Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted
11 hours ago, Lea2020 said:

Update (for anyone that cares lol😞

We continue to message and last night he asked me to meet for drinks/bite on Friday or Saturday if I'm free.

I will accept and meet him because why not? Plus it'll be good to finally meet then decide if our little messaging friendship will continue.

I just feel little nervous to meet him as we have  been messaging for use to 5 months now and this will be the first time we meet or talk in person.

 

For heaven's sake...  (I just rewound to read the entire thread)

 

You... have recently-ish moved to a new city...     your relationship history includes a lengthy one on a cruise ship which evolved to a long-distance relationship.

 

It makes perfect sense that you could gain from a new friend.

 

But I have long championed the idea of NOT doing the moronic societal routine of chatting online just long enough to figure out that you were each at the same Starbucks within the past 9 days, and with THAT MUCH in common, you think it destiny that you should go out and MEET in 45 minutes AT that Starbucks.

Idiots who live like that should just BE out there at the Starbucks saving time.  They gain zero in the way of learning about the other ahead of time, and most of their encounters fall flat immediately because of their own stupidity.

 

The whole appeal to initial online encounters is having the unique opportunity to delve deeper and gain a sense of somebody before you meet them in person.  If done right, this just about guarantees no loss of topics for conversation, making the other seem more 'interesting' just for that reason alone.

 

Having pointed out the obvious...

 

This guy could be a 70-year-old ex con, or a room full of sorority sisters...  or anything...

 

BUT THAT IS FAR LESS LIKELY given the attention span each has revealed to the other.   A room full of sorority girls would have moved on from you long ago (cuz they're looking for a victim they can make fun of tonight or tomorrow).

 

His reasons for the delay in meeting don't sound grossly out of place, and I'm thinking what he thinks you might think OF him is at least part of his driving force.  (and that is possibly the result of his having misrepresented himself in some way)  (BUT maybe he hasn't done so?)

 

Just go there, taking all of the common precautions of meeting in a public place...  and if he is within the small-ish range of authentic, just start out with the vision of potentially adding a friend in this new-to-you area.

As is the case with  "real people",  there remains a strong numeric possibility that "Mister Right" could be the friend of a friend.

Somebody who is sincerely interested in finding a partner in a new area would always do well to widen her network.

 

And re-laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax about the upcoming meeting.  

(if you want to enhance the experience...  get more detail about what he'll be wearing...  height... glasses... etc.

and give him the same sort of info)

This will bring each of your minds nearer to EXPECTING the actual individual who turns up... which will be of great mutual comfort.

 

 

 

 

  • Like 2
Posted

Just keep your expectations really low.  I thought from the last messages on this thread that you were going to give up on him. But hopefully you backed off enough that he realized he needed to step up and plan something or you were out altogether.  This alone just shows you have to allow the space for back and forth and things to be more evenly balanced and typically at the slower person's pace so that they have the space to realize they have a good thing.  If the slower person's pace is too slow or it's unreasonable that they haven't figured out that you are a good thing by now (which this guy clearly hit that threshold) then you just need to move on.  

I'm totally for not cutting someone off because you never know BUT and it's a big BUT, you need to be the one in control of your emotions and actions.  He's already essentially played you a bit for 5 months, make sure you take whatever he's giving you with a grain of salt.  Even if you are on this date, he has a lot of groundwork to make up.  Don't be bitter about it, just let him prove himself.  The goodwill and benefit of the doubt that you give someone at the beginning when you take them at their word that he is "looking to date" has long been spent up.  So go to the date with at least a little side eye and don't be won over so easily.  IMO. Good luck

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
21 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

For heaven's sake...  (I just rewound to read the entire thread)

 

You... have recently-ish moved to a new city...     your relationship history includes a lengthy one on a cruise ship which evolved to a long-distance relationship.

 

It makes perfect sense that you could gain from a new friend.

 

But I have long championed the idea of NOT doing the moronic societal routine of chatting online just long enough to figure out that you were each at the same Starbucks within the past 9 days, and with THAT MUCH in common, you think it destiny that you should go out and MEET in 45 minutes AT that Starbucks.

Idiots who live like that should just BE out there at the Starbucks saving time.  They gain zero in the way of learning about the other ahead of time, and most of their encounters fall flat immediately because of their own stupidity.

 

The whole appeal to initial online encounters is having the unique opportunity to delve deeper and gain a sense of somebody before you meet them in person.  If done right, this just about guarantees no loss of topics for conversation, making the other seem more 'interesting' just for that reason alone.

 

Having pointed out the obvious...

 

This guy could be a 70-year-old ex con, or a room full of sorority sisters...  or anything...

 

BUT THAT IS FAR LESS LIKELY given the attention span each has revealed to the other.   A room full of sorority girls would have moved on from you long ago (cuz they're looking for a victim they can make fun of tonight or tomorrow).

 

His reasons for the delay in meeting don't sound grossly out of place, and I'm thinking what he thinks you might think OF him is at least part of his driving force.  (and that is possibly the result of his having misrepresented himself in some way)  (BUT maybe he hasn't done so?)

 

Just go there, taking all of the common precautions of meeting in a public place...  and if he is within the small-ish range of authentic, just start out with the vision of potentially adding a friend in this new-to-you area.

As is the case with  "real people",  there remains a strong numeric possibility that "Mister Right" could be the friend of a friend.

Somebody who is sincerely interested in finding a partner in a new area would always do well to widen her network.

 

And re-laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax about the upcoming meeting.  

(if you want to enhance the experience...  get more detail about what he'll be wearing...  height... glasses... etc.

and give him the same sort of info)

This will bring each of your minds nearer to EXPECTING the actual individual who turns up... which will be of great mutual comfort.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for the great advice here. You made some great valid points!

And there is a chance he could be someone else. That happens to people lots so I shouldn't scratch that lol But he did end up emailing me so I have his email address now and that matches his facebook name (Yes I stalked him already. I always do because people lie so I need to do my own digging lol

But still we are meeting at a restaurant at 3pm so its a public place and not a crazy late night time. 

And as you said, it doesn't hurt to add him as a friend. I need to expand my friend list in this newish city. So lets see what happens! Maybe we don't connect. Maybe we do.

  • Author
Posted
8 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Just keep your expectations really low.  I thought from the last messages on this thread that you were going to give up on him. But hopefully you backed off enough that he realized he needed to step up and plan something or you were out altogether.  This alone just shows you have to allow the space for back and forth and things to be more evenly balanced and typically at the slower person's pace so that they have the space to realize they have a good thing.  If the slower person's pace is too slow or it's unreasonable that they haven't figured out that you are a good thing by now (which this guy clearly hit that threshold) then you just need to move on.  

I'm totally for not cutting someone off because you never know BUT and it's a big BUT, you need to be the one in control of your emotions and actions.  He's already essentially played you a bit for 5 months, make sure you take whatever he's giving you with a grain of salt.  Even if you are on this date, he has a lot of groundwork to make up.  Don't be bitter about it, just let him prove himself.  The goodwill and benefit of the doubt that you give someone at the beginning when you take them at their word that he is "looking to date" has long been spent up.  So go to the date with at least a little side eye and don't be won over so easily.  IMO. Good luck

So I did back up from him in the sense that I know his intentions are just as friends. Which is okay with me. I just now don't rush to reply his messages. I reply as I wish were before I replied fairly quick. And I never mentioned again to meet and told him that is on him to do. Also, I was having some issues with my phone so I switched to an old iPhone which was sending him imessages through my email, unknown to me. Then I was able to get my Samsung running and switched back to that. I never received a message from him and thought weird. I then opened my iPhone about 5 days later and his messages came through. So I messaged and explained what happened and he said "I was worried you feel off the grid and I sent you an email" which he spelled wrong and that's why it never came but he sent the screenshot of the message. I was little shocked that he actually cared enough or thought enough to try to reach out via email.  So maybe that was enough for him to see as you were mentioning.

But either way, i have no expectations and I know that we are going in as friends. We had this discussion about 3 or 4 weeks ago and he stated at this moment, he just wants friendship which I agreed to be his friend. He seems like a good guy and I don't mind seeing if a friendship evolves. and if not, then at least come Saturday night, I know to end it lol

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Lea2020 said:

So I did back up from him in the sense that I know his intentions are just as friends. Which is okay with me. I just now don't rush to reply his messages. I reply as I wish were before I replied fairly quick. And I never mentioned again to meet and told him that is on him to do. Also, I was having some issues with my phone so I switched to an old iPhone which was sending him imessages through my email, unknown to me. Then I was able to get my Samsung running and switched back to that. I never received a message from him and thought weird. I then opened my iPhone about 5 days later and his messages came through. So I messaged and explained what happened and he said "I was worried you feel off the grid and I sent you an email" which he spelled wrong and that's why it never came but he sent the screenshot of the message. I was little shocked that he actually cared enough or thought enough to try to reach out via email.  So maybe that was enough for him to see as you were mentioning.

But either way, i have no expectations and I know that we are going in as friends. We had this discussion about 3 or 4 weeks ago and he stated at this moment, he just wants friendship which I agreed to be his friend. He seems like a good guy and I don't mind seeing if a friendship evolves. and if not, then at least come Saturday night, I know to end it lol

Yeah slowing down the response is good.  It's the one thing definitive between you both now that shows how much or how little he factors into your life or is a priority to you.  People don't always interpret it correctly because some people reply quickly no matter what because they do so with everyone so a person has to play the game to convey the priority level.  

I have to say that he is acting a bit like he believes if he gives you an inch you will take a mile and he will find himself in a full blown relationship.  It may or may not be what you mean but skittish guys can really interpret things that way and you will find yourself in a conundrum of how to show interest and let him pursue when he's taking everything so seriously.  The best way to do that IMO is to NOT allow any serious talk; no need to define the relationship, to say what it is or what it isn't.  I mean, is he joking?!?! It's premature of him to say anything anyway, like relax buddy.  Yet he's still taking you out tomorrow so he doesn't really know what he wants.  Even if he says that it's 'friends", come on he's leaving the door open as you are too and you both know that.  Just be cautious because in this scenario, he kind of holds all the cards.  So IMO any more of his defining the relationship type stuff you have to laugh him off and blow him off about it (for now).  That's a benefit he gets when he actually wants to pursue something with you--he effectively already blew it when he cried "friends".  He can't have it both ways so don't let him--or definitely don't let him think it!  I have to say a guy that talks to you for 5 months and then lays down the friends card (while you met on a dating site!!) is one of those guys that sounds like he really likes the deep talks and defining relationships and emotional stuff that comes with it.  Probably likes to know he's desirable as boyfriend material---do not give him that reassurance you will have to throw him off balance a little to get him where he is actually motivated to do something!***  Doubt he is just looking for a hookup because he wouldn't have put in this much work connecting--which lets you know he's that guy who wants that (kind of like a semi-replacement girlfriend who gives female attention and makes him feel good about himself without him having to risk getting hurt or doing real boyfriend "work" and he can bop in and out as he pleases--which is not good for you!).  Play the game right with this guy :) for your own sake and for the potential success of it if you find him worthy of being with.

****I just heard this study (old but new to me) that people who create plan B's are less motivated in general about forward momentum on their plan.  The study was "in general/on all things" but immediately I thought of dating dilemmas where a person allows themselves to be a plan b or does that to someone--you definitely don't want that pattern to set in because it's a low level of success. My advice would have been the same before I heard of the study but even more so now.  Don't allow yourself to be his Plan B plan/person. Good luck :) 

Edited by Versacehottie
  • Like 1
Posted
19 hours ago, Lea2020 said:

Thank you for the great advice here. You made some great valid points!

And there is a chance he could be someone else. That happens to people lots so I shouldn't scratch that lol But he did end up emailing me so I have his email address now and that matches his facebook name (Yes I stalked him already. I always do because people lie so I need to do my own digging lol

But still we are meeting at a restaurant at 3pm so its a public place and not a crazy late night time. 

And as you said, it doesn't hurt to add him as a friend. I need to expand my friend list in this newish city. So lets see what happens! Maybe we don't connect. Maybe we do.

 

I have no prominent negative vibes of all that you have described to this point.  I merely had to recognize  (from merely a possibility standpoint) that he could in fact be a room full of sorority girls.

 

I truthfully suspect that your own shared interactions of the past will allow for a considerably comfortable interaction in person, because you know what subjects to cover.  

 

And the lack of pressure may prove additionally refreshing.

 

I hope all goes well for you.

 

 

  • Like 1
Posted
On 5/22/2020 at 3:07 PM, Lea2020 said:

, "I had a learning experience from my last relationship and not looking to rush into a new one AND I dont even know if I'm looking for a relationship at this time"

What is there to be "confused" about?
People who want to be in a relationship never say things like that. They are too worried that they might lose you
As soon as he said that, that was your cue to stop considering him as a viable prospect.
Where is this going?
Nowhere,.

  • Thanks 2
Posted (edited)
On 5/22/2020 at 10:07 AM, Lea2020 said:

Hey everyone,

I came across this forum as like others I am in need of some advice.

Backstory: I have been single for about 1.5 years now. I tried the dating apps during that time but I wasnt 100% sure what I was looking for. So I stopped and starting working on myself.
Then I had a friend really push that I should try Facebook dating. I thought no, it'll be the same thing, same guys and I'll feel insecure afterwards. But no she pushed and I tried.
I ended up meeting 3 great guys. 2 are just friends, which is great. I don't mind that as I'm newer to this city.
But there is 1 that I'm left scratching my head to as I think about him. And that is who I need advice on.

We started talking at the beginning of Feb. Then he kinda disappeared for a week or so which he did message and say that he was busy and wouldn't be able to reply. Then after sometime he reached out again and since then we have been messaging.
At the beginning of April we finally changed over to texting instead of the FB dating app. But as we continue to message there I grew frustrated with him.
He never flirts, compliments or suggests anything to graduate us from just texting. And then usually I get one response in a day. And sometimes I get a response after 2 to 4 days.
Which I know people get busy or they are shy to put themselves out there. But I also know this generation we have our phones attached to our hands.

Anyways, finally I threw out a "we should meet when allowed" type of message.
And his response was basically, "I had a learning experience from my last relationship and not looking to rush into a new one AND I dont even know if I'm looking for a relationship at this time"
I asked a few things and got a bit more detail into what he stated. He pretty much said that he flew to Europe to meet a girl and things didn't work and since then he takes time to get to know people before committing and that he planned to move from his parents and was looking for a relationship before Covid broke out.

I sorta understand his reasons but I also just suggested we meet not get married.

Anyways, after that talk we just went back to the usual messages. The talk about our day and Netflix shows. And the usual once a day messages from his side
I feel stupid to put myself out there and his reasonings were like this.
But now I'm just growing frustrated as we have been messaging for over 3.5 months and I don't know where this is going. I just don't want to continue wasting time if there is nothing gonna come out of this. Does that make sense? He just never gives off any indication as to what he wants or if he has any interest in me.
BUT I should say that he messages more than just the typical, "good. Great. Okay " responses. We actually have full convos.

Should I continue to entertain the one a day messages?
Should I play tit for tat and message like he does in terms to the response time?
Should I just leave it and stop wasting my time? Should I continue to just let this grow and see where it goes? 

I just feel confused with the situation and not sure what he is even looking for from me. Any suggestions would be great.

I am honestly use to the guys that give off red flags, or ghost by now. Or they flirt and push to meet asap. So in away this guy is like a breath of fresh air. But still I am confused by his actions.

Thanks so much!
 

Nowhere. It's going nowhere. He doesn't have interest in you, but for whatever reason keeps you around (and you let him by wanting more and settling for less).

You are confused because you are denying the truth (that it's not going to happen) which contradicts your gut feeling.

Edited by Hopeful30
  • Thanks 1
  • Author
Posted
On 6/19/2020 at 1:31 PM, elaine567 said:

What is there to be "confused" about?
People who want to be in a relationship never say things like that. They are too worried that they might lose you
As soon as he said that, that was your cue to stop considering him as a viable prospect.
Where is this going?
Nowhere,.

Thanks for the advice!

  • Author
Posted
On 6/19/2020 at 3:19 PM, Hopeful30 said:

Nowhere. It's going nowhere. He doesn't have interest in you, but for whatever reason keeps you around (and you let him by wanting more and settling for less).

You are confused because you are denying the truth (that it's not going to happen) which contradicts your gut feeling.

Thanks for the advice!

  • Author
Posted
On 6/19/2020 at 1:03 PM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

I have no prominent negative vibes of all that you have described to this point.  I merely had to recognize  (from merely a possibility standpoint) that he could in fact be a room full of sorority girls.

 

I truthfully suspect that your own shared interactions of the past will allow for a considerably comfortable interaction in person, because you know what subjects to cover.  

 

And the lack of pressure may prove additionally refreshing.

 

I hope all goes well for you.

 

 

Well we turned out to be the same person as per the photos. So thats a great start!! Lol

And overall the time with him was great. I thought the convo was great and kept going. We spent just over 4 hours at the restaurant. We laughed and talked and it seemed good. But i guess lets see if he does follow up with a text 

And the only thing about him and I mean no disrespect or anything. BUT I honestly get a gay vibe from him 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️ which I did question before just because of the way he messaged sometimes it had a more feminine touch. And again nothing wrong with that at all!

I had a great time with him and enjoyed laughs with him and it was nice to get out of the house!

  • Author
Posted
On 6/18/2020 at 8:36 PM, Versacehottie said:

Yeah slowing down the response is good.  It's the one thing definitive between you both now that shows how much or how little he factors into your life or is a priority to you.  People don't always interpret it correctly because some people reply quickly no matter what because they do so with everyone so a person has to play the game to convey the priority level.  

I have to say that he is acting a bit like he believes if he gives you an inch you will take a mile and he will find himself in a full blown relationship.  It may or may not be what you mean but skittish guys can really interpret things that way and you will find yourself in a conundrum of how to show interest and let him pursue when he's taking everything so seriously.  The best way to do that IMO is to NOT allow any serious talk; no need to define the relationship, to say what it is or what it isn't.  I mean, is he joking?!?! It's premature of him to say anything anyway, like relax buddy.  Yet he's still taking you out tomorrow so he doesn't really know what he wants.  Even if he says that it's 'friends", come on he's leaving the door open as you are too and you both know that.  Just be cautious because in this scenario, he kind of holds all the cards.  So IMO any more of his defining the relationship type stuff you have to laugh him off and blow him off about it (for now).  That's a benefit he gets when he actually wants to pursue something with you--he effectively already blew it when he cried "friends".  He can't have it both ways so don't let him--or definitely don't let him think it!  I have to say a guy that talks to you for 5 months and then lays down the friends card (while you met on a dating site!!) is one of those guys that sounds like he really likes the deep talks and defining relationships and emotional stuff that comes with it.  Probably likes to know he's desirable as boyfriend material---do not give him that reassurance you will have to throw him off balance a little to get him where he is actually motivated to do something!***  Doubt he is just looking for a hookup because he wouldn't have put in this much work connecting--which lets you know he's that guy who wants that (kind of like a semi-replacement girlfriend who gives female attention and makes him feel good about himself without him having to risk getting hurt or doing real boyfriend "work" and he can bop in and out as he pleases--which is not good for you!).  Play the game right with this guy :) for your own sake and for the potential success of it if you find him worthy of being with.

****I just heard this study (old but new to me) that people who create plan B's are less motivated in general about forward momentum on their plan.  The study was "in general/on all things" but immediately I thought of dating dilemmas where a person allows themselves to be a plan b or does that to someone--you definitely don't want that pattern to set in because it's a low level of success. My advice would have been the same before I heard of the study but even more so now.  Don't allow yourself to be his Plan B plan/person. Good luck :) 

So we met! And I felt it went great. 

BUT I honestly get a gay vibe from him which maybe explains many many MANY things. I did question it before but sorta shrugged it off. But after meeting, I felt a bigger sense. Which is 100% okay. He is a great guy and we laughed and talked for over 4 hours. 

But finally. After close to 5 months, we met. Yay

  • Like 1
Posted
9 hours ago, Lea2020 said:

So we met! And I felt it went great. 

BUT I honestly get a gay vibe from him which maybe explains many many MANY things. I did question it before but sorta shrugged it off. But after meeting, I felt a bigger sense. Which is 100% okay. He is a great guy and we laughed and talked for over 4 hours. 

But finally. After close to 5 months, we met. Yay

Well that's good that you met.  Even though it went well and enjoyed yourself, make sure you now put yourself completely in the driver's seat.  I know that if you were trying to get your "chance" and couldn't get him to meet you prior to this for all that time that kind of keeps a person in there for the challenge of it all. So you accomplished that now make sure it doesn't get you over-invested or even invested in him as boyfriend material for you.  Try to start from a clean slate.

It's funny maybe you just aren't the gushing type but I kind of catch a friend vibe toward him when you write that you met.  Examine that :) Also did it cross your mind that if he's gay, bi or asexual that is a big part of the reason he had no rush to meet?  I don't know if you want to go down this road--it sounds unsatisfying.  Idk, as dating material that would totally turn me off of him overall (for dating, not as a friend).

Glad you met up & let us know what happens next.  Keep dating IMO :)

×
×
  • Create New...