My husband's secret textng with nextdoor neighbor

[peachpie]

Thanks

 

 

 

Edited June 4, 2020 by matildag

[merrmeade]

On 5/23/2020 at 9:15 AM, matildag said:

My husband says the dumbest things ~ he's even said flirty things to women in front of me without even realizing how women can interpret his words. . . without even realizing his words are flirty. There is a part of me that believes he engages in dumb banter.... He loves talking, socializing, making people laugh.

ohmygod you are as naive as I was. I said this kind of thing, too! --" without even realizing how women can interpret his words. . . without even realizing his words are flirty." No, no, no, no. It is not "without realizing." I promise you. He knows what he is doing. He is NOT innocent. He's just addicted to the excitement of teasing and flirting. It's a special kind of banter, as  you call it, but make no mistake. It creates sexual tension. They make sexual innuendos and that is why they're talking at all. He should NOT do that in front of you - OR behind your back. He should not do that at all! That is total and complete bullshyte that he doesn't realize or isn't aware, but, yes, it is shameless and utterly demeaning to you to do it right in front of you. You must call him on it, make him own it and act like a grown, responsible man for that at least - until you get to the bottom of the whole story. But you're not going to tell him you're digging or threaten him. You must act like you're not noticing any more. 

This is EXACTLY how I found my husband out. He has this same tendency to flirt with everything XX chromosome and start that sexualized back-and-forth. How the texting gets started is with the "flirty ...banter." My husband had been deleting the messages but forgot a couple that I happened to read one night. I screwed up a text recovery program and accidentally deleted permanently all his deleted messages. However, there were emails, and that was enough once I gathered them all. I also knew the other woman (OW)  I finally got a confession by getting him off guard one day with dessert, then told him she had already told me the truth. I said I knew everything - but didn't specify what that was. He bought it and then told me about an affair from years before. I got the truth about the texting OW over the next few weeks. It was way more than texting, and I think you're going to find this out as well.

This denial that he is doing and putting the problem back on you in some twisted psychological maneuver or other - AND the neighbor lady - is what everyone is calling "gaslighting." They are putting it off on you because they can, because you get confused and then drop it. People who are addicted to that kind of chatting or "banter" as you call it are quite adept at manipulating people verbally. That is what they are doing with each other. It is pushing a boundary and always novel, which makes it exciting, and they cannot resist doing it when there's another chatterer who can talk the talk and create the same kind of sexualized (flirting) repartee. They're like magnets to each other and draw out other adepts at the "flirty ... banter." They recognize each other. That's why he forgets and does it in front of you when he very well knows better. It's because he can't resist and he CAN get away with it. Do NOT let him off the hook about the not realizing nonsense. He is aware and he is NOT being led by the nose by this neighbor woman either. Oh, he will try to blame her. It will be the first line of defense I predict because you're already ing she's the villainand - if you find out that there was more to it, which I fear you will - as I did - he will make himself the guilty but unwilling victim. IT IS ALL BULLSHYTE. HE is the one continuously crossing the line you set. Do not even give her the time of day ever again and FORBID YOUR HUSBAND FROM ANY INTERACTION WHATSOEVER until you sort this out. 

Listen matildag, this is why you have to act. I can relate to a lot of what you're doing. You're way back in the beginning of discovery and trying to make sense of the existence of these hundreds of messages. You're dismissing all these posters who have already jumped to the conclusion that they are having sex. They are already telling you to leave him because they've seen it so many times. Problem is you haven't worked up to the proof yet. But think a minute: He's promised and promised you he'll stop and clearly lied to you. Couldn't he be lying about a lot more? You simply won't have any idea how innocent you are until you're not. I'll tell you I think these posters are right, but I also know that you have to find it out for yourself but with stealth and good information.  So get on with it and find out the truth.

However, he must not suspect that you do not trust him - which you have no reason to do - because he will make sure you cannot find anything. This is why you must not threaten him. Do not say you're going to do this or that to expose him. Do not even get angry any more. You need to go into detective mode and DON'T even think of considering the "ethics" of spying. He's already lied to you, his wife. THAT gives you permission.

Now, you obviously know less about technology than he does, or you wouldn't threaten to put Dr. Fone on his phone. it may be too late already. You don't realize that - since he's ten steps ahead of you  - he may already have erased the deleted messages. It's also obvious because you were threatening him with the wrong thing. You put it on a computer and then connect his phone with the computer. The message recovery software is on the computer and recovers the deleted messages on his phone. It really may be too late, but the fact that he begged you not to do it makes me think he hadn't done anything at that point. He could have by now, so you have to stop giving yourself away and act like nothing is wrong. You have to get him to let his guard down so he'll do something careless. 

merrmeade

 

[merrmeade]

Bet that was hard to follow. I just reread and it was hard for me! You got the idea.

So shorter this time:

It's easier to get evidence if his guard is down, though it may be too late from all that you said you've already said to him. 

Regarding the text messages: IF you think he's not permanently erased his deleted text messages yet and you can open his phone (you know his password), you can recover them by putting software on your computer (obviously not on his or a shared computer). The software can be Dr. Fone or one of the others that were mentioned. I installed Decipher TextMessage from Decipher Tools onto my laptop several years ago. There was a one-time $30 purchase fee and about five years later an upgrade app costing $9.99. You get a license number in an email. Connect the phone to the computer USB. Open the app, and a popup asks for the license number. Click on Recover and text messages start showing up.

Don't know what else to suggest because it doesn't seem like he and  the neighbor use another method of communication. You can check Location History if you think he might have come home when you weren't there. Just google Location History.

If you want to find out if there's an affair going on, people install voice-activated recorders (VAR) in their partner's vehicle to catch telling conversations. 

Asking is obviously not an option.

 

 

[peachpie]

Thank you S2B and mermeade. I dropped this situation but saw you both recently posted. People on this board have snapped at me asking "Why are you still talking about this?" WE HAVE NOT SEEN OR SPOKEN TO THIS WOMAN SINCE FEB 9. WE BOTH HAVE HER BLOCKED ON OUR PHONES. I have a disabled child and we are trying to make it work and move on in peace, but I saw your posts so I am responding. . .

1. When I caught him doing this in Feb., his INSTANT reaction was I am paranoid and he can't even have a friend and that I KNOW he helps her (which I did know but not to this extent), she's a pest, our son has even gone over to help her, her husband is useless, the other neighbors help her... That I am RIDICULOUS and this was all b.s."You always overreact and you ALWAYS think the worst of people." He may be right in that regard.

2. When I persisted about the sneakiness: the deletion of HER texts and HER calls only from his phone, and his evasiveness when I asked why she was leaving us gifts, he said he uses his phone for work and likes to keep it clean, I know the phone bill password, so he wasn't hiding anything, and I could ask her about the gifts. He said that I've been her sounding board and I helped her kids with things, which I did, and so that's probably what the gifts were for.

3. She was my "friend." We talked a lot in the driveway. When I confronted her via text about her texting and phone relationship with my husband, she would not respond. Days went by. I finally texted her and asked her if her husband knew, and that's when she texted to STOP THE ACCUSATIONS. This FURTHER infuriated me because all she had to do was to clear both of their names by showing me her phone. Her reaction is suspicious that the texts weren't innocent. I wonder if the texts were him complaining about me or if they were sexual or both. He knew I was heartbroken and bringing his sim card to a place to retrieve messages could have proven his innocence. He said "I will NOT do that because I am your husband and if you don't trust my word, then we have nothing." His statement is ridiculous. Show me the proof, and THEN say that!

4. My husband told my parents the whole story (which was brave of him) and he kept saying he f**d up. He got us marriage counseling and told the counselor he f**d up. Although they all said the texting was inappropriate, they all believe he did nothing wrong otherwise!!!! They said men and women CAN be friends and the poor guy was helping a neighbor but hiding it from me because I would overreact. But I say, "What do you mean by 'you f**d up'? You were helping an innocent neighbor and keeping your phone clean." He then says, "you know what I mean."

5. As for HER, the agreement was in 2016 that she would STOP the 1:1 texting with him. I told her I didn't trust him, because he texted sex jokes to another woman in 2014 ~ a woman who was fat and toothless. She agreed and cc'd me on about 12 texts since 2016, but she continued the 1:1 texting with him up through Feb. 9 2020. HOW DARE SHE and pretend she is my friend in the driveway? Maybe this is way she can't face me, but if the texts were innocent, why wouldn't she apologize and show me her phone?

She is playing the "I am offended card" but she put a wedge in our marriage. My husband and I were BOTH her friends. She didn't come to either one of our aid which tells me the texts were NOT INNOCENT. She lost both of us when all she had to do was show me the texts on her phone. We all could have moved on.

6. In March, out of the blue, my husband texted me a sex cartoon of a man and woman in the act ~ the man looked like him and the woman could have passed for me or her as we have the same hairdo ~ he KNOWS this is not my sense of humor. he sent it to me while I was at work! I was FURIOUS as he's NEVER done this. I assumed this is what he texted her, so he decided to send it to me in case this photo was resurrected on his phone, he could say, "That's the one I sent YOU!"

7. I still bring this betrayal up. I KNOW IT's HIS FAULT ~ HE's the one to be mad at, but she was my "friend," too. Recently he handed me his phone and said he is sick of hearing it ~ go and get the messages retrieved, but he doubt they can be and they better not screw up his phone. . . He hasn't changed the sim card. 

8. We both blocked her on Feb. 9. I figured out how the Cloud worked. I unblocked her from both of our phones, went into the Cloud, and every text appeared but their one correspondence on Feb. 9 that was accidentally cc'd to me. . . When I confronted him, he played dumb. My guess is when she asked for help filling the holes in her yard, he sent the sex cartoon, which is his stupid sense of humor, but inappropriate.

9. When I try to talk about the situation, he instantly calls my 80 year old parents to have them yell at me for causing him stress and bringing stress on the family and on my disabled child. HE BROUGHT IT ON THE FAMILY and he should leave my aging parents out of it! 

Edited July 14, 2020 by matildag

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, matildag said:

8. We both blocked her on Feb. 9. I figured out how the Cloud worked. I unblocked her from both of our phones, went into the Cloud, and every text appeared but their one correspondence on Feb. 9 that was accidentally cc'd to me. . . When I confronted him, he played dumb. My guess is when she asked for help filling the holes in her yard, he sent the sex cartoon, which is his stupid sense of humor, but inappropriate.

So, what was on these texts? Just "friend" stuff or something more? (Or are these only the recent texts?)

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

In all my experiences, women who do not have other women friends, have self-control issues... Women deeply understand, even as a part of their basic human nature maybe, that they are who they hang out with... I would say, most women who know your neighbor, do not associate with her for a reason.

The thing is, your Husband has already tasted the forbidden fruit, he lied about it, he tried to cover his tracks, this guy clearly has no intention of stopping.

Husband, wife, anybody, you cannot just take what they say at face value, you have to watch their actions and see if their words and actions line up, if they do not, there is a reason they do not line up, could be numerous reasons.

[peachpie]

Thanks Mark Clemson and CAPSLOCK BANDIT ~

Mark, I don't know what's on the texts because he deleted them for years as he went along. It was on Feb. 9 that I looked at the phone bill online and found they had communicated 188x via phone and text behind my back within a 16 month period. I am sure it went on previous to that but that's as far back as the phone records went.

They openly texted in the past 1:1  (2014-2016) and I saw the texts ~ they were household texts ~ how to do stuff, what to buy, who to hire, etc. I didn't care! She was my neighbor and we were all on good terms.

THEN she texted him a text making fun of me. This was in 2016. That's when I told them both to STOP TEXTING. I am old-fashioned and don't believe in it ~ the household texts were one thing, but they are NOT texting to disrespect me and mock me. I said to call the house phone when I'm home or knock on the door when I'm home if you want to talk about household stuff. I told her my husband had a history of texting sex jokes to another woman ~ so just STOP TEXTING, and it never stopped. She said she would cc me on all texts if she ever needed my husband. I said Fine!

From 2016-2020, she sent about 12 group texts about household things to me and my husband to deceive me, because she and him had the 188 texts/calls behind my back. When you think of it, it averages 12 texts a month or 3 texts a week. . . My husband INSISTS they were the same type of texts and our therapist and my parents believe him. Most texts were sent and received and replied to all within a minute ~ so those weren't hot and heavy.

TEXTING HAS STOPPED since Feb. 9. We both blocked her. She lives next door and is legit hiding from me. I haven't seen her face since Feb. She parks in a weird spot and goes in through her cellar now which tells me she's hiding something and is obviously avoiding me. SHE USED TO HANG OUT IN THE FRONT YARD ALL DAY ~ not anymore!

My point is: I AM HURT AND I DON'T BELIEVE the texts were household texts! Cough up some money and retrieve the messages to put your wife's mind at ease.

HIS point is: No! It could hurt my phone. I am telling you the truth. Believe your husband who loves you or live in misery. It's your choice.

I DID the Dr. Fone thing ~ the texts in question did not appear. NOTHING with her cell appeared.

He's been home 24/7 since March 13 with me. He hasn't seen or spoken to her as far as I know. I've snuck on his work computer, too, and there's no evidence of him emailing her.

My guess is he deleted everything because he either sent sexual cartoons to be funny, inappropriate jokes/puns like he did before with the toothless woman, or he griped about me. I had had surgery and I was in pain and probably annoyed him. There's NO reason to delete a text about where to buy mouse traps.

My guess is also she is hiding from me because she knew she was wrong continuing the 1:1 texting after I went crying to her YEARS ago telling her how I hurt I was that he did 1:1 sex joke texting with the toothless woman. The thing is, I told her my husband texts sex jokes, she was intrigued, she said SHE DOES THE SAME with her male colleagues and it pissed her husband off, and I think she picked up the sex jokes with my husband from there. This is my assumption because NEITHER ONE OF THEM PROVED THEIR INNOCENCE TO ME! Who would be accused of being a cheater and NOT prove they aren't!!!

[merrmeade]

Gooooood, Matildag. You’re much more pissed off than you were before. You’re Expressing some healthy righteous anger at being tricked and manipulated. 

And you are absolutely right! It’s outrageous that the two of them are STILL keeping a secret that you are not part of. He is your husband. His loyalty to his wife should be now and should’ve been then to his wife. Now, not only is he keeping you in the dark to (he thinks) protect himself, he’s ALLOWING your parents to defend him and denigrate you. He CALLS them to freaking shut you up. I think that galls me more than anything else you’ve said - and it’s a lot. But to USE their guileless trust in him based on some - even more unhealthy, very sad and very wrong history of lowered expectations fr you. This SO WRONG, girlfriend. BELIEVE in what yourself and what you know you know. I am SO sorry that your parents have thrown you under the bus. And WORSE! Your therapist!! You have some very scary, unhealthy relationships to stand up to and that is just too hard and too unfair.

csn you PLEASE start with the therapist? They should be chosen by us, the clients, because we want to get right and strong, feel good about ourselves and find a way to live our basic truths of who we are and what makes us feel and show our god given worth. If a therapist is making you feel the opposite - worse about yourself - He’s wrong for you and it frantic matter a whit what your husband says. He is the one that needs to fix things so just give yourself permission to nix that objection outright, stop going to this a-hole and find yourself the right therapist for you. More on that in another email. But for go back to that guy. He’s toast. And stand up to yoyr parents. You’re a grown woman, their daughter, and they are betraying you as surely as if they were helping your husband.it sounds like their sexist and assume the man is right. Is it possible. Just guessing. 

At least your husband is not gaslighting you now. Did somebody tell you what that is? It’s a liar convincing tu that your reality, what you saw and heard, wasn’t what you thought it was. It includes overwhelming the person with emotional bullying, berating and belittling the person to doubt him/herself to the point of questioning the observation or knowledge. Usually the Desired result of the  gaslighter is to get out of being caught at something. By shooting down the other person’s self esteem, the liar puts the other person on the defensive, pretending insult at being accused of something. case in point: “his INSTANT reaction was I am paranoid and he can't even have a friend and that I KNOW he helps her (which I did know but not to this extent),...

[merrmeade]

That was pecked on a phone screen with one finger in a truck. You deserve a rewite.

, Matildag: It’s good you’re pissed off and expressing some healthy righteous anger at being tricked and manipulated. 

And you are absolutely right! It’s outrageous that the two of them are STILL keeping a secret that you are not part of. He is your husband. His loyalty to his wife should be first now and should’ve been first then to his wife. Now, not only is he keeping you in the dark to (he thinks) protect himself, he’s ALLOWING your parents to defend him and denigrate you. He CALLS them to freaking shut you up? I think that galls me more than anything else. He USES their guileless trust in him based on some very sad and very wrong history of lowered expectations for you. This is SO WRONG, girlfriend. I am SO sorry that your parents have thrown you under the bus. I hope you’ll be able to stand up to your parents at some point. They need to understand how much they are hurting you. You’re a grown woman, their daughter, and they are betraying you as surely as if they were helping your husband. I wondered if maybe they are sexist and assume the man is always right? Is it possible. Just guessing. 

And WORSE! Your therapist!! You are not supported in these relationships and that is just too hard and too unfair. Can you PLEASE start with replacing the therapist? They should be chosen by us, the clients, because we want to get right and strong, feel good about ourselves and find a way to live our basic truths of who we are and what makes us feel and show our god-given worth. If a therapist is making you feel the opposite - worse about yourself - then he’s wrong for you. Whether you use this therapist for the marriage or for yourself, it doesn’t matter a whit what your husband says. He is the one that needs to fix what he damaged, so just give yourself permission to nix his objections outright. You can stop going to this a-hole and find the right therapist for you. But please don’t go back to that guy. He’s toast.

At least your husband is not gaslighting you now. Did somebody tell you what that is? It’s a liar convincing you that your reality, what you saw and heard, wasn’t what you thought it was. It includes overwhelming a victim with emotional bullying, berating and belittling the person to doubt him/herself to the point of questioning the observation or knowledge. The  gaslighter is trying to get out of being caught at something and twists it around to be your fault. By shooting down the other person’s self esteem, the liar puts the other person on the defensive, pretending insult at being accused. Example: “.  his INSTANT reaction was I am paranoid and he can't even have a friend and that I KNOW he helps her (which I did know but not to this extent),..”

BELIEVE in yourself and what you know you know. I think that if you could change therapists and pick the next one yourself, that would really help. Then if you could make your parents realize how they’re making you feel - and even more how your husband is making you feel - that would be the best, but if you don’t think you can, then maybe just try to get some distance and space for a while.

Edited July 19, 2020 by merrmeade

[jspice]

What next after they admit it?

what does it matter if they admit it or not? Are you going to magically go on with your life if they say “Yes, you’re right.” ?

Are you going to trust him after that?

 

[merrmeade]

4 hours ago, jspice said:

What next after they admit it?

what does it matter if they admit it or not? Are you going to magically go on with your life if they say “Yes, you’re right.” ?

Are you going to trust him after that?

What does it MATTER if they admit it?? Most people who’ve been cheated on understand this. I’ve only read one person who was cheated on in this forum say she didn’t want to know.

She needs to know the truth about how far they went and what was in those messages. Somehow or other. She won’t rest until she knows. 

He can take a lie detector test. 

Or give him an ultimatum - he tells all and tells it true or you leave. The problem with that is they never tell all in one sitting if they think you’ll accept less. He has to believe there will be a worse consequence like your leaving or telling someone he REALLY does not want to know. Right now, you do know that they were sexting, right? Yes, even sending her a picture of two other people having sex qualifies as sexting. Then he and she were alone together in her house at least ten times.

Oh btw: Don’t dismiss what you felt when you thought you saw the “look of love” in her eyes. Don’t mistrust yourself about that. All your alarm bells are going. You put all these small perceptions together and knew there was something more going on. Most posts in this thread have already recognized the signs and have no doubt. 

 

[jspice]

6 hours ago, merrmeade said:

What does it MATTER if they admit it?? Most people who’ve been cheated on understand this. I’ve only read one person who was cheated on in this forum say she didn’t want to know.

She needs to know the truth about how far they went and what was in those messages. Somehow or other. She won’t rest until she knows. 

He can take a lie detector test. 

Or give him an ultimatum - he tells all and tells it true or you leave. The problem with that is they never tell all in one sitting if they think you’ll accept less. He has to believe there will be a worse consequence like your leaving or telling someone he REALLY does not want to know. Right now, you do know that they were sexting, right? Yes, even sending her a picture of two other people having sex qualifies as sexting. Then he and she were alone together in her house at least ten times.

Oh btw: Don’t dismiss what you felt when you thought you saw the “look of love” in her eyes. Don’t mistrust yourself about that. All your alarm bells are going. You put all these small perceptions together and knew there was something more going on. Most posts in this thread have already recognized the signs and have no doubt. 

 

I have been cheated on, and my question still stands.

What is she going to do once they admit it? If he says he did cheat, is she going to leave him? Or is she going to stay, but constantly watch him and monitor his calls? 

If she finally decides to give up the quest, is she going to be happy and sane in her marriage?
“What does it matter” doesn’t mean “So what if he cheated on you?”. It means “ You can’t control what others do and say”. 
 

You make a decision for yourself. She’s driving herself crazy trying to get two people to admit they had an affair, and in the meantime they’re merrily going on with their lives. 
She’s here making multiple threads asking if she’s justified in feeling the way she does. Again, what does it matter what a bunch of strangers on the internet say.?

“She won’t rest until she knows”. Right.
I’m asking what she’s going to do next. She’s focusing so much on “Am I right to feel this way?” that she’s not considering what she’ll do with that information. 

How long is she going to live in this limbo, where seemingly everyone is gaslighting her ( if her posts are to be believed)? 
Going by her posts, she’s not going to get over it either way. So is she going to continue to let others decide for her? 

[merrmeade]

19 minutes ago, jspice said:

she’s not considering what she’ll do with that information. 

Yes, this.

[Moon7]

I'll still read the rest of the thread, but have no doubt they had a f*** budy relationship FOR YEARS.

 

Borh of them are in this together against you and they already have their story put together to gaslight you and went with their affair underground so you wont detect.

[Moon7]

On 7/14/2020 at 10:27 AM, matildag said:

Thank you S2B and mermeade. I dropped this situation but saw you both recently posted. People on this board have snapped at me asking "Why are you still talking about this?" WE HAVE NOT SEEN OR SPOKEN TO THIS WOMAN SINCE FEB 9. WE BOTH HAVE HER BLOCKED ON OUR PHONES. I have a disabled child and we are trying to make it work and move on in peace, but I saw your posts so I am responding. . .

1. When I caught him doing this in Feb., his INSTANT reaction was I am paranoid and he can't even have a friend and that I KNOW he helps her (which I did know but not to this extent), she's a pest, our son has even gone over to help her, her husband is useless, the other neighbors help her... That I am RIDICULOUS and this was all b.s."You always overreact and you ALWAYS think the worst of people." He may be right in that regard.

2. When I persisted about the sneakiness: the deletion of HER texts and HER calls only from his phone, and his evasiveness when I asked why she was leaving us gifts, he said he uses his phone for work and likes to keep it clean, I know the phone bill password, so he wasn't hiding anything, and I could ask her about the gifts. He said that I've been her sounding board and I helped her kids with things, which I did, and so that's probably what the gifts were for.

3. She was my "friend." We talked a lot in the driveway. When I confronted her via text about her texting and phone relationship with my husband, she would not respond. Days went by. I finally texted her and asked her if her husband knew, and that's when she texted to STOP THE ACCUSATIONS. This FURTHER infuriated me because all she had to do was to clear both of their names by showing me her phone. Her reaction is suspicious that the texts weren't innocent. I wonder if the texts were him complaining about me or if they were sexual or both. He knew I was heartbroken and bringing his sim card to a place to retrieve messages could have proven his innocence. He said "I will NOT do that because I am your husband and if you don't trust my word, then we have nothing." His statement is ridiculous. Show me the proof, and THEN say that!

4. My husband told my parents the whole story (which was brave of him) and he kept saying he f**d up. He got us marriage counseling and told the counselor he f**d up. Although they all said the texting was inappropriate, they all believe he did nothing wrong otherwise!!!! They said men and women CAN be friends and the poor guy was helping a neighbor but hiding it from me because I would overreact. But I say, "What do you mean by 'you f**d up'? You were helping an innocent neighbor and keeping your phone clean." He then says, "you know what I mean."

5. As for HER, the agreement was in 2016 that she would STOP the 1:1 texting with him. I told her I didn't trust him, because he texted sex jokes to another woman in 2014 ~ a woman who was fat and toothless. She agreed and cc'd me on about 12 texts since 2016, but she continued the 1:1 texting with him up through Feb. 9 2020. HOW DARE SHE and pretend she is my friend in the driveway? Maybe this is way she can't face me, but if the texts were innocent, why wouldn't she apologize and show me her phone?

She is playing the "I am offended card" but she put a wedge in our marriage. My husband and I were BOTH her friends. She didn't come to either one of our aid which tells me the texts were NOT INNOCENT. She lost both of us when all she had to do was show me the texts on her phone. We all could have moved on.

6. In March, out of the blue, my husband texted me a sex cartoon of a man and woman in the act ~ the man looked like him and the woman could have passed for me or her as we have the same hairdo ~ he KNOWS this is not my sense of humor. he sent it to me while I was at work! I was FURIOUS as he's NEVER done this. I assumed this is what he texted her, so he decided to send it to me in case this photo was resurrected on his phone, he could say, "That's the one I sent YOU!"

7. I still bring this betrayal up. I KNOW IT's HIS FAULT ~ HE's the one to be mad at, but she was my "friend," too. Recently he handed me his phone and said he is sick of hearing it ~ go and get the messages retrieved, but he doubt they can be and they better not screw up his phone. . . He hasn't changed the sim card. 

8. We both blocked her on Feb. 9. I figured out how the Cloud worked. I unblocked her from both of our phones, went into the Cloud, and every text appeared but their one correspondence on Feb. 9 that was accidentally cc'd to me. . . When I confronted him, he played dumb. My guess is when she asked for help filling the holes in her yard, he sent the sex cartoon, which is his stupid sense of humor, but inappropriate.

9. When I try to talk about the situation, he instantly calls my 80 year old parents to have them yell at me for causing him stress and bringing stress on the family and on my disabled child. HE BROUGHT IT ON THE FAMILY and he should leave my aging parents out of it! 

He calls your parents to manipulate you.

He told your parents first to manipulate you

They are both manipulators, he and his mistress.

 

[Moon7]

On 5/20/2020 at 10:33 PM, matildag said:

OMG ~ yes, she is a manipulator and con artist.

1. She tried 4x to be given a key to my house:  a. to put mail inside while we were away and to water house plants, b. for safe keeping in case we were locked out c. to walk my dogs while we are at work d. to comfort my dogs when they bark as they may disturb neighbors while we are at work. I told her NO THANK YOU all 4x, but she insists she would take the key for MY benefit. . . As I said before, she helped herself to our hidden key when we were out of state for a week to be sure our windows were locked ~ w/o permission. We no longer kept a hidden yard key after that. I 100% believe she made herself a key during that week because on one weekend away, she called and asked where we were, when we'd be home, were the kids with us, were we all in one car, and did we have the dogs. . .  She was just asking because she "cared so much about us and wanted us to have a fun time." I came home to discover a bottle of Xanax gone ~ all 60 pills ~ after I told her I had them. Needless to say, we changed the locks.

2. She would call me all the time when her kids were toddlers to tell me the deal she made with her therapist. If her children behaved for her, they could visit my house and play with my kids indoors for 1-2 hours a day. I told her no, that wouldn't work out. . . She then said this was the next deal. If her kids behaved for her, they could borrow my kids' toys for the week. Again, I said no.

Whenever I tell my husband these things, he says nothing, like he's defending her.

She has something named:

-Homewrecker kink

-Homewreck fetish

-Husband/spouse poacher

She just doesnt steal for real because she has a man to pay her bills already.

This kind of breed lovethis kind of games wich f*** up with the wifes mind: touch him front of the wife and gaslight her, badmouth the wife for her husband, ask about the marriage, leave behind her stuff to the wife find (aka sending you the message), befriend the wife, be a confidant for the wife to use everything the wife said when is with her husband, enter the wifes life, sex in the wifes house.

They get a thrill of being superior compared to the wife (the husband ogling her is proof of it for her) and THEY HATE THE WIFE SOOO MUCH.

But the husbands who fall for this kind of breed are never innocent in it. They only fall because they want to/are looking for, otherwise he woudnt even notice her (for real, not his manipulatives tatics of "not noticing her" in front of you while sexting while youre sitting right next to him).

[Moon7]

On 5/23/2020 at 2:01 PM, pepperbird said:

I;d call the ;police.
This woman has been in the OPs home, uninvited and unwanted when they were away. That goes beyond "normal:" affair behaviour.

Bunny boyler

[Moon7]

On 5/25/2020 at 5:22 PM, matildag said:

He's saying he hid it because he knew I hated her and what would be the point of aggravating me. 

Awww, so LOVELY of him not wanting to aggravate you while he YELLS at you whenever you bring his s*** up.

 

You know what kind of s*** would aggravate me? Being yelled when im in the right.

[JRabbit]

hun, I know you do not want to accept it but nothing about their relationship is innapropriate.

You are never going to know the full story unless you have video cameras installed, hire a PI or subject your husband to a lie detector test.  This has been eating you up for months, it is no way to live.  Everything you have mentioned about him explaining himself to you is classic gaslighting.

You know inside there was nothing innocent about any of this.  You have to allow yourself to accept the truth.