Tita81 Posted May 23, 2020 Share Posted May 23, 2020 (edited) Where do I begin? I have been 12 yrs in this toxic relationship where I can't seem to get out of. I have come so codependent of him, he has this major power over me I can't even explain. I wake up and walk on eggshells every single day of my life. My older kids (16, 14) from my 1st marriage left cause of him. He uses drugs and obviously drinks, 3-4 days a week. He is everything I am not, but yet here I am stuck by his side needing him! Why? I allow him to name call me ALL the time, he has called me every name of the book. Spit in my face what has he not done when i dont do as he says! But when he calms down he is the person i fell in love with. I am so tired of this I am not happy but yet I fear life without him. I fear him loving someone. Im 39 yrs old pls help me and explain how can I knowingly stay in such a miserable place?! I know I can be better away from him but I always fall back. How do I leave and not come back? I keep wasting my time when no change will be made. Finally the last piece that did it was I found out he had a one night stand. He will not admit to it but I know it happened. He uses cocaine everytime he drinks, he has no self control yet he is able to make me feel the most loved person. As i write im so ashamed of myself, I was not weak, I was not insecure. Please help! Tell me its best I walk away,btell me how people luke him dont change. Edited May 23, 2020 by Tita81 Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted May 23, 2020 Share Posted May 23, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, Tita81 said: Where do I begin? I have been 12 yrs in this toxic relationship where I can't seem to get out of. I have come so codependent of him, he has this major power over me I can't even explain. I wake up and walk on eggshells every single day of my life. My older kids (16, 14) from my 1st marriage left cause of him. He uses drugs and obviously drinks, 3-4 days a week. He is everything I am not, but yet here I am stuck by his side needing him! Why? I allow him to name call me ALL the time, he has called me every name of the book. Spit in my face what has he not done when i dont do as he says! But when he calms down he is the person i fell in love with. I am so tired of this I am not happy but yet I fear life without him. I fear him loving someone. Im 39 yrs old pls help me and explain how can I knowingly stay in such a miserable place?! I know I can be better away from him but I always fall back. How do I leave and not come back? I keep wasting my time when no change will be made. Finally the last piece that did it was I found out he had a one night stand. He will not admit to it but I know it happened. He uses cocaine everytime he drinks, he has no self control yet he is able to make me feel the most loved person. As i write im so ashamed of myself, I was not weak, I was not insecure. Please help! Tell me its best I walk away,btell me how people luke him dont change. He would be alot nicer if he didn't use drugs. The best course of action for you would be to leave him. Then if he really cares he would try to quit drugs. If he doesn't, you are better of without him. Edited May 23, 2020 by emprosnet7 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 23, 2020 Share Posted May 23, 2020 (edited) Tita, have you every been able to get any counselling? It’s going to be hard to break a long standing patter like this, you chose this man over even your kids when they left because they could not stay anymore. That’s not good. If not counselling, I would suggest you call a hotline for domestic abuse or visit a women’s shelter and ask for assistance... I hope you find the strength to leave this man. He is a drug addict, and as such you can host have a healthy relationship with him. Best wishes. Edited May 23, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted May 24, 2020 Share Posted May 24, 2020 Much too long I've been a prisoner here The hour has come to break out Shackled and chained almost goin' insane It's better to live on the run Set me free, set me free Send me a sign, wanna leave it all behind I'll be leaving the hands of doom Rearrange the master plan, take the future in my hands To be free and not trapped anymore Chorus: Ride the sky, Ride the sky Give me wings to fly, Ride the sky I have to think for myself and then act In conformity of my own thoughts No one should tell me what's wrong and what's right Why don't you leave me alone Set me free, set me free Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted May 24, 2020 Share Posted May 24, 2020 Look up trauma bonding and intermittent good-bad treatment. These types of dynamics play on primal aspects of the brain that often has a person deeply clinging to a toxic relationship out of a subconscious need for survival against their better judgment. Definitely seek therapy if it is available to you so that you can start to extract yourself from this situation. Know you're not alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 Read Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that, inside the minds of angry and controlling men' if you want to understand him. Probably more important to understand yourself though, since that's the only person you can change. Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted May 27, 2020 Share Posted May 27, 2020 He sounds Very similar to my ex husband. I gathered the strength to leave and am so so so happy I did. You just need the strength to take the first step. Take a deep breath, you know you need to do it, and leap!! once you get through the initial step, it will be easier. Stay strong and go for it! Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted May 27, 2020 Share Posted May 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, LynneVicious said: He sounds Very similar to my ex husband. I gathered the strength to leave and am so so so happy I did. You just need the strength to take the first step. Take a deep breath, you know you need to do it, and leap!! once you get through the initial step, it will be easier. Stay strong and go for it! He sounds like a HORRIBLE guy who needs something else aside from therapy.....NOBODY deserves to be treated like this NOBODY OP, I hope you can break free I am sure it will be HARD but think about what awaits you when you can live in peace 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 27, 2020 Share Posted May 27, 2020 What made you leave your ex husband for this guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Spainglish Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 (edited) I understand the power of a controlling man. THEY DO NOT CHANGE. The only way to break free is to make a plan. You cannot do it alone. You must have someone else working the plan with you. This person has to know the truth and nothing but the ugly truth. They have to be strong enough to call you out on your BS and keep you on track. 1) Open up an account with someone you trust and have everything mailed to their address. 2) Dump every penny you can into that account. When you go to the grocery store, get cash back. Nothing that will ring alarms. Just a little to dump in your account. Tell him you are going to spring clean and donate stuff to Goodwill, but sell it instead. Nowadays you have apps like Let It Go and Facebook Marketplace to sell stuff. If you get any gift cards as gifts, trade them for cash between your family and friends. Do anything you can think of to make extra money without being too obvious and dump it in your account. 3) Once you feel you have enough money saved to get started, make your plan and get out. Don't ever look back. I know you can't imagine it now, but the feeling of complete freedom is glorious. No more walking on eggshells. No more grasping onto your phone for dear life so you don't dare miss his call/text. No more having to lie about why you took an extra 10 minutes to get home, because you just needed to pull over, take a deep breath and prepare yourself for whatever was waiting for you once you got past the front door. No more having to hide your friends and be accused of screwing all of them. No more defending yourself for things you haven't done. No more putting on a show to make everyone else think you are okay. NO MORE. You can do it. It won't be easy but it will be worth it in the end. Imagine it for just one minute.... Just you, no noise in your head, and freedom. It's overwhelming. You will break down crying with relief and you will finally be able to breath and just be. Keep that in mind when you're working your plan..........You will have the freedom to just BE. 🤗 Edited May 30, 2020 by Spainglish 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 There should never be noise to start with. We are way passed the days of indentured servitude and NOBODY should endure being controlled by another person. I don't understand how PEOPLE ALLOW THEMSELVES to be controlled in the first place. Makes ZERO cents to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spainglish Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 3 hours ago, simpycurious said: I don't understand how PEOPLE ALLOW THEMSELVES to be controlled in the first place. Makes ZERO cents to me. It's not that women allow themselves to be controlled. They just don't see it coming. It starts with little things at first and grows into a much bigger monster. Men like this are excellent manipulators. They have a talent to turn things around in an instant and have you apologizing even if you've done nothing. They get in your head and basically gaslight you so you're always wondering if you're just imagining things or being too sensitive, etc. Over time, they thump you into the ground so low you feel like you belong there and somehow deserve everything he's doing. It's psychological torture and you don't even realize it until you're out. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 22 hours ago, simpycurious said: There should never be noise to start with. We are way passed the days of indentured servitude and NOBODY should endure being controlled by another person. I don't understand how PEOPLE ALLOW THEMSELVES to be controlled in the first place. Makes ZERO cents to me. All someone can do is walk away at the first transgression, but by then feelings are often involved... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tita81 Posted June 3, 2020 Author Share Posted June 3, 2020 Thank u all, and yes it has been so hard it is really hard. It's like I know what I have to do, I know how unhappy I am, I know how unhealthy this is for me and our 7 yr old but yet there is a strong force that pulls me back. I do have support from family and friends, family obviously do not know the truth butvthey do see the control he has over me. I used to be so tough. And one of my best friends knows most of the ugly truth and she keeps me on track. Right now my plans are to leave but my family is going through a health issue with my older brother who lives in ATL so we have been focussing on that but once my mother returns (we are from Miami) my plans are to move. I have money saved up so I will be ok in that sense, plus my family is ok also in that department and my mother and sister are very open to helping. Even though they dont know how bad it really is they do know some abuse occurs and as much as they believe in family unity they want me out of this relationship. It's like I said I do know this is no good, I do know this is not happiness, I do know he can't possibly love me, and I do know I do not want to age this way. I am such a happy person, I always stand out for my personality but with him I have to watch how I act and what I say, I gwt anxious when I know he is on his waybhome from work. Its so ugly but at the same time it feels like I can't live without him. I love who he is when he is the person I fell in love with. But this time I am beingbstrong and I am gonna walk out of this, its enough and no change has been made. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 What made you leave your ex husband for this train wreck? Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 On 5/30/2020 at 12:28 PM, Spainglish said: I understand the power of a controlling man. THEY DO NOT CHANGE. The only way to break free is to make a plan. You cannot do it alone. You must have someone else working the plan with you. This person has to know the truth and nothing but the ugly truth. They have to be strong enough to call you out on your BS and keep you on track. 1) Open up an account with someone you trust and have everything mailed to their address. 2) Dump every penny you can into that account. When you go to the grocery store, get cash back. Nothing that will ring alarms. Just a little to dump in your account. Tell him you are going to spring clean and donate stuff to Goodwill, but sell it instead. Nowadays you have apps like Let It Go and Facebook Marketplace to sell stuff. If you get any gift cards as gifts, trade them for cash between your family and friends. Do anything you can think of to make extra money without being too obvious and dump it in your account. 3) Once you feel you have enough money saved to get started, make your plan and get out. Don't ever look back. I know you can't imagine it now, but the feeling of complete freedom is glorious. No more walking on eggshells. No more grasping onto your phone for dear life so you don't dare miss his call/text. No more having to lie about why you took an extra 10 minutes to get home, because you just needed to pull over, take a deep breath and prepare yourself for whatever was waiting for you once you got past the front door. No more having to hide your friends and be accused of screwing all of them. No more defending yourself for things you haven't done. No more putting on a show to make everyone else think you are okay. NO MORE. You can do it. It won't be easy but it will be worth it in the end. Imagine it for just one minute.... Just you, no noise in your head, and freedom. It's overwhelming. You will break down crying with relief and you will finally be able to breath and just be. Keep that in mind when you're working your plan..........You will have the freedom to just BE. 🤗 Wise advice from a person who seems to have done those very things... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spainglish Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 5 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Wise advice from a person who seems to have done those very things... 2 Points for you. You guessed correctly. 😆 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 You're afraid to be on your own, but you need to get over that fear by taking two jobs and getting out on your own and supporting yourself. It's also possible meanness is something you're familiar with from childhood, so you put up with it. It's bad. You could see if a women's shelter could advise you or the victims' hotlines for domestic violence . I just encourage you to work two jobs and sock money into a private account or leave it with a trusted relative so you can leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 4, 2020 Share Posted June 4, 2020 3 hours ago, Spainglish said: 2 Points for you. You guessed correctly. 😆 Yeah, it seemed pretty well laid out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tita81 Posted June 4, 2020 Author Share Posted June 4, 2020 16 hours ago, stillafool said: What made you leave your ex husband for this train wreck? I was separating from my 1st husband for other reasons, I met him 2 months after our separation and I got pulled right into the relationship. He wasn't as toxic in the begging, I fell in love with his good side, the bad side came out once I was deep into us and being that I come from old school beliefs I was afraid of having a 2nd failed relationship. My 1st marriage lasted about 11 yrs. (15-26). This one almost 12 yrs. (26-39) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tita81 Posted June 4, 2020 Author Share Posted June 4, 2020 6 hours ago, preraph said: You're afraid to be on your own, but you need to get over that fear by taking two jobs and getting out on your own and supporting yourself. It's also possible meanness is something you're familiar with from childhood, so you put up with it. It's bad. You could see if a women's shelter could advise you or the victims' hotlines for domestic violence . I just encourage you to work two jobs and sock money into a private account or leave it with a trusted relative so you can leave. Actually no, I know my mother was physically abused by my father but this was way before I was born, atleast I never saw that side of my dad. If anything I was a love child. Since I was the youngest out of 3 I always had all the attention (my sister married young at 17, I was 10, my brother 19) I had no competition, I was always spoiled. With my first husband I was the dominant one and in my family women are the ones that are the head of house. Money is not an issue. Fear of being alone, maybe, sometimes he actually makes me feel so loved cause I know he had such a messed up life and I have been the only person that somewhat has some control over him. So for some reason as stupid as I may sound I fear no one loving me that way. I believe he is messed up and I just wanna help him, when he is good he is this amazing person but when he is bad he is horrible he spits venom. I KNOW I have to leave and I am preparing myself forcthat. Injust need to stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThePhoenixStillRises Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 On 6/4/2020 at 1:22 AM, Tita81 said: He wasn't as toxic in the begging, I fell in love with his good side, the bad side came out once I was deep into us and being that I come from old school beliefs I was afraid of having a 2nd failed relationship. This is usually how it happens. They don't show that side of them until you are already committed to the relationship. For me, things seemed to start happening after we were engaged, and then a few weeks before our wedding, and then soon after we were married. I was raised to live with the choices I had made...whether good or bad. And deciding to marry him was a choice I had made. One that I followed through in what I began to refer to as servitude instead of love for 18 years. @Spainglish has given you some wonderful advice on how to start. But I think you also need to get some counseling to help start breaking the trauma bond and give yourself strength. It took me several months of counseling before I could really have the strength to stand up for myself...and even after my divorce, he still tries to control me (we have two children together). But I now realize that I don't have to listen to him and I owe him nothing. I am probably amongst a minority in divorced women who walked away without getting anything (no child support, no alimony, no half of any shared assets) and was able to rebuild my life in a very short amount of time. He believed that I depended on him for his money...and I proved him wrong. It was really the other way around. So, it can be done...you can move on...and you can have a good life that you deserve. Believe me, it can happen and you will feel like a huge weight is lifted off of you once you are out from under his control. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Datergirl Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 I've been in an abusive relationship, verbally and physically. It does not get getter. I, like you, kept holding out hope that things would get better, but they just got worse, a lot worse. I ended it several times but always went back. It's been two weeks now since I last told him its over. The only way I know I can keep my resolve is by blocking all forms of communication from him, including his family and friends. I won't go back this time. My life is 100% happier without him in it dragging me down. Some of the names he would call me are so disgusting, but, if you think about it, it's themselves they are describing. You must do this for you. Do you really want to look at what you're life will be like with this guy? You already know. You have to make the break. I went to Womens Aid. The support I received was incredible. Emotional support. Highly recommend this in your action plan. You don't need this person in your life anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tita81 Posted June 25, 2020 Author Share Posted June 25, 2020 Hi guys, just wanted to give you all the latest update on my situation. I found a place and I am planning on moving out beggining of July. I started buying stuff lil by lil but it got done. Got bedset for me and my son. I am really looking forward to this i don't know why but I am actually excited. My best friend of 25 yrs and I rented a 5 bedroom, 2 bath house. We will be roommates and accompany each other in this new journey, since we both are currently going through this together. I think it will be a great way to detach and not feel lonely. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Datergirl Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 This is great news, also that you have support from your best friend and won't feel so lonely. Of course you are excited, a new life of freedom awaits. You can discover who you really are without your ex making you miserable. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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