Juha Posted May 23, 2020 Posted May 23, 2020 I would not say you wasted your time at all, you had 2 great years with her, but also hopefully you learned if things are not how you would like in a relationship that you need to communicate clearly the issue and if it does not get better then cut bait quickly and move on to heal.... I also think she did you a favor as if an adult lets her parents have that much control over her then you are better off without her It does seem like the parents decided she should not date you and she followed what they wanted to keep her parents happy Best to avoid people who can't think for themselves or live their own life. 1
Author feelergauge Posted May 23, 2020 Author Posted May 23, 2020 Id like to say a HUGE thank you to all that replied, really, thank you. She called today to discuss "our situation" I went over, in a nutshell, she finds me sexually unattractive due to me being overweight and sex is uncomfortable, kinda true, but pressures from parents I believe is the #1 issue, they ride her about being successful in life and don't need a boyfriend. She totally admits masturbation, but sex with me is a turn off, and basically cried telling me all that because she been holding it all back for a long time. Strongly said no sex with anyone.... even came to dinner this evening and she paid!! so, Ill keep it on downlow and keep posting as I continue whether to walk out or hold on... Again, thank you for your replies, I do see the HUGE RED FLAGS....... 1
5x5 Posted May 23, 2020 Posted May 23, 2020 3 hours ago, feelergauge said: She called today to discuss "our situation" I went over, in a nutshell, she finds me sexually unattractive due to me being overweight and sex is uncomfortable, kinda true, but pressures from parents I believe is the #1 issue, they ride her about being successful in life and don't need a boyfriend. Instead of discounting what she has actually told you (i.e. not listening to her), why don't you do the smart thing and actually pay attention to how she feels on this. 3 hours ago, feelergauge said: Strongly said no sex with anyone.... Especially and most specifically you. So she remains determined not to have sex with you. 3 hours ago, feelergauge said: so, Ill keep it on downlow and keep posting as I continue whether to walk out or hold on... Well you've waited a year without sex and done nothing of consequence to change that to date. So I don't see anything wrong with you remaining indecisive on whether you should suck up another year or many more of no sex to no end going forward. Good luck though, since you really need it. 1
Miss Spider Posted May 23, 2020 Posted May 23, 2020 (edited) I don't see how you have any other option to leave unless you want to be on here 10 years from now, now married, in a dead bedrooms. She's not sexually attracted to you and sexual attraction is very hard rekindle when lost. I guess she loves this set up though because she's getting all the perks of having a relationship without having to sleep with you. But are you getting what you need out of it. Anyway, wondering is she asian or part asian because I was raised the same way and so was most of my family. Edited May 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough 4
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2020 Posted May 23, 2020 She got turned off more than a year ago as no doubt she was "putting up with it" for a while until she shut you down all together. Seems to me there are peaks and troughs in sexual attraction but for this to occur in such a short relationship and for such a long time, is not a good sign, in fact it is an awful sign. She obviously is quite happy at the moment being in a sexless relationship with you. Now this has come to a head, she may agree to sex for a while, but she will still not be turned on, so make sure you use loads of lube. As you are obese, then make sure you are not leaning your weight on her and crushing her. After a while it will be back to no sex, as soon as she thinks she can get away with it. Women rarely get sexual attraction back once it is gone. The trouble with no sex is also the lack of affection that comes with it. She will avoid doing any thing that may turn you on, so no kisses, no big hugs, no cuddles, no touches... As you have already found, she will get annoyed by any attempt at intimacy. If she feels she needs to, she may pretend for a while too, but it will all get back to a big fat zero as her heart is just not in it. If you think you can put up with that long term then carry on. Yes you could lose weight, build muscle and get very fit, but it is still no guarantee that she will find you sexually attractive, sorry to say. Sometimes when it is gone, it is just gone. Unless she is an asexual being at heart, then she IS going to, at some point, be looking elsewhere for a guy who does turn her on. A guy her parents will approve of too. 5
Blind-Sided Posted May 23, 2020 Posted May 23, 2020 7 hours ago, feelergauge said: She totally admits masturbation, but sex with me is a turn off, ...... Strongly said no sex with anyone.... If she is taking care of her own needs.... and says sex with you is a turn off... the point of not having sex with anyone is a flat out lie. As said already... she will eventually find someone else to "Fill that need." So it will go from a "No Sex" relationship to a "She cheated on me" relationship. And as already said... once the flame of passion is gone... it really can't be relit. It's all mental, and even if you get fit... she doesn't want anything other than a guy friend to have close. And that's exactly what has happened... she has a guy friend in you. 7 hours ago, feelergauge said: Again, thank you for your replies, I do see the HUGE RED FLAGS....... Man... these aren't huge red flags... this is her flat out saying... THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER !! she just doesn't have to will power to say it. You need the self respect to just walk away ! You have only been together for 3 years... and the last year has been bad. I'm very sorry to be that blunt, but it's the truth. The relationship has reached it's end, and you need to just move on. 1
Calmandfocused Posted May 23, 2020 Posted May 23, 2020 Op I haven’t read the replies but I’ll get straight to the point: Shes using you! Using you for company, fun, thrills etc, but mainly because she doesn’t want to be alone. Think about it- you give her everything she needs but your needs aren’t being met. Op she isn’t interested in an intimate relationship with you. Maybe she was at one point but she isn’t anymore. I know that’s hard to hear but please wake up and see this. I don’t know why she’s stopped wanting to make love to you but the point is she has. And you shouldn’t settle for that. So there’s 2 choices here: either she works with you to resume the intimacy or the “relationship” ends. No inbetween. Don’t settle for how this currently is. It’s not doing you any good and you need to think about what’s best for you. Finally you need to show her through your behaviour that her days of using you for her own selfish needs are over. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 23, 2020 Posted May 23, 2020 On 5/21/2020 at 9:54 PM, feelergauge said: Hi, I thought I would never post something as personal as this, so, I'll try give you some insight. I 53, she 37, starting dating 3 years ago, incredible, beautiful, sharp, intellectual, intimacy was A+, closeness was amazing, vacations... the newly wed kind of thing.. As time progressed, her emotions completely switched OFF me, onto her new job, found little time for me, 1st 2 years, seriously amazing... She has lost interest in sex with me, but still wants to do the FUN stuff with me, ie, ride motorcycles, dirt bikes, swimming, movies, hang out with friends. (pre covid) when I mention sex, all I get in return is "oh that again, is that all you think of" I'll occasionally stay over at her house, sleep in same bed, NO SEX, no cuddles, kiss. I did catch her cheating with a guy she invited over to her place, I surprised visit her and saw him trying to kiss her as they play fought, kinda never got over this... she said she made a terrible mistake, this was 5 months ago, she also has parents that, for the least, rule her life even though she 37 and they are lovely to me, but when my back is turned they are saying to her, why are you hanging out with him, you two spend too much time together. In a nutshell, about this time last year, her father basically blasted me for being around her, her coming around me, he gave the same pep talk with her, since that day, intimacy gone, no holding hands, kiss, cuddle, yes, they interfered in her last marriage (we both divorced) I believe no one is good enough for our daughter syndrome....... I have said to her over the past few months, we are just friends and that's it, I told her I need affection, basically turned it around saying I'm looking for sex again!!!! So this evening I texted her, this is obviously not working, and its been a year since we had sex, and we are just friends and this relationship is going backwards.. Her reply, Ok, good night!!! What the Heck is that kind of reply!!! Am I completely wasting my time, 3 years,? Thanks for any input. I hate to say this, but she is looking for something else. Younger, perhaps her job and professional movement has her seeing other 'greener' prospects.
GoldenR Posted May 23, 2020 Posted May 23, 2020 Please tell me you're not seriously that naive to believe she isn't having sex with someone else. It doesn't matter how vehemently she denies. She's f***ing someone, or someones, but not you. You are her security blanket, her emotional tampon, and basically her sugar daddy. But bc she bought you one meal, you're like "I'm all in!". Come on! 2
smackie9 Posted May 23, 2020 Posted May 23, 2020 (edited) My husband is now fat....I still love him deeply....... better consider not holding on if she's having issues. Edited May 23, 2020 by smackie9 3 1
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2020 Posted May 23, 2020 Someone tells you to your face you are a turn off in bed and you're considering holding on??? At your age shouldn't you have more wisdom than this? 5
CaliforniaGirl Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 10 hours ago, smackie9 said: My husband is now fat....I still love him deeply....... better consider not holding on if she's having issues. I personally think it's probably not about his weight per se. You already loved your husband...these two were only dating...she may have just been trying to be attracted because he seemed like a good man, but if it isn't there, it isn't. 1
smackie9 Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 12 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: I personally think it's probably not about his weight per se. You already loved your husband...these two were only dating...she may have just been trying to be attracted because he seemed like a good man, but if it isn't there, it isn't. That's what I meant. It has more than to do with the weight issues. Some people simply fall out of love and the relationship has run it's course. It can be confusing so they find excuses. 1
BaileyB Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 There is lot to be said for knowing when to call it a day... and moving on with grace and dignity. It’s pretty clear that this relationship has run its course, for a variety of reasons. You are well into your middle age, is this really what you want for the rest of your life? Because if it’s not, if you want to find a woman who loves you, is independent of her parents, and wants to enjoy the rest of her years with a good man... you better go out and find that. 3 1
kendahke Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 On 5/23/2020 at 12:16 AM, feelergauge said: even came to dinner this evening and she paid!! That's her doing damage control---to manipulate you into keeping the stream of gifts with no sex flowing... and you fell right back into it. Unforced errors looming.... 1
Hopeful30 Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 On 5/21/2020 at 11:54 PM, feelergauge said: Hi, I thought I would never post something as personal as this, so, I'll try give you some insight. I 53, she 37, starting dating 3 years ago, incredible, beautiful, sharp, intellectual, intimacy was A+, closeness was amazing, vacations... the newly wed kind of thing.. As time progressed, her emotions completely switched OFF me, onto her new job, found little time for me, 1st 2 years, seriously amazing... She has lost interest in sex with me, but still wants to do the FUN stuff with me, ie, ride motorcycles, dirt bikes, swimming, movies, hang out with friends. (pre covid) when I mention sex, all I get in return is "oh that again, is that all you think of" I'll occasionally stay over at her house, sleep in same bed, NO SEX, no cuddles, kiss. I did catch her cheating with a guy she invited over to her place, I surprised visit her and saw him trying to kiss her as they play fought, kinda never got over this... she said she made a terrible mistake, this was 5 months ago, she also has parents that, for the least, rule her life even though she 37 and they are lovely to me, but when my back is turned they are saying to her, why are you hanging out with him, you two spend too much time together. In a nutshell, about this time last year, her father basically blasted me for being around her, her coming around me, he gave the same pep talk with her, since that day, intimacy gone, no holding hands, kiss, cuddle, yes, they interfered in her last marriage (we both divorced) I believe no one is good enough for our daughter syndrome....... I have said to her over the past few months, we are just friends and that's it, I told her I need affection, basically turned it around saying I'm looking for sex again!!!! So this evening I texted her, this is obviously not working, and its been a year since we had sex, and we are just friends and this relationship is going backwards.. Her reply, Ok, good night!!! What the Heck is that kind of reply!!! Am I completely wasting my time, 3 years,? Thanks for any input. She's lost interest, and she doesn't even have the decency to be straight about it. What is keeping you interested in the relationship? I know when I stop having sex with a man for such long periods, it's because I am not into him anymore.
elaine567 Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 10 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said: she doesn't even have the decency to be straight about it. She is being straight about it now. On 5/23/2020 at 5:16 AM, feelergauge said: She called today to discuss "our situation" I went over, in a nutshell, she finds me sexually unattractive due to me being overweight and sex is uncomfortable, kinda true, but pressures from parents I believe is the #1 issue, they ride her about being successful in life and don't need a boyfriend.
Spainglish Posted May 24, 2020 Posted May 24, 2020 If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. One year of no intimacy is a clear sign she's moved on. 1
Phallacy Posted July 6, 2020 Posted July 6, 2020 She’s an adult and her dad is involved? f*** that s*** She was prolly expecting a ring and is being passive aggressive about it. I’d backed off and date others
notbroken Posted July 6, 2020 Posted July 6, 2020 Drop her like a rock. Seriously. Never 'date' anyone that doesn't want sex regularly. That's just being friends. No - sex is not everything - but it is a lot and important to the health of a relationship. Absolutely NO WAY do you go a year without finding out what is going on (and moving on if it is not ok with you). You are a piggy bank/fun to this girl. That's it.
Snow_Queen Posted July 6, 2020 Posted July 6, 2020 It’s sounds like you’re waiting for her to literally tell you it’s over. For whatever reason, she doesn’t have the ability to do this. That leaves you holding onto hope that’s one sided. This cycle will continue until either she gets tired of you not accepting the relationship’s demise or you grow weary of her not willing to progress it. 1
Hopeful30 Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 On 5/21/2020 at 11:54 PM, feelergauge said: Hi, I thought I would never post something as personal as this, so, I'll try give you some insight. I 53, she 37, starting dating 3 years ago, incredible, beautiful, sharp, intellectual, intimacy was A+, closeness was amazing, vacations... the newly wed kind of thing.. As time progressed, her emotions completely switched OFF me, onto her new job, found little time for me, 1st 2 years, seriously amazing... She has lost interest in sex with me, but still wants to do the FUN stuff with me, ie, ride motorcycles, dirt bikes, swimming, movies, hang out with friends. (pre covid) when I mention sex, all I get in return is "oh that again, is that all you think of" I'll occasionally stay over at her house, sleep in same bed, NO SEX, no cuddles, kiss. I did catch her cheating with a guy she invited over to her place, I surprised visit her and saw him trying to kiss her as they play fought, kinda never got over this... she said she made a terrible mistake, this was 5 months ago, she also has parents that, for the least, rule her life even though she 37 and they are lovely to me, but when my back is turned they are saying to her, why are you hanging out with him, you two spend too much time together. In a nutshell, about this time last year, her father basically blasted me for being around her, her coming around me, he gave the same pep talk with her, since that day, intimacy gone, no holding hands, kiss, cuddle, yes, they interfered in her last marriage (we both divorced) I believe no one is good enough for our daughter syndrome....... I have said to her over the past few months, we are just friends and that's it, I told her I need affection, basically turned it around saying I'm looking for sex again!!!! So this evening I texted her, this is obviously not working, and its been a year since we had sex, and we are just friends and this relationship is going backwards.. Her reply, Ok, good night!!! What the Heck is that kind of reply!!! Am I completely wasting my time, 3 years,? Thanks for any input. To be completely honest, I think the age difference is to blame. Not because of the years, but because of being in differences stages of life. I once dated a man that was 20 years older, a d while we were compatible in terms of personality, I noticed about 2 years into the relationship that he wanted "grown up" stuff from me while I still wanted to explore flirting, boys my age, fun sex, etc. Sounds to me like she doesn't want to break it off herself, so she's allowing the relationship To deteriorate until you break things off. Judging by her response, it sounds like she is ready to move on... 1
dangerous Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 (edited) Out of interest OP, are you happy with your weight? if you are then, find a woman who is into you the way you are. And if you are not happy with your body weight, then lose some weight, and still find a woman who is into you. This woman is not, so ditch her, and fast. Edited July 7, 2020 by dangerous
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