sadfish Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 If you've realised the errors of your ways, sorted out what went wrong in your ex relationship, have been taking measures to find yourself again/prevent the same pattern--do you think you can honestly redeem yourself to your ex, enough for a second chance? My ex and i are talking again, and i finally get it...i finally understand why he broke up with me, what i did to basically cause it on some small levels, and i am taking steps within my own life to work on those for the future in *any* type of relationship, be it romantic, friendship, or even work related. I still don't exactly understand why he is so adamant that we are friends since he has pretty much moved on with someone else. I am taking this time now for ME, no one else...i've hit that point where i'm just not interested in anything from anyone--not in a bitter and/or angry way either, but more in a general sense. The thought of a date with someone simply annoys me *lol* I know it will pass and it's part of the process. My question is though, what can one do to "erase" that impression that one's ex might have of them, and can the dumpee find redemption for a second chance? Or is it even possible for that matter? Is it just something that if a friendship is maintained that over time the ex might see the dumpee in a new light, forging a stronger friendship and maybe opening that door again--or are there steps to take? Don't get me wrong, i'm not going to wait around for this to happen with him--i fully intend on dating new people soon enough (once i feel sorted out )--but i'm curious if it has happened for anyone here, and what one can/should do... Thanks and sorry if it doesn't make sense, i'm finding it hard to articulate what i really wanted to say/ask...so bear with me
RecordProducer Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 I believe you can somehow prove that you have realized your errors from the past and are determined to work on yourself and not repeat them. You can do this both verbally and show it with actions. It's good that he wants to be friends with you so you actually have the chance to prove this. In any case, be nice to him, but keep the self-respect.
slubberdegullion Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 I'd like to share a very short story that goes along with the original post. After being on the road for a dozen years, I finally returned to my home town to stay. My relief at finally being "home" was bittersweet, though, because I know I had made some dreadful mistakes in some past relationships. For all I know, those people were still carrying grudges. So, one by one, I tracked them down and took them out to lunch or dinner or just had a pint or two at the local pub. During our time together, I would tell them a little bit about my previous dozen years, then get to the point: that I had realized, through my experiences with others and through my own maturing process, that I had wronged them. My apologies were specific and tear-less. It was important for them to realize that I was sincere, and it was not a manipulative ploy to assuage my own conscience at whatever cost. To a person, they all had remembered the particulars that had hurt them, and to a person, they all were appreciative of the fact that I had tracked them down and apologized. Some of us remain friends, others have moved on, and I accept that as the natural process of life. Now, there were a couple of ex's involved, but they are married now so there was no possibility of any sort of rekindled romantic entanglement. But, to me, the point is that learning of one's own issues and then moving forward to clear them is always a positive step, whether or not it means a second chance.
Author sadfish Posted October 10, 2005 Author Posted October 10, 2005 slubberdegullion, i kept picturing you as John Cusack there in High Fidelity I know it's probably a form of closure as well, for each party, to hear an explanation about one's behavior or a particular situation. I know that i wouldn't mind hearing from a few ex's/friends about certain things! I think it speaks volumes about how people CAN and DO change, how we impact someone's life, and how it impacts us equally. I've always tried to be upfront and honest with where i am coming from with people, my family, my friends, my lovers...it just makes the most sense to me. Ironically though, i've discovered that in the case of lovers, it can be a bad thing. I'd like nothing more than to be able to erase the past 4 months of my relationship with my ex--1 month while still together, the other 3 this break up. Honestly, some days i don't know why or how he still wants to talk to me, i seemed to do everything wrong in the "how to break up gracefully with dignity" book *lol* At least i can laugh about it, but what i wouldn't give to just be able to assure him that i didn't know what i was doing, and that what he has witnessed and experienced isn't truly me--it was me reacting to a very intense situation with fear and frustration, and therefore overemotion. That did me in, and now i'm scared that he will always see me as such, never thinking of me in any other light, never having the thought cross his mind that he'd want a second chance with us, that the emotion over-reactions are "all" that i'm about. *sigh* I am a good friend to people, i am compassionate (my obvious downfall, i guess), i am loyal, and i am spontaneous, but i am also independent and don't "need" a man to make me happy or to survive--so how do i get him to recall and see those things about me, burying the emotional overload/confused/frustrated monster that he came to know? I mean, i guess he has looked past it in some ways because we are still trying to build this friendship, but do you think there might be anything else i could do?
slubberdegullion Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 slubberdegullion, i kept picturing you as John Cusack there in High Fidelity One of my all-time favourite movies!
Art_Critic Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 If you've realised the errors of your ways, sorted out what went wrong in your ex relationship, have been taking measures to find yourself again/prevent the same pattern--do you think you can honestly redeem yourself to your ex, enough for a second chance? I think in order to be sucessful to start with you have to have an audience. In my case the audience was gone and didn't want to listen.
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