Distant boyfriend

[coffeekitty]

So a little background information: I am a university student and my boyfriend has just started on a new job.

So during the lockdown period, we were still very affectionate on text and he does call occasionally. But recently we got into a quarrel and he pushed me away saying that he is swamped with work. So we had a short break away from each other. At the end of the break, we had resolved the misunderstanding peacefully.

However, he has been distant with me. He used to use terms of endearment on me daily and tend to flirt back. But now when I try to flirt with him, he just shut me out by ignoring it or by giving a cold reply. Whenever I try to approach the topic that he was being distant, he would say 'it is nothing, don't worry about it'. Previously, if I mention that he was being distant, at least he will be open to talk about it. Now he is just brushing it off. 

The part that is confusing is that, he is still putting in effort into the relationship. But the affection is definitely way lesser. 

I am trying to understand it might a tough period for him as he just started on a new job and he was stressed out about a recent project. But the lack of affection is making me doubt his feelings towards me. Am I overthinking things? And how should I approach this situation?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Hope everyone is doing well during this period. 

[Amanda141]

Hello!

If I were you I'd try to open my heart to him and tell him that I feel him distant, and that I'd like to about it... lockdown is a tough experience for everyone, so maybe he's just stressed, considering that he has just started a new job. On the other hand (I hope not!), it could be that during this period he realised that he is not into you as he thought.

Maybe just try to call him and kindly ask him if there is something wrong between you, telling him how you feel.

I hope everything will turn out okay!   

[d0nnivain]

It's hard.  The longer this lock down drags on the more stressed & upset people get.  Routines are disrupted.  Cash is scarce.  You worry about your health & the possibility that you could infect an at risk family member or friend.  The usual comforts aren't available.  He can be with you to get hugs or just chill.  He's on edge.  When you complain about him being distance you add more pressure.  Yes you are stressed & lonely too.  You want comfort from him which isn't forthcoming at the volume you desire.  As much as you want to whine about that, don't.  Instead celebrate what you are getting from him.  Talk about how wonderful is it when you do talk.  Leave silent the plea for more contact.  Become his safe space, where he can decompress.  When you do that you will hopefully be surprised at how much more he wants to spend time with you because it's easy & fun.  

Next time you talk, ask what you can do to make his life easier & better.  Then do that if you can. 

Being university students, I am going to assume you are young.  So I'm not going to berate you for "taking a break".  Breaks don't work.  They make things worse because there is no pause in a relationship.  There's being together & there is breaking up.  It's OK to take a breather. . . sometimes you need a few hours or a day to calm down, to get a grip on your heated emotions but to formally say you are on a "break" is destructive to the relationship.  You fix problems with open honest communication not silence, superstation & sulking.  

 

[schlumpy]

55 minutes ago, coffeekitty said:

So a little background information: I am a university student and my boyfriend has just started on a new job.

So during the lockdown period, we were still very affectionate on text and he does call occasionally. But recently we got into a quarrel and he pushed me away saying that he is 

The break was a mistake on your part. You are either in or out. There is no break.

You may think you resolved the problem, but I don't think he has. For him, it was calling a truce. Emotionally, he's withdrawn because of it.

It may get better over time which is perhaps what he is thinking. How much of cold shoulder can you stand?

[coffeekitty]

53 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It's hard.  The longer this lock down drags on the more stressed & upset people get.  Routines are disrupted.  Cash is scarce.  You worry about your health & the possibility that you could infect an at risk family member or friend.  The usual comforts aren't available.  He can be with you to get hugs or just chill.  He's on edge.  When you complain about him being distance you add more pressure.  Yes you are stressed & lonely too.  You want comfort from him which isn't forthcoming at the volume you desire.  As much as you want to whine about that, don't.  Instead celebrate what you are getting from him.  Talk about how wonderful is it when you do talk.  Leave silent the plea for more contact.  Become his safe space, where he can decompress.  When you do that you will hopefully be surprised at how much more he wants to spend time with you because it's easy & fun.  

Next time you talk, ask what you can do to make his life easier & better.  Then do that if you can. 

Being university students, I am going to assume you are young.  So I'm not going to berate you for "taking a break".  Breaks don't work.  They make things worse because there is no pause in a relationship.  There's being together & there is breaking up.  It's OK to take a breather. . . sometimes you need a few hours or a day to calm down, to get a grip on your heated emotions but to formally say you are on a "break" is destructive to the relationship.  You fix problems with open honest communication not silence, superstation & sulking.  

 

I do tell him how much I appreciate his efforts even though time is rough. And I have been trying to be his safe space, to be there for him when he need someone to talk to or just be there for him. I have tried asking him, what can I do to be a better supporter but he says there is nothing wrong and he is okay with how things are.

Oh, we just took a day to calm down as he was overwhelmed with work that day. So he requested some alone time and I checked if he was feeling better the next day. And we had a better understanding of the situation when we started talking again.

[coffeekitty]

1 hour ago, amanda141 said:

Hello!

If I were you I'd try to open my heart to him and tell him that I feel him distant, and that I'd like to about it... lockdown is a tough experience for everyone, so maybe he's just stressed, considering that he has just started a new job. On the other hand (I hope not!), it could be that during this period he realised that he is not into you as he thought.

Maybe just try to call him and kindly ask him if there is something wrong between you, telling him how you feel.

I hope everything will turn out okay!   

I have tried to, and he brushed it off saying that he is not distancing away from me. So I don't dare to probe the question again and again in case he decides to pull away. You may be right that he might be just stressed out. Ah, I hope not too haha.

Thank you so much

[coffeekitty]

58 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

The break was a mistake on your part. You are either in or out. There is no break.

You may think you resolved the problem, but I don't think he has. For him, it was calling a truce. Emotionally, he's withdrawn because of it.

It may get better over time which is perhaps what he is thinking. How much of cold shoulder can you stand?

 

Ah, he was the one that needed some alone time as he was overwhelmed with work. I checked in with him, a day later to resolve our situation and it was better.

[schlumpy]

I was referring to a mistake so far as you agreeing to it. I'm sorry I didn't make that more clear. 

[smackie9]

You know what...just drop it. The more you push the more he will be distant. Ease up, go find other things to do and share that with him in your conversations. Keep things light and positive. If he sees you as a sanctuary, he will want to share more with you. Besides sex, next on the list of what is important to a man is a supportive woman. Maybe at this time he just needs that from you now. There are times we have to put our needs aside to be by their side.

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, coffeekitty said:

So during the lockdown period, we were still very affectionate on text and he does call occasionally. But recently we got into a quarrel and he pushed me away saying that he is swamped with work. So we had a short break away from each other. At the end of the break, we had resolved the misunderstanding peacefully.

What was this about?

[miranda561]

On 5/23/2020 at 1:58 PM, coffeekitty said:

So a little background information: I am a university student and my boyfriend has just started on a new job.

So during the lockdown period, we were still very affectionate on text and he does call occasionally. But recently we got into a quarrel and he pushed me away saying that he is swamped with work. So we had a short break away from each other. At the end of the break, we had resolved the misunderstanding peacefully.

However, he has been distant with me. He used to use terms of endearment on me daily and tend to flirt back. But now when I try to flirt with him, he just shut me out by ignoring it or by giving a cold reply. Whenever I try to approach the topic that he was being distant, he would say 'it is nothing, don't worry about it'. Previously, if I mention that he was being distant, at least he will be open to talk about it. Now he is just brushing it off. 

The part that is confusing is that, he is still putting in effort into the relationship. But the affection is definitely way lesser. 

I am trying to understand it might a tough period for him as he just started on a new job and he was stressed out about a recent project. But the lack of affection is making me doubt his feelings towards me. Am I overthinking things? And how should I approach this situation?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Hope everyone is doing well during this period. 

As another poster asked..what was the quarrel about?

Maybe his mind is on his work. And thats why he is distant. As well as the fact you guys argued before (even if its been resolved). 

Does he contact you on his own. Or is it mostly you now? After the break..and since him starting work?

When I've been distant with people for whatever reason..it would annoy me if someone  kept asking why im distant or pointing it out all the time.  Some thing to think about

[Versacehottie]

I don't usually ask this question but how long have you two been together?  In general, I agree with smackie that you should just drop it rather than try to get to the root of it at this point.  Basically guys sometimes get a chip on their shoulder after a disagreement.  They are a little embarrassed; their ego bruised, standing their ground in a way; feeling misunderstood and also are usually more careful about doing what they feel is confrontational to their girlfriends (some generalizations but i've found to be true with me and my friends).  I think trying to make it easy for them to "come back" from the argument always helps (with anyone really).  As long as what the argument is about is not something that truly needs to be addressed or sorted out.  If it is just about you not feeling like he's giving you enough attention (and let's even say that is true), I would definitely drop it.  Probably 100% the new job and he is stressed but wanting to act like he's got it under control and then as he sees it gf drops a bomb   Not saying you really did but probably how he is processing things.

If you haven't been together long or you are at two very different places in life, I'd be a little worried that he is seeing his life in a different context and wondering how you will fit in.  But don't worry yourself about that too much or let me plant a seed--the best solution is to keep being and doing all the great things that brought you together.  Not the university things necessarily but the character things and good personal things you have together. Good luck

[Lotsgoingon]

Great advice here so far ... and yes, the great question: what was the quarrel about?

You actually do NOT want to ask if someone is feeling better. 

Why? ... because they may not be ... or as is typically the case, we feel a little better. Instead, just say, thinking good things about you. Sending you some good vibes or love. 

Let your partner have their own feelings. There is nothing more annoying than someone checking in with us thermometer style. You better today? All is good? Well ... no, life doesn't work that way. We gradually work through things, and people have the right to feel bad sometimes. What happens is that bf will give you a fake answer like "yeah, I'm doing better" without meaning it.

Much better to express gentle hope that someone is feeling better (without the tone of "they should feel better.") Expressing hope says I'm wishing the best for you. It's that wish that is the transforming action. Knowing and feeling someone else's support is what is helpful to feeling better.

 

 

[poppyfields]

On 5/23/2020 at 7:53 AM, coffeekitty said:

Oh, we just took a day to calm down as he was overwhelmed with work that day. So he requested some alone time and I checked if he was feeling better the next day. And we had a better understanding of the situation when we started talking again.

First off I echo what smackie wrote, please go back and read her post again if you need to.  And Versacehottie made good points and Lotsgoingon. 

Re what's quoted above, your bf was not overwhelmed with work, he was (and is) overwhelmed by your relationship, that is why he asked for time alone. 

He is feeling pressured and to be blunt, this means you need to back off.

No, I don't recommend talking to him about your feelings, his distance, or asking how he is feeling.

I recommend you leave him alone and do your own thing.  He is on his way out, and if you are not careful, soon he will be all the way out. 

You don't sound compatible as it relates to amount of time spent together and emotional intimacy. 

You need more. He needs less.  Nothing wrong with either but for a relationship to succeed, and for you both to be happy, your needs in this regard need to match. 

My sense he is feeling very pressured by you and the relationship even though that is not your intention and probably have no idea you are even doing that. 

I envision you replying saying "but I don't pressure him."  

You may not think you are, but to him, you are.  It may not even be about anything specific you are doing, it's more about what HE is feeling. 

This is the no. 1 reason why guys pull back or request a break.  It's not work, his mum doesn't need him, it's because he is feeling pressured, and suffocated. 

If you get past this, moving forward remember this.  And proceed accordingly. 

Frankly, I just think you sound incompatible and it may be best to end it and look for a guy whose needs surrounding space and emotional intimacy match yours. 

Edited May 26, 2020 by poppyfields