Ijustdontknow Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Ok, this is a tricky situatuion I have found myself in. About a month ago my girlfriend (and first love) of just over a year and a half, dumped me over a IM even though we live in the same house and she was in the room next door to me. And we allways joked about her not dumping me on MSN as she dumped her last boyfriend over the phone. Anyhoo back to the point... her exact words were... i just don't think i'm in love with you any more i'm sorry i know we want different things after uni, and i just feel like i don't want a relationship right now. with anyone. and that was it. she went out and left me with this... bit of a bombshell, but anyway. I went away for a week, came back and got on with life. *time passes* one thing leads to another and about a week ago we decided to be "friends with benefits" which was probebly a bad idea, although extremly fun at the time. She wasnt so sure to begin with incase _i_ got to involved but I said I would be fine with it. so we were single and lived seperate lives, but still had sex, almost everyday in fact. But last night she came to me in tears after I had been out saying that she regretted everything and wish nothing had ever happened - I think whats this she can't be talking about us? BUT SHE WAS! very confusing, I went to bed. Now this morning she came in in tears again and asked me if there was any chance we could get back together. I said... "I don't know. I don't think I feel the same way anmore" then she runs out crying and starts crying really really loudly in her room. I don't want to go in there or we might end up "friends with benefits"ing again, which would be bad and send her the wrong message. So I sent her an email (allways the easyest way) saying that I don't know what I want and that she put me thought a lot of crap just to change her mind. and that I wan't sure what I wanted. then she sends me this email, I think it would be easyest If I just copy paste. "remember what it was like at Halstead St? We never used to talk. We lived in the same house and we never actually spent any proper time with each other. If we did, we'd end up bickering. It started really getting to me, and at first I considered quitting the course (I didn't really think it was right for me anyway) and being a full-time girlfriend. Then I realised that wouldn't solve anything because you'd still be working on your projects n stuff anyway, and I didn't want to just quit uni - I'd be left with no job offers, an enormous amount of debt, and no idea about what to do next. So I began considering quitting the other thing, which was our relationship. (Obviously looking back I wish I'd opened up and spoken to you at this stage - maybe a lot of **** could've been avoided - but I didn't.) It occurred to me that at some point on your life you wanted to get married, settle dow, have children and a family and all that stuff, and I absolutely didn't. So, obviously, at some point things between us would've ended as we went our seperate ways. I also thought about putting our relationship 'on hold' while we were in our second year, to take some of the pressure off and concentrate on our final films. It seemed like a sensible option at that stage, and thinking we would eventually break up anyway made me think it may be a good idea to end it. Again, I wish we'd spoken about this, and I am entirely to blame as to why we didn't. By the time summer came I'd firmly got the idea in my head that breaking up was going to be the best thing for both of us. When we actually ended it there was a sense of relief. That pressure I had been feeling before was no longer there, and it really felt like I'd done the right thing. This was when you'd gone home however, and obviously things were going to be easy when you weren't around (as it was over summer). As soon as you got back I realised I'd severely ****ed things up. I still had immense feelings for you and you seemed so cool about it all, and I felt absolutely dead inside. Eventually we hugged and for a minute it felt that their was a glimmer of hope that we could get back together, which is how it has been every time we've hugged or sone anything. I would do anything it takes to get back together with you right now. If there is no hope then fair enough - I know this is a difficult decision for both of us. The only thing that keeps crossing my mind is what we both want in the future. For argument's sake assume that we got back together. Would there be any point knowing that we'd end up going separate ways in the future? Or could we enjoy spending time with each other then part as friends? In all honestly I think the likelihood of anything happening between us ever again is slim to none, based on what I have siad already, your reactions to the situation so far and how I'd possibly feel if this had all been the other way around. Again I apologise for not being able to say things face to face. There's a lot I want to say but I bottle up every time I have to say anything, which is why I only ever really say anything to you a) over the computer or b) after I've had something to drink. Until we come to some sort of decision I don't think that hugs or anything is the best way of going about it. I hate false hope. But if you would like to talk about anything then I promise I will try." So what the hell do I do????? I dont want to go back to how things were, and the relationship we had scares me, and I don't ever want to be thinking about marrage and stuff because I m so independant and I did get quite needy towards the end. so heres the question should you have to really try at a relationship to get it to work, or should it just work. and If it doesnt and you have broken up is there any point in trying to get back together and making it work? and is there any point in trying to get this to work when we both know we will seperate again eventually anyway? and also.. Do i need this hassel in my final year of study at university.
brittanyjean259 Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 man that sounds so childish of her dumping you, living in the same house on the internet...than crying about it( i have no room to talk though).... she seems very confused and though i read all your stuff...sorry i didnt want to read the email it was alot and the words were small sorry!lol... a good healthy relationship( like my mother always said) shouldent require work to where you have to sacrafice things you like...( it should help you look forward to it, when things go bad...but when things go bad with the relationship...you tend to look forward to other stuff like friends) thats a bad sign. and if it stressed you out more than 50% of the time...this relationship is not healthy... you should work things out...but you need to talk to her ..ask her how shes feeling...why she did this and what does she want to do about your relationship... work on things your relationship rocky peak doesnt sound as bad as some would... dont let it stress you right now though doesnt seem like you need it
tonyp56 Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Does a relationship require work? Let me ask you this question, what in life doesn't require work. I am sorry, I don't think relationships are supposed to just fall into place. Anything worth keeping, takes work. Think about it this way, what is your dream job? Now thinking about that job, can you say that it will never take work? That you will never have to break a sweat, stay at the office late, spend days, weeks, etc. away from home, spend lots of time learning so that you stay on top of your career, or sacrifice something or things that you want so that you can keep that job. You've got to think about relationships like you think about anything else, nothing comes easy, life is hard, why wouldn't relationships be hard? Now of course, I am not saying that you (or anyone) should have to put up with physical, mental, or any other type of abuse. But, there is way more that couples can work out than what gets worked out in relationships a lot of the time. Most things are fixable, and almost anything is possible. And, you think that you know what will happen, so does she. You don't know, that is the thing you've got to remember. She very well may have a change of heart and marry you, hell, my wife changed her mind about being with me, why couldn't she (your ex) change her mind about not wanting to be married to you? Of course, if you really don't want her, and you don't feel anything for her, don't waste your time. But if you do (which I think you do, if you didn't you wouldn't be asking your questions on this board) give it a shot, you nor her don't know what tomorrow will bring.
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