Lea2020 Posted May 22, 2020 Posted May 22, 2020 Hey everyone, I came across this forum as like others I am in need of some advice. Backstory: I have been single for about 1.5 years now. I tried the dating apps during that time but I wasnt 100% sure what I was looking for. So I stopped and starting working on myself. Then I had a friend really push that I should try Facebook dating. I thought no, it'll be the same thing, same guys and I'll feel insecure afterwards. But no she pushed and I tried. I ended up meeting 3 great guys. 2 are just friends, which is great. I don't mind that as I'm newer to this city. But there is 1 that I'm left scratching my head to as I think about him. And that is who I need advice on. We started talking at the beginning of Feb. Then he kinda disappeared for a week or so which he did message and say that he was busy and wouldn't be able to reply. Then after sometime he reached out again and since then we have been messaging. At the beginning of April we finally changed over to texting instead of the FB dating app. But as we continue to message there I grew frustrated with him. He never flirts, compliments or suggests anything to graduate us from just texting. And then usually I get one response in a day. And sometimes I get a response after 2 to 4 days. Which I know people get busy or they are shy to put themselves out there. But I also know this generation we have our phones attached to our hands. Anyways, finally I threw out a "we should meet when allowed" type of message. And his response was basically, "I had a learning experience from my last relationship and not looking to rush into a new one AND I dont even know if I'm looking for a relationship at this time" I asked a few things and got a bit more detail into what he stated. He pretty much said that he flew to Europe to meet a girl and things didn't work and since then he takes time to get to know people before committing and that he planned to move from his parents and was looking for a relationship before Covid broke out. I sorta understand his reasons but I also just suggested we meet not get married. Anyways, after that talk we just went back to the usual messages. The talk about our day and Netflix shows. And the usual once a day messages from his side I feel stupid to put myself out there and his reasonings were like this. But now I'm just growing frustrated as we have been messaging for over 3.5 months and I don't know where this is going. I just don't want to continue wasting time if there is nothing gonna come out of this. Does that make sense? He just never gives off any indication as to what he wants or if he has any interest in me. BUT I should say that he messages more than just the typical, "good. Great. Okay " responses. We actually have full convos. Should I continue to entertain the one a day messages? Should I play tit for tat and message like he does in terms to the response time? Should I just leave it and stop wasting my time? Should I continue to just let this grow and see where it goes? I just feel confused with the situation and not sure what he is even looking for from me. Any suggestions would be great. I am honestly use to the guys that give off red flags, or ghost by now. Or they flirt and push to meet asap. So in away this guy is like a breath of fresh air. But still I am confused by his actions. Thanks so much!
smackie9 Posted May 22, 2020 Posted May 22, 2020 You have the pushy ones (common), and the indifferent ones. They are both types of tools that are not worth your time. He ain't no breath of fresh air, he's polluting your time. 1 1
Amanda141 Posted May 22, 2020 Posted May 22, 2020 Hi Lea, if I were you I would just stop wasting my time with him. I understand that everything is a bit chaotic now due to the coronavirus, but texting for 3.5 months without even a prospect of meeting when allowed, for me it is pointless. If I were you, I would just move on and try to meet new people. Since he answers just once a day (or even less), maybe it could be possible that you're just a back-up plan, and wants to keep you around in case things don't work with someone he likes more. But that's just my opinion. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted May 22, 2020 Posted May 22, 2020 Not only can you tell from his ACTIONS that he only wants a pen pal, but he TOLD you. What entitles you to have more with him, when that clearly isn't what he wants?? 1 1
Author Lea2020 Posted May 22, 2020 Author Posted May 22, 2020 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: You have the pushy ones (common), and the indifferent ones. They are both types of tools that are not worth your time. He ain't no breath of fresh air, he's polluting your time. You are so right. Thank you for the response!! Where do you find guys that don't pollute the air though?? I feel like they dont exist lol
Author Lea2020 Posted May 22, 2020 Author Posted May 22, 2020 2 hours ago, amanda141 said: Hi Lea, if I were you I would just stop wasting my time with him. I understand that everything is a bit chaotic now due to the coronavirus, but texting for 3.5 months without even a prospect of meeting when allowed, for me it is pointless. If I were you, I would just move on and try to meet new people. Since he answers just once a day (or even less), maybe it could be possible that you're just a back-up plan, and wants to keep you around in case things don't work with someone he likes more. But that's just my opinion. And that was my thought that given the circumstances meeting wasn't really on the table. But we could have talked about it more. And you are right about the back up plan. I feel like that is the case. I was just trying for once to not rush something and see how it grew but we hit the potential and I don't feel like anything more will come from this texting relationship. Thank you for your response!
Author Lea2020 Posted May 22, 2020 Author Posted May 22, 2020 40 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Not only can you tell from his ACTIONS that he only wants a pen pal, but he TOLD you. What entitles you to have more with him, when that clearly isn't what he wants?? I never thought of it like a Pen Pal thing. Thank you for that insight!! I don't feel entitled to have anything more. But he did say we would meet as things get better. However as someone else said, I'm most likely a back up plan given his response time and all. I was just trying to let it grow and not control so much. But you are 100% right about this penpal thing. That is what this is and i never ever looked at it like that. Again, thank you for your response!! 1
smackie9 Posted May 22, 2020 Posted May 22, 2020 3 hours ago, Lea2020 said: You are so right. Thank you for the response!! Where do you find guys that don't pollute the air though?? I feel like they dont exist lol On dating apps few and far between. real life is the only way to really go...meeting someone through friends/family. 2 1
Author Lea2020 Posted May 23, 2020 Author Posted May 23, 2020 19 hours ago, smackie9 said: On dating apps few and far between. real life is the only way to really go...meeting someone through friends/family. Yes that is true. I just moved to a new city about 1.5 years back and I have no family or friends here. But of course through work I have made those friendships so lets see what happens. It's hard to make any type of connection
smackie9 Posted May 23, 2020 Posted May 23, 2020 You make connections with activities that involves other people. These days it's more difficult, but I'm sure if small gatherings are acceptable, start inviting people out, or over for a bbq/brunch/wine tasting, etc. The more social interaction irl, the more likely you will meet someone nice. 2
Miss Spider Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 On 5/22/2020 at 3:49 PM, smackie9 said: On dating apps few and far between. real life is the only way to really go...meeting someone through friends/family. I agree with this completely
simpycurious Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) On 5/23/2020 at 12:58 PM, smackie9 said: You make connections with activities that involves other people. These days it's more difficult, but I'm sure if small gatherings are acceptable, start inviting people out, or over for a bbq/brunch/wine tasting, etc. The more social interaction irl, the more likely you will meet someone nice. Very well said.....I also THINK that you need to KNOW what you are looking for in someone..... I wonder how dating will differ going forward (at least until a vaccine is available)? I know it's different everywhere but where I am there is very little social distancing taking place. Edited May 25, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Versacehottie Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 I think it's basically a waste of time to talk to this guy. He's not giving you what you want. And you are hanging in there with no real reason to. I think if you were actively dating others and took him with a grain of salt in your communicating with him whereas you were in the decider role then it would be fine to talk to him as it suits you. But that's not what is happening. You are talking to him waiting for him to come around in some way. Hell nah. Take the creator/proactive role in your life and date others. Honestly just leave him hanging and if you feel like answering after some of these other dating things come about then maybe. distant maybe! BTW, he's an idiot for being on a dating app with no real intention to do so. That either makes him someone who is trying to churn through people looking for some excitement in which case you should definitely get rid of him (cause he doesn't see enough of it in you, even if he's wrong). OR he needs an ego boost, which is either a permanent thing or maybe some insecurity from the last breakup. Anyway, you are not an ego booster, you a potential girlfriend so throw him on the back burner for sure if this is the case. Good luck 1
Calmandfocused Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) This man sounds incredibly hard work op. What’s got my goat is that he sees a date as a “commitment”! So he doesn’t want to “commit” to a date yet he’s on a dating website? WTF! Your man needs to grow a pair of balls and make a decision. He will do this when you stop enabling this ridiculous behaviour. So what you do? My advice is for you to ask him on a date. Specify the date, time, place etc and ask him to meet you. If he says no, detracts, give some BS excuse etc, you don’t respond to him again... Ever! Sounds like he’s wasting your time. Edited May 25, 2020 by Calmandfocused 2 1
scooby-philly Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 As a guy and as a guy who's had his heart broken before, even I can look at the situation and say - WTF! I mean, you met before lockdown happened in the USA. And not even every state went into total lockdown. Guys are pretty much the same - if we like someone we will pursue it. It's that simple. Now some guys are beaten down by life or past heartaches or self-esteem issues and they won't pursue. And other guys have psychological issues and won't ever pursue because they like to tease, flirt, and only want women chasing them. Leaving aside both of those groups, the average, normal guy would not wait a month to ask you out...but if he has a job let's say that's very heavy in one season - like accountants from February through April because of taxes, he'd still make his interest clear and even during the lockdown, if you didn't get the chance to meet before then...he'd be very clear with his intent to meetup the second it's lifted in your area and/or when you feel safe meeting up and he's probably want to video chat with you before that! So whatever the reasons, and this doesn't make him a "bad" guy... but he's just not ready for a relationship despite being on a dating app. Move on and find someone ready! 1
preraph Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 I guess he's been burned and now he's looking for some guarantee that woman is just right before he even meets her. Of course you cannot know someone just from texting. you absolutely cannot know if you're compatible until you meet face to face a couple of times. Whether you're even attracted even if the photo is decent. people in motion are a lot different from people in still photos. So he's mistaken in his approach but the bottom line is he has told you flat-out he's not ready to date and I certainly would not sit around and wait for him to be. Just fade out and date other people. 2 1
Miss Spider Posted May 25, 2020 Posted May 25, 2020 Agree completely with preraph... people are completely diff irl. You just never know 2
Author Lea2020 Posted May 26, 2020 Author Posted May 26, 2020 On 5/23/2020 at 10:58 AM, smackie9 said: You make connections with activities that involves other people. These days it's more difficult, but I'm sure if small gatherings are acceptable, start inviting people out, or over for a bbq/brunch/wine tasting, etc. The more social interaction irl, the more likely you will meet someone nice. Yes it is a touch more difficult these days. I just find the people I have developed friendships with are on the boring side. No one seems to want to do much and it's even more so these days as we can't do much lol.
Author Lea2020 Posted May 26, 2020 Author Posted May 26, 2020 On 5/23/2020 at 9:18 PM, CaliforniaGirl said: Literally a waste of time, I am sorry... Don't be sorry! I came for advice and I like honest advice. So thank you
Author Lea2020 Posted May 26, 2020 Author Posted May 26, 2020 On 5/25/2020 at 7:40 AM, simpycurious said: Very well said.....I also THINK that you need to KNOW what you are looking for in someone..... I wonder how dating will differ going forward (at least until a vaccine is available)? I know it's different everywhere but where I am there is very little social distancing taking place. I did lots of thinking and I know what I want from someone. After my last breakup and navigating the dating world since, it all helped me piece together what I want in someone. But great advice! Yes itll be curious to see how everything plays out, not even just dating but even meeting friends for dinner or drinks. Everything will be changed. My area just started reopening things so there is a bit more opportunities to be out but everyone has their comfort and I for one, don't want to be waiting to eat out or go shopping as they limited the occupancy of restaurants and stores 1
Author Lea2020 Posted May 26, 2020 Author Posted May 26, 2020 22 hours ago, Versacehottie said: I think it's basically a waste of time to talk to this guy. He's not giving you what you want. And you are hanging in there with no real reason to. I think if you were actively dating others and took him with a grain of salt in your communicating with him whereas you were in the decider role then it would be fine to talk to him as it suits you. But that's not what is happening. You are talking to him waiting for him to come around in some way. Hell nah. Take the creator/proactive role in your life and date others. Honestly just leave him hanging and if you feel like answering after some of these other dating things come about then maybe. distant maybe! BTW, he's an idiot for being on a dating app with no real intention to do so. That either makes him someone who is trying to churn through people looking for some excitement in which case you should definitely get rid of him (cause he doesn't see enough of it in you, even if he's wrong). OR he needs an ego boost, which is either a permanent thing or maybe some insecurity from the last breakup. Anyway, you are not an ego booster, you a potential girlfriend so throw him on the back burner for sure if this is the case. Good luck Thank you for the great advice! You have some amazing points!! And honestly, I seem to ALWAYS a find the guys in these apps that aren't looking to date. I've found married men which I soon sniff out and just many guys that want fun or friendships. Its honestly very annoying and I'm tired of wasting my time. 1
Author Lea2020 Posted May 26, 2020 Author Posted May 26, 2020 20 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: This man sounds incredibly hard work op. What’s got my goat is that he sees a date as a “commitment”! So he doesn’t want to “commit” to a date yet he’s on a dating website? WTF! Your man needs to grow a pair of balls and make a decision. He will do this when you stop enabling this ridiculous behaviour. So what you do? My advice is for you to ask him on a date. Specify the date, time, place etc and ask him to meet you. If he says no, detracts, give some BS excuse etc, you don’t respond to him again... Ever! Sounds like he’s wasting your time. Thank you for the advice!! So many guys are on these dating apps with no intent to date. Its really frustrating!! We did talk about meeting over the weekend. And with this whole covid situation, he doesn't want to meet until things are a bit more safe. Which in a way, I feel i need to respect because everyone has their own views on this virus But with that, I did get from that he only wants a friendship at this time. So I 100% got my answer. Where before he was on the fence when we talked about this the first time.
Author Lea2020 Posted May 26, 2020 Author Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, scooby-philly said: As a guy and as a guy who's had his heart broken before, even I can look at the situation and say - WTF! I mean, you met before lockdown happened in the USA. And not even every state went into total lockdown. Guys are pretty much the same - if we like someone we will pursue it. It's that simple. Now some guys are beaten down by life or past heartaches or self-esteem issues and they won't pursue. And other guys have psychological issues and won't ever pursue because they like to tease, flirt, and only want women chasing them. Leaving aside both of those groups, the average, normal guy would not wait a month to ask you out...but if he has a job let's say that's very heavy in one season - like accountants from February through April because of taxes, he'd still make his interest clear and even during the lockdown, if you didn't get the chance to meet before then...he'd be very clear with his intent to meetup the second it's lifted in your area and/or when you feel safe meeting up and he's probably want to video chat with you before that! So whatever the reasons, and this doesn't make him a "bad" guy... but he's just not ready for a relationship despite being on a dating app. Move on and find someone ready! Thank you for the advice! It's always great to have advice from a guys point of view. And everything you state is so true! He is definitely not a bad guy. From what I have gathered from him. He is just a confused guy lol. I did message him the other day and I recieved some more answers and he is only looking for a friendship at this time. I found that many guys in my area use dating apps to find friends or hook ups. Edited May 26, 2020 by Lea2020 2
Author Lea2020 Posted May 26, 2020 Author Posted May 26, 2020 19 hours ago, preraph said: I guess he's been burned and now he's looking for some guarantee that woman is just right before he even meets her. Of course you cannot know someone just from texting. you absolutely cannot know if you're compatible until you meet face to face a couple of times. Whether you're even attracted even if the photo is decent. people in motion are a lot different from people in still photos. So he's mistaken in his approach but the bottom line is he has told you flat-out he's not ready to date and I certainly would not sit around and wait for him to be. Just fade out and date other people. You are right. I've messaged people then we meet and it's like wtf, who are you?? Lol completely different in person. I usually don't like to message this long without meeting someone but then the virus hit and closed many things. So there wasn't much choice. In the first talk he was very much on the fence about the dating thing. He first said he isn't looking for a relationship but then said that he wanted. So it wasn't a clear answer. But I did get that clear answer over the weekend and he just wants a friendship 1
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