Moving in together in a week, feeling very uneasy

May 26, 2020

I am in a bit of a bind and need some help. I am not sure what to do, and I am to the point now where I am not eating or sleeping in anticipation of this. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years as of this month. We discussed moving in together last year when her lease ended in summer 2020. I moved to a small flat in our city in February with the expectation that she'd join me when hers also was up. The pandemic then hit and we both found ourselves working and spending all of our time at home, separately, which still seeing each other on weekends and 2-3 nights a week for dinner.

She finds herself working remotely permanently, until at least 2021, and I am back and forth from my office as we slowly re-open. She is unable to go to her exercise classes and currently attends them remotely in her kitchen at very early hours of the morning.

The flat she will be moving into is very small. We have 1 bedroom and a kitchen and small living area. The living area backs up to the bedroom which has thin walls and you can hear everything. Her sleeping schedule is the opposite of mine (I go to bed late/she goes to bed early and wakes up before dawn to exercise). I am beginning to think this adjustment is going to be too much for me to handle right now.

I shared with her my fears and reservations about this. She began looking at places to move on her own the last 2 weeks, but so far she has not found anything. I suggested we look at 2 bedroom apartments in the building I am living in, but she said she did not want to spend the extra money. She is making this decision purely a financial one, and keeps saying she does not want to spend more money living with me than she would living alone. She's worried about the economy and saving money. I have done everything but firmly tell her she cannot move in with me. I feel like if I tell her that, I am essentially abandoning her and given we have been together for 2 years, I feel like that would be unfair and reflect poorly on me as someone who is afraid of commitment and cannot be relied on.

Our relationship outside of this move in has been wonderful. We tend to rarely fight and seem to understand each other. I worry we are going to destroy a good situation right now by trying to handle a move in on top of all the other uncertainty in the world. Am I overthinking this?

May 26, 2020

She's not making any sense. A two bedroom, and you two sharing expense like utilities, wifi food etc would save money more so than her getting an apartment on her own. I think she's being silly. If you guys can't find something RIGHT NOW, give it another month....just have to put up with some inconvenience for a few more weeks.

As for the uncertainty of the world...the government has got this....just follow the guidelines until they get a vaccine, that's all you have to be concerned about. It's not the zombie apocalypse. Hell WW II was waaaay waaaay worse than this and that went on for years.

Edited May 26, 2020 by smackie9

May 26, 2020

18 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

She's not making any sense. A two bedroom, and you two sharing expense like utilities, wifi food etc would save money more so than her getting an apartment on her own. I think she's being silly. If you guys can't find something RIGHT NOW, give it another month....just have to put up with some inconvenience for a few more weeks.

As for the uncertainty of the world...the government has got this....just follow the guidelines until they get a vaccine, that's all you have to be concerned about. It's not the zombie apocalypse. Hell WW II was waaaay waaaay worse than this and that went on for years.

I don't follow her logic on that either, but when I floated the idea of getting a two bedroom, which will be an easy process according to the property manager, she just said she was not going to pay more to live with me than if we lived alone.

Perhaps she will change her mind if we do live in the 1 bedroom and she realizes how difficult it is. The only risk is, if we move, we both will need to sign the lease, and right now, she wants to avoid being tied to a lease together in the event we don't like living together.

May 26, 2020

5 minutes ago, steadyaswego said:

I don't follow her logic on that either, but when I floated the idea of getting a two bedroom, which will be an easy process according to the property manager, she just said she was not going to pay more to live with me than if we lived alone.

So what I get from this is given the choice between living with you and living on her own, if the rent is essentially the same, she would prefer to live alone.

Nice.

May 26, 2020

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

So what I get from this is given the choice between living with you and living on her own, if the rent is essentially the same, she would prefer to live alone.

Nice.

Yep. She has been the one pushing the moving more so than me. I guess it has always been about saving money more than anything else. Now, we are down to the wire and she either moves in with me knowing she is only doing it to save on rent or I tell her flat out I don't want to live together and risk damaging our relationship.

May 26, 2020

You do have a say in this matter it's not solely her decision to make. Her things along with yours you are simply going to need more living space for all practicability and breathing room.

May 26, 2020

Cohabitation is the great killer of wonderful relationships.

And it sounds like you're already on different pages in terms of very keys things, like your sleeping schedules and money habits.

Add in having to listen to her slam a massive dump after enchilada night and reeking up your small apartment, and her getting really fed up with the dried and hardened yellow droplets of your piss on the rim of the toilet bowl. She's always there, you're always there. There's no escape. The sexual tension will die.

Not advice necessarily specific to your situation, but overall in general -- have separate apartments until you are married, and can afford a spacious place together. You seem to know, instinctively, that cramming yourselves together into a small apartment will place you relationship in peril.

May 26, 2020

16 minutes ago, steadyaswego said:

Now, we are down to the wire and she either moves in with me knowing she is only doing it to save on rent or I tell her flat out I don't want to live together and risk damaging our relationship.

I think SHE is the one damaging the relationship given the fact the only reason she wants to live with you is to save money. Which is quite obvious.

Why would you want to live with her knowing this? It's insulting. Like you're some meal ticket or something.

Your call.

May 26, 2020

5 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Cohabitation is the great killer of wonderful relationships.

And it sounds like you're already on different pages in terms of very keys things, like your sleeping schedules and money habits.

Add in having to listen to her slam a massive dump after enchilada night and reeking up your small apartment, and her getting really fed up with the dried and hardened yellow droplets of your piss on the rim of the toilet bowl. She's always there, you're always there. There's no escape. The sexual tension will die.

Not advice necessarily specific to your situation, but overall in general -- have separate apartments until you are married, and can afford a spacious place together. You seem to know, instinctively, that cramming yourselves together into a small apartment will place you relationship in peril.

I have already told her most of what you said. That things were going well and I was afraid we will ruin them right now - that the future is very uncertain and I am concerned about the time I will have to myself with both of us crammed into a small space. And that I worry I will be sick of her within the first month of living together. I did everything but tell her she cannot move in with me for the reasons I stated earlier. I made a mistake by waiting too long to tell her my feelings and only gave her roughly 3 weeks to find a place.

The biggest issue now is, she is only looking at a specific area of town, close to me, where rents are higher and availability is low. I suppose, worst case, she moves in and we hate it, and she ends up leaving in a month. Of course, I expect we'll break up at that point too.

May 26, 2020

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I think SHE is the one damaging the relationship given the fact the only reason she wants to live with you is to save money. Which is quite obvious.

Why would you want to live with her knowing this? It's insulting. Like you're some meal ticket or something.

Your call.

It does make me uneasy. She went from telling me it was her dream to live together to telling me only if it allowed her to save money. I really did not want to do it for the money.

May 26, 2020

3 minutes ago, steadyaswego said:

I made a mistake by waiting too long to tell her my feelings and only gave her roughly 3 weeks to find a place.

Yes you messed up by not being more decisive and assertive about your wishes from the get go, but there's a way back from this.

The road back from getting fed up with each other and losing sexual attraction is much longer and harder.

May 26, 2020

Well do you know if it would be more of an expense for her to move in with you in the type of place you’d be into?

47 minutes ago, steadyaswego said:

I don't follow her logic on that either, but when I floated the idea of getting a two bedroom, which will be an easy process according to the property manager, she just said she was not going to pay more to live with me than if we lived alone.

Perhaps she will change her mind if we do live in the 1 bedroom and she realizes how difficult it is. The only risk is, if we move, we both will need to sign the lease, and right now, she wants to avoid being tied to a lease together in the event we don't like living together.

Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 26, 2020

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Well do you know if it would be more of an expense for her to move in with you in the type of place you’d be into?

It's hard to know because she has not found a one bedroom place for herself to compare. All of her options so far have fallen through or been scams. But if she does not agree to re-locate to a 2 bedroom apartment, I am stuck or I will have to ask her to leave. She will need to be on the lease for a 2 bedroom while I am the only one on the lease in the one bedroom.

May 26, 2020

11 minutes ago, steadyaswego said:

I suppose, worst case, she moves in and we hate it, and she ends up leaving in a month. Of course, I expect we'll break up at that point too.

Count on it.

May 26, 2020

5 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Yes you messed up by not being more decisive and assertive about your wishes from the get go, but there's a way back from this.

The road back from getting fed up with each other and losing sexual attraction is much longer and harder.

That I know. We both agree that it is unlikely she will move out in the future and we stay together. I feel bad I have put her in a position now where she has less than a week to find a place and has struck out on all her options. But I know that is something I need to get over or I will risk losing the relationship entirely.

May 26, 2020

1 minute ago, rjc149 said:

Count on it.

This is a possibility I have discussed with her. She seems to have no doubt that we will be happy living together and it will be an easy transition. I feel like I am the only one facing the realities of what may happen if/when we do this move in.

May 26, 2020

Oh I see. Thanks. Well then I have to agree that she’s only saying that because she wants to live in the smaller place and save the money, plus if you think about it you are the only one here that would be stuck. She wants her way even if it’s at the expense of your needs. If you stick to your guns she might bend, but sounds like your rship isn’t that strong so she might also break ...

Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 26, 2020

8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Oh I see. Thanks. Well then I have to agree that she’s only saying that because she wants to live in the smaller place and save the money, plus if you think about it you are the only one here that would be stuck. She wants her way even if it’s at the expense of your needs. If you stick to your guns she might bend, but sounds like your rship isn’t that strong so she might also break ...

I don't know. I don't think she's being malicious with her actions. She seems to genuinely believe we are strong enough to weather everything, even living in a cramped one bedroom apartment when the risk of both of us working from home in that small space is very real.

May 26, 2020

Not malicious... just getting her way/doing what’s in her own self interest ...without much concern for yours

meaningwhilr you’re willing to risk /compromise your own self interest to possibly make this cohabitation work

I would never do that on important matters such as living arrangement .. just me

Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 26, 2020

15 minutes ago, steadyaswego said:

That I know. We both agree that it is unlikely she will move out in the future and we stay together. I feel bad I have put her in a position now where she has less than a week to find a place and has struck out on all her options. But I know that is something I need to get over or I will risk losing the relationship entirely.

What I would do, is let her stay with you rent-free while she finds a new place of her own. Pay for her storage locker if needed to keep her crap while she hunts for an apartment. I think you've got a bit of responsibility for her on this, and I also think you can use this as opportunity to step up.

When she finds one, go above and beyond in helping her move. Do the heavy lifting, and order the pizza when it's over. Make it as easy for her as you can.

This is a test of your relationship. If it was meant to be, it will withstand this. If it wasn't, then you're dealing with an ex girlfriend on your apartment lease. Not a good place to be.

A lot of people feel that the next natural step for a long-term relationship is moving in together, as if the logic is "we like each other, so let's cement our bond by being in each other's personal space 25 hours a day 8 days a week!" See how that's loopy?

May 26, 2020

2 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

What I would do, is let her stay with you rent-free while she finds a new place of her own. Pay for her storage locker if needed to keep her crap while she hunts for an apartment. I think you've got a bit of responsibility for her on this, and I also think you can use this as opportunity to step up.

When she finds one, go above and beyond in helping her move. Do the heavy lifting, and order the pizza when it's over. Make it as easy for her as you can.

This is a test of your relationship. If it was meant to be, it will withstand this. If it wasn't, then you're dealing with an ex girlfriend on your apartment lease. Not a good place to be.

A lot of people feel that the next natural step for a long-term relationship is moving in together, as if the logic is "we like each other, so let's cement our bond by being in each other's personal space 25 hours a day 8 days a week!" See how that's loopy?

I'm not disagreeing with you, and I have considered offering to let her simply stay with me until she finds a place. I just worry she won't want to leave and won't try to find a place in the interim. She is already planning to store a lot of her things and would basically be moving a table and a sofa into my space so we don't have to sit on the same sofa 24/7. I am totally fine paying if she does move out at a later time.

She likes to point at other couples that live in tiny apartments in other cities as examples of why I should not be worried. I know friends who have been able to do that and others that have failed. The problem is, I know myself. I know I like time alone. I know I enjoy nights alone when I can unwind from the work week without having to talk to someone all night. And I know all of that will go away if she moves in permanently. Either way, I am going to avoid having her sign onto my lease as best I can. She understands it and agrees with that decision. At least we can see eye to eye on that.

May 26, 2020

10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Not malicious... just getting her way/doing what’s in her own self interest ...without much concern for yours

meaningwhilr you’re willing to risk /compromise your own self interest to possibly make this cohabitation work

I would never do that on important matters such as living arrangement .. just me

I think we both understand that it will take compromise to live together. What I don't know how to handle is if she moves in and things do go south, how we handle things. She's typically a very reserved person, so I am not too worried it would get ugly, but you never know sometimes.

May 26, 2020

I would be worried too if o were you

Listen to your gut

Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

May 26, 2020

4 minutes ago, steadyaswego said:

The problem is, I know myself. I know I like time alone. I know I enjoy nights alone when I can unwind from the work week without having to talk to someone all night. And I know all of that will go away if she moves in permanently.

I think the problem is that she doesn't know you, or she doesn't respect your needs for space. I think you need to make this clear to her, exactly the way you're making it clear here. This is also why I cannot live with a girlfriend -- the expectations for closeness and constant communication increase tremendously and become a burden.

May 26, 2020

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

So far you’re the one making the biggest if any compromises...

I would be worried too if o were you

Listen to your gut

For now, I agree, I would be making more of a compromise. I have no past experiences to base any of this on. This would be my first time living with a partner. My friends tell me it will be difficult sharing a small space, but most of them think we should do it because we have been dating for over 2 years now.

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Moving in together in a week, feeling very uneasy

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