blackbird_brokenwing Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 We’ve been together for over 1.5 years. We’ve had problems but they were mostly due to me and I started therapy and things have been so so so much better the last few months. Our relationship has been better than ever and we haven’t fought in a very long time. We are long distance but I don’t think that matters for this. We talk every single day, usually multiple times through the day. Always on the phone, sometimes by text in between. He always sends me a goodnight message every night before bed. In the 18+ months we’ve been together he’s maybe missed 5. He called me at lunch on Friday and we spoke and it was totally normal. He was happy and said he was having a really good day at work (work hasn’t been good for him recently). We didn’t speak the rest of the day and I kind of lost track of time because I was out of town helping my stepdad’s parents over the long weekend. So Friday night I message him saying I’m sorry I lost track of time and was he still up. Nothing. It’s extremely unusual for him to not send a good night message but I went to bed. I texted him Saturday morning and nothing. I called him, nothing. Finally early afternoon he told me he was outside washing his car. Okay... but are you alright? I asked. I mentioned it being strange he didn’t text me good night. It’s okay, just super unusual. He didn’t answer that. He finally said no he isn’t okay, he feels off and feels numb. He said he wasn’t mad at me and wasn’t punishing me with silence, and said he doesn’t play games like this (which he’s right, he doesn’t. Never has played games or used silence to punish me). I asked if he wanted me to call and talk and he said no, just wanted to be alone. So I left alone. Saturday night comes and goes, another night with no good night message. I text him Sunday morning and ask how he is doing. Nothing. I call, nothing. I finally “threaten” to reach out to his mom and have her go knock on his door and make sure he’s okay and he answers he doesn’t know what to tell me. He’s just numb and doesn’t want to talk. That was the last I heard from him, Sunday at 10am. It’s now Monday at 11pm. We never ever ever don’t talk like this. I was initially worried he’s suicidal or depressed but he is tweeting about NASCAR (his favorite thing) like nothing is wrong. I am really hurt. It’s now been nearly 4 solid days of essentially complete silence. We didn’t have a fight or anything. Things have been extremely well for us both lately and much better communication and happiness all around. I’m completely lost and just really hurt. What should I do? I’m kind of tired of chasing. I asked him Friday/Saturday/Sunday what was going on and he blew me off. I don’t want to be a little puppy just waiting around. But I just don’t know. Is he ghosting me? Our Facebook status is still “in a relationship” and he has me as his profile picture but I’m far too old to be needing those kind of gestures as proof of love. I just don’t understand AT ALL. Do I give him space and keep waiting? Please help.
Kballer Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 You can only give him space at this time. I know you probably don't want to hear it... But don't call him, or text him anymore unless he initiates. Maybe he is going through something that he is not sharing with you.. In that case, you can't help him (or he does not think you can help him) so he is not sharing that with you. Or... the time apart.. has allowed him to realize... that the bond was not as strong as you both thought it was and his attention is focused elsewhere. Yes.. Give him space and wait to see if he contacts you again. I'm sorry for your situation and hope that it works out for the both of you. The worse thing you can do right now is continue to pressure him to call, or text, you. If you want to lob a hail Mary.. Maybe arrange to go home and spend some quality time with him to remind him what is on the line. Or, have him come visit you, if he is willing to do so. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 @blackbird_broke, long distance does contribute to a dynamic that is often much less stable. It could be all kinds of things, but one thing it can also be is another, local, female interest, unfortunately. It is very enticing to readjust one's priorities from long distance to local when the opportunity becomes available. How often do you see each other physically? How far are you two? Keep the communication going for the next couple of days. "Good morning. Good night. I miss you and would love to talk," but his feeling numb, not wanting to talk may be guilt and/or avoidance. You see him tweeting about his favorite past-time NASCAR, but this could be his current escape or something else...
ShyViolet Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 Something about this seems off to me. I actually do think you should reach out to his mom and have her check on him and make sure he's ok. Just because he tweeted about nascar doesn't prove that he's not depressed or suicidal. I could be wrong but this feels like depression-related. Does he have a history of depression? If it turns out that he is ok, then the next conclusion is that he probably wants to break up. Maybe he is tired of doing the long distance thing, putting in so much effort day in and day out with no physical reward, no in-person intimacy. Then you should just have a direct, honest talk with him and say "Listen, if you want to break up then just tell me." 1
Miss Spider Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 It sounds like he is, tbh This sounds exactly like a slow fade. He seems like he has checked out but is afraid to tell you that 1
healing light Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 How often do you normally talk? I don't know, I'm someone who likes some space, so hearing that someone needs space would have me giving it to them in spades until they reach back out. Like, I wouldn't define "space" as threatening to hound his mom and still contacting him every day when he said he doesn't want to talk. I think the more you contact him against his wishes, the more likely it will be over. But it's up to you to decide what's acceptable and what works for you.
healing light Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) Disregard my comment asking how often you talk, just saw it already in your post. Edited May 26, 2020 by healing light
Calmandfocused Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) Give him his space. Don’t contact him and leave him alone. You’ve already made your position clear. If he doesn’t contact you after a week assume your relationship is over. Its good and healthy to have space and time for yourself in a relationship. What isn’t healthy is when you stop communicating with your partner and you emotionally hurt them in the process! This is exactly what he’s doing to you. If he does come back you will need to address this with him when the time comes. Treating you like he has with no explanation is not being considerate of your needs. Edited May 26, 2020 by Calmandfocused 2 1
healing light Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 9 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: What isn’t healthy is when you stop communicating with your partner and you emotionally hurt them in the process! This is exactly what he’s doing to you. But he has communicated with her. That he doesn't feel like talking right now. However, I agree with you that if he spaces out for longer than a week, then she should not hold up her life for him. 2
Miss Spider Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) I would like to know if op guy has a history of Depression that he talks about and if it’s characteristic for him to isolate when he’s feeling down? The active tweeting is the biggest thing that causes me to think this is a case of fading to ghost. If that’s true, it’s kind of messed up particularly because he is leading her to believe he’s struggling/making her worry. But that could be the only excuse he can give at the moment to put her on hold and continue his fade and there may be an element of truth in it(he is struggling because he feels guilty) Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough
smackie9 Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 When my ex did this to me, it was because he "accidentally" fell into someone's vajayjay. 2
Author blackbird_brokenwing Posted May 26, 2020 Author Posted May 26, 2020 He just texted me this. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what wrong with me. I just feel no love. I don’t feel like I can be loved and I don’t feel like I can give any. I feel so lost and weird. It’s not fair to you. I don’t know what to do. I just feel like I need some time to figure out what’s wrong with me. I just feel to useless. I’m so sorry if I’m hurting you. You don’t deserve that. I thought this txt would be easier to share my thoughts but clearly not. I just feel numb.”
poppyfields Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) 22 minutes ago, blackbird_brokenwing said: He just texted me this. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what wrong with me. I just feel no love. I don’t feel like I can be loved and I don’t feel like I can give any. I feel so lost and weird. It’s not fair to you. I don’t know what to do. I just feel like I need some time to figure out what’s wrong with me. I just feel to useless. I’m so sorry if I’m hurting you. You don’t deserve that. I thought this txt would be easier to share my thoughts but clearly not. I just feel numb.” Yeah cookies was right. Slow fade to it's over, he's just not feeling it. He is trying to soften it by blaming it on him feeling useless, sounding like depression or something. I'm not buying it, and you shouldn't either. He wouldn't be active on SM acting "normal" playing his NASCAR game if that were the case. I think it's possible he has taken a fancy to another woman. I would not rule that out. OP, this is your cue to wish him well, and good luck. Then take steps to move on, I'm sorry. Edited May 26, 2020 by poppyfields 1
rjc149 Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 10 minutes ago, blackbird_brokenwing said: He just texted me this. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what wrong with me. I just feel no love. I don’t feel like I can be loved and I don’t feel like I can give any. I feel so lost and weird. It’s not fair to you. I don’t know what to do. I just feel like I need some time to figure out what’s wrong with me. I just feel to useless. I’m so sorry if I’m hurting you. You don’t deserve that. I thought this txt would be easier to share my thoughts but clearly not. I just feel numb.” I'm sorry, OP. This hurts. He is ending things with the cliche "it's not you, it's me." The reality is that for whatever reason, he lost attraction for you and in an LDR, it's usually because he met someone else. LDR's all have a looming, approaching expiration date. The appeal to date locally and have an in-the-flesh physical, sexual relationship outweigh the weakening emotional connection and the non-existent physical, sexual connection to the long-distance partner. What you do not want to do, is call him and try to "talk about it" or make this even more difficult. Say "that makes me really sad, but I understand, I respect your wishes, and I wish you the best." Then never contact him again. It's abrupt but you need to accept that this is over.
Miss Spider Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) Damn I’m sorry, op. And he’s still not being transparent. He can’t just say he lost interest in the relationship. Strong coward imo x we’re here if you need support. Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
simpycurious Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 24 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Yeah cookies was right. Slow fade to it's over, he's just not feeling it. He is trying to soften it by blaming it on him feeling useless, sounding like depression or something. I'm not buying it, and you shouldn't either. He wouldn't be active on SM acting "normal" playing his NASCAR game if that were the case. I think it's possible he has taken a fancy to another woman. I would not rule that out. OP, this is your cue to wish him well, and good luck. Then take steps to move on, I'm sorry. I think what he is doing is a little more than a "slow" fade. 8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Give him his space. Don’t contact him and leave him alone. You’ve already made your position clear. If he doesn’t contact you after a week assume your relationship is over. Its good and healthy to have space and time for yourself in a relationship. What isn’t healthy is when you stop communicating with your partner and you emotionally hurt them in the process! This is exactly what he’s doing to you. If he does come back you will need to address this with him when the time comes. Treating you like he has with no explanation is not being considerate of your needs. Don't give him space..........give him the BOOT. It's a DONE DEAL. 2 1
Miss Spider Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) Simpy it seems he was slow fading.. that’s when the communication becomes scant, so poppy was right? He lost interest in the relationship, but he didn’t know how to nicely pull the plug. He kept dragging it out with little crumb answers until he worked up the courage to end it. Even though his message was a bunch of sugar coated, I’m broken it’s me not you bs, he did not ghost. Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 I'm sorry, OP. That last message from him was a break-up message. It seems that you correctly sensed that he was checking out.
simpycurious Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 12 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Well simpy he was slow fading.. that’s when the communication becomes scant, so poppy was right. He lost interest in the relationship, but he didn’t know how to nicely pull the plug. He kept dragging it out with little crumb answers until he worked up the courage to end it. Even though his message was a bunch of sugar coated, I’m broken it’s me not you bs, he did not ghost. Apologies..........I stand corrected.
ShyViolet Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 56 minutes ago, blackbird_brokenwing said: He just texted me this. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what wrong with me. I just feel no love. I don’t feel like I can be loved and I don’t feel like I can give any. I feel so lost and weird. It’s not fair to you. I don’t know what to do. I just feel like I need some time to figure out what’s wrong with me. I just feel to useless. I’m so sorry if I’m hurting you. You don’t deserve that. I thought this txt would be easier to share my thoughts but clearly not. I just feel numb.” Ok well that's pretty definitive. It's over. I find it weird how he keeps saying "I don't know what's wrong with me... I feel so numb." That sounds like depression. But now it's not your problem or your place to worry about that. You need to just stop talking to him and move on. OR maybe those lines about being "numb" and "I don't know what's wrong with me" are lies and just his way of letting you down easy. 1
miranda561 Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, blackbird_brokenwing said: He just texted me this. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what wrong with me. I just feel no love. I don’t feel like I can be loved and I don’t feel like I can give any. I feel so lost and weird. It’s not fair to you. I don’t know what to do. I just feel like I need some time to figure out what’s wrong with me. I just feel to useless. I’m so sorry if I’m hurting you. You don’t deserve that. I thought this txt would be easier to share my thoughts but clearly not. I just feel numb.” He sounds depressed. I mean if hes just coming up with all that as a get out clause..its a bit sad really. But either way hes saying he can't give you anything. Best thing to do is tell him youre here if he needs anything. And get On with your own life Edited May 26, 2020 by miranda561
poppyfields Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) 18 minutes ago, miranda561 said: He sounds depressed. I mean if hes just coming up with all that as a get out clause..its a bit sad really. But either way hes saying he can't give you anything. Best thing to do is tell him youre here if he needs anything. And get On with your own life Being "depressed" is a very common excuse some guys use to get out of a RL. That way, his now ex can't be mad at him, she will feel sorry for him - awe, he is depressed, blah blah. It also softens the blow, but let's be real, if he were truly depressed, he would not be on SM having fun playing his NASCAR game. It's BS and again fairly common. I don't agree with telling him "you're here for him." He just dumped you! Wish him well and be DONE. Move on. Edited May 26, 2020 by poppyfields 1 1
miranda561 Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Being "depressed" is a very common excuse some guys use to get out of a RL. That way, his now ex can't be mad at him, she will feel sorry for him - awe, he is depressed, blah blah. It also softens the blow, but let's be real, if he were truly depressed, he would not be on SM having fun playing his NASCAR game. It's BS and again fairly common. I don't agree with telling him "you're here for him." He just dumped you! Wish him well and be DONE. Move on. People actually lie about a serious mental illness. Makes me wonder now . I just said on the off chance he genuinely is depressed to say it. Because you never know. And playing a game doesn't show certainty tht someone isnt feeling certain type of way. People try to cope in all sorts of different ways. I had a friend who would come to the gym!! And i knew for a fact she was on medication and stuff. Edited May 26, 2020 by miranda561
poppyfields Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) miranda, you shock easily don't you, LoL. A few more years, a few more experiences, you won't so much. I hear ya re mental illness but it's not what's happening here. Again he would not be on SM having fun with his friends playing NASCAR. Given everything posted, that narrative just isn't jiving. Edited May 26, 2020 by poppyfields 1 1
smackie9 Posted May 26, 2020 Posted May 26, 2020 He didn't have the decency to call you....he hides his guilty butt behind a text message. What a jerk. 1
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