healing light Posted May 23, 2020 Posted May 23, 2020 24 minutes ago, Wanderlust2018 said: Yes, it would come up in just your average and routine everyday type conversation..:sharing something about my past, an experience from the past or from the day, or something from my day at work. This would get old for me quick. It would make me feel as if she was begrudging my life or accomplishments rather than being on the same team with me and resenting me on some level for being lighter skinned than her. I'm assuming she must be referring to "passable" white privilege. No one is born into this world with the same slate of opportunities, imo, and of course there are different stressors and advantages that people will experience depending on their race (and a lot of other factors!). But to filter everyday incidents through this lens continuously would make me feel like she wasn't looking at me as a partner or what I may bring to the table to celebrate my successes, but rather in a narrow, one dimensional way that didn't give me the benefit of the doubt or attribute any positive qualities I had to the goals I might achieve. It would come across to me like there was a chip on her shoulder that I could never do anything about that would prevent her from being fully happy for me, that I needed to apologize or owed her something in her eyes for something I can't control. 1
Author Wanderlust2018 Posted May 24, 2020 Author Posted May 24, 2020 1 hour ago, healing light said: This would get old for me quick. It would make me feel as if she was begrudging my life or accomplishments rather than being on the same team with me and resenting me on some level for being lighter skinned than her. I'm assuming she must be referring to "passable" white privilege. No one is born into this world with the same slate of opportunities, imo, and of course there are different stressors and advantages that people will experience depending on their race (and a lot of other factors!). But to filter everyday incidents through this lens continuously would make me feel like she wasn't looking at me as a partner or what I may bring to the table to celebrate my successes, but rather in a narrow, one dimensional way that didn't give me the benefit of the doubt or attribute any positive qualities I had to the goals I might achieve. It would come across to me like there was a chip on her shoulder that I could never do anything about that would prevent her from being fully happy for me, that I needed to apologize or owed her something in her eyes for something I can't control. You summed up a lot of what went through my mind. It felt and seemed as though when I shared something positive, it was met with its because of your white privilege, which I found very off putting and a bit insulting quite frankly. This especially so since as I’ve said on here, nothing came easy for me; I am where I am as a result of a lot of hard work. I also think to express to a romantic partner that something such as this made me uncomfortable, only to have her continue down that same path speaks volumes. 3
Miss Spider Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, healing light said: This would get old for me quick. It would make me feel as if she was begrudging my life or accomplishments rather than being on the same team with me and resenting me on some level for being lighter skinned than her. I'm assuming she must be referring to "passable" white privilege. No one is born into this world with the same slate of opportunities, imo, and of course there are different stressors and advantages that people will experience depending on their race (and a lot of other factors!). But to filter everyday incidents through this lens continuously would make me feel like she wasn't looking at me as a partner or what I may bring to the table to celebrate my successes, but rather in a narrow, one dimensional way that didn't give me the benefit of the doubt or attribute any positive qualities I had to the goals I might achieve. It would come across to me like there was a chip on her shoulder that I could never do anything about that would prevent her from being fully happy for me, that I needed to apologize or owed her something in her eyes for something I can't control. This exactly. It's such a twisted notion to me....No one is only and all white.. Or black... Or hetero or cis .... So to classify someone as privileged based on one aspect is a really twisted notion to me. There's plenty of gay hispanic men who will have a much better lot in life than a lot of white hetero men out there....Such useless, baiting terminology used most of the time by people who are looking to be offended about something all time. I don't mess with that. Coming from a woman has been accused of white privilege and I'm a minority. Edited May 24, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
alphamale Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 4 hours ago, max3732 said: I'd find another partner. ^^this
Author Wanderlust2018 Posted May 24, 2020 Author Posted May 24, 2020 1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said: Do you come from very different socio economic backgrounds to the point where she may be a bit intimidated perhaps, rather than bitter? That’s what’s kind of confusing. We had a lot of long talks where I told her about my upbringing, which wasn’t pretty. I shared that I was raised by a single mom, the days that we were on welfare (I remember going with my mom as a kid to sign up), food stamps, and so forth. At one point, we didn’t even have a car. That and things like I was kicked out high school and after some years of working low paying jobs, I decided I didn’t like that type of life so much, so I put myself through college ultimately getting my MBA, and climbing the corporate ladder at the same time. Bear in mind, I am proud of what I’ve accomplished, but in no way in a boastful or egotistical way. In fact, I’m probably the opposite in that I am super appreciative and grateful. Never have I had anything handed to me and I think that’s what stings; for someone to devalue hard work and be so dismissive to suggest I achieved what I have because of my skin color is really a slap in the face. I’ll also mention, another really interesting thing is she finishes her Masters degree to be a family therapist this month. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around that...that someone who’d enter the therapy field would seem so jaded and judgmental. 3 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 10 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said: Curious as what people think about dating someone who routinely brings up the other partners “white privilege?” Why date someone with a chip on their shoulder? At some point you have to accept who you are and pursue the world from whatever point you're at. Those who spend (a lifetime, I can promise you) whining because somebody else has it better... (never run out of things or people to talk about) (you'll long tire of hearing it before they get tired of whining) 3 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 I wouldn't go out with someone who constantly brought up my "white privilege." He resents me and doesn't like me. Why am I going out with him??? 1
Gaeta Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 2 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said: I’ll also mention, another really interesting thing is she finishes her Masters degree to be a family therapist this month. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around that...that someone who’d enter the therapy field would seem so jaded and judgmental. The most dysfunctional man I semi-dated was a psychologist. He was obsessed with his ex and kept going back to her even if she had been abusive to him on and on. Her training in therapy doesn't mean much. She can be good at helping others and go on to have very dysfuncitonal relationships. This woman has some type of resentment built up inside and she is letting it out on you. Not an attractive trait. 3
Logo Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 (edited) We're not there to know exactly what is going on. If it's not said facetiously and it's aimed at you personally, then it's something to take a closer look at. Is it possible it's a cry for help? What exactly is the context of these statements? Do they come out of nowhere? These are important questions you might want to ask yourself. Think of the last time the person you're dating had mentioned it and what the context was. Maybe there's some nuance you're not seeing. Maybe that's a shortcut phrase to tell you that you don't understand her feelings. It's just an hunch. The next time it happens, pay close attention to what is going on and try to ask questions, if you still want to stay in the relationship. It could be an interesting learning experience in general. On the flip side, if it's discussed on an academic or intellectual level for the sake of having a general discussion about the concept, then that's a different story and I think it's a legitimate topic. So, where do you think it fits in your case, the former or the latter? Edited May 24, 2020 by Logo 2 1
Emilie Jolie Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 7 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said: I’ll also mention, another really interesting thing is she finishes her Masters degree to be a family therapist this month. How old is she? She sounds naive and a bit immature. Are there other clues that would help paint a clearer picture? Routinely saying this sounds like she's saying it every day - how long have you been dating? I agree with the previous poster in that it'd be helpful to know the reasoning behind why she uses it so often. Or, you know, if you're genuinely put off (which sounds like you are) you could simply stop seeing her on that basis alone? I'm white and not doing too badly, and I'm not that offended by this expression myself; I read about it, find it interesting as a theory to conceptualise institutional racism historically, but I also get why the expression itself can be offputting to those who reject the concept right out of the gate. Sounds like you did very well yourself despite most odds, so I can see why it clashes with your own trajectory. I also find it tricky to judge her intentions or character without knowing exactly why she uses it that often. 1
homecoming Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 11 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said: Yes, it would come up in just your average and routine everyday type conversation..:sharing something about my past, an experience from the past or from the day, or something from my day at work. I’ve dated women from various ethnic backgrounds and never in my life have I ever had one bring something this like up. OK, I'm curious though, because you've said she says "just use your white privilege!" - like, that's a response to something said, so I personally feel like you're missing something out. Either way, if it bothers you, then I guess just don't date her. It's your choice, really.
elaine567 Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 Could this be some sort of a joke she is making? You are mixed race, you are not white and your upbringing is far from privileged, so it is "funny" maybe. Irony perhaps? 1
Miss Spider Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 (edited) Could be, but people who use race as a weapon to make their point (like OPs date) typically also subscribe to the “one drop rule” and have no problem cherry picking whatever about you supports their argument. It could simply be because he is half and she’s not. Also he could “look white”. What I’ve learned being part Asian woman is that colloquially your “race” has little to do with your actually identity and heritage... and more to do with what you look like/phenotype . Eg “Obama is the first black president” hope she’s joking though Edited May 24, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Author Wanderlust2018 Posted May 24, 2020 Author Posted May 24, 2020 13 hours ago, elaine567 said: Could this be some sort of a joke she is making? You are mixed race, you are not white and your upbringing is far from privileged, so it is "funny" maybe. Irony perhaps? Perhaps... But I don’t find racism or innuendo around that in any form or on any level level humorous. Beyond that, it’s troubling to me that I expressed my discomfort with it to her, yet it persisted. She even acknowledged that she knew I didn’t like it...but continued down the same path subsequent to that. I’ve wondered if her brashness with it isn’t a veil for her insecurities. Or an excuse, as has been talked about on here...
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 What would worry me is that it's frequent...that to me says that even if it's a joke...it's not...KWIM?
salparadise Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 20 hours ago, Logo said: On the flip side, if it's discussed on an academic or intellectual level for the sake of having a general discussion about the concept, then that's a different story and I think it's a legitimate topic. So, where do you think it fits in your case, the former or the latter? Exactly. It exists, and I also don't think it should be a taboo topic... unless it's directed at you in an accusatory way. And if you're of mixed race then how could she possibly be directing it at you in that way. If you like her I'd bring up the topic of why she keeps bringing it up and suss out what she's thinking. I seriously can't imagine that she's thinking that –– if so she needs an adjustment. 1
rjc149 Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 3 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said: Perhaps... But I don’t find racism or innuendo around that in any form or on any level level humorous. Beyond that, it’s troubling to me that I expressed my discomfort with it to her, yet it persisted. She even acknowledged that she knew I didn’t like it...but continued down the same path subsequent to that. I’ve wondered if her brashness with it isn’t a veil for her insecurities. Or an excuse, as has been talked about on here... Maybe she knows you've got thin skin and she's just trying to make you react? You know, testing and probing for insecurity? I'm wondering, are you just being kind of touchy about the whole thing? I'm mixed white/Asian, and my Asian girlfriend joking about my "white privilege" just isn't something that would remotely bother me. Then again, I tend to sneer derisively at political correctness and often employ it as fodder for my own off-colored jokes. 3
homecoming Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) You don’t seem to like her. This is someone you’re dating, yet you’re engaged in a very negative online debate about her. If I found out someone I was dating was doing that about me, I’d dump them first, regardless. Seems a lot missing from this story, to be honest. Edited May 25, 2020 by homecoming 1 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 47 minutes ago, homecoming said: You don’t seem to like her. This is someone you’re dating, yet you’re engaged in a very negative online debate about her. If I found out someone I was dating was doing that about me, I’d dump them first, regardless. Seems a lot missing from this story, to be honest. Honestly, I was thinking the same. It seems pretty cut and dry to just let her go and then move on. I feel that this girl has hit a nerve and the OP is unable to move past it. This thread, for the OP, should be irrelevant by now and he should be going his merry, successful way to finding a more worthy lady. 1
chillii Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said: Perhaps... But I don’t find racism or innuendo around that in any form or on any level level humorous. Beyond that, it’s troubling to me that I expressed my discomfort with it to her, yet it persisted. She even acknowledged that she knew I didn’t like it...but continued down the same path subsequent to that. I’ve wondered if her brashness with it isn’t a veil for her insecurities. Or an excuse, as has been talked about on here... Sounds like she just doesn't like and resents whites , pure and simple , hence the cracks. Edited May 25, 2020 by chillii
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 48 minutes ago, chillii said: Sounds like she just doesn't like and resents whites , pure and simple , hence the cracks. Could be. The OP is not white and dumping on him persistently in regards to white privilege is something else all together, I feel.
Author Wanderlust2018 Posted May 25, 2020 Author Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) 23 hours ago, homecoming said: You don’t seem to like her. This is someone you’re dating, yet you’re engaged in a very negative online debate about her. If I found out someone I was dating was doing that about me, I’d dump them first, regardless. Seems a lot missing from this story, to be honest. No, I’m not dating her any longer. Last week was the final straw/incident relative to her comments at which time I said “this doesn’t work for me” and wished her well. I simply came on here to get others viewpoints around it. Edited May 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator leading off topic 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said: No, I’m not dating her any longer. Last week was the final straw/incident relative to her comments at which time I said “this doesn’t work for me” and wished her well. I simply came on here to get others viewpoints around it. Good. Wasn't sure if you were still stewing over this. Case closed. Edited May 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 1
OatsAndHall Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 On 5/23/2020 at 6:36 PM, Wanderlust2018 said: I’ll also mention, another really interesting thing is she finishes her Masters degree to be a family therapist this month. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around that...that someone who’d enter the therapy field would seem so jaded and judgmental. You'd be surprised. I was married to a therapist and the majority of her friends were therapists as well. I figured out in a hurry that many therapists are exposed to one or both ends of the socioeconomic spectrum on a regular basis and start to develop rather myopic views. People who seek therapy ether tend to be on Medicaid/Medicare or they can afford private insurance that will pay for counseling. Family and child therapists get the brunt of it as they have to deal with some extreme dysfunction. My ex-wife would hear all kinds of horror stories coming from extremely poor families, know that many of the issues came from their poverty and start to develop a jaded view towards middle class/wealthy people. There are plenty of poor white folks in this neck of the woods but the most impoverished tend to be Hispanic or Native American. So, she counsel a Hispanic or Native family going through distress due in part to their socioeconomic background and turn around and see a wealthier white family with similar issues. She'd have a hard time with the wealthier white folks as their lives were -technically- easier because of their money.
SumGuy Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 On 5/23/2020 at 12:37 PM, Wanderlust2018 said: She definitely knew I was mixed. At one point, I had shared with her that my great grandmother only spoke Spanish, and my grandmother was bilingual. For that its worth, she, who I’m referring to, is Hispanic. That said, at least half of my closest friends, if not more are Hispanic, which she also knew. It’s not like I only associate with Caucasian’s. She was also aware that I’m an investor/partner in a business in Mexico and that my partners are Mexican nationals. They’re like second family to me. The whole thing is just...odd... Could be she is teasing you, that you are very much not benefiting from white privilege...and maybe the exact opposite? But she is way over doing it? It is just odd.
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