What do you guys think of this?

[Miss Spider]

16 minutes ago, FMW said:

Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with only occasionally feeling a romantic attraction - I think that's normal actually.  Really connecting with someone isn't a common everyday occurrence. 

Since my divorce 4 years I've spent a lot of time with 4 different men - the first I was madly in love with, body and mind, but he was an unavailable player.  The second was just a really strong intellectual connection and appeal that didn't go anywhwere romantically.  The third was a FWB situation with a really attractive guy that I like alot but don't see ever really "being" with, but that was great for a year.  I ended it when I met the fourth guy I'm seeing now in a "normal" relationship, trying to have a good balance of all the aspects.  Too early to say how that's going to turn out.  But I can definitely tell you that I feel each has gotten me closer to the one that's going to really click because I've learned a lot about myself along the way.      

I'm not sure what the answer is in your case, since you say you do get lonely.  I'm not sure I've ever actually felt lonely for a romantic relationship, so I have a hard time putting together the pieces of your puzzle, being both disinterested and lonely. But you will eventually figure it out.  I haven't seen any evidence from anything you've ever written that you aren't fully capable of connecting with the right guy eventually.  I think it's just going to take some time and you're going to have some bumps along the way.  If I only had one piece of advice to focus on I would say be willing to be vulnerable and real (ok, technically that may be two pieces of advice...).  Don't try to be cool or in control all the time.  

 

Thank you so much. That was very helpful(and hopeful) to me. I do think sometimes people are expecting to find someone they match with right away, because some people do. When we don’t we’re left feeling something’s wrong with us. We’re not all the same. And I think the reason I like dating so much is the learning aspect.  We learn about others and learn about ourselves. That self-discovery is rad to me. Right now, I guess I am looking for someone to be mad for. Sad that I never found it.  I think the loneliness has a lot do with alienation from that feeling... Of course then there’s the problem of reciprocity when I do find it... and allowing myself to be vulnerable... but I will cross that bridge when it comes. Thank you again. Best wishes for you and your guy . 

Edited May 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

thanks, you guys . You’re the best.

 

@poppyfieldsty for your advice.i just want to say that I am not sure that there is anything I could receive therapy for because I overall am doing well and don’t see any issues my life.  Can a therapist help you become attracted to more people romantically? Perhaps. 

cookies, first off I am truly sorry you took some offense to my post. I didn't mean for it to come off like a criticism or even your reality and apologies if it did.

I just post my perspective based on my own observations, I don't always get it right. 

Anyway, in response to what's quoted, you recently posted about not ever feeling all that excited about the men you meet or previous boyfriends even, including a guy you dated several years back you were off and on with and whom you started a long running thread about.  

That everyone sort of blends together and the general feeling you have about the men in your life, past and present, is sort of meh.  I believe you even used that word "meh."

So imo yes a therapist would be able to help you understand and hopefully determine why you feel that disconnect.  Assuming you consider it an issue. 

At first when I read your comment, I thought it was an issue, but now, after reading your recent posts, I am thinking it's not really an issue, and if so, that is FINE.  As long as you're happy, that's the most important thing.

I think I posted this before, but I didn't feel that head over heels, knees buckling feeling about a man until I was in my late 20s!  And I had been two LTR before meeting him!  Also engaged, which I broke off after meeting him.

Prior to meeting him, I just sort of went through the motions, we were friends, the sex suc*ked, and I just sort of went along.

I was wondering if I was even capable of ever having that feeling!  But boy did that ever change when I met him!  My now long term ex. 

I know I am projecting, I tend to do that a lot  but I've had lots of different experiences and can relate to what others experience and enjoy sharing what I've learned.

Like I said, I don't always get it right and if I didn't in your case, again my apologies.

You have so much going for ya cookies, more than most, and I think you will eventually meet that special someone.  

I hope I'm around when you do, it would be a lovely thing to see!  

 

 

 

Edited May 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

No worries, poppy. I appreciate your insight/help. 

I guess it was just a more general frustration at being misunderstood/not explaining myself adequately, widespread beliefs people tend to have, and not being clear on the motivation(s) of mods to keep the thread open than anything one person said 

We totally coolTY 

Edited May 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[normal person]

On 5/23/2020 at 12:16 AM, Cookiesandough said:

I'm going to hang out Thursday with this bartender I dated briefly earlier this year...I guess. I'm not excited about him at all. We have no mental connection at all. 

At the risk of amateur psychoanalysis, it strikes me as unusual that you'd hang out with someone you aren't excited about at all. 

Quote

I haven't been going out, not on any dating apps, changed my number, and burned bridges. Not that I'd want to cross any of those bridges again. 

I'm curious about this. 'Care to explain?