel how you do and it’s only fair that she knows this so she can make her own informed choices. 1
Miss Spider Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Op, this issue aside, are you sure you want to be in this relationship? Is it really about the cramped space or is it more about your fear of committing to the relationship? IEither Yea but I think he’s suggesting they sign a lease together for a 2br apartment Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough
poppyfields Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) Hmm, the way I read it is OP does want to live together which is why he proposed the two bedroom. C&F, have you read what it will be like for them living so cramped in his one bedroom? I sure wouldn't want to live like that no matter how in love I am. Edited May 26, 2020 by poppyfields 2
lana-banana Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 As a 4-AM-rising, first-thing-in-the-morning exerciser with a goes-to-bed-at-2 AM husband, let me tell you: you need separate spaces. The alternative is chaos. If there's anything we've learned in this pandemic it's that physical space is genuinely important for people to feel boundaries, especially if she's full-time remote. I am baffled that she's being so irrational as to prefer the thought of her own small space (which would ultimately be more than a 2-bedroom, to say nothing of the cost of extra utilities, parking etc) rather than live more comfortably with you. Sure, these are precarious times, but breaking an apartment lease isn't that difficult. Is there some other fear she has that she isn't telling you about? Getting a 2-bedroom apartment is not wasting money, it's literally an investment in the future of your relationship. Tell her that you want a 2-bedroom because you want to give your relationship the best possible shot at turning into something lasting. If that doesn't do the trick, you might as well call it quits now. 1
Miss Spider Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 (edited) @steadyaswego It can be hard, depending... it’s a contract.. Especially considering her reasoning is penny pinching, it is ideal for her to come join you in your cramped apartment. She’ll save money and potential hassle. Things go south and worst case scenario she’ll be in the same spot looking for a place. Definitely smart to think twice about her moving in with you. You could be miserable, things could go south in your relationship, and you might have to have her leave. . You must put your foot down now and tell her what’s up/ not waver your position on things. Edited May 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Lotsgoingon Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 Hmmmmm ... the times when a couple thinks a space is too small ... hmmmmm ... I don't think this is at all about money and number of bedrooms in an apartment. You are afraid to tell her your feelings about moving in. Your inability to tell her this ... means something in the relationship is wildly off. You're basically trying to lie to her by not telling her your true feelings. If you really think she is so pathetic that she will collapse if she can't live with you, then you have zero respect for her. And you don't stay in a relationship ...just because you've been in a relationship. That seems to be your logic here. You want to end the relationship, it seems ... You don't want her to move in with you ... but you don't want to tell her either of these elephant-in-the-room truths. 1
healing light Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 4 hours ago, steadyaswego said: The problem is, I know myself. I know I like time alone. I know I enjoy nights alone when I can unwind from the work week without having to talk to someone all night. Have you told her this explicitly? Better to state it now and set expectations than to be invaded upon and trying to back track. I'm also a space person and an insomniac. Having someone making noise before the crack of dawn if you can't sleep through it and/or she has expectations that you get up already is hugeeee. I would talk to her about these very real concerns of why it needs to be a 2 bedroom place. Or her temporarily staying until she finds the space that's right for her. Set some ground rules.
healing light Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 5 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: You are afraid to tell her your feelings about moving in. Your inability to tell her this ... means something in the relationship is wildly off. Agree with this--should not have to worry about walking on eggshells when laying out your needs. That you're so anxious you're not eating or sleeping over this is another red flag. And I'd let her know it's bothering you to that degree. That the financial inconvenience pales in comparison to the amount of stress living in a cramped space together is causing you. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 I have done everything but firmly tell her she cannot move in with me. I feel like if I tell her that, I am essentially abandoning her and given we have been together for 2 years, I feel like that would be unfair and reflect poorly on me as someone who is afraid of commitment and cannot be relied on. There is no "unfair" in relationships outside of cheating and lying and manipulating or abusing. People change their minds all the time in relationships and you have the right to change your mind about living together. "Reflect poorly" on you---to whom? ... in whose eyes? ... and who cares? ... The world doesn't care whether you move in with this woman or not. Lying through omission reflects poorly on you. Telling someone the truth that you don't feel comfortable moving would be integrity. You're confusing avoiding confrontation with goodness and kindness and a good relationship. Those are not the same. In a good relationship, there will be some arguments and strong disagreements. If you guys are not arguing at all, then one or both of you is asleep at the will. 3
deepthinking Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 "She finds herself working remotely permanently, until at least 2021" Sorry, but life is getting back to normal prior to that, from June, starting with some schools, they will resume. I have not heard one projection into 2021. I am in the UK, maybe it's just me here... mmm
Calmandfocused Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 8 hours ago, poppyfields said: Hmm, the way I read it is OP does want to live together which is why he proposed the two bedroom. C&F, have you read what it will be like for them living so cramped in his one bedroom? I sure wouldn't want to live like that no matter how in love I am. Yes I did read it poppy. I’m simply advising the op to consider whether there’s other factors coming into play here and to reflect on the bigger picture. Not everything is black or white. The op already acknowledges that many couples live together in cramped spaces, especially in large cities, usually because the cost of living is so high. Is it because he doesn’t want to cramp up with someone in his small flat or does he not want to cramp up with her? Only the op knows the answer to that. Where there is a will there’s usually a way ... or a compromise. 1
manfrombelow Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 Most of the time, the moment a couple starts to move in together, any sexual tension and attraction between them gradually perishes. When two people, with two totally different backgrounds in almost everything, live together, especially in such a small area like an apartment, the law of attration stops working right then and there. That's why cohabitation, at least to me, is not a good idea.
Author steadyaswego Posted May 27, 2020 Author Posted May 27, 2020 I have told her all of this, guys. I am amazed she still is pushing to go through with it. At this point, I don't understand it. It's like she wants to live in misery with me so long as she is saving money and living in an area of town she wants to live in. She isn't factoring our relationship going sour into any of her thought process. And yes, I was all for living with each other. I had agreed to it last summer, but the world is different now and I have realized cramming ourselves into a tiny space where at least one of us, and maybe two, will be working from home/working out from home is a recipe for disaster. On top of that, our activities and social lives outside of home are much slower than they had been pre-pandemic. However, she does not want a two bedroom and cites it as being too expensive. I am faced with a choice of letting her move in and just watching us fall apart organically (and hoping she leaves quietly) or telling her she can stay with me but cannot live there indefinitely. 1
poppyfields Posted May 27, 2020 Posted May 27, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Yes I did read it poppy. I’m simply advising the op to consider whether there’s other factors coming into play here and to reflect on the bigger picture. Not everything is black or white. The op already acknowledges that many couples live together in cramped spaces, especially in large cities, usually because the cost of living is so high. Is it because he doesn’t want to cramp up with someone in his small flat or does he not want to cramp up with her? Only the op knows the answer to that. Where there is a will there’s usually a way ... or a compromise. Fair point C&F.. Perhaps OP has some underlying fear of commitment or something he may not even be aware of, it's possible. It would be interesting to see how OP feels if/when his gf ever agreed to the 2 bedroom. If he would still feel anxious. OP, have you ever lived with a gf before? Been in a long term committed relationship? Edited May 27, 2020 by poppyfields
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