Hoping for a fresh start?

[Amanda141]

Hello everyone.

From mid-January to mid-February I dated a guy (I am 22, he's 24). We met on a dating app, but we met after a few days of texting.
As soon as I saw him live, I felt butterflies in my stomach. After spending a beautiful first date with him, I realised that there was more to it than just physical attraction. I liked everything about him: from his way of thinking, to the fact that he was a real gentleman, very kind to me... it only took a few moments to understand that I was really into him: I felt something that I had never felt before in my life. At the end of the date, we kissed. Needless to say, I was happy and enthusiastic.  
In the following days we talked regularly (he wrote me almost always), and saw each other for a total of four times, in which we really looked like a couple: he took me by the hand, he dedicated sweet words to me, we went to dinner together... and we even made love, and, on his initiative, he even stayed over to sleep (I live alone in a student accommodation, he lives with his parents).

I'll say that I'm not a "one-night stand" girl, but quite the opposite: I am extremely romantic, I want to fall in love and, in a few years, to start a family.
Before making love with him, in fact, I hadn't done it for a long time: if I decided to do it, it's because I felt it so much and I hoped it was just the beginning of something more... After doing so, he continued to write me, but after a few days, things changed on his part: I felt him distant, and after asking him if there was something wrong, he told me that at the moment he is not sure what he wants and, although he likes me very much and thinks I am amazing (he had also talked about me to his father), he doesn't feel like going on.

During this time of quarantine, I had plenty of time to reflect. Looking back, I realize that basically I did everything I could to turn him off ahah: I admit that while I am mature in some aspects of life, I am very insecure and childish about love stuff...I have dated a lot of guys, but unfortunately never had a LTR, as the "longest" was just four months. 

I realised how much I was clingy, needy and smothering. I needed reassurance that he liked me, so, for example, at the end of every date I was asking "so, when are we meeting next?". 

Plus, I just can't hide my emotions: what I think is written on my face. I think he understood how much I liked him, and maybe that scared him, because he wanted to go slower. Maybe I saw everything through the lens of "love" (even if love is not the right word), but I swear that it seemed to me everything but a guy interested only in sex. In fact, we used to text each other often during the day, he treated me like a princess and made my heart beat faster and faster...
When he told me to stop dating, you can imagine how badly I felt. It's true, it's only been a month of dating, not ten years... but I'm very sensitive and emotional. The first few days I spent in bed crying. After some weeks it was better, I even dated another guy (prior to the pandemic), but it was nothing compared to him.

Since I am Italian (I moved in England just a few months ago), in mid-March he contacted me asking if my family was okay (if you remember, Italy was the first european country strongly hit by virus), and we chatted a bit: I really appreciated his gesture. 

Then they put also the UK in lockdown. In April I contacted him, asking him how he was doing during this difficult time. We chatted for around a week (not back and forth), and even if there were times in which he could have stopped the conversations, he kept going until I stopped it, liking his message (I didn't want to seem clingy again).

In the past month, he also liked the two photos I posted on Instagram, a thing that he didn't do before.

So, now in the UK they eased a little bit the lockdown (you can meet outside someone not from your family), and on the 1st of June, if everything goes well, they'll open also the shops. However, at the end of June I am going back to Italy to see my family, as I haven't been home since Christmas, and I plan to stay there until August for the holidays. Then, I want to come back here in England.

Since I cannot get him out of my mind, I would really like to see him again at least once before my departure (outside respecting the rules), since he doesn't live too far from me (I live in a big city and he lives in a town 15 mins away by car) and say bye and see what he thinks. I just don't wanna give up   even if there is just a slight chance, I wanna try: better a "oops!" that a "what if"... 

What could I do? I know that probably I sound stupid and there are zero possibilities that he comes back, but I am still hoping for a fresh chance... any advice of what I could text him?

Thank you in advance.

Amanda 

[Miss Spider]

On 5/20/2020 at 7:52 AM, amanda141 said:

Hello everyone.

From mid-January to mid-February I dated a guy (I am 22, he's 24). We met on a dating app, but we met after a few days of texting.
As soon as I saw him live, I felt butterflies in my stomach. After spending a beautiful first date with him, I realised that there was more to it than just physical attraction. I liked everything about him: from his way of thinking, to the fact that he was a real gentleman, very kind to me... it only took a few moments to understand that I was really into him: I felt something that I had never felt before in my life. At the end of the date, we kissed. Needless to say, I was happy and enthusiastic.  
In the following days we talked regularly (he wrote me almost always), and saw each other for a total of four times, in which we really looked like a couple: he took me by the hand, he dedicated sweet words to me, we went to dinner together... and we even made love, and, on his initiative, he even stayed over to sleep (I live alone in a student accommodation, he lives with his parents).

I'll say that I'm not a "one-night stand" girl, but quite the opposite: I am extremely romantic, I want to fall in love and, in a few years, to start a family.
Before making love with him, in fact, I hadn't done it for a long time: if I decided to do it, it's because I felt it so much and I hoped it was just the beginning of something more... After doing so, he continued to write me, but after a few days, things changed on his part: I felt him distant, and after asking him if there was something wrong, he told me that at the moment he is not sure what he wants and, although he likes me very much and thinks I am amazing (he had also talked about me to his father), he doesn't feel like going on.

During this time of quarantine, I had plenty of time to reflect. Looking back, I realize that basically I did everything I could to turn him off ahah: I admit that while I am mature in some aspects of life, I am very insecure and childish about love stuff...I have dated a lot of guys, but unfortunately never had a LTR, as the "longest" was just four months. 

I realised how much I was clingy, needy and smothering. I needed reassurance that he liked me, so, for example, at the end of every date I was asking "so, when are we meeting next?". 

Plus, I just can't hide my emotions: what I think is written on my face. I think he understood how much I liked him, and maybe that scared him, because he wanted to go slower. Maybe I saw everything through the lens of "love" (even if love is not the right word), but I swear that it seemed to me everything but a guy interested only in sex. In fact, we used to text each other often during the day, he treated me like a princess and made my heart beat faster and faster...
When he told me to stop dating, you can imagine how badly I felt. It's true, it's only been a month of dating, not ten years... but I'm very sensitive and emotional. The first few days I spent in bed crying. After some weeks it was better, I even dated another guy (prior to the pandemic), but it was nothing compared to him.

Since I am Italian (I moved in England just a few months ago), in mid-March he contacted me asking if my family was okay (if you remember, Italy was the first european country strongly hit by virus), and we chatted a bit: I really appreciated his gesture. 

Then they put also the UK in lockdown. In April I contacted him, asking him how he was doing during this difficult time. We chatted for around a week (not back and forth), and even if there were times in which he could have stopped the conversations, he kept going until I stopped it, liking his message (I didn't want to seem clingy again).

In the past month, he also liked the two photos I posted on Instagram, a thing that he didn't do before.

So, now in the UK they eased a little bit the lockdown (you can meet outside someone not from your family), and on the 1st of June, if everything goes well, they'll open also the shops. However, at the end of June I am going back to Italy to see my family, as I haven't been home since Christmas, and I plan to stay there until August for the holidays. Then, I want to come back here in England.

Since I cannot get him out of my mind, I would really like to see him again at least once before my departure (outside respecting the rules), since he doesn't live too far from me (I live in a big city and he lives in a town 15 mins away by car) and say bye and see what he thinks. I just don't wanna give up   even if there is just a slight chance, I wanna try: better a "oops!" that a "what if"... 

What could I do? I know that probably I sound stupid and there are zero possibilities that he comes back, but I am still hoping for a fresh chance... any advice of what I could text him?

Thank you in advance.

Amanda 

Hey girl, 

Dont sweat the mistakes you made. It’s all part of life’s process and molding you into a better person. It’s good you recognize some things you can improve. However, with this guy..I think you should just let him go, as hard as it is. You’re infatuated with him, but he is not a match at all. I just don’t see what benefit it would be to your well being to see him “one last time”. I don’t think it’s possible to change his mind... or get a fresh start with him. Start fresh with someone knew. Continuing to reach out to him to meet is actually not learning the lesson to not be needy.....it’s going to that same pattern. You’re probably going to do it anyway... but that’s just my opinion. 

[Miss Spider]

New* oops

[Foxhall]

You sound a lovely lady, will be loads of guys delighted to date you.

you want and deserve to be loved and romanced, which he is not doing,

still perhaps he has done enough to not completely write him off,

I understand your feelings thinking back when I was 22, so no one will criticise you if you decide to go with your heart and make the reach out,

he might reciprocate but if not dont worry anyway, its all ahead of you.

 

[Amanda141]

@Cookiesandough

Thank you for your answer. Yes, you are probably right, I think I am infatuated with him. Plus, being in lockdown and therefore not being able to meet other people has surely had an impact on me... I have to think carefully about what to do, if reach out again or just let go, but I'll consider your advice.

 

@Foxhall

thank you! Yes, being young and without much LTR experience doesn't really help me in deciding what is the best thing to do  I'll think about it

[Calmandfocused]

Op I am a British female. I can’t speak on behalf of all Brits but I can tell you as far as my family and friends are concerned (and my nephews, some who are your age) we have a generalised perception that Italians are “Fit”.

I’ve no idea what you look like but my sense is that young British men are sniffing around you continuously? 

If so, what the dickens are you doing chasing and waiting for a man who is “meh” about you? 

How you feel about this guy is irrelevant. He’s not reciprocating your interest. 
 

Move onto a man who can see your worth and who really wants to be with you. 

 

[miranda561]

On 5/20/2020 at 12:52 PM, amanda141 said:

Hello everyone.

From mid-January to mid-February I dated a guy (I am 22, he's 24). We met on a dating app, but we met after a few days of texting.
As soon as I saw him live, I felt butterflies in my stomach. After spending a beautiful first date with him, I realised that there was more to it than just physical attraction. I liked everything about him: from his way of thinking, to the fact that he was a real gentleman, very kind to me... it only took a few moments to understand that I was really into him: I felt something that I had never felt before in my life. At the end of the date, we kissed. Needless to say, I was happy and enthusiastic.  
In the following days we talked regularly (he wrote me almost always), and saw each other for a total of four times, in which we really looked like a couple: he took me by the hand, he dedicated sweet words to me, we went to dinner together... and we even made love, and, on his initiative, he even stayed over to sleep (I live alone in a student accommodation, he lives with his parents).

I'll say that I'm not a "one-night stand" girl, but quite the opposite: I am extremely romantic, I want to fall in love and, in a few years, to start a family.
Before making love with him, in fact, I hadn't done it for a long time: if I decided to do it, it's because I felt it so much and I hoped it was just the beginning of something more... After doing so, he continued to write me, but after a few days, things changed on his part: I felt him distant, and after asking him if there was something wrong, he told me that at the moment he is not sure what he wants and, although he likes me very much and thinks I am amazing (he had also talked about me to his father), he doesn't feel like going on.

During this time of quarantine, I had plenty of time to reflect. Looking back, I realize that basically I did everything I could to turn him off ahah: I admit that while I am mature in some aspects of life, I am very insecure and childish about love stuff...I have dated a lot of guys, but unfortunately never had a LTR, as the "longest" was just four months. 

I realised how much I was clingy, needy and smothering. I needed reassurance that he liked me, so, for example, at the end of every date I was asking "so, when are we meeting next?". 

Plus, I just can't hide my emotions: what I think is written on my face. I think he understood how much I liked him, and maybe that scared him, because he wanted to go slower. Maybe I saw everything through the lens of "love" (even if love is not the right word), but I swear that it seemed to me everything but a guy interested only in sex. In fact, we used to text each other often during the day, he treated me like a princess and made my heart beat faster and faster...
When he told me to stop dating, you can imagine how badly I felt. It's true, it's only been a month of dating, not ten years... but I'm very sensitive and emotional. The first few days I spent in bed crying. After some weeks it was better, I even dated another guy (prior to the pandemic), but it was nothing compared to him.

Since I am Italian (I moved in England just a few months ago), in mid-March he contacted me asking if my family was okay (if you remember, Italy was the first european country strongly hit by virus), and we chatted a bit: I really appreciated his gesture. 

Then they put also the UK in lockdown. In April I contacted him, asking him how he was doing during this difficult time. We chatted for around a week (not back and forth), and even if there were times in which he could have stopped the conversations, he kept going until I stopped it, liking his message (I didn't want to seem clingy again).

In the past month, he also liked the two photos I posted on Instagram, a thing that he didn't do before.

So, now in the UK they eased a little bit the lockdown (you can meet outside someone not from your family), and on the 1st of June, if everything goes well, they'll open also the shops. However, at the end of June I am going back to Italy to see my family, as I haven't been home since Christmas, and I plan to stay there until August for the holidays. Then, I want to come back here in England.

Since I cannot get him out of my mind, I would really like to see him again at least once before my departure (outside respecting the rules), since he doesn't live too far from me (I live in a big city and he lives in a town 15 mins away by car) and say bye and see what he thinks. I just don't wanna give up   even if there is just a slight chance, I wanna try: better a "oops!" that a "what if"... 

What could I do? I know that probably I sound stupid and there are zero possibilities that he comes back, but I am still hoping for a fresh chance... any advice of what I could text him?

Thank you in advance.

Amanda 

From what it looks like you gave it your all and then some.

He then decided to state its not really for him. 

If i was you i wouldnt bother seeing him a last time before you leave for italy. It may make you feel worse if he doesn't say or give you what you want. 

If he wants you im sure he can reach out. Although personally i wouldnt be actively going after a guy who cut the brakes on the connection. As it could easily happen again.

And the feelings you have for him just dont match up to his feelings for you. So whats the point essentially ? 

Sorry!

Edited May 22, 2020 by miranda561

[Amanda141]

@Calmandfocused I have to say that your stereotype about Italian girls, at least in my case, is true, as I am quite fit and it's not hard to find a guy to go out for a date. To be honest here in England for me was even easier than in Italy, but maybe that's because I used to live in a small town while now I am in a big city. However, for me it's hard to find someone who I really like: usually I like a boy 0% or 100%, there are no in-betweens. You're right when you say that it's pointless chasing a guy who doesn't reciprocate me, but I always hope there is still hope... I'll think about it.Thanks for your reply

 

@miranda561

You're probably right, there is no point in chasing someone who doesn't like me back, and as you say I could also feel worse afterwards... I really don't know, it's like a war between what my head and my heart say. But thank you for your advice!

[Miss Spider]

10 hours ago, amanda141 said:

@Cookiesandough

Thank you for your answer. Yes, you are probably right, I think I am infatuated with him. Plus, being in lockdown and therefore not being able to meet other people has surely had an impact on me... I have to think carefully about what to do, if reach out again or just let go, but I'll consider your advice.

 

@Foxhall

thank you! Yes, being young and without much LTR experience doesn't really help me in deciding what is the best thing to do  I'll think about it

I feel like lock down has made everyone  just a litttttle bit more “desperate” haha. Anyway, first impressions are hard to change, but whatever you choose I wish you luck, fam 

Edited May 22, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[miranda561]

2 minutes ago, amanda141 said:

@Calmandfocused I have to say that your stereotype about Italian girls, at least in my case, is true, as I am quite fit and it's not hard to find a guy to go out for a date. To be honest here in England for me was even easier than in Italy, but maybe that's because I used to live in a small town while now I am in a big city. However, for me it's hard to find someone who I really like: usually I like a boy 0% or 100%, there are no in-betweens. You're right when you say that it's pointless chasing a guy who doesn't reciprocate me, but I always hope there is still hope... I'll think about it.Thanks for your reply

 

@miranda561

You're probably right, there is no point in chasing someone who doesn't like me back, and as you say I could also feel worse afterwards... I really don't know, it's like a war between what my head and my heart say. But thank you for your advice!

I can tell you really like him..is he also italian?

He may reconsider you never know. But yeh i wouldnt meet him in person at the moment..

[Amanda141]

@miranda561 Yes, all of my friends think I am crazy because I still talk about him  ahah he's not Italian, he is British and lives in the suburbs of the city where I am now.

The problem is that due to quarantine of course I didn't have the chance to meet anyone new and, staying alone all the time, I ended up thinking about memories about him. Plus, he basically has ALL the qualities I look for in a man. When he texted me that he wanted to stop seeing me he was very polite... he told me that I was "amazing", that despite everything he really had a good time and hoped that I would be okay soon.

On the one hand I still hope he will change his mind and see what happens... but on the other hand I also have to move on and not just wait for him

 

@Cookiesandough ahah yeah, I admit that quarantine had a big impact on me, since I live alone and far from my friends and family. Thank you again!!  

[miranda561]

10 minutes ago, amanda141 said:

@miranda561 Yes, all of my friends think I am crazy because I still talk about him  ahah he's not Italian, he is British and lives in the suburbs of the city where I am now.

The problem is that due to quarantine of course I didn't have the chance to meet anyone new and, staying alone all the time, I ended up thinking about memories about him. Plus, he basically has ALL the qualities I look for in a man. When he texted me that he wanted to stop seeing me he was very polite... he told me that I was "amazing", that despite everything he really had a good time and hoped that I would be okay soon.

On the one hand I still hope he will change his mind and see what happens... but on the other hand I also have to move on and not just wait for him

 

@Cookiesandough ahah yeah, I admit that quarantine had a big impact on me, since I live alone and far from my friends and family. Thank you again!!  

Oh no. Yes quarantine makes you think more than you want to

And hes 24 you said. Its quite a young age for a guy. I guess at the very least hes been polite with you and straightforward.

But nooo don't  wait around for him. If he comes to you later then so be it. 

 

[Amanda141]

*UPDATE*

After careful consideration, I decided that I want to send him the following message, maybe tomorrow or Sunday: "Hey [his name], how are you? Hope you're well, finally the virus situation is getting better! Anyway, next month I’m going back home for the summer. Since I’m going to [his neighbourhood] a lot in this period as one of my friends lives there, if one of these days you’re free I’d like to see you for a walk and say goodbye!  "

I know I am probably wrong and look like a fool to you... But I am only 22, if I don't take risks now, when? I am not killing anyone, I am just following my heart...This is part of who I am, and if it goes bad, okay, no problem, I'll learn my lesson and finally move on. But I just can't get him out of my mind, and the quarantine situation didn't help. I'd just love to seem him for a bit, with absolutely no expectations, and see what happens. 

Do you think the message is too needy? Do you have any suggestions?

thank you!!

Amanda

[Miss Spider]

YAS. Too needy, girl. Take it down a notch. leave out the words "killing anyone" for starters..haha

 

EDIT Sorry I misread this. I still think it could stand to not have the sweating emoji. Just be chill and ask if he wants to meet up. Doesn't need any planning. He wants things to be more chill. You want to prove you've got chill. 

Edited May 31, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Amanda141]

6 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

YAS. Too needy, girl. Take it down a notch. leave out the words "killing anyone" for starters..haha

 

EDIT Sorry I misread this. I still think it could stand to not have the sweating emoji. Just be chill and ask if he wants to meet up. Doesn't need any planning. He wants things to be more chill. You want to prove you've got chill. 

Okay I'll delete the emoji and try to shorten the message. Thank you  

I'll see how it goes