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do you love your current spouse as much as your first?

Miss Spider

By Miss Spider
in General Relationship Discussion

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
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Do you feel as strongly about your second, third, tenth spouse as much as you do your first?

 

I’d imagine I would need to feel very strongly to marry someone. It’s hard to imagine losing those feelings completely? . Also, with  your first/husband wife, most likely you are youngish, experiencing all the excitement that comes with learning and experiencing life with fresh eyes. You make irreplaceable memories with that person. So can you ever feel as strongly about your next spouse? Sorry if this sounds ignorant. I don’t really have much experience with divorce. 

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Much more. I wish I could erase my first marriage.

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amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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I’m not married but if I do marry him then infinite YES

He's the one I’ve been waiting my whole life for ❤️

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Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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I'm not embarrassed about my first marriage or glad it didn't happen, I did love her but IMO wedding vows are only so good when you throw in mental illness and keeping yourself safe.

My second marriage and current marriage I can only say that I love/loved at that time enough to want to spend the rest of my life with her and marry her, I don't think I can measure the 2 and compare them since they are so different, I also know that love changes over time so the love for my wife is different than it was when we first got married 13 years ago and I don't think I can measure that either, it's just different, better.. sure.. on many things and the same on others but not worse.

 

 

Edited by Art_Critic
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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🥰 awww 

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Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

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I’ve only been married once (to my current wife) but have lived common law with a couple others, and although I loved them all, my wife is the only one where I’ve thought it was somebody I could be with for the rest of my life. Which is why I asked her to marry me.

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Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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Here's my take: by the time a marriage ends, you have pretty much come to terms with the weaknesses of that person and the weaknesses of the relationship. You divorce because none of the old memories ... none of the old excitement ... none of that is able to compensate for the agony and horror of a failing and failed marriage. Most people don't run from a marriage at first blush ... There is usually prolonged tension, misery and lack of truth.  

In the case of me and my ex, we had gone to couples counseling before married ... after we got married ... we worked hard ... and yet the relationship just became a disaster. There is a level of pain and hopelessness in a divorce ... it's not like you're disagreeing over what size house to buy ... In a bad marriage, it's like you just cannot bring yourself to a point of trusting the other person again. Thinking about your question, you might be underestimating the magnitude of the pain and suffering that an unhappy couple goes through. It's almost like coming home to share space with an enemy--that's how bad things get--but the enemy is a person you're supposed to love ... but you can no longer imagine loving them. They treat you as if you have been nothing but a burden to them. 

As for lingering feelings ... hmmmm ... there are moments when I'm reminded of some great times with my ex ... But there's almost an alarm system in my brain that limits the reminiscing. The alarm system reminds me of all the misery that led to the divorce.

But yes ... there is some lingering good feeling ... but there's lingering feeling about ex girlfriends as well. This feeling is not at any level that pops up when I'm dating or with a new partner. I mean ... can you remember how close you were to some college friends? ... and yet you're not close to them now? 

Here's something good. Ten years after we divorced, my brother died. He and I had a tortured and complicated relationship, and I found myself grieving for the relationship we would never have and grieving his death. There was only one person in the world who understood my agony. I emailed her, and she asks if I wanted to talk on the phone. OMG, the conversation with her was JUST what I needed. She came through big time in terms of listening and making insightful comments and sympathizing with my sadness.  She knew what I was going through (my brother had been maddening with her as well.)

I am grateful for her kindness. Literally no one else was in position to help me. Later I consoled her after her mother died (via email). But she's married and she didn't need a phone call from me. Oh ... once I started to date a woman with children (first time I did that) I reached out to my ex because she was now a step-mom. OMG, she was helpful that time again. 

 

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Wow thank you for your insight. That helped me understand  a lot. Thank you for sharing that with me 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I barely remember the feelings I had when I married my first husband.  And I don't recall any special first memories.   It was soooo long ago.    And by the time I left everything had turned to rubbish anyway, so when I met #2, it blew old memories out of the water.   

Edited by basil67
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simpycurious Established Member

simpycurious

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1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Do you feel as strongly about your second, third, tenth spouse as much as you do your first?

 

I’d imagine I would need to feel very strongly to marry someone. It’s hard to imagine losing those feelings completely? . Also, with  your first/husband wife, most likely you are youngish, experiencing all the excitement that comes with learning and experiencing life with fresh eyes. You make irreplaceable memories with that person. So can you ever feel as strongly about your next spouse? Sorry if this sounds ignorant. I don’t really have much experience with divorce. 

Do you think that you (knowing yourself) are capable of loving one single person to the point of actually wanting to get married? If so, what do you think that it would take for you to get to that point with someone?

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

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You usually don't know jack shyt about anything until you hit mid 30's or so.....some even later....so draw your own conclusions based on that …..😂

TFY

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greymatter Established Member

greymatter

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One long marriage was enough for me, but there is no comparison for how I feel about my current partner to how I felt about my former husband. I don't know if I was ever really in love with the ex-H. My partner now is the guy I thought I would never find. How I wish I had met him when we were younger. We are such a great match. I will never get married again as the stakes are too high, but I my current BF is the man I hope to be with forever.

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Blind-Sided Established Member

Blind-Sided

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it's kind of a strange question.  Not strange in a "Goofy" or "unusual" way... but strange in the "Every one is different" way.

OK... for me... I've never been the kind of person who is giddy or love-blind over someone.  So, my day isn't full of day dreams about someone else, or scribbling a name in a notebook.  TO me, love is just an overwhelming feeling of happiness... and to a certain point... a feeling of security.  I know you asked about the "Current" spouse... but with my ex... I can say YES... I was in love just as much with her at 20 years, as I was the day I told her that I loved her.  I was happy to see her after I got home from a business trip, and I knew I could rely on her to make good choices for our home. Sure, that love evolved over the years... but the love was just as strong just the same. Honestly... I had no idea that she was unhappy right up to the end... and that's why I was blind sided.

So... if I get married again... I'm sure that love will be the same as it ever was. 

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Fletch Lives Established Member

Fletch Lives

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It does not matter who you loved in the past, that love is dead. (Once they get through the rebound period - which can sometimes take years.)

All that matters is who you love now.

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Ellener Established Member

Ellener

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Marriage to me was a commitment, I'll always have a residue of those feelings for my husband and the way it was...so I am unlikely to remarry, I'd rather do something else to honour and mark other relationships I think.

1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said:

All that matters is who you love now.

I agree. 

 

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simpycurious Established Member

simpycurious

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The OP really did bring up a good topic and something to definitely MUSE OVER....I guess my question to her original post is can you LOVE someone as much as you did your TRUE FIRST LOVE or is there something about BEING FIRST that always trumps the others if only in the slightest of ways. Kinda like in athletics.....the first interception you ever made, or the first home run you ever hit.....those SIGNIFICANT milestones seem to always Stand Out In Your Memories.

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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To be honest I do look fondly on that one year before we married but that person either never existed or she died when we got married. She had a complete personality transplant. I guess the signs were always there though. It's bad when your former sister in law warns you not to marry her sister.

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GeorgiaPeach1 Established Member

GeorgiaPeach1

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14 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’ve only been married once (to my current wife) but have lived common law with a couple others, and although I loved them all, my wife is the only one where I’ve thought it was somebody I could be with for the rest of my life. Which is why I asked her to marry me.

Did the women you lived common law with know that marriage wasn't on the table, because you didn't feel you could be with them the rest of your life?

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Snow_Queen Established Member

Snow_Queen

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You shouldn’t marry someone else if you don’t feel something stronger with them than a previous spouse.

I married really young the first time and was very inexperienced. I don’t believe what I felt was love. It was the idea I loved. Having a husband, home, and family. It was a horrible experience and left me terrified of marriage.

I was single for almost a decade with no desire to remarry. It wasn’t until I met my current husband that I knew what it meant to really love someone. He opened my eyes in ways no one else had. He taught me how to compromise, love unselfishly, never settle for less, and I soon desired to be the best version of myself. It opened a place in my heart I didn’t know existed. Because of that, I love him more than anyone I’ve ever know.

 

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Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
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1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Did the women you lived common law with know that marriage wasn't on the table, because you didn't feel you could be with them the rest of your life?

We never talked about it. It made sense because we spent most of our time together anyways, but we never discussed what would happen in the future, potential for kids or anything like that. 

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mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

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Yeah, about the same.

Oh wait, they are the same...

Doh!

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Posted (edited)
17 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Do you think that you (knowing yourself) are capable of loving one single person to the point of actually wanting to get married? If so, what do you think that it would take for you to get to that point with someone?

Oh yes, married or not, I believe I’m very capable of loving one single person forever...

 

Thank you all for the responses! Know it’s a strange question but it helped  me understand a lot. 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

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This is going to very so much from person to person, no two relationships are the same.

My parents were married for 5 years - after the divorce, they didn't hate each other like some couples seem to. They still cared about each other, wanted to see each other have happy lives, did a great job of co-parenting etc (heck my mom even moved back in with my dad for a stint when she was struggling financially).

My dad has been remarried to my step mom for almost 30 years now. I think his love for her is deeper than his "first marriage". They are much more compatible, have shared so many more years of life together etc.

There are many things that create love between two people, I don't know that being "first" is the most significant, but rather the depth the two are able to achieve.

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The Outlaw Established Member

The Outlaw

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I'm married to my career. But as far as my parents go, there's absolutely no way in hell that my dad loved his 2nd wife (they divorced anyway) as much as my mom. They met on a blind date in '77 and married a year later and were married for nearly 40 years when she died. Those two had the rare kind of love that most of us would want even today that's just gotten harder to find. They stuck through it no matter what through thick and thin. They were a match made in heaven. 

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, simpycurious said:

 is there something about BEING FIRST that always trumps the others if only in the slightest of ways. Kinda like in athletics.....the first interception you ever made, or the first home run you ever hit.....those SIGNIFICANT milestones seem to always Stand Out In Your Memories.

It's a No from me.    I'm not athletic, but I am creative, so I will give my own analogy:  Through lots of practice and skill development, I can work up to making a great thing and I'm always proud of myself for that first truly successful thing.  But I always strive to do better, increase the skill level even further and soon that 'first' starts to look rather shabby in comparison to what I'm doing now.  I may look back at it with a fondness, but after a while, I will probably cannibalise it for parts.

So yeah, my first marriage looks quite shabby to what I've got now.

Edited by basil67
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