My husband's secret textng with nextdoor neighbor

[preraph]

I think a lot of pornstars get that surgery.

[Crazelnut]

OP, you know deep down they've had sex. EVERYONE here is telling you they've had sex. ** What are you going to do? ** Stop dilly dallying and telling us how slutty she is.  DO SOMETHING. 

IMO, you should tell him that, given how he's lied & hidden things, it is on HIM to retrieve all those messages they exchanged. And if he doesn't, you will. Go research Dr. Fone and learn how to use it. Research how to find hidden apps on his phone model. He might be using a hidden messaging app.

[peachpie]

Thank you, everyone. You've all been very helpful. Thank you for listening to me.

[preraph]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

OP, you know deep down they've had sex. EVERYONE here is telling you they've had sex. ** What are you going to do? ** Stop dilly dallying and telling us how slutty she is.  DO SOMETHING. 

IMO, you should tell him that, given how he's lied & hidden things, it is on HIM to retrieve all those messages they exchanged. And if he doesn't, you will. Go research Dr. Fone and learn how to use it. Research how to find hidden apps on his phone model. He might be using a hidden messaging app.

Or he might have gotten a second phone.

[K.K.]

I’m so sorry Matildag! That’s terrible! Makes you wonder ya know about that saying that men are only as faithful as their options. Like if she didn’t live there, would life have just gone on as blissfully as ever?  

[preraph]

In the words of "Miss Kitty" Russell, "One woman knows about another woman."

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Wow. My non-expert opinion is your neighbor lady has socio-/psychopath tendencies in the clinical sense. She seems to enjoy seeing herself as the puppet-master inserting herself in all the lives of her neighbors: coaxing the men, upsetting the women and children in the process. She seriously reminds me of a serial killer, except her weapon of choice is sexual prowess. Have you ever watched a documentary of the BTK Killer describing how he committed his crimes? Sounds similar to your neighbor's execution (no pun intended) of her puppeteering. She even enlisted your help to recruit your husband into her schemes...a master manipulator! Very dangerous and I doubt she'll ever give up. It is sport to her, a sick sport. 

[preraph]

She definitely is a con artist.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

8 hours ago, matildag said:

Thank you, everyone.

I think it's the guilt that makes them both turn it around like I am the one with the insecurity problem. They were simply friends and I was the jealous, insecure wife. After all, all her friends are men.

There are ways that they BOTH could have proven their innocence and they both chose not to, so how am I not to feel suspicious?

Although he keeps insisting it was innocent, I never, ever, ever, ever knew for YEARS. If it was innocent, it would have been out in the open.

 

 

I'm sorry to tell you...it's not their guilt motivating them here. It's them making a fool of you. I'm really sorry to say that and it's not intended to hurt you; rather so that you can better understand what you're dealing with here. They turn it back on you to get you to back down and stop questioning their inappropriate behavior. It is gaslighting, a form of manipulation. Study up to protect yourself! Also, you are your own best friend, so don't ever doubt yourself!

You think it's guilt because you are a trusting person. It's clear your values and belief system make it fairly inconceivable that people could act in such a way, because you never would. Unfortunately, that makes you more susceptible to manipulation.

She's had a long time to massage your husband's mind. He is definitely not innocent in this either. She's the one who started it though and I believe she had a self-serving agenda right from the start (i.e. see my puppeteering comment above).

[peachpie]

OMG ~ yes, she is a manipulator and con artist.

1. She tried 4x to be given a key to my house:  a. to put mail inside while we were away and to water house plants, b. for safe keeping in case we were locked out c. to walk my dogs while we are at work d. to comfort my dogs when they bark as they may disturb neighbors while we are at work. I told her NO THANK YOU all 4x, but she insists she would take the key for MY benefit. . . As I said before, she helped herself to our hidden key when we were out of state for a week to be sure our windows were locked ~ w/o permission. We no longer kept a hidden yard key after that. I 100% believe she made herself a key during that week because on one weekend away, she called and asked where we were, when we'd be home, were the kids with us, were we all in one car, and did we have the dogs. . .  She was just asking because she "cared so much about us and wanted us to have a fun time." I came home to discover a bottle of Xanax gone ~ all 60 pills ~ after I told her I had them. Needless to say, we changed the locks.

2. She would call me all the time when her kids were toddlers to tell me the deal she made with her therapist. If her children behaved for her, they could visit my house and play with my kids indoors for 1-2 hours a day. I told her no, that wouldn't work out. . . She then said this was the next deal. If her kids behaved for her, they could borrow my kids' toys for the week. Again, I said no.

Whenever I tell my husband these things, he says nothing, like he's defending her.

[heartwhole2]

I'm not suggesting this lightly, but I really think you need to move away from this woman. She is incredibly toxic. If your husband doesn't want to move with you, that tells you right there all you need to know about your chances of having any kind of honest and healthy relationship with him going forward. Right now you feel like you are taking crazy pills and it seems like the logical thing is to get your husband to admit reality, but he is deeply invested in NOT admitting the reality that he has behaved inappropriately. The sooner you accept that, the safer you will be.

[deepthinking]

"....how certain neighborhood men were in love with her." 

Perhaps ask around, there could be other neighbours where this woman intrudes, or local shops, so  you may develop a posse. Too, I agree with everybody else. 

Edited May 21, 2020 by deepthinking
new thought

[preraph]

That woman is nuts. She's trying to use sympathetic approaches to just totally take over your house. 

You should secretly run a background check on her. 

Edited May 21, 2020 by preraph

[BreakOnThrough]

She's trouble, Men can be very naive, but she's playing you like a fiddle as well.  There are women out there that love to interject themselves into other people's relationships, lead the man on JUST to Pi$$ off the woman, she probably teases, pulls back, it's all a game.  You are all just pawns in her game, including your husband.  You go to the lengths of giving your husband a polygraph, you can consider your marriage ended, you may find out the truth, but all trust will be gone, you may already be there, though, only you can answer that.  The deficiencies in the relationship are already apparent, aside from the current situation.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Best thing you can do at this juncture is install security cameras. Then you can monitor on your mobile device and have clips uploaded to the cloud which only you should have access. Front, back, and side (where puppeteer) lives. 

This will accomplish:

1) The truth of how often your husband goes to her home, esp when her husband isn't there.

2) Her coming to/into your home when you (possibly also husband) aren't there. 

3) Her antics with other neighbors and drive-by's that perhaps her husband, and even local law enforcement, might like to know about. 

4) You may also capture her charades to protect other neighbors. For example: Husband of Sally Neighbor down the block has his own standing "appointment" with puppeteer on Thursdays at 2:00pm just before picking up the kids. Sally might like to know that.

Without video, you look like the crazy one in the neighborhood making all sorts of accusations. With video, all the people who have had their own suspicions are now part of your lynch mob. Be discreet while building your case. It would be easier to move, but if you don't move, you'll have to fight fire with fire!

Just having the cameras installed might slow her roll a bit. She might be prostituting herself or selling drugs right under your nose(s). Be prepared for hubby to kick and scream about all this. Remain firm. Protect your family.

Even if you don't take on a fight with this, at least you can know you're not going crazy because you'll have the video cameras to confirm. That alone is valuable. Save all the video footage until the end of time. You may need it years down the line. 

Edited to add: My advice assumes you are prepared to fight (for your husband, family, home, security, etc.). Not everyone has an appetite for a fight. Indeed yours will be draining emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically if you take it on, but you can succeed if you hang in there. Dealing with personality disordered people is energy zapping, and they actually get energy from being challenged. Be prepared to fight or to roll over. Decide your path from the beginning. Consider talking to persons with experience, such as attorneys, law enforcement, mental health professionals. Get a support team to rally around you to help you get through. 

Edited May 21, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Snow_Queen]

5 hours ago, BreakOnThrough said:

She's trouble, Men can be very naive, but she's playing you like a fiddle as well.  There are women out there that love to interject themselves into other people's relationships, lead the man on JUST to Pi$$ off the woman, she probably teases, pulls back, it's all a game.  You are all just pawns in her game, including your husband.  You go to the lengths of giving your husband a polygraph, you can consider your marriage ended, you may find out the truth, but all trust will be gone, you may already be there, though, only you can answer that.  The deficiencies in the relationship are already apparent, aside from the current situation.

This woman is a piece of work and there are women who literally need male attention to thrive.

Long ago, I worked with a single woman who recently purchased her first home. She came into work beaming one morning and starting bragging about the impression she made on the neighborhood already.

She told us she did all her yard work in a bikini and would sunbathe daily on the front lawn. Apparently, she also made efforts to flirt with the husbands in front of their wives just to irritate them. She was proud of the fact these women didn’t like her, proud to be banned from neighborhood gatherings shortly after moving in, and proud of the fact she could distract what men she could.

Sadly, there are women out there with this mentality.

[preraph]

Change the locks. She sounds like a thief. She stole your prescription drugs and conned and conned until she got access to the house. .I bet she's one of those evil women who will cozy up to elderly people and steal from them under the guise of taking care or looking in on them..

[CaliforniaGirl]

Am I correct in understanding that there's a husband? And that she told you he knows about the texting?

1. If she's married why does she need help filling her yard holes 188 times a month?

2. Have YOU spoken with the husband? Directly? 

[peachpie]

Hello,

I'm the original poster.

The neighbor wanted my husband, for whatever reason. She is married, too. ** I think she loved the sneaky game of texting and seeing what he would say or do. ** A LOT of men go in and out of her house. A LOT of men do favors for her around her house, coincidentally, all while her husband is at work. I never saw 1 worker in the 16 years she's been there helping her while her husband was home. They do not have much money ~ only he works with little pay and they are in severe debt, yet she had underground sprinklers installed, weekly lawn mowers, a poop truck that picks up her dogs' poop, she gets fillers/botox, labia surgery. . .

What I keep harping on is:

1. Why wouldn't she come over, with her phone, show me the texts like she did in 2016, and prove me wrong? Why would any woman be falsely accused of scandelous behavior, especially by a nextdoor neighbor, and not clear her name? DOES THIS MAKE SENSE? Let's pretend she is totally disgusted by my accusations like she claims she was. Wouldn't a normal person PROVE her innocence, and then tell me to go to h*ll? Why would she want me to live with this doubt?!

2. We've been very good to her and her family for 16 years. My husband snowblowed for them every winter for free, I babysat her kids a lot. . . She knows her secret texting and phone calls caused turmoil between me and my husband. And if my husband was her dear friend, why would she allow him to live with my wrath? WHY ISN'T SHE APOLOGIZING AND PROVING ME WRONG?

3. In 2016 when she sent him a degrading text about me that I intercepted, she was convincing that she felt AWFUL. She apologized 100x. Gave me her phone to scroll through. Begged for my forgiveness. . .but this time she says "I AM NOT TOLERATING YOUR ACCUSATIONS. You are so WRONG to accuse me."

The answers to these questions are that I am 100% correct. The texts were sexual and she can't prove me wrong so human nature would have it is that she is playing that she is insulted and won't stoop to my accusations. MY HUSBAND IS PLAYING THE SAME GAME!

I told my husband I was going to install Dr. Fone on his phone, and I said, "Now I will know the truth, and since you are innocent, we will all be happier going forward." He absolutely freaked out and said, "NO! YOU NEED TO TRUST ME! IF I SAID IT WAS INNOCENT IT IS. I AM NOT RELIVING THIS ARGUMENT." Again, if he could prove his innocence, he would. . .

Edited May 23, 2020 by matildag

[pepperbird]

op,

has she ever mentioned that she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder? ( BPD)? I'm asking because if she has, I would stay as far away form her as possible. She could be dangerous to your own mental health and sense of well being. A lot of people diagnosed with that disorder recognize they have problems and get help so they don't hurt themselves or others. Those that don't often feel 100 percent entitled to whatever they want and don't care if they hurt someone to get it-that can even be part of the "fun" to them. She's like the cruel man who steps on the ant hill just to watch the ants scurry away. It makes him feel powerful. People like her disrupt opther's lives because it makes them feel powerful and important.
If you haven't already, put your foot down with your husband, tell her husband and then prepare and send her a letter, signed by you and your H that clearly indicates any further contact is  not wanted. She is to stay ff your property, no call,s texts, emails, facebook messages, whatever. block her on all social media etc. and let her k ow that she is on notice that if she continues to bother you, law enforcement will get involved.
Be firm- don't be rude, but don't worry about being "nice" either.

[peachpie]

Hi Pepperbird,

We both blocked her on Feb. 9 when this all came to light because I told my husband I was leaving him and he knew I was serious.

She literally lives ON TOP of us, yet we haven't seen her since Feb. 9. . . I know she is hiding from me at least. She can't face me and that's because she's 100% guilty I am sure ~ NOT because she's offended.

She is supposedly an ex-cop on a back problem disability ~ but she is not disabled. She does more man's work around the yard than any man I've seen. I'm wondering if she has a mental disability t be honest, like you said.

I am wondering how Dr. Fone works ~ if all the deleted data comes flooding in, won't that screw up his phone's memory or data systems?

What kills me is my family and I go away every summer weekend, and she would call ME and grill me about where we were ~ EXACTLY where we were on the hgihway because she liked to "visualize" it, were we all in 1 car, did we have the 2 dogs with us, when would we be home. . .and I always said to my husband her questions were odd. Looking back, she must've been going through my house and making sure not to get caught.

[heartwhole2]

The logical answer to all of your questions is that they are covering up a full-blown affair. 

You don't need to prove it to them. They need to prove their innocence. If they refuse, you must proceed assuming they are guilty. Your husband won't save you from this limbo; you will need to save yourself. 

[schlumpy]

15 minutes ago, matildag said:

I am wondering how Dr. Fone works ~ if all the deleted data comes flooding in, won't that screw up his phone's memory or data systems?

Find someone that is familiar with the program. If you can't find a confidant or good friend take it to a phone tech and pay to have the data recovered.

If you don't want to know, then do nothing.

[Starswillshine]

This woman is danger. I cannot believe she told you that she was going to reward her kids by allowing them to go to your house or to play with your kids' toys. She lacks every boundary known. All the questions about your house is just strange, too. She is up to something. If men are going in and out of their house often, and she is paying for botox, fillers, etc, she may very well be prostituting. 

Install Dr Fone onto your computer. You then connect the phone to the computer. The program will show you all the deleted data. It won't be put back on the phone, it will just show up on your computer with anything that was deleted. Make sure before you purchase Dr Fone that it is compatible with the phone he has and with the carrier if the phone is locked. Otherwise, it is a waste of money. 

My ex-husband pretty much said the same thing about using a program to get his deleted. What he didn't realize is I knew where one of his old phones were. And that is how I discovered more affairs. Dr Fone pulled it all up. My ex then crushed the phone. 

[peachpie]

My husband says the dumbest things ~ he's even said flirty things to women in front of me without even realizing how women can interpret his words. . . without even realizing his words are flirty. There is a part of me that believes he engages in dumb banter. When he had the sexual humorous banter with his ex-coworker that I found and was devaststed about ~ she was obese with missing teeth ~ not his type, but he's always a clown. He loves talking, socializing, making people laugh.

He doesn't shower regularly or brush his teeth regularly or manscape ~ so for those reasons I don't think it was sexual. He's also not one to care about his appearance and that hasn't changed.

I just don't want to be the crazy neighbor mad over nothing, but I see I am 100% justified.

My gut is saying it was sexual texts. If my husband wanted to relieve my anxiety, he's have his phone bring up old data, but as a tech saavy person, he said there is NO way this could be done. He said he doesn't have the Cloud or any back up.

He's also saying the T-Mobile data usage is inaccurate and I am making a mountain out of a mole hill and their texts were legit about critters digging holes in lawns, how to get rid of weeds, the best xBox games for preteen boys. . . Some T-Mobile usage shows 6 texts exchanged at 5:10 p.m. on Jan. 10, for ex.  Is that even possible. . .? We get billed a flat fee, so is the data not 100% accurate? Either way, I TOLD THIS WOMAN I do not want the private texts and to CC me and she didn't.